Well, here we go again. Another fic, another adventure to follow along through. This is another idea that's been lingering in my mind for a while.
This story takes place after the landsmeet. Clare Cousland and her friends have helped support Alistair to claim the throne of which he rightfully deserves, whilst at the same time being rid of Anora & Loghain. However, where they thought everything would be happy go lucky, Alistair is forced to make a decision, one that would infulence the future of both him and his Grey Warden comrade.
Spoilers for one of the options of the landsmeet, and the story will progress to reveal the end of the game (although, not exactly exploring them in complete detail). So yes, don't read if spoilers aren't your thing.
IF WE EVER MEET AGAIN
0:1
She's out of my life,
and I don't know whether to laugh or cry;
I don't know whether to live or die.
And it cuts like a knife;
she's out of my life.
-
"So that's it then? Alistair's definitely going to become King now?"
The Gray Warden – Clare – just smiled, and nodded at her friends; Wynne and Zevran standing behind her having just returned from what she thought, was a successful landsmeet. Not only had they supported and helped Alistair claim the throne of which he rightfully deserved, but at the same time they were able to be rid of Loghain and reveal Anora for who she really was. Things, in Clare's mind, could not have worked out any better for them.
The group looked happy at their achievement, as if ready to celebrate. Of course, there was still the blight to focus on first before any celebration plans were to be made, but they couldn't ignore what had happened on this day.
"Well that's great! I'm glad that there's someone deserving now to claim the throne, instead of that bitch Anora."
Clare turned to look at Leliana who had spoken, and nodded.
"Yes, I'm glad too. Despite all of his original dislike to the idea, I think Alistair will be a great King for Ferleden. I also can't help but think that part of him knew this was his duty to carry upon himself, he didn't seem to reject the idea as much as I thought he would."
"Speaking of Alistair ... where is he? I would have thought you all would have travelled back together after the landsmeet was over."
Clare frowned. Leliana was right, and the four of them had walked back together. But as she reflected back on travel to the estate, she remembered how silent Alistair had been. It was as if he was in deep thought about something all the journey back and he seemed to be in his own world – not paying attention to what any of them were saying. When they reached the estate, he left to say that he'd catch up with everyone later, and walked ahead of them in the opposite direction. Wynne and Zevran were surprised, but the two of them decided to shrug it off as some sort of shock about the events of the whole day. Clare on the other hand, couldn't help but feel that something else was on the Templar's mind, something she wasn't sure she really wanted to know the answer to.
As if right on cue, Alistair appeared at the doorway, fidgeting as he stood there. He cleared his throat, and Clare turned around, smiling at him slightly. It was then she noticed it, his own expression. Alistair looked exhausted; along with various other emotions playing across his features, like worry and a slight hint of confusion. He didn't return her smile; instead he remained in the doorway avoiding her gaze. After a moment of awkward silence, he turned to look at Clare.
"We- need to talk. In private."
Clare felt her own body fill with worry then. A sensation fell over her suddenly, one that told her that she really did not want to know what this conversation was about. The smile left her lips and instead was replaced by one accompanied with concern. She merely nodded in response, and followed him out of the room. The pair left their group of friends behind them; looks of confusion and bewilderment written on all their faces as they looked from one another for some sort of answer to what was going on.
Alistair and Clare found an empty room nearby, and they both walked in. He shut it after they both had entered, wanting to keep the conversation they were about to have as private as possible. Clare looked around her surroundings and noticed that they were in the library. It would have been a nice atmosphere in the room, had it not already been poisoned by the awkwardness that stank the air. Clare remembered that such awkwardness had not existed between the two of them for a long time, not since they first began discovering their feelings for the other in fact.
"I- I'm not sure exactly why you made me King..." Alistair began, pulling Clare out of her thoughts.
Clare turned around as he began talking so that she could face him, and noticed that he was avoiding meeting her gaze yet again, instead taking interest in staring at a nearby bookshelf instead. She could tell how he was feeling just by the way he was still fidgeting, and that made her evermore nervous. She began fumbling with her own hands, a defence mechanism she hadn't felt the need to use for what felt like a lifetime ago.
"Actually no – I know exactly why you did what you did, and had the tables been switched and it was me in your position, I probably, would have done the same. But, that's not the point, not exactly anyway – oh maker."
He ran his hand through his hair in a sense of frustration.
"The thing is, with becoming King – there's a certain amount of ... duties that follow. I'm - sure you aware of them yourself. The only thing is; one of them is ... providing an heir."
Alistair turned his gaze to look at Clare finally, whose breath had been caught at the back of her throat. She gulped, and saw the sadness and pain shadowing his eyes. It was her turn to avoid his gaze this time as she slowly felt her skin crawl.
"Why – do I get the feeling this isn't something I want to hear?"
She looked back at him, trying to plead with him silently to not tell her what she was dreading to hear. He sighed and began pacing the room.
"Maker, I'm sorry. I- I should have told you sooner, I know. But, I never thought – never, thought that we'd be here..." He stopped, and turned to face her. "Clare, there's something I never told you, about becoming a grey warden. About – another thing it brings with it." He held his breath, and watched Clare's gaze carefully. "For two grey wardens – to have a child – it's, it's impossible. As far as I know at least. It's hard enough for one to have children, but for two?"
Clare took a step back and froze, shock overtaking her body. She should have known. The taint became part of a person once it was within them. If thirty years to live wasn't enough of a clue to how powerful the taint was, what was? But to be told such a thing? This far along in their journey, in their relationship? She wasn't prepared for that.
"So – you're saying ... we-we can't have children? Together?"
Their gazes met for a short while once again, one full of sadness whilst the other still pleaded for the nightmare to be over. But the gaze was again broken when Alistair shook his head.
"The only grey wardens I've ever known who have had children are those that had them before the joining process. As far as I know – the chances are near enough, if not, impossible."
Clare stood there in silence; taking in the information she had just been told. She just – couldn't believe something so big had been kept from her. Something so important too. Of course, there wasn't much time to talk about it after her joining, and the time beforehand was rushed. But, Alistair himself could have mentioned it at a later point. He managed to mention about the other factors, so why not this one? Did this not seem as important to him?
It felt like an age before Alistair began talking again.
"Clare, I should have told you sooner I know. But, it never dawned as important to me. Well, not until you suddenly became serious about this whole 'King' business. And then, this afternoon I began thinking and – I noticed. I noticed that, I love you, so, so much. And – I can't imagine, not being with you. I began to panic, thinking of a way in which we could carry on being together. Marrying you wasn't an option because it would be so unfair on you, so unfair for people to demand and an heir from you that you might not be able to give them. It was then that it hit me and-"
"Stop."
Clare's voice interrupted Alistair's ramblings, and he looked at her, confused. Clare's face however, was practically racing with the emotions she was currently feeling. Was it even possible for a single human to feel so much at one moment in time? She didn't know what was tearing her apart most, the fact she couldn't have children with the one man she would ever truly love, or what that very person was proposing as her own heart began to break with every word he spoke.
She stared back up at him, fighting hard to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. She couldn't show weakness to him, not now. Not at this point in time. Later would be the time to cry; now however, now she had to be strong.
"Just, stop Alistair. Stop talking. I – I know what you're trying to say and, I don't want to hear it. Really, I don't."
"But Clare-"
"No buts Alistair! Just, listen!" She stepped back again as Alistair tried to reach out to her, to comfort her with his hand. Her own temper was beginning to rise as the words spilled from her mouth. "Don't even ask it of me, just don't. I'm not going to become your – your whore, while you prance around all of Ferleden looking for a Queen! Do you even know what you're asking of me, of how selfish your being, not just to me but to your future wife?"
She spat the words out, anger taking over her suddenly. She couldn't believe what was unravelling in front of her.
"Claire please, I – I didn't mean to hurt. I just, don't want to lose you."
"Oh that's brilliant isn't it? Just fantastic! We can't be together because of our incompatibility to make a damn child together, and yet you don't want to lose me? Well when we're you going to tell me Alistair? If you weren't to be King – when we're you going to decide it would be a good time to say 'oh by the way, we can't have children together'? Or where you just hoping that conversation would never arise?! And then – as if that wasn't enough, you decide to insult me further and suggest that I become some sort of rebound for you for whenever your desires wish of me?!"
Alistair's own emotions flamed as Clare ended her sentence, and she could tell that just by the way that the expression on his face changed from one of pain and desperation to anger.
"Now you know that's not true! You would never be a rebound; you know very well that you're the only person I care for, the only thing that's been worth anything in my whole life! You own my whole heart, no one else. And nothing would change that, and you know that!"
Clare shook her head, unwanted and uncontrollable tears beginning to stream from her eyes.
"Even if all that is true, what would happen when you do finally get an heir? You can hardly come running to me then, could you?"
Alistair tried to reply to that, but was caught for a reply. He knew she was right, and in that small moment all the anger he had before faded away. As much as he wanted her to remain by his side forever, he wouldn't be able to. If he ever had a child, he'd want to give it the best opportunities in life, and not have to face the excuse for an upbringing that he had to face. He'd already made his decision, even if he wasn't aware of it himself. Clare on the other hand, knew what his choice was; even if she wished more than anything it could have been different.
"It's over Alistair. Us. Me and you. It could never last for more than what it did. And we should face it for what it was, and what it will never be."
Clare walked towards the door to leave the room, walking past Alistair as she did so. She turned the door handle, and sensed Alistair turn to look at her as she was about to leave.
"Don't go."
She stopped for a second, not daring to turn around. If she did now, she didn't know what would happen to her, to them. If she turned around, Clare knew her resolve would probably break, and that she'd end up giving into her own weaknesses. So instead she sighed, trying not to cry anymore until she was alone in her room. Clare wanted to reply with something, anything – but nothing came to mind. Instead, she shut the door behind her, and ran down the hallway.
When she reached her room, Claire shut the door behind her, and collapsed to a heap on the floor. She pulled her knees in underneath her, and cried. Cried for the love she was losing, and she slowly felt her heart break even more than it already had with every tear she shed.
Little did she know however, Alistair was doing exactly the same as she only a few rooms away from her.
No cliffhangers - yet. I'm feeling kind for now. Chapter 2 should be up soon.
Review if you like, it makes writers happy - and fuels them to write more :)
