Chapter1
"Who are you, Katie?"
I stared disgustedly at myself in the small round mirror of my dark room. My face was tear stained and puffy, only reflecting a small portion of the pain I felt deep within. I realized how this was a pain that I had unknowingly coddled and indulged for years. How stupid of me! How idiotic!
"How so like me," I whispered cynically, completely deflated.
Realizing that insults would do me no good now, I sighed and numbly turned away from the mirror, revolted with my reflection. It had never been enjoyable before, but now the disgust at my newly realized foolishness only added to my insecurities.
My attributes were mostly plain. I had pale white skin and dark wild hair that very rarely was able to be tamed by the pins and combs available to me. I lived with it, but only because societal norms dictated so. Otherwise, I would have taken scissors to it myself many years ago.
My green eyes were the only feature on my face that I felt were worth noticing. They were bright, lively and constantly betraying my emotions. They had been the only physical attribute that I considered an asset.
This all was so petty though! How silly it was to think about my face when my heart was the thing causing me eternal ache. How could I be strong against this ache? How could I make it go away? My desperate questions yielded no reassuring answers.
I was drawn in two directions. Two endless roads that would both take me to some unknown destination. My heart was torn between each and my soul was longing for a decision. All I wanted was to see him, hear his voice and continue the friendship that only caused me pain. But how could I bring myself to walk away from him, even if he would never reciprocate my ardor?
I paced in my small room, deep in thought, the light of the candle waning with every swishing step I took. He would never love me. He would never turn himself away from the wench that had so swiftly stolen his heart. So what was the point of continuing any of this? Why put myself through more heartbreak? He was still close with me now, but if he ever knew of my love, my complete adoration of everything he was…what would happen?
"Stupid fool!" I scolded.
He would be repelled, of course. My beauty (or lack thereof) would not hold him to me. My intellect he had never appreciated to its fullest. My companionship had never seemed to entrance him long enough to ignore the advances that other women so readily threw at him, and it was no different with the girl who currently held his affections. She was flawless and he was completely and unapologetically enraptured by her. There seemed to be nothing I could offer him that would even come close to what he already possessed. I feared that soon even our history together would cease to hold importance. Perhaps he felt a responsibility to see me through the worst of what had just transpired in my life, but after his duty had been fulfilled, I was almost certain our close friendship would fade into naught. In the end, I would be nothing more than a distant memory.
Reminiscing about our history brought me back to the first time I had met him. I smiled lightly as I remembered that day that now seemed to be a different lifetime. He had told me in later years how much he had enjoyed my company right from the start. As our relationship had evolved into friendship, he informed me that I "got through to him". The way I spoke "made him think" about life and the future, but little did he know how greatly he had affected my own thinking.
His beautiful blue eyes had captivated me the minute that they had met mine. His lips had immediately smirked upward when seeing me, only making the blush come more fully to my pale face. His voice had been deep, commanding but with a hint of humor. That had been the confusing thing about him. Everything he did seemed to contradict who I thought he was. And in a way, he pushed me to oppose myself as well, freeing me from the chains of my usual apprehension and allowing me to flourish.
I stopped pacing, realizing the loud noise accompanying my stressful steps. It would wake my parents and siblings. Although they knew not why I fretted, any hint at my nervous composure would give them the means of comforting me. If they comforted me I no longer would be torn. I would no longer wish to sustain this one-sided relationship in the face of such genuine care.
It would be easier to let them console me instead of suffering alone, but it could not happen that way. If my family interjected their concern, then I would be pressed to walk away without another thought instead of dealing with the situation myself. It was a necessity that I alone handled this. I had to take back the control of my life that I felt was completely out of my grasp at the present time. The only way to ensure this was to make this my choice, and only my choice.
Suddenly a slight tap sounded, abruptly halting my racing thoughts. Wide-eyed I turned to the only window in my room, dirty and smudged from the city's daily industry. I slowly approached it, unable to see the figure standing on the other side, even though I already was aware of the visitor's identity. It couldn't have been anyone else.
"Kate?"
I froze. Although I knew who the person standing on the other side of the window was, his voice still jolted me with the reality of my present quandary. I felt the sadness I had been battling with all night intensify. Why must he come see me now of all the times he could have? I felt that if I could avoid seeing him, then perhaps I could postpone the decision I desperately did not want to make. I could hold on to the false hope that maybe things would suddenly change, that he would change.
The window slowly and silently traveled up, revealing the black worn shoes I knew so well, and then those captivating blue eyes. I cursed myself as I swooned slightly, his eyes meeting mine and his mouth asserting itself into its normal smirk. I continued to stare as he slowly climbed into my room, walking into the shadows the candle could not drive away.
"Kate, why didn't ya open the window for me?"
I turned away from his form that leaned so serenely against my bedpost. How absolutely relaxed he looked, how carefree to my worries. In our time together, he had always calmly interpreted my moods before speaking, so as to calibrate a suitable tone to begin our interactions. Tonight though, he seemed not to read me well. Perhaps the darkness influenced this or maybe he deemed his usual thoughtfulness unnecessary.
"Conlon, I want you to leave."
My own voice surprised me. As I turned to face him, I noticed the shock in his expression as well. I didn't usually speak to him in this manner. I suppose because I didn't usually wish for him to be gone. I had always wanted him to stay so that I could bask in the warm glow of what would never be mine. Tonight I would not torment myself, however, because I finally had realized my misguided motives. Tonight the fantasy would either evolve into a reality or it would end.
His eyes stared at me worriedly, his mouth forming so sweetly into a frown. I knew that I had cut him, but only as much as a newspaper had decidedly chiseled at his hand. He did not have feelings enough for me to be affected by my spurn. I was his friend, a confidante, but mostly someone he could depend on to help him attain what he really wanted…Julia.
I bowed my head as I thought of the retched name that had caused me so many nights' tears. I remembered what he had said the day after they had first met.
"Why didn't ya introduce me before now, Kate? She's incredible!"
I wanted to cry. I wanted to flail on the floor and scream of how I had always been his friend! How I would always be there for him. How, if he asked me, I would love him endlessly! Instead, I stood motionless, listening numbly to his response.
"Why doya want me ta leave, Kate, when I just got here?"
I shook my head, feeling the tears come. Darkness was the only solace I could find for them.
"I can't—I don't know what—I need to—I have to—"
I abruptly ceased my incoherent babbling, unable to bring myself to voice my true feelings. The last thing I wanted was for him to leave, but I knew he wouldn't give me what I truly yearned for. I ached for him to hold me. I wanted to cry in his shirt and for him to whisper sweet phrases that would make the hurt go away. I wanted to feel his fingers in my hair, making me appreciate it more than I ever had before. I wanted so desperately, his love for me.
"Kate, you alright, doll?" He proceeded to slowly approach me, gingerly pushing himself off of my bedpost. As he came closer to the candle, I saw how his eyes were clouded in confusion and concern.
"I'm fine," I whispered, moving away from him and further into the darkness.
He stepped closer to me once again, straining his eyes through the dimness in an attempt to study my face. "It looks like you've been cryin'. That means somethin' musta—"
"What do you want to talk to me about?"
My curt interruption caused him to cock his head, surprised once again. He took off his cap, revealing a golden mess of hair. As he ran his hands through it and over his face, I knew his concern was beginning to morph into incomprehension. He lifted his head, looking slightly defeated in his pursuit for the truth behind my pain.
"Just wanted ta see if you gotta chance to give my note to Julia yet. Hadn't heard from ya in a day or two..."
He trailed off, his hesitation engendering a feeling of confusion within me now. He had often slipped notes to me so I could deliver them to Julia, and he had never thought twice about coming to me for her response. I felt more tears gracing my eyes and traveling down my face as I remembered the many nights I would wait in anticipation for the familiar tap to sound on my window only to receive seemingly endless monologues on Julia's many assets.
"Kate…"
"What, Spot?" I turned around, attempting to stifle the sob I felt in my throat. He took several more steps towards me, his eyes conveying sincerity and understanding. It took everything in me to not throw my arms around him and release the pain that had been engulfing me for the past day. But I restrained myself, knowing that the response I would get would not be the one I longed for.
"Kate, ya don't look too good…did somethin happen…did Kelly say somethin again…"
I shook my head, his comment a further indication that he remained ignorant to my predicament. He looked at me expectantly, the empathy still radiating in his face. I again longed for his comforting embrace, but, as he stepped closer to me I pulled back further, a small sob finally breaking through my clenched throat.
"Kelly did say somethin'!" he whispered angrily.
I only shook my head again. This had nothing to do with the hateful things Jack Kelly had said to me. Jack didn't matter to me anymore, though only months before he had meant the world. I would have given him anything. I even thought at one point I had loved him.
Love for Jack? Now it seemed so ludicrous. My sudden lack of care for someone who had been so important to me only a short time ago may have seemed unwarranted to those who were not well acquainted with Jack Kelly's present demeanor. But unfortunately, my stance on the events that had occurred was extremely defensible. Luckily, Spot was well versed in my sordid history with Jack, so he often avoided the subject at all costs. Unless he felt that Jack had stepped over the line again.
"Kate, I know it's hard ta talk about Kelly, it was a hard breakup, for everybody…"
"I haven't seen Jack in a few weeks, Spot."
He bowed his head now, rubbing his eyes with vigor. I knew he was running out of guesses as to the cause of my present state. I desperately wanted to tell him everything that had been consuming my thoughts, but I feared the repulsion that I was sure would follow such admissions.
Maybe, if I had been aware of my feelings from the start and had admitted to them, I would already have what I now so desired. Or I would have lost him sooner. But either way a decision would have been made instead of the perpetual limbo I now found myself in.
"Kate, how about some fresh air? Ya look like you could use a little. Then maybe we can talk some."
I hesitated. Usually I would have agreed, wiping my tears away, and followed him without another thought. But I felt more torn than ever, the visualization of the two roads again passing through my mind.
"Kate," he said, motioning me with his hand to follow him out the window.
I stood still. If I followed him, I knew it would only cause me more pain later, but if I didn't, I feared I would miss an opportunity to be with the one I loved, regardless of what he spoke of.
"Spot, I…I can't…" I was stuttering because of him. I felt myself begin to unravel, but I still couldn't turn away.
I walked toward the window and he helped me out of it, the usual smirk appearing on his face. I turned away from the smirk, realizing my weakness. He unknowingly held his power over me and I was spiteful for it. I had my own brain, my own feelings and what was I doing?
He climbed out of the window after me, putting his arm protectively over my shoulder. It was comforting and filled me with warmth, but knowing that it was a thoughtless gesture I immediately ceased my daydreaming. I would not have that love.
We walked into the street, his arm never leaving its position of security, and I once again felt myself being consumed with thoughts of the past.
