Chapter 1
Severus did his best at ignoring the summer heat, but it was rather difficult. The heat was truly unbearable. It had not rained in week. There are was dry and it was almost hard to breath. Even the shade was hot and Severus was trying to not have a heat stroke. Severus's family was unable to afford the luxury of cooling fans or had the funds to visit a place with cold water. It didn't help that the constant buzz of the cicadas ranged throughout the day and it was getting on Severus's nerves.
Severus licked his lips. They were chapped again and he was thirsty. Normally, he wouldn't be caught dead outside. He hated interacting with people. Not to mention there was nobody there to see or talk to him anymore anyway, but his father was home, on the rare occasion he wasn't out "working" or drinking their funds away. The moment Severus heard his father's booming voice screaming in slurs and the unmistakable sound of glass shattering against the wall, he fled to the small lake to get away. Severus had cursed himself when he forgot to grab his bag of books from his hasty escape, let alone something the keep him fed or hydrated for the day. Not that there was anything for him to bring anyway.
When he first arrived, Severus didn't know what to do. He just stared at the lake that remained unnaturally still. Severus wondered if it was a good enough idea to jump in, but he wasn't a very good swimmer and the waters were dirty and it was probably warm. It wasn't a very good idea, but maybe if he went far enough, he could drown. Anything was better than this, but Severus dismissed the thought and decided to lay down on the dry grass which was yellow and dead. Severus had tried to take a nap, there was nothing for him to do and he refused to return home, but the heat was too bothersome and the cries of screaming and laughter from children nearby kept him up. Severus just sighed.
Tomorrow he was leaving for Hogwarts for the last time. He should feel excited that he will be returning, but that excitement had died a long time ago. What was the point? There was nothing there for him...
Severus laid on the grass for what felt like hours. His body was hot and stiff, but there wasn't anything for him to do nor was there anywhere for him to go. Usually, on the rare occasion that his dad was home, he would just go Lil-
Severus's eyes snapped open and he slowly sat up, looking at the brown house just beyond the fountain across the street. The house was one of the few houses that looked even remotely nice compared to all the other houses in the neighborhood. There were fresh flowers at the windows and was one of the few yards that had green grass. The white picket fence truly gave it the "wealthy" look.
The house was even better on the inside. It was always warm during the winters and cool during the summers. It always smelled sweet and always felt homey. Severus loved to be there. It was only there that he had a true moment of solace and could experience what a nice happy home and family felt like. But he hasn't been there in years nor had he spoke to Lily all summer. Neither one of them had sent a single letter to the other, nor had either one had gone to visit the other. Lily made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with him after what he said. No matter how much he pleased or said he was sorry, she would not forgive him and would turn away.
Severus wished he could he reconnect with his ex-friend once again. He wish he could spend time with her, to be in the comfort of her terrible jokes and discussion of magic and the terrible gossip of Tuney. Pain and sadness had washed over him, but it often changed into something ugly. Something dark.
Severus felt a familiar bitterness swell within him, but it deflated as he close his eyes and breathed out shaky breaths. Stress and anger escaped with every breath. It was his last year at Hogwarts and there were a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts that plagued his mind. He couldn't think most days nor could he sleep most nights. He has been fighting with Lily and the Marauders for all of sixth year that he had forgotten that he was meant to take the Dark Mark at the end of his seventh year. Severus laughed bitterly, talk about a graduation gift.
It was getting dark now, the sun was finally setting and the temperature was slowly dropping. Severus had yet to move from his spot despite the fact he was still thirsty and hungry. But he would not move. Thoughts still flooded his mind.
Lily was his only friend. Was. And as much as it pained Severus that they were no longer friends, he could not be mad at her. They might have been best friends, but they have been drifting apart for a long time now. It was not very apparent at first, but it was very noticeable now that Severus had time to think about it. They did try to make it work, but they were too different. The ideas and understanding of the world clashed too much. It was often the source of their arguments that left both of them drained and angry. Lily did not understand. She will never truly understand, no matter how many times he tried to explain . There was no hope for him, neither in the muggle nor the wizarding world could help him.
Severus could remember the pride that filled him when he was sorted into Slytherin, sharing the same house as his mother. The glow of freedom and acceptance filled him with such joy. And how could it not? He was at the greatest place in the world with his best friend. He was finally able to practice magic and make the potions he's been studying from his mother's old book for years. Plus, he was finally away from his father. It hurt him that he had to leave his mother, that she could not come with him and was left alone with that monster, but there was nothing he could do. Severus swore that he would write to her to just provide this one sense of comfort that he was well. But despite his mother's situation and that Lily and himself were sorted into different houses, he would not allow it to affect his time at Hogwarts. At least, that was what was supposed to happen.
Unknown to Severus, a war was coming and Slytherin was no longer seen as just another house at Hogwarts. No, it was now the house that bred Death Eaters who played with dark magic and hated anything that concerned muggles. It was a lesson that Severus had learned quite early and just as harshly. It was a terrible place, Severus thought. The prejudices of purebloods made it hard to live there. His half-blood status was one of the few things that prevented him from being completely cursed by his house mates. But he was still tainted with muggle inferiority. He was nothing there. Despised just like a muggle. But he was also useful which Severus hated and thanked immensely. Severus was smart, far more intelligent than they thought he would be. Plus, he was good at potions as well. He was too valuable to simply throw away. They needed him just as much as they despised him. Severus never asked for what they needed spells or potions. He had an idea, but it was his only option to survive in that house. Malfoy made it very clear of what they would do to him if he ever became useless. He would be treated the same way they treated the few muggleborns that unfortunately had the right amount of cunning and pride to be placed into Slytherin. They were not as lucky as he was. They were beaten and tortured, but they never said a word. They couldn't afford to. It made Severus sick with guilt and anger, but he could not risk his position otherwise he would end up like them too. It was all about survival, self preservation.
No matter how much Severus wanted to refuse them, to fight against them, there was no where for him to go. All of the houses stayed away as soon as they saw the green colored robes. They were too scared to be near him since he was seen as the Malfoy's "favorite". An act against Malfoy was deadly and nobody would risk their lives for someone like him. Except Lily. Lily was the only one who stayed, but as strong as Lily was, she could not fight against all of them at all times. Not that he would let her, ever. This was his battle, and he made sure that she never knew the full extent of what it was like to be a Slytherin. Maybe he should have, thought Severus. Then maybe she would have understood just a little bit better. Yet that would have put her at risk.
If anything, that would just inspire her to start a war with Malfoy. Lily was brilliant, but she did not have to know the customaries of pureblood families. She would never survive a fued with them. She just didn't have the social or political standing that they did. She could lose her wand or die. But knowing Lily, she would do it over again if she had to. Such a Gryffindor with their righteousness, thought Severus. But it didn't matter, not anymore, Lily was gone. No thanks to James Potter.
Severus couldn't stop the sneer that fell upon his lips. James Potter was the perfect man: rich, good looking, and powerful. Never had a care or worry in his life. He was everything that Severus was not and he hated him for it. But that hate, while not completely gone, was nothing more than a bubbling bitterness that would come and go.
Oh, how he loved to blame Potter for everything. He still does, but Severus knew that losing Lily was his fault. However, Severus was too tired to care anymore. Potter had won and he was left with nothing. He would become the very man that James always said he would be: nothing more than a slimy, dirty, greasy snake. Severus closed his eyes, anger, pain, and regret building up. But it went away once again, and Severus found himself falling asleep. He just hoped he wouldn't find himself waking up. He didn't want to wake up anymore.
When Severus had opened his eyes , it was dark. It was long since past midnight and Severus rose and began his walk back to the house. Slowly, but surely, Severus found himself in front of a dirty, broken-down building. He slowly made his way inside. At quick glance, he saw Tobias was passed out on the couch, a bottle of beer was slowing slipping from his grasp, but he did nothing to stop it. He would pay for that later, Severus knew.
He was still hungry and thirsty, but he walked passed the kitchen and made his way to his room. There wouldn't be anything in the kitchen anyway. They haven't bought anything since two weeks ago. The last of the food was a box of stale cereal that he had ate last night with his mother. He hasn't seen her since then. She was probably hiding in her room again, nursing a new bruise that Tobias had given her.
Severus worried about her alot. He always made sure to make a few extra potions at the end of each year to bring home for his mom. Whenever it got terribly bad, he would treat her and offer the comforts that only potions could give. But he could not help her with this. She was sick again. It was an on and off occurrence that would come at random. He tried to research the cause, but found nothing. It could be a variety of reasons. They were poor and they could barely afford the basic necessities like food and water. Not that she ate much when they did have food. She would save as much money as she could, refusing to eat unless it was absolutely necessary. She would take more shifts at work too, managing three jobs at a time. All of this was for him. So that she could provide for him and send him to school. Severus tried to help. He sold potions to students during the school year and was able to make quite a bit of cash, but she refused everytime. She would go so far as to return the money that he had snuck into her purse and the small tin she hid in the bottom of her drawer. When asked she would always say the same thing.
"This is the least I could do since I have failed you terribly before."
Her eyes were sullen and her skin was ghostly pale. She would always look more dead than alive and it brought a heart wrenching guilt to Severus. Yet, Severus never fought against it Some part of him agreed with her. He sometimes wanted to blame her, but he couldn't. She might not have been the best parent there was, never leaving despite their chances at a better life, but she tried. Maybe not as much as he would like, but he has mostly accepted that this would be his life for a long time.
As Severus opened his bedroom door, he gazed blankly at everything that was in it. The room was hardly a room at all, more of a closet really. It was old and dusty with more holes on the floor than the ceiling. His bed was nothing more than a few old rags with a cushion that provided more pain than comfort. However, it was a lot better than the floor, which was often filled with dirt and bugs that laid around the house.
Severus sat on his bed, a loud squeak ranged out from the springs. He sunk in the cushion so deeply that he feared that the bed would finally collapse. But it didn't. It was old and brittle, but it did not break.
He gazed at the window, although, it was dirty and broken. The train would be leaving in five hours and he should probably get as much sleep as he could. He didn't. He wasn't able to sleep this whole week or the week before. His mother would be coming in a few hours anyway to "wake him up" so that they could get him ready and sneak out of the house. They always left early so Tobias wouldn't see them. He always got nasty when he realized why they were leaving. He almost missed his train last year because they weren't quick enough to escape, and Lily nearly screamed when she saw the cuts and bruises that were scattered all over his body. No, he didn't want a repeat of last year.
Severus had arrived early and was able to grab a compartment at the end of the train. The train was mostly empty anyway since it was not meant to leave for another hour and a half. There were the few early birds who have arrived and there was a steady income of more passengers, but none of them disturbed him.
As soon as Severus had entered the compartment, he spelled the door locked with a difficult charm. He carefully place his things away and sat next to the window, gazing out at the families saying goodbye to their children, many of whom were crying as their children tried break from their grasps.
Normally, his mother hardly ever says anything to him when she drops him off. She often does it as quickly as possible to make it back to the house and never gets a chance to say the lengthy speeches parents usually give. It was alright to him, it never really bothered him before. But, surprisingly, she hugged Severus. Her hug was desperate and Severus could have sworn that he heard her cry, feeling a few tears dampen his clothes. The smell of cheap perfume filled his senses, but she was gone afterwards, leaving him at the station by himself. For some reason, that hug let on a lot more than his mother could ever say. It was as if she knew something that he didn't. He couldn't shake this unknown feeling that something was going to to happen; something bad no doubt. Severus thought carefully of all the possibilities, but he was shaken out of his thoughts when the train had made a sudden jerk. He hadn't even realized that the train had already left the station. After a few moment, Severus opened his notebook and looked at his notes for potion ingredients.
Nothing unusual had occurred and nobody had bothered him. Doesn't mean that nobody tried. He head Black from a mile away. His booming voice calling for him, trying to lure him out. He did, eventually, find his compartment. He knocked on the door loudly, and tried to open it rather aggressively. Black was a lot smarter than he let on. Black recognized a spell was placed and had tried the basic counterspells, but none of them worked. He tried screaming again, calling him a cowards and other stupid things that Severus didn't really pay attention to. Eventually, Black left, and did not come back thankfully.
When the train had arrived at the station, Severus had gathered his things and made his way to the carriages. Severus watched as the first years were led away by the prefects, who were beckoning them off the platform and towards the lake. There were a lot of them with a nervous apprehension and many sticking close to friends that were recently made. It reminded him of when he and Lily had first arrived to Hogwarts.
Snapping out his thoughts, Snape arrived at the carriages and took one with a mixture of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Many of them had given him a surprise stare, but ignored him immediately when they realized he wasn't going to do anything. Severus kept to himself just fine and waited until they arrived at Hogwarts.
The ride was long and boring, but Severus was happy that they had finally arrived. Mcgonagall stood tall and proud in her traditional green robes and her eyes were hard as stones which demanded order and respect. Severus slightly bowed his head when passing and she offered a small smile before schooling her features to prepare for the first year arrival. All of them started to sit down, clinging to friends and talking about their summer days. Severus opted to sit at the very end, the seat nearest to the door. But before Severus could settle properly in his seat, a shadow loomed over.
"Well," began Malfoy," I have not seen you all day Severus. Surely, you would think it better to sit with me than all alone on the ride here?" Malfoy leaned closer and whispered in his ear, Severus suddenly found it very hard to breath."After all, this is the year where you take the mark."
Before Severus could utter a word, Malfoy had already walked away. Severus felt sick and his ear burned with disgust. Yet he remained seated. He couldn't cause a scene.
After the ceremony had ended and the food had been brought out, Severus fled. His encounter with Malfoy made him sick and he could not bare to sit near him, let alone eat. Severus had found himself outside and thought it would be best to stay. The fresh air was cold and crips, the beginning of fall was sure to come earlier than usual. Slowly, Severus made his way to the lake. Severus doesn't know how long he stayed out, but he made his way to the dungeons. But by the time that he arrived, he cursed himself for his stupidity since he didn't know the password and he be damned if he asked Malfoy for it. Luckily, a bunch of fifth years were leaving and he quickly slid in and made his way to the dormitories. As it is his last year at Hogwarts, him and his fellow classmates were all given the option of combined or seperate rooms. It was no surprised which one Severus picked, and was happy to find that there was a single bed in his given room. As Severus made his way in, he promptly spelled the door locked and had put several shields to protect the room from unwanted intruders. After a quick and thorough check of the room, Severus finally allowed himself to lay on his bed and fall asleep.
