Most men, when asked what their personal hell would be like, answer similarly. They describe a fiery, desolate cavern, eternally engulfed in flames. The tortured moans of desparing souls fill the air as they are whipped by Satan himself.
My personal hell differs from theirs. My hell is eerily similar to every day life. In fact, one could argue that it is one thing has changed from yeste-
rday to today, but it has thrown me into the depths of my own hell. You see, when people lose someone, they normally grieve, but are able to cope with the pain, and with time, it fades. I am different.
I had never loved before, until the day a gray blur literally dropped into my life. My life prior to that moment had prevented me from loving anybody. I suffered abuse and neglect at the hands of my father, and abandonment at the hands of my mother. I transferred factions to escape my father.
And in the two years since, I had changed. One would argue for the better, but I disagree. I hadn't changed for better or worse, really. I could now fight, and kill if necessary. But I was still uncapable of the most basic forms of affection known to most humans.
And then she fell. A Stiff, the first jumper. I watched as a grey blur landed on the net, and bounced. I was instantly annoyed, as I despised the Abnegation for doing nothing as my father abused me for 16 years.
And then she turned, and my heart skipped a beat. I looked into her eyes, and for a reason I still do not know, I fell in love. I fell in love with a petite blond girl from Abnegation.
I reached for her hand, already desperate for contact, and as I grasped it a shock ran through my body. Warmth blossomed in my chest, a foreign feeling to me.
I grabbed her by the waist, and set her down in front of me. Her head came up to just above my chin, and I looked down at her.
I asked her her name, not only because I had to, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything about this girl I had never seen before, although she did seem a bit familiar.
"Tris," she said, and I smiled. I yelled over my shoulder to announce that Tris was the first jumper, and as I looked into her eyes, I said "Welcome to Dauntless."
The days following choosing day were tough for me. I tried to deny to myself that I already had feelings for someone, and one of my initiates at that. I couldn't do it I would watch her everywhere she went, every move she made mesmerizing me. I told Zeke about her, how she was small but quick, how she could win if she got the first hit. Zeke would just smirk at me and shake his head. And when we climbed the Ferris wheel together, that was the night I decided to devote myself to her. It wasn't the easiest decision, because before meeting Tris I had never felt anything for anyone. That night, I made the single best decision of my life.
And I knew that she felt for me too, but not to what extent. I felt like although I barely knew her, I could trust her with my deepest secrets. So, I did just that. I brought Tris through my fear landscape.
I chuckle, remembering when she told me her heart wasn't racing because of the box, and I knew that she really loved me back. Fast forward.
The Dauntless are under a simulation, aimed to accomplish two things: annihilate the Abnegation, and expose the Divergent. I play the part of a mindless soldier. I line up with everyone else, my eyes searching for Tris, but I can't see her anywhere, and I panic. I wonder if she's been caught, but I dispel the thought right away.
I know that Tris is too smart for that to happen.
And when I am on the train, I feel a small hand intertwine its fingers with mine, and relief floods me. Fast forward.
I am under a simulation, controlling the simulation that has seized control of the Dauntless. I am unaware; I think I am shutting it down. The simulation reverses the affect everything has on me. It turns my friends into enemies, my enemies into friends.
And a girl enters the computer room. I attack her, put a gun to her head, but her eyes delve into mine. Her hand touches my chest, and I snap out of the simulation. It is Tris. She alone could bring me back to reality.
We escape the Dauntless compound, and flee to Amity.
Fast forward.
After being attacked multiple times, put under truth serum, and countless arguments, Tris and I are back at the Dauntless compound. A simulation has been activated in three Dauntless members, who are being used to relay a message from Jeanine Matthews: send a Divergent to Erudite headquarters. I consider going myself, but banish the thought. I couldn't do that to Tris.
Fast forward.
I wake up at 3:30 AM, and reach for Tris. She is not there. At first I think she is in the bathroom, but then I wake up fully, and I realize what she has done.
She has left to Erudite headquarters.
Fast forward.
Tris's execution has been moved to today. I touch her hand through a small window, and watch as she walks away. I break down, and fall to the ground.
Peter carries Tris through the door, and I gasp. She is limp in his arms, and I think she is gone.
Peter tells me she is only paralyzed, and I sigh in relief. We fight our way out of Erudite, and escape. Fast forward.
I break into Jeanine's laboratory to destroy the computers, and Tris is there. With Marcus. The man who destroyed me, and my mother.
She begs me to believe that she was here for a reason, that she is not a traitor, but it's hard. I am furious, and heartbroken. But despite that, I still trust her.
And Caleb, Tris's brother, who is the sole reason for her capture and near-execution, assists me in finding the video.
We release the video, and I realize that Tris was right. I smile and shake my head.
Fast forward.
We leave Chicago, as the Allegiant. We make our way to the Bureau of Genetic Welfare, which turns out to be just as corrupt as Chicago. I want to leave with Tris, and never come back. I am told that I am genetically damaged, and Tris is genetically pure. I form a plan to attack the "genetically pure", resulting in Uriah being put in a coma.
Tris almost leaves me, almost kills me.
Fast forward.
We spend the night together, making love for the first time, and what I don't know to be the only time. The next day, we split. I am to go back to Chicago, and negoti-
ate with Evelyn, Marcus and Johanna.
I succeed, and we head back.
Fast forward. To hell.
I arrive, and Christina and I find Cara. She looks troubled.
I ask her where Tris is, beginning to worry. Tris should be with her; everything should be fine.
And she tells me. David shot her. Twice.
She is gone. Forever.
And I come undone.
