No love

1- No love for Ike

They were like raindrops in a hurricane, the cases weren't just dropping in my lap the last few days, they were pummeling me, drowning me. I've been in the business long enough to know that the world isn't all sunshine, sugar, and rainbows, its grimier than that. And I've sure as hell been at the game long enough to realize that love is as overrated as it is empty. There's no such thing, maybe there was back in the good old days, those black and white movie days. Oh yeah, they had it all back then. The beautiful dame walks into the office, the gumshoe solves her case, then they smooch real sweet like. The credits roll and some real dated slow jazz starts to play. Then everybody just gets up and leaves the theatre, shows over. Oh yeah, they had it all back then.

---

On just another average day at the office, this average day being a Wednesday, Ike sat sorting through his stack of assignment for the week, the stack always the same, ordered from least important to most. Loosening the knot in his tie, he kicked his broken in leather swivel chair away from himself. He always worked best standing. He couldn't have known it at the time, but this average Wednesday, would by far be the most average day in what would become the most not so average seven days of his entire life.

"Adultery. Adultery. Expected in court for a divorce hearing. Adultery. Subpoena for missing a court date… for divorce…Christ when did I become a divorce lawyer!" Ike put down the stack of work that had piled up on his desk, instead turning his attention to a memo he was preparing for one of his clients.

Before even getting a chance to glance it over he tossed it onto the stack and started vigorously rubbing his temples. As a private detective he was prepared for the occasional adultery cases the profession promised, but the past two weeks had been an all out battle of the sexes.

Lately the mediocre private investigator had been reduced to listening to one pissed off spouse after another, each one wanted nothing more than to see their significant other in court. Just now he was putting the finishing touches on a memo for a husband who was about to find out his wife and her new girlfriend were hitting it off very well on weekday afternoons while he was at the firm.

I knew I should have used camera's on that case, what a waste. He read the memo once more to himself, it was decent at best, no work of art. But after preparing the fourth adultery memo of the week, he wasn't taking much pride in his work.

"Either cupid's in a coma or people have just given up on love." He half sighed, half muttered as he crumpled up the memo and threw it at the wall.

Taking a long gulp of the Red Bull open on the desk he turned to the computer and printed out another copy of the memo he had just chucked. Just as the ancient HP printer started to regurgitate a new memo he heard a knock at the door. The printer suddenly sputtered and the paper crinkled, jammed in the feed.

Piece of shit! He cursed out loud as he tried to force the paper from the wretched box. The knocking continued.

"Yeah, one minute, okay!" He yelled towards the door, propping his foot against the desk for leverage as he yanked at the memo. He heard the paper rip inside the machine. Before he could react, he lost his balance and flung himself across the room into a file cabinet.

"Are you alright?" A gentle voice said as the door slowly creaked open.

"Don't come in yet!" Ike called from under a pile of files knocked off the top of the cabinet, his blue bangs now hanging just barely over his eyes.

"Here let me help." A delicate hand reached down in front of him. Pushing his bangs out of his own face he looked up at the face of the truly beautiful woman standing in front of him. Her raven hair hanging down just barely covering the left side of her own face. Beautiful eyes, silky hair, not much in the chest, but nobody's perfect… He stared up at her face, his eyes meeting the red mark in the middle of her forehead.

---

"That little piece of shit!" Roy said slamming his hand into the dashboard of the Mercedes.

"Please be gentle with my car." Marth said closely eying the red car tailgating them in his rearview mirror.

"But doesn't it piss you off!? It pisses me off! Besides, this car's old as shit, who cares if I bang it up a bit?" Roy looked at his lover, his anger already fading.

"My concern isn't for the car. I'm just scared that one day you'll hit the dashboard and the airbag will punch a hole in your pretty little face." Marth said and smiled at his lover. He hated to see Roy so worked up.

"I say that we just go to Link's house and confront the prick! Then you can kick his ass!" Marth was beginning to lose patience with his spastic lover.

"Why don't you beat him up?" Roy picked up on the anger and the sarcasm immediately. How was he always so damn calm like this?

"Are you kidding, Link's like ripped."

"Oh, I see how it is." Marth retorted, averting his gaze back to the tailgater. Oh, Link, what the hell are you thinking…

---

Rediscovering his lost manners, Ike stopped staring rudely at his female guest and, ignoring the outstretched hand, rose to his feet. Gingerly he began to pat the back of his blue head.

"Good, no blood." He said and smiled gingerly at the woman.

"Blood?" She questioned pushing her long black bangs off of her face.

"Hit my head, no big deal. How can I help you." You sure do make a great first impression, Ike thought as he resumed sitting behind his wooden desk.

"Actually I was-" The beauty began.

"Let me guess, rat bastard of a husband? Please don't tell me its that." He looked at her genuinely hoping it wasn't that.

"Husband? Um I think you're mistaken, I'm-" She was cut off again

"Well thank god, you have no idea how many adultery cases have come in here the past few weeks. I was thinking that they would never end!" He sighed and opened his mouth in a big, stupid grin.

"I'm actually here about a job interview." The woman piped in, adjusting her tie. That's strange, Ike thought. What kind of woman wears a suit and tie to an interview?

"Oh, so you're the one I talked to on the phone?" Ike said, something felt very off.

"Yes, I am. I'm not late to the interview am I?" The visitor said nervously eyeing the clock on the wall.

"No, not late at all, right on time actually." Ike smiled and reassured her. He had no idea what time he had told her to come in for the interview. Something was still very, very off though, and he just couldn't place it. Not her demeanor, not the attitude, and he certainly wasn't minding her other "features." Then suddenly he realized what was bothering him, it was the tie. What kind of woman wears a suit and tie to a job interview? No kind, that's what kind!

"Wait didn't I talk to a man on the phone about a job as my assistant!" Ike practically yelled, now leaning halfway over his desk. The man sitting across from him blushed heavily.

"Yes, you did."

---

The old tan Mercedes pulled up in front of the multipurpose red brick building and, after struggling to parallel park for about five minutes, Marth finally got it into the spot.

"You are the worst at parking ever, I swear!" Roy said jokingly, as he assessed Marth's park job like a personal driving instructor.

"Tsk, tsk, where do I begin? You're crooked, too close to this car and you're practically on the curb. I'm afraid you won't be getting your license today young man." Roy was practically on the ground laughing until Marth slapped him on the back of the head and fed the parking meter three quarters.

"I seem to recall that the only reason I drive us places Roy is because you backed into a car during your drivers test." Marth leered right at Roy, daring him to retort.

"Oh, bullshit, that guy should have been watching where he was going!" Roy pouted, crossing his arms on his chest.

"He should have been watching- you were on the highway, why in god's name would you be going in reverse!"

"I missed my exit!"

"You missed-" Marth face palmed and cut himself off. Why do I love this idiot, why?

"Lets just focus on figuring out where in the building this guys office is." Marth said changing the subject.

"It's on the second floor. It should be called 'Ike Spiegel: Private Investigative Service' or something." Roy said, holding the door open for his lover. Marth rewarded him with a gentle kiss on the lips.

"What would I do without you."

"You better reward me properly when we get home." Roy called after him, closing the door behind them.

"You know I always do!"

---

"Soren." Soren said to the obviously preoccupied Ike as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Soren? Soren. So your name is Soren, and you're here for a job interview." Ike's face felt like it was on fire, he'd never felt so stupid in his whole life.

Oh my god, she' s a man, and I was checking her-him out! I am such an idiot, he must think I'm the dumbest person alive, and I'm supposed to be a detective!

"Yes, I'm here for the job interview." Soren's face was quite red too, and he couldn't stop fidgeting in his seat.

"You're uncomfortable, aren't you? I'm making you uncomfortable, look I'm sorry, jeez…I feel so stupid. I'm really sorry about that." Ike couldn't help but keep staring. For a man, he sure is beautif- shut up! What am I thinking?

"Don't worry about it, I get that a lot actually." Soren smiled gently and firmly planted himself in the chair, resisting the urge to squirm even more.

"No shit, is that so? Well no offense, but it is sort of an easy mistake to make, I think it's the hair. But don't get me wrong! I like the hair, keep the hair." Smooth Ike, real smooth. You've got him right where you want him. What am I saying? I don't want him anywhere!

"Um, well, thank you, I guess. So this interview, should I…" Soren trailed off, wanting desperately to come off as less awkward than he was being.

"Consider yourself hired!" Ike said, brandishing his hand for a handshake and grinning broadly.

"But I haven't even answered a single question, we didn't even have an interview!" Soren stammered, ignoring the hand and staring up at Ike in complete confusion.

"Well to be frank I like you Soren. You seem all right, polite, considerate, all that stuff. Plus to be honest you were the only person that even responded to the ad I put out." His face now completely beet red, Soren delicately took Ike's hand and barely shook it. He was clearly still unsure.

"Well, I, um…well thank you Mister…" He trailed off.

"Ike."

"Your last name is Ike?"

"No my last name isn't- just call me Ike. It's my first name." Ike said, staring perplexed at his new assistant.

"Oh, okay. Thank you for the job Mister- oh, I mean Ike." Soren blurted out.

"Soren, don't take this the wrong way but you have to be the dumbest smart person I have ever met." Ike said chuckling in between his words. Luckily, Soren chuckled back and Ike couldn't help but be thankful, the ice between them was finally broken.

"So Soren, any interest in starting work right now? Unless you're busy, in which case we should talk about hours before you leave."

"No, I can start right now Mis- Ike." Soren said as he caught himself going to say Mister again.

"Good, don't take off your jacket then, we're going out to lunch." Ike grabbed for his own jacket as he stood up from his desk.

"Lunch!?! But sir I thought I was on the clock already?" The youths face turned beet red as he watched the larger man make his way to the door.

"Oh hell, if I didn't like mister what made you think that I would like sir? C'mon, my treat, and nothings going on here anyways." Ike opened the door and stood holding it for the raven headed boy. As he watched him cross the room playing with the knot in his tie he couldn't help but to stare.

Is he being shy or, wait, could he be interested in me? Is that why he's acting like this? He does seem on edge but- no that's stupid. He's not interested in you, you're just being egotistical, and what good would it be if he was?

"I, well, I'm, I, Thank you Si-" Soren had to cut himself off again.

"Look, I drive the only orange range rover in the parking lot behind the building, wait there I have to lock up and shut down the computer. Alright?" He didn't want to part with the boy but he figured they both needed a moment to calm down. And it was true, he did need to power his stuff down and he did need to lock up.

"Oh, uh yeah. Yeah, orange range rover, got it." Soren walked down the hall towards the staircase at the right end. All the while reciting orange range rover to himself out loud.

"Cute kid…What am I nuts!" Ike scrambled back into the office running to shut down his computer and suddenly very flustered.

"I can't believe I said that out loud, hell I can't believe I said it at all. Ike is strait, Ike is very, very strait." He made his way to the door loosening his tie and throwing it onto the coat rack by the door.

"Strait, s-t-r-a-t, strait. Wait shit that's wrong."

"Um excuse me, Mr. Spiegel right?" Ike whipped around to see two collegiate looking boys walking down the hall coming from the left stairwell.

The taller of the two was a blue headed youth, with hair only slightly lighter in shade than Ike's, but significantly longer. The other, shorter one, was a fiery red head with tussled hair almost as short as his own. The bluenette was wearing a long sleeved white shirt with a scarf around his neck, the other was wearing a green gingham shirt open wide with a black tank top underneath. Both wore designer jeans to go with their tops, the bluenette's jeans a black washed pair, the red heads a bleached pair. Jeez, you ever get the feeling looking at two guys that you could swear they were dating?

"So what can I do for the happy couple?" Ike said jokingly as he finished locking up his door.

"We're that obvious?" Marth said, eyeing the larger man.

"What two smoking' hot guys like us Marth, who wouldn't assume?" Roy shot at his lover advancing down the hall towards Ike. The large bluenette nearly slammed his head into the doorframe in shock. Wow, you're battin' a thousand today, aren't you Ike?

"Sorry, didn't mean to pry." Ike muttered, barely audible. "can I help you with something?"

"Yes, you can. We were hoping you could help us with an adultery case. We saw your ad and we think you'd be perfect. Ike couldn't hide his frustration from the two, but then he wasn't trying very hard.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I don't just talk to any guy who knows my last name, alright? If you want me to work a case for you, you need an appointment."

"We have an appointment." The very feminine bluenette shot back, not missing a beat.

Oh crap. They have an appointment? I should really have a day planner or something by now. Why don't I have a day planner? And why in god's name would I schedule a job interview and a client meeting at the same goddamn time?

"Really, my mistake. I'm in a hurry though so…"Marth rolled his eyes as the detective tried to backtrack.

"Can we just give you this folder, we put it together to make your job easier. Its got the address of the couple we want you to investigate, who's cheating on who, and the address of the 'third party'." Marth replied, coolly handing the detective a manila folder.

"Sure, yeah, sorry If I seem impatient." He had already started to open the folder and go through its contents.

"So is there like a picture of any of these people in here, cuz that would help a lot."

"Yes, they probably sank to the bottom of the folder but they should be in there." Marth responded warming up to the gumshoe slightly. He didn't get too comfortable however, no sooner had he spoken then the tall bluenette proceeded to flip the folder over, spilling its contents across the floor.

"Smooth, very smooth." Marth said crossing his hands across his chest. Clearly not impressed. But Ike didn't notice his tone of voice, nor did he notice anything at all. The only thing he could see was a Polaroid lying on the ground staring up at him atop a pile of scattered papers and other pictures. Inside a thin white frame sat a pale, raven haired boy, approximately 19-20 years old. He was quite beautiful for a man, and Ike would know the face anywhere. His gaze lowered and locked on the words scrawled on the bottom part of the white frame-

Soren Cruice, Third party.

No Love For Ike, End.