THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

The events depicted in this story took place in Minnesota in 1987.

At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed.

Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.

"Forkie, quit ripping off Fargo. Can't you be original at all?" droned Ewan.

"Shut up, you fool!" snapped the author, slapping her muse upside the head.

"Pie!" Jude squealed before he planted his face into a slice of cherry pie he'd stolen from the fridge.


The Grim Adventures of…Grim

By GollumRox

Chapter One: Grim Attempts to Reap the Immortal Soul of Frotu

Whilst muttering several obscenities, Grim groggily scrubbed the gunk that had crusted up around the edge of the toilet with the old grubby toothbrush Mandy had given him.

Unfortunately it was his own.

Although it shouldn't have mattered much to him whether or not he had decent looking teeth, the concept of his entire body being this huge mass of bones made him figure that he had to look shiny and clean all the time.

So after a short pause, Grim quickly swapped his toothbrush with Billy's and continued his slave work.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" Billy yelled as he popped up in the toilet bowl. "I used it to brush Milkshakes' butt furrrrr!" He then proceeded to vibrate with his idiotic laugh.

"What the hey, Billy!" Grim exclaimed, surveying the large puddle of toilet water Billy made from his sudden entrance. "You got the floor all wet! And what are you doing in the toilet anyways?"

"Do I really need a reason?" he grinned before he pulled the flusher and sent himself spiraling down the bowl.

Grim sighed and silently hoped a genetically enlarged turtle would do away with Billy as soon as he reached the gutter.

"Grim!" came Mandy's omnipotent voice from a few rooms down. "Get in here now!"

"What did I do dis time?" Grim groaned as he shuffled to his commander, who was perched on a stool at her parents' computer. "What is it, Mandy?"

"Take a look at this," she grumbled as she clicked her mouse a few times and a page appeared upon the screen that had quite a bit of writing.

"Mandy, what is dis all about?" Grim impatiently asked, setting his wrists on his pelvis bone.

"I found this story on a fanfiction website that I thought was mildly entertaining, but only because it was about death and destruction," she explained, scanning the page with her cursor. "So I decided to see who the author was. Turns out the author is a little bigheaded, if you know what I mean."

"No, I don't. Can I please get back to me work?" Even he couldn't believe he wanted to scrub the toilets this bad. But he was always willing to do anything to get away from her complaining.

"Read this part," Mandy told him, jabbing her finger onto the screen.

Rolling his eye sockets, Grim followed Mandy's direction to the words she pointed to. "'FROTU stands for Future Ruler of the Universe'? So what?"

"So…" Mandy began as she turned her chair and tapped her fingertips together menacingly, "we must teach this Frotu a lesson on being too egotistical."

"Mandy," Grim flatly said, "seriously. Dis is a bit much. So some girl thinks she's going to rule the universe. Big deal."

"It IS a big deal," she corrected ominously. "Personally, I had my own plans for such a career, but…there can't be TWO rulers of the universe, now can there, Grim?"

"Oh, sure there can!" Grim piped up in means to cheer Mandy up. "It can be an aristocracy ting! You can be called the 'Trotus' – the Two Rulers of the Universe!"

"No, Grim," Mandy said under her scowl. "Just one. And it's going to be me."

Grim's efforts deflated and he ever-so-reluctantly retrieved his scythe and black cloak as he headed out the door. "Dis will be interesting," he muttered to himself before he used his scythe to tear open the background and transport himself to Gilbert, Arizona.

§§§ SEXY BREAK §§§

Frotu was found at her computer IM-ing with her good (and not to mention intelligent and good-looking and all around brilliant) friend Forkie in the darkness of her room.

SilvanFrotu: mmm, did you watch the stupid show last night?

Bushywushy87: YAS!

Bushywushy87: He talked about being in the mime club and how his face was completely white and his whole outfit being like striped and stupid looking and the only color on him was his big huge red pompadour hair.

Bushywushy87: Blah hahahahaha!

SilvanFrotu: …

SilvanFrotu: not conan, you idiot! i meant the OTHER stupid show!

BushyWushy87: Ohhhhhh.

BushyWushy87: No, I missed it.

BushyWushy87: : (

BushyWushy87: tear, slurp, flex

SilvanFrotu: you suck!

Suddenly, a sudden unexpected power surge caused the computer to crash and shut down completely, leaving Forkie with the idea that Frotu was honestly mad at her for missing Billy and Mandy and 'hanging up' on her.

For a few short seconds, Frotu had a heart and felt kinda bad.

And then she snapped out of it once the power came back on.

The light that was being illuminated from the computer was enough to make out the outline of someone standing in front of the door. The figure was tall, rather emaciated, and was holding a large walking stick. Despite the lack of good lighting, Frotu could just barely distinguish the person's hideous face.

"Hi, Dad," she mindlessly greeted, turning her attention back to the computer to log on.

"I am the Grim Reaper," the figure announced in a deep voice that Frotu figured was supposed to be threatening. "And I am here to reap your immortal soul."

That's funny. He was fudging on a strange accent. Jamaican?

"Ha ha," Frotu deadpanned. Evidently her dad was really desperate for some father-daughter bonding if he'd go as far as sounding like Grim to amuse her.

"No, really. I am the Grim Reaper and I am here to—"

"Dad," Frotu groaned, laying her head back and rubbing her eyes. "I'm REALLY not in the mood. Besides, I thought you were in Iowa."

Through the silence, the figure shifted its weight awkwardly, causing the fabric of the dark cloak to rub together, making soft brushes. After clearing his throat, he announced again, "I am the Grim Reaper for real. And I am here—"

"Dad!" she suddenly snapped at him, slamming her palms down on the desk. "Go! Away!"

After another long pause, the figure made a short movement as if about to object, then turned to open the door and leave.

"Gosh!" Frotu huffed with exasperation as she opened a Word document and proceeded to read the bit of "Bob the Fugitive" Forkie had reluctantly sent her, causing her to giggle at the thought of Monkeyman Bob. "Heh heh," she commented as she read. "Bob."

§§§ SEXY BREAK §§§

By the time Grim got back to Endsville, Mandy and Billy were seated on their couch watching a reality show called "Cheap Date" in which the couples were so stingy, they'd go as far as having the free samples at Costco for dinner and later crossing the street to Circuit City for a movie.

So far the hick couple from Kentucky was winning mainly because, Mandy figured, they were so used to that sort of dating.

"Hi, Grim!" Billy greeted through a mouthful of couch stuffing. "Did you have a nice time killing people?"

"I didn't kill nobody," Grim told him, propping his scythe against the wall and joining them on the couch.

Mandy immediately snatched up the remote and turned off the TV.

"Hey!" Grim objected but Mandy silenced him with a finger to what would've been the bridge of his nose.

"I thought I told you to get rid of her, Grim," she scolded in her usual monotone voice. "Why can't you do a simple task like that? Are you too lazy for it?"

"Hey, cleanin' the bathrooms is one ting, but killin' somebody I don't know is anodder!" he rebuked. "You just need to learn to suck it up and choose a different career."

Stubbornly, Grim crossed his bony arms and stuck his nonexistent nose in the air.

"Yey! Go Grim!" Billy cheered before he lost his balance on the arm of the couch and fall backwards onto his gigantic nose, which only mildly broke his fall.

Mandy shook her head in a manner to show she was very disappointed. "Grim, I ask you to do one thing and you chicken out. You are a disgrace."

With that, she got down from the couch and left the room. Billy popped into view with his nose practically flattened from landing on it.

"I get dibs on the remote!" he proclaimed, diving across the couch and tackling the channel changer. He pushed the on button but to his dismay only saw some stupid Downy commercial. "Aww, poop!" he cursed, throwing the remote down and storming out of the room, leaving Grim all by his lonesome in a malaise of guilt.

He did make a deal with Mandy that he'd do everything she wanted. All she wanted was to get rid of ONE person and he couldn't muster enough sense to do even that. He had let her down wholeheartedly.

Now deeply depressed, Grim sighed and propped his chin up with his hands as he slumped over to watch the rest of the Downy commercial.

"I'm so soft and cuddly and everybody loves me," said the stupid annoying teddy bear as he licked his furry paw and rubbed the part of his chest where a nipple would be. "People buy my product because I'm an icon."

"Oh shut up, you stupid bear!" Grim suddenly exclaimed, throwing a bowl of peanuts at the TV which magically sailed through the glass screen and collided with the bear's head so hard, it decapitated him. "Dat'll teach you," Grim said smugly, feeling a thousand times better now that his anger had been vented. "Now back to Arizona to finish me job!"

Grim propelled himself from the couch, grabbed his sickle and headed out the door.

Meanwhile, millions of "Cheap Date" fans who had viewed the commercial bust out in hysterical crying.

§§§ SEXY BREAK §§§

After a few seconds of mindless and complicated transporting, Grim arrived at his destination…or at least what he figured was his destination. He found Frotu's body sprawled across her bed in a tangled fashion, her mouth and eyes wide open, and one eye being rolled up into the back of her head.

"Oh boy, did I kill her anyways?" Grim wondered out loud as he poked her with the butt of his scythe. In response, Frotu's body twitched and she slurped up some drool leaking from her mouth. "Oh, she must be sleeping. But I can't reap her immortal soul while she's asleep."

Grim had no idea how he came up with that regulation, but had the brilliant suggestion of sucking himself inside Frotu's mind to meet her subconsciously.

So after much grunting, Grim became a fluid and projected himself into Frotu's ear.

Apparently the dream Frotu was having took place in a vast desert with absolutely no scenery with the exception of one solitary cactus. Grim found Frotu standing in front of the cactus, engaged in a staring contest with it. He cautiously approached her, not meaning to take her by surprise for some reason, but just to casually request her soul…if that was at all considered casual.

"Excuse me," Grim greeted. "Hi there. Uh, what exactly are you looking at?"

"Shh," Frotu told him, not taking her poo-colored eyes off the cactus. "It's coming any minute."

"Dat's not appropriate," Grim reproached in a motherly tone.

Before Frotu could correct him and get his mind out of the gutter, the desert ground began to rumble softly.

"What the hey!" Grim exclaimed. "What's going on?"

"It's here!" Frotu breathed in awe as a humongous – TOO humongous - guinea pig appeared on the horizon and approached them.

"Okay, seriously, what is dis?" Grim asked, slightly irritated.

"Ride the giant guinea pig," suggested a Middle-Eastern guy who literally popped out of nowhere next to Grim.

"This one must be reoccurring," Frotu mused, tapping her chin with her finger. "That means the cannibalistic Santa will show up pretty soon. Better get on the cardboard and get out of here."

"Cardboard?"

Sure enough, on the ground was a flattened piece of cardboard with a lone steering wheel surreally jutting out from the front. Frotu, er…climbed aboard and beckoned Grim to join her.

"Will dis take long?" he asked as he seated himself next to her. "I'm supposed to be reaping your immortal soul so if we could just wrap this up soon…"

In a matter of seconds, Frotu had driven themselves out of the desert landscaping and into the confines of her bedroom.

"Are you awake now?" Grim asked.

"No, I think I'm still dreaming. Anyways, what did you say about reaping my immortal soul or something rather?"

"Yeah, dat. I came here to stop you from becoming the future ruler of the universe because my master thinks she's the future ruler of the universe and she wants to get rid of you so she asked me to just swing by and, you know, murder you and stuff. So I hope dat's okay with you."

The entire time, Frotu had been staring at him under a lowered brow with an expressionless face as if not even bothering to comprehend anything he said.

"So uh…I'm going to do it now, okay?" Grim ventured, awkwardly standing up.

"I don't think you want to be reaping MY soul," Frotu told him.

"Why not?"

"Well, not yet at least."

Grim sighed and stuck his fingers in his eye sockets by means to massage them. This was going to be a long night.

"I'll make a deal with you. Since I watch your show on a regular basis, I know you never back out on your word and you drive a pretty hard bargain. So let me strike a compromise."

"Anyting, anyting. Just hurry it up," Grim groaned.

"You can reap my soul if you reap the souls of my yearbook editors."

"Your yearbook editors?" Grim repeated in exasperation. "Come on now!"

"I would rather not go into explanations," Frotu said rather darkly as she examined her fingernails. "Just get the job done and I'll get back with you. Sound spiffy?"

Grim opened his mouth to protest, began to speak, choked on air, coughed a bit, got a blank stare from Frotu, cursed under his breath and transported himself to Frotu's high school.


"A diamond in my wedding ring fell out and I am sad," announced Forkie who only received blank, uninterested stares from Ewan and Jude. "And maybe I'll update tomorrow if I don't die by then."

The readers were just about to click on the 'review' button when they were interrupted by another interjection from the author.

"WAAAAAAAAIT! I have to give credit to Frotu's dad for the 'Cheap Date' thing. So don't compliment me for that because it wasn't my idea. And if I were to recieve all the credit, I'd ultimately feel bad and I'd probably cry. And...uh, no, I think that's it."

Jude and Ewan appluaded.