Julian was sitting in his room, trying to finish an essay with a song stuck in his head, when he gave up, went over to his bed, took his iPod out, and started playing the song in his head.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
He went there, to that special place where nothing hurt and he was loved. To a place where no one could hurt him. To where he and Logan were together, and nothing and no one could make him think otherwise. This was a very dangerous place, but It was his.
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
God, how many times had he told Logan that someone would love him? How many times did he comfort him while his own heart broke? Too many to count. And yet each time he was so afraid that he had told Logan he loved him, like in his dreams. So after a while, he stopped. He didn't say those things anymore. Because he would never be his.
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
That rose, stupid rose. A symbolism of love. Lately it's been more like a sign of destruction rather than love. He felt himself leaving that special place, and he pulled himself back, trying not to cry, not to break down. He couldn't move to change the song, he couldn't move at all. He just lay there, listening.
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
He had made so many mistakes in his life, the worst was leaving Logan, and allowing that special boy to leave him. It was his fault. He wasn't brave. He was a coward. Logan had his heart, and had broken it.
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
He tried not to think that Logan was with those other boys, Joshua, Blaine, Kurt. He tried to ignore them, tried to even help. He succeeded in none. He only made things worse. It was all his fault.
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
He loved him. He loved him, and the only thing in his mind was the image of them together, forever. The scene where he gives his heart, all of his heart to the green eyed boy, was so special that he felt it breaking.
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.
He couldn't take it anymore, he started crying, tears slipping down his face, knees pulled up to his chest. He cried. Logan would never know.
