Returning Favors
"I've tried everything short of Aristotle,
to Dramamine and the whiskey bottle.
Pray for the day when my ship comes in,
And I can sleep the sleep of the just again."
-"Insomniac", Billy Pilgrim
Annie heard the distant, almost muffled sound of a ringing phone and whimpered. This was just not fair. What could they possibly want now? Rolling over, she reached out to her nightstand and groped about until she came up with her cell phone. Glancing at the time on her alarm clock, she scowled; she'd only been asleep for three hours. You'd think after the five day fiasco her last op was, the DPD would let her have her glorious two days off in peace. But no, here they were, invading her heavenly sleep with God only knew what.
"What?" she growled into the phone, falling back on her pillow awaiting the orders that would pull her from her warm and comfortable bed.
"Why do I get the feeling I should be extremely grateful I'm not in the same room as you right now?" came the cheerful voice of her best friend and favorite handler, Auggie Anderson. Annie softened her annoyance a bit. After all, Auggie had been with her every step of the way during the Prague fiasco and was undoubtedly just as tired as she was. Although, how he could still sound cheerful was beyond her comprehension.
"You got that feeling because your super-duper CIA senses are telling you that I've only had three hours of sleep since the day before yesterday and am seriously caffeine deprived," Annie replied, pulling her comforter back up over herself and rolling onto her side. Auggie wouldn't be calling her to call her back into work; he'd been ordered home by Joan the moment Annie had touched down in D.C.
"Ouch," the tech commiserated, "did you stop off at a bar on your way home? Your flight landed 10 hours ago."
Annie sighed, "No, Danielle and Michael had this anniversary date thing planned, and I had promised to babysit the girls. I only barely made it home in time to keep that promise; I couldn't bail on her. She and Michael haven't had a real grown-up date since before I started at the CIA."
"Nice to see that the romance doesn't ever completely die," he joked, "But go back to sleep, I'll call you later."
Annie frowned at her pillows, her curiosity peaked, "Did you need something?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Are you sure you worked for SAD? You're a terrible liar."
"I, like you, am still sleep and caffeine deprived."
"What's going on, Aug?"
There was a long pause, a pause that Annie had only very, very rarely been on the receiving end of. That awkward moment when someone is summoning the courage to say something they're unsure they should.
"Auggie," she said softly, "What's wrong?"
"I need a favor," he finally admitted.
Annie sat up, and tossed her comforter to the foot of her bed, "Anything."
"Well, I use a grocery service to have my groceries picked up and delivered to my apartment. However, my order this week was lost and they can't get to me until Thursday. And well…I'm out of everything."
Annie swung her feet around and hopped out of bed with a surprising amount of energy. She unplugged her cell phone from her charger and went in search of some clothes. It was Monday today, so three days without anything in the pantry or fridge was unacceptable.
"Alright, text me whatever you need to hold you over and I'll pick it up on my way," she said, snatching up a pair of old, well worn jeans from where they lay tossed over the back of a chair.
"You're too good to me, you know?" Auggie asked, and Annie could hear the smile in his voice.
"Pfft. Are you crazy? This is just one of the thousands of favors I owe you."
"It can't be thousands."
"Would you like them alphabetically or chronologically?" she teased him.
"Neither. But I'll declare us even if you get me Klondike bars."
"Klondike bars, really?" she asked, laughing as she gingerly worked herself into a U.S. Army hoodie she'd stolen from the man she was speaking too several months ago.
"Hey, simplicity is perfection. Annie, you really don't have to come now, I can wait until tomorrow morning so you can get some sleep-"
"Aug? Be quiet. I know you live off way too much take out as it is. Now, I've got to hunt me down my keys and you have a list to compile. Hop to it, solider. Else wise you're getting whatever I want."
His low laugh warmed her as it rumbled in her ear, "Yes, ma'am."
"See you soon," Annie said with a grin before hanging up.
He hadn't needed much; just some basic staples like bread, vegetables, fruit, butter and booze. She even grabbed him his Klondike bars. So, barely an hour later, she was pulling up to his small, but cozy apartment complex, still exhausted, but feeling better than she had in days.
It was nice to finally feel helpful to her friend. Annie sometimes (okay, most times) felt their relationship was a bit unbalanced – what with her getting the benefit of his experience, his expertise, his kindness and his humor. Climbing from her car, she pulled her winter jacket she'd worn over Auggie's hoodie tighter around her body. February in D.C. was freezing. Eagar to get out of the cold, Annie unloaded her purchases from her trunk and hurried up the steps to the front door. Luckily there was someone exiting at the same time and was kind enough to hold the door open for her. One short elevator ride later, she was using her foot to knock on his apartment door.
"You come bearing gifts?" he asked as he opened the door.
"And Klondike bars," she replied. He stepped back, sweeping an arm out in welcome.
"That's the best news I've had all day," he said.
Auggie's apartment was spacious, and considering his disability, he did not clutter it up with unnecessary furniture. As a result, his home seemed Spartan and functional. At the same time, there were obvious aspects of his life pre-blindness that remained. The man kept pictures on his walls and he made sure all his furniture matched. Visual aesthetics, he had told her once, may be something he could no longer appreciate, but that didn't mean he would force those who visited him to a bare and uninviting space.
That, Annie had thought to herself at the time, said a great deal about what kind of person her best friend was.
"I'm curious," Auggie began as he lead the way to the kitchen after relieving Annie of half of the bags, "You haven't had a solid night's sleep since last Friday, so you probably look like you just crawled out from under a bar and your sister still decided to let you watch her children?"
"Careful buddy," Annie mock growled, dumping her load on the counter, "Remember, you taught me how to kick your ass."
He laughed, "I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve."
Annie perked up at that while watching him run his long fingered hands over the items she'd bought for him, identifying them from touch. She really never tired of watching him navigate his world – he always managed it with such patience and grace.
"Really? Where you ever going to teach me those tricks?"
"Only if you're good."
"Oh? Good at what exactly?" Annie purred, stepping close to him and bumping her hip into his.
He grinned at her, nudging her back, "How about at making rice?"
Annie blinked in surprise, "Eh?"
He held up a box of white rice that she'd gotten.
"The least I can do is feed you. I'm willing to bet one of my Klondike bars you haven't eaten anything since the in-flight meal from Prague."
"You lose," Annie smirked, "I had smores poptarts with my nieces."
Auggie merely quirked an eyebrow, "Well, then I guess it'll be Klondike bars for dessert. You do the rice; I'll handle the stir fry."
Annie had to laugh at how neatly he'd trapped her. But at the same time, she was glad he did. She was tired, exhausted really; but while sleep would soothe her body; being around Auggie always managed to soothe her bruised heart and soul. And after what happened in Prague, Annie was definitely bruised.
"You win, Aug. But if I end up crashing on your couch, don't say I didn't warn you."
Auggie waved that away, "Meh. It's not the first time; and I doubt it'll be the last."
She smirked; stepping around him to help herself to one of his cook pots that hung over the stove top.
"Try not to sound so excited."
"I'll attempt to rein in my enthusiasm, my dear."
With her back to him, she missed the sincere, content smile that went with his teasing words.
Annie scraped the last of the simple, but delicious stir fry onto her fork and savored it. Relaxing with a happy sigh in her chair, she snatched her glass of wine up and downed the last little bit as well.
"I take it from your sigh, my cooking skills have passed muster?"
She rolled her eyes, "How is it you've become an expert in how I sigh in seven months?"
"Desperation," he deadpanned, a smile teasing the corners of his mouth. He got up to take his dishes into the kitchen; she followed with her own. They made quick work of the leftovers and loaded up the dishwasher. Afterwards, Annie returned to the living room, knowing she'd taken her shoes off in here somewhere. Looking about for them, she huffed in annoyance when they were not immediately visible. She was about to check the entry way when Auggie came up behind her.
"I kicked them under the couch," he said, gesturing to the worn, overstuffed piece of furniture.
"How do you do that?" Annie demanded, as she dropped to sit on the couch so she could bend over to check under it. The man may be blind, but he still managed to see more than you'd expect. She didn't think she'd ever met anyone that had gotten to know her so truly and intimately like Auggie had. After all, unlike Ben, Auggie had had to scale some pretty impressive defenses. She would readily admit that he was the only person in her life that she could trust with everything about herself.
"It's all in the listening," Auggie answered, taking a seat on his couch next to her while she pulled her shoes out from underneath it. "In everything we do, we give ourselves away. So as long as someone is paying attention."
He used the remote control that was on the coffee table to switch on his stereo. True to form, Charles Mingus' song "Goodbye Pork Pie Hat" came on; the soothing sounds of a skillfully played piano rippling through the small apartment. Annie paused a moment to enjoy the familiar music before unlacing one of her sneakers.
"Save the ice cream for next time?" she asked.
"Of course, you going to make it home without falling asleep behind the wheel?" he asked. It wasn't late by normal standards, just after ten, but Annie had been up consistently for nearly three days.
"I'll be alright," Annie assured him, "I did get some sleep on the flight home."
"You never did answer me, you know."
"When?" she asked absentmindedly, shoving her foot into her shoe and tying the laces.
Auggie sighed, catching her attention. He sounded…tired.
"I asked you, before you boarded the flight home, if you were okay with what you did. You told me your plane was boarding and hung up."
Annie stiffened at his words, staring resolutely at her feet. The foot without a shoe yet had a canary yellow sock with Tweety Bird on it. It had been a gift from her nieces last Christmas. She'd already lost the mate, but she wore the one lone one anyways. The color and the cartoon character made her smile whenever she saw it, and it wasn't like Auggie was going to criticize her for it. She tried to focus on the bright color, rather than her dark memories of the past few days, but it wasn't working. Auggie's soft query had brought it all rushing up from the deep place she'd shoved them.
In Prague, she'd met up with a Chinese spy turned CIA asset for an exchange. However, the man turned traitor (or was it patriot? After all the man was Chinese, not American. So wasn't being a double (triple?) agent against the CIA an act of patriotism?). Annie had found herself trapped between the murderous turncoat and a wall. The young woman chose to pull the trigger of a stolen Glock 9mm rather than let the agent kill her first. It was the first time she'd killed anyone.
"Do you remember when you first killed someone?" Annie asked, barely speaking.
"March 28, 2003."
Annie looked over at him, surprised at his prompt admission.
"I take it then, forgetting this ever happened isn't an option?"
He gave her a sad, rueful little smile, "No Annie, forgetting is not an option. Ever."
"Then…" she said slowly, breath hitching just a little, "I'm not doing so hot, Aug," she finally admitted.
He reached for her, sliding closer across the couch and putting an arm around the back of her shoulders. She leaned towards him, just a little, just enough to carefully rest her head on his shoulder, while her hands twisted restlessly in her lap.
"I didn't really understand just how dirty we're forced to get," she whispered to him. Auggie placed his free hand over her fidgeting ones.
"No one ever does," he soothed, tugging her closer. She complied, and leaned more heavily on him. There was about his calm presence, his comforting warmth and unfailing strength that simply drew her in. She hadn't been lying months ago when she had told him he was mesmerizing. Something, or all of those things made him…magnetic.
"I go home to my sister, and my nieces," she began, "and I watch them be so happy and content. They're clean and I'm not and what keeps me up at night is the fear that I'll never be clean again. That I'll never be carefree again. That I've given that ability up because of the guilt I'll always feel."
He dropped his arm around her shoulders to her waist and pulled her closer yet again. This time, she pulled her legs up and curled herself tightly into his side fully seeking the comfort he offered so readily. Tucked against him like she was, her face now rested where his shoulder and neck met, and his voice rumbled in her ear.
"I can't say that that guilt you feel about what you've – we've – done will ever leave you. But I can promise you that happiness and bliss are still attainable. The ability to be carefree never leaves us; however sometimes we can let the guilt keep us from it."
She could tell, simply from his tone, he spoke form experience. She wondered, not for the first time, what his life had been like right after he'd been blinded. One did not reach the acceptance and humor of his situation like Auggie had without spending some time at the bottom of the emotional scrap heap first.
"How do you get around the guilt?" she asked, still whispering. If she spoke any louder, she might lose what little control she had over her emotions and start crying.
He sighed into her hair, "You admit the possibility that you don't deserve happiness and enjoy it as much as you can anyways."
"That sounds so…"
"Selfish?"
"Well…yea."
"Sorry to disappoint. But Annie, I think we can both admit that in our profession, sometimes the moral high ground just isn't an option."
"So…what? If we're going to hell, might as well do it properly?"
He gave her a small but eloquent shrug of his shoulders, "Yes."
Annie fell silent, leaning against her friend in more ways than one. They sat like that for a long while, listening to the song peak and then wind to a close. The next song began, one of her favorites called "Self-Portrait in Three Colors".
"Annie?" he began quietly, "You know what helps me the most?"
"What?"
"The knowledge that there are people in my life who care enough about me to not care how dirty I end up."
Annie pulled back, just a little bit so she could see his face. He was staring blankly ahead and perfectly serious.
"Huh?" she asked, not getting it.
"You've read my file. My complete file, yes?"
She nodded, knowing he could feel it.
"So you know about the things I've done. The people I've killed in the name of the CIA cause."
Again, she nodded.
"Despite all that. Do you want me to be happy?"
Annie didn't need to think about her answer. The answer was obvious. Auggie was her best friend, and no matter what he'd done, she wanted the best for him. What she did pause to consider, was what that opinion meant for her.
"Yes," she answered. She took a breath and asked, "Do you want me to be?"
"Absolutely," he replied solemnly.
Annie laid her head back against his shoulder, one of her hands resting on his tee-shirt, right over his heart. She felt its comforting rhythm under her fingers and for the first time since she pulled the trigger in Prague, felt the shine of contentment wash over her. She relaxed in a way she hadn't been able too, and didn't even notice it when she dropped off, completely asleep in minutes.
Auggie felt her breathing even out and gave a sigh of relief. He didn't have to see to know just how heavily the past few days had weighed on her. It had been obvious to him in her weak laughs, her tired voice and that indescribable feeling of…sadness that hung in the air around her like a depressing perfume. She'd been ground down mercilessly, and he was relieved she was finally resting.
Unwilling to disturb her now, Auggie reached out, and used the remote to turn the stereo way down. Then, he turned himself, stretching out along his couch to rest his back against the seats, pulling Annie down with him so she too lay more comfortably. Thus settled, he reached for the blanket he kept on the back of the couch and spread it over them both.
He closed his eyes and sighed, maybe, like this, he too would manage to find some real rest.
A/N: Hello all, guess this genre wasn't done with me yet. :)
I hope everyone enjoyed it, I'm not completely happy with it, mostly because I was hoping for some romance but my muse was having none of it. I'd like to thank everyone who has read, reviewed or favorited my previous stories, all of your encouragement lead to this new story. Specifically, I'd also like to thank Claire P. Everson, Indecisively Yours, Whoaa Kayy and spinningleaves. You all have been great, so thank you.
Anyone else eagarly anticipating tomorrow (checks watch), oops sorry, today's episode? I know I've got a little mental countdown going. :)
Cheers!
