10.4.17 Finally finished this one, so I went back and cleaned up previous chapters. Enjoy!


Babyproof
Chapter One


"You have to help us," Naruto says, his jaw in a hard line.

"It's troublesome, but I think he is right," Shikamaru sighs.

"We really need you," Chōji offers, eyes wide with sincerity.

Uchiha Sasuke looks grave, and gives a "Hn."

"You can't possibly be serious," she eyes them all. "Are you just bored? Came into my shop to have a laugh? Get home to your wives," she scoffs dismissively, turning around before abruptly turning back. "No, you know what? I take that back. Business is slow. Buy something expensive, and then go back to your wives."

"But you don't understand," Naruto's eyes dart desperately between her and the three other men. "This is a serious problem."

She glares at Naruto. "Oh please," she rolls her eyes. You, I might be able to understand, because Hinata is pregnant, and you are an idiot," she ignores his indignant reaction to her harsh phrase, "but the rest of you?" She narrows her eyes at Sasuke. "You can't tell me Sakura hasn't handled this, or Temari is alright with this, or that Karui won't skin you alive, or that – hm," she looks around – "Ino must have things alright on her end."

"On the contrary," Sai smiles brightly, entering the shop. "We are also in need of your help."

"And… our wives… sort of… sent us…" Chōji mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck.

Tenten looks at them all, and crosses her arms.

"Prove it," she says flatly.

"I have this," Sai says cheerily. "This is why I am late. I went to Kakashi, and he made this an official mission."

Tenten smothers a sigh and takes the scroll. Kakashi must either still be sore that she beat him at darts the other night, or he is just screwing with her.

Her eyes grow wide.

"An A class mission?" she asks, her mouth falling open, reading the scroll "'Reconnaissance, and tactical advisement; design and implement defensive apparati and jutsus as needed; Shikamaru, you are on here for strategy and tactical support, Sai for design, Uchiha for - what the hell is this, are we going to war?"

"You have no idea what we are up against," Naruto shudders, and they all look uncomfortable.

She pinches the bridge of her nose between her thumb and fore finger. "You are telling me," she says slowly. "That I've been assigned to lead an A class mission with the top Konoha nin of our generation for… oh I love this 'domestic security modifications to ensure the security of the following citizens of Konoha: Akimichi Chōchō, Nara Shikadai, Uchiha Sarada, Uzumaki Boruto, and Yamanaka Inojin?'"

They all nod.

"Guys," she eyes them all with a mix of disbelief, irritation and a healthy side of 'What-the-actual-fuck.'

"Babyproofing?!"

They nod again

"Why the hell is anything with babies an A class mission?" she asks in exasperation.

"You don't know these babies," Naruto grumbles.

"They are babies!" She exclaims. "They are tiny!

"Well actually," Chōji raises a finger, but Naruto interrupts.

"But they are fast and smart as hell! It is becoming a real problem – they are getting into our equipment, our supplies, - all kinds of things!"

"Forget it," she slams the scroll on the counter. "I don't do kids, or didn't you notice I don't have any?" she stares them down. "I don't know the first place about what you would need or what to do, or-"

"Oi! Here you guys are!"

"Oh, just great," she mutters.

Kiba smirks and looks at Shino. "Looks like she heard about Kakashi's order."

"If you are here to be a jerk, Inuzuka," she says through clenched teeth, "I swear to you I will show you that your clan isn't the only one that can neuter things."

"Geez," he holds up his hands in surrender, "is that any way to talk to one of your mission partners?"

"Mission part-" she looks down at the order. She had stopped reading part way through, overwhelmed by the insanity of the whole situation.

"What the hell is 'preventative assessment and consulting?'"

Kiba shrugs. "Puppies aren't that much different than babies – at least when the puppies are ninken, and the babies are mini shinobi. Plus Hana has kids now. I've got lots of experience."

"Yeah, I heard," she says dryly, "But, funny, I don't see anything about cats on here, so I doubt I'll need that 'expertise' of yours."

He glowers at her while Shino coughs discretely and the other nin smirk or hide smiles.

"FASTER, LEE!"

"Hai, Gai-sensei!"

"You've got to be kidding me," she groans, sinking onto the stool behind the counter and banging her forehead against it two or three times before hiding her head in her folded arms.

Lee and Gai come flying in the door, Lee, pushing Gai's wheelchair and skidding to a stop, almost taking out Uchiha, who is fast enough to move out of the way. Inuzuka gets his foot run over instead.

Tenten appreciates this.

"Tenten!" Gai booms, ever larger than life. "I hear that you are have been specially assigned to help safeguard the youth of this village!"

"What? No- look. There has been a mistake. This is a simple case of babyproofing, and you can all heigh-ho your happy asses down to a hardware store and buy those little lock closures, and outlet covers and whatever nonsense you need to keep your kids from playing 'let's swallow what's under the sink' or 'where does mommy hide her senbon.'"

"We tried," Naruto says forlornly. "Boruto jimmied all of the locks. And he keeps climbing things."

"All babies climb things," she mutters.

"Not the roof!"

"Chōchō busts through the doors," Chōji adds.

"Shikadai can sneak things out with shadows," Shikamaru says, bored. "He is pretty clever about the whole thing."

"Inojin draws fun little animals to go find things around the house. He then tries to mind control them into doing all sorts of interesting things," Sai contributes. "You can't imagine how creative he is!"

"Sarada picked all the locks," Sasuke grumbles. "She figured out how to bypass all of that useless junk weeks ago. She removed it and left it on the table for us and said she hoped we hadn't thrown out the original packaging so that we could return it."

"Toddlers," Tenten says flatly. "Your kids are teething and barely stumbling around, and they are breaking into your cabinets, or in Uchiha's case, knowledgeable about the finer points of consumer rights."

"Yes," Sai says with a tilt of his head and a cheery smile. "Even better than that, they are escaping from cribs, playpens, bedrooms, and at least once, Inojin tried to ride an ink creature out of a window."

"Boruto just jumped," Naruto mutters. "Nearly gave Hinata a heart attack."

"Chōchō and Shikadai ganged up when Karui was watching them. Broke into the snacks and food pills. Had to go to the hospital," Chōji frowns at the memory.

"Who the hell keeps food pills where kids can get at them?" She asks, in frustration. "Even I know better than that, and I don't even have houseplants."

"That's just it," Chōji fidgets. "They were in a special sealed location. These kids found it, undid the jutsus, and managed to almost clear out the supply."

She almost falls for it.

She gives a quick shake of her head, and rolls up the mission scroll to hand it back. "Buy better storage, and hire nannies," Tenten instructs. "Or, hey, lock them somewhere until they turn, I don't know, Twenty? That should about do it."

"Ooooohhhhh, I get it," Kiba says, folding his arms across his chest. "You can't handle it."

Tenten narrows her eyes viciously at him, and lowers her voice. "What did you say?"

"I said," he leans forward, hands on the counter. "You. Can't. Handle. It. The Konoha Dragon will take on missing nin, set traps for dangerous criminals that she says no one can beat, but she can't take on a few measly plans to keep toddlers from hurting themselves. What's the matter?" he asks innocently, before going in for the kill. "Out classed by the diaper brigade?"

"Kiba, that isn't true," Lee leaps to her defense. "Tenten is perfectly capable of doing whatever mission is assigned to her – we have total faith in her!"

"That's right!" Gai roars. "Tenten's SPIRIT OF YOUTH IS UNDAUNTED!" he declares, punching a fist into the air. "There is no way she will fail to protect the next generation!"

"Oh yeah?" Kiba asks easily, ignoring Tenten's death glare. He leans forward, hands still on the counter, grins a taunting, snaggletoothed grin, and with his nose two inches from hers offers the low challenge.

"Prove it."

She inhales sharply, her own words ringing in her ears. "Fine," she bites out. "Let's go see what your snot nosed ankle-biters can do," With that, she scoops up several scrolls, and sashays past them all. She tosses Lee the keys. "Lock up." She opens the door and arches an eyebrow at them all. "What do you want, an invitation? You coming or not?"

Lee's cheer seems to rouse them and they follow with varying degrees of relief and enthusiasm. Shikamaru looks at Kiba who is grinning smugly while Shino sighs heavily.

"Nice," he chuckles under his breath.

"I do what I can," he shrugs one shoulder, cocky grin in place.

"You gonna sit around all day, Inuzuka?" She calls back, hand on hip, "or you gonna put some money where that big mouth of yours is."

Shino and Nara smirk, and Kiba narrows his eyes at her. "Oh, it is on."


Thanks for reading! - GL