Lexie POV
I wake up in a cold sweat and with my mind racing, again. I see that I am laying in my hospital bed still and that I am not out in the woods like I imagined I was. I shouldn't be surprised, I have been having dreams like this for the last four weeks. After the plane crash we were out there in the wilderness for four whole days, and the experience still haunts me every time I sleep. Honestly, it haunts me when I am awake also. There is nothing I wish more than to just forget about everything that happened and move on. I am sick of being in this bed, in this hospital as a patient, and I am especially sick of not being able to go visit Mark.
My injuries are pretty severe, thank goodness Mark and Cristina were able to stop the bleeding after they got me out from underneath the back end of the plane. It took a lot of clothing to wrap all my wounds. I have had numerous surgeries to fix my bones, but thanks to Callie's amazing work I should make an almost full recovery. Probably won't be running any marathons anytime soon but that's alright with me, there is really only one thing on my mind right now.
My friends have been trying to keep me calm but they can't hide the pain I feel about Mark. He hasn't woken up yet and there isn't much hope that he will. He was the one who kept me strong in the woods and now that I know that he loves me back it would be especially hard to lose him. I don't know how I could live with myself if he does die, I have tried being with other men but I always fall back to him. He is the one, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and share the good times and bad with. I can't do better than Mark Sloan because there is no better. The words "Meant to be.." float into my mind. I need to see him, I want to see him, I have to see him.
I can't get out of bed without a wheel chair so I will need someone to help me, but I know no one would knowingly give me modes of transportation to move around the hospital unauthorized. I have to find a way though, I can't stand being stuck here anymore, I can't stand being without him anymore. I watch as a nurse walks by with a wheelchair. Suddenly an idea pops into my mind. I yank the heart monitor tabs off of my chest and close my eyes and hold my breath. The alarm on my heart monitor goes off signaling that my heart has stopped. The nurse rushes in and pushes the code blue button, " Code blue! Code blue!" she yells in a panic, obviously new and inexperienced I think. She isn't acting near fast enough to save someone's life. The nurse runs out of the room to get a crash cart and I quickly lean over and grab the wheel chair that she has left and pull it over to the bed. I get into the wheelchair as quickly and gracefully as I can, but with two crushed legs and a broken pelvis it's kinda hard. I wince as I drop onto the seat, but I ignore the intense pain I feel and pull the tubes and needles from my arm and quickly wheel out of the room. Once I am a good 10 feet from the room door I casually wheel myself around the floor as not to draw attention to myself. Room 102...room 102...my photographic memory really helps me with this information after they showed me Mark's chart a week ago. Now I know exactly where he is. I have to pick the right time though, I have to make sure no one is visiting him so they don't send me back to the Hell that is my room.
I count down the room numbers until I see Mark's room, and there he is lying in his bed. He looks so weak, so fragile, so not him. It scares me and I gasp and try to hold back the tears welling in the back of my eyes, "Mark.." I croak. I am lost in my fear and pain for a moment, I quickly snap back to reality though and realize I can't be seen sitting here in the hallway crying or I will get caught. I look to my right and see a utility closet, I check and see if anyone is around, it's weirdly quiet in the halls so I safely wheel myself into the room and shut the door. I sit there and let the tears fall.
I can't believe he looks like that, I have always seen Mark as the strong one. But there he is, just laying there withering away. Even from a distance I can tell it doesn't look good, I can't lose him though. God can't do this to us right? He can't let this happen. I take a minute to pray that Mark will get better and that everything will work itself out. I am not the kind of person to pray but this just seems like a moment that you should, I am desperate at this point. Desperate for some hope.
I remember that my whole goal was to see him, I should see him even if his state scares me and hurts me. I open the door just a crack and look into his room, Derek is in there taking a physical. I know it's not good, Derek's face looks pained. I know this is hard for him too, the prospect of losing his best friend. He was out there with us too, Derek was, and he knows the kind of torture and pain we went through during that time. Even though he would probably understand my need to see Mark, I know he would have me sent back to room for my safety, just because he married my sister he now thinks he has the right to treat me like a little sister. I am the baby in the family already, I don't need another person treating me like one.
I wait and watch for Derek to leave,once he does I'll have to hurry and get in there and close the blinds. I sit there waiting impatiently for about twenty minutes until Derek leaves the room, it seemed like an eternity. I poke my head out of the room and take a scan of my surroundings, the nurses have their back turned so I quickly leave the room and close the door. I then casually wheel down the hallway like I am supposed to be there until I almost reach Mark's room " So close...so close," I whisper to myself. Now I just have to wait for someone to code, which happens at least three times in an hour on the ICU floor. I pick up a magazine and wait, I pretend to read but really in my head I am thinking of what I want to say to Mark considering they may be the last words I ever get to say to him. No, no, I can't think that way. If I think that way I am just going to cry, and sobbing in the hallway of the ICU is not a way to fly under the radar.
After waiting a good fifteen minutes the alarm goes of signaling a code blue, all the nurses rush down the hallway in the other direction, crash cart in tow. I move quickly and get myself into Mark's room. I struggle to close the door from my wheelchair and shut the blinds. Then there I am, I made it, I am here with the man I love but all I can feel is fear. Fear to breathe, fear to move, fear to do anything that could hurt this fragile man in the bed. This is not the strong Mark that I know, but I know he needs me right now and by staying alive this long he is strong. I wheel myself over to the side of his bed and just look at him. I listen to the respirator breathing for him, and the beeping of the heart monitor as it tells everyone whether or not he lives or dies. I take a shuddering breath and look away for a moment to gather myself. He has been strong for me so many times and now it's my turn to be strong for him. I ignore my fear and take his hand. His hand is cool, not warm like a healthy person, but not cold like death. The indifference bothers me, as if I could lose him any moment. Even with the fear and how uncomfortable it is to feel the coolness and not feel him grab my hand back, it feels so right and it feels so good to be close to him again. "Mark, I'm here. It's me, Lexie." I say in a quiet and shaky voice, " We made it out! We made it out of the woods! We are going to do everything you said we are going to do. We are going to get married and we are going to have lots of kids and we are going to be happy Mark!" Tears run down my face as I stare at his unresponsive face, " I love you Mark, and you love me and we are meant to be. You can't die on me now, not after everything we've been through and survived. We are meant to be, so please don't die. Don't die, please,please,don't die." I plead. I start uncontrollably sobbing, it can't end like this! This can't be it! " Mark! Mark! You wake up right now! You said it, we are meant to be so wake up! Wake up now, please!" I yell and plead at runs in, " Lexie! What are you doing in here? You can't be in here!" "I needed to see him, he can't die Derek! He can't die, he said it. He said it." Derek walks over and wraps his arms around me, he holds me as I cry like a child. " I am so sorry, so sorry," he says as he wipes the tears from my face, " I know you want him back, we all do, but you need to come back to your room. I'll take you." I look at him and then to Mark, I know Derek is right, it's for everyone's best interest if I go back to my room. Before Derek can pull me away I squeeze Mark's hand, " I love you." I whisper in his ear. I lean down and kiss him, softly, savoring probably the last kiss I will ever have with the man I love. Then it happens, the alarm goes off. Flat line. His heart stops.
"What's happening?! Derek! What's happening?!" I yell at the top of my lungs, " Someone get her out of here, now!" Derek yells into the hallway. A couple nurses come and try to get me to calm down so they can wheel me away, I shove them off of me and continue to scream, " Mark! Stay with me Mark! Derek save him now!" All the color has left from his face, and everything seems to be going in slow motion, a bunch of nurses roll in a crash cart and Derek is moving quickly and I can see the panic he is trying to hide on his face. I start sobbing and I continue to scream Mark's name, this can't be happening, not right now not after everything. " Page Dr. Grey and have her come get Lexie!" Derek yells at a nurse, he picks up the paddles, " Charge to 300! Mark, don't quit on me," he says. Derek places the paddles to his chest, I continue to sob and I feel at a total loss of control. My world is ending at this moment, Mark is my world and he is dying, actually physically dying at this second in time and I can't take it. I scream in emotional pain as I watch Derek shock Mark. Mark's body jumps from the electrical currents that just tried to re-start his heart. I look at the heart monitor and there is no change, " No...No!" I yell and cry, Meredith is behind me now ready to wheel me away, " Lexie it's time to go now, let's go." She says in her best soothing voice, " No, I am not leaving." I say with a growl. Derek yells out to charge the paddles again and he places them on Mark again, the shock goes through his body and there is no change on his heart monitor. It's over, he has left me. I am in a state of total emotional devastation and I just cry. But then, the heart monitor beeps. I look down at Mark quickly just in time to see him gasp and start choking on his intubation tube.
" He's alive?! He's Alive! Mark you are here!" I exclaim in total disbelief, how did this happen? This never happens. " Get her out of here now, I can handle this!" Derek yells at Meredith, she pulls my wheelchair out of the room and wheels me briskly down the hallway. " I love you Mark Sloan! You here me I love you and we are meant to be!" I yell down the hallway, and I watch as his room disappears.
