All That I'm Living For
Disclaimer: Inuyasha is not mine, so these characters are not mine.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter One
Rin combed her long hair, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She was seated in her room in Sesshomaru's castle, the room her Lord had given her when she was a young girl; it was across the hall from his own, his empty room. When she was as child she would enter his room late at night, sometimes out of fear of the darkness within her own room, and sometimes because she was lonely. The best times were the nights when they were away from the castle, when she knew he was watching her with his eyes as she slept; she felt safest then. But now, now she was too old to crawl into his bed and let him soothe her fears away. She was 18, not a little girl anymore, and while he had never said she could no longer come to him at night, she felt that it would be imprudent to do so anymore.
Her body had changed in the last few years, and she had begun to feel a tug in her chest and her stomach whenever her Lord was in the room. It was deep, instinctual, and she was afraid. She would find herself in his room, gently kneading his shoulders as he relaxed, leaning against her; or running her hands along his waist as she passed him in the halls. She couldn't seem to keep her hands to herself in her Lord's presence. But he never said anything, just looked at her with his amber eyes, his face neither smiling nor frowning.
She had crossed the line last night. They were in his room and she was combing his long, silver locks. She was humming a nameless tune, enjoying the feel of his silky hair and the gentle pressure of his body as he leaned against her. She was brushing the hair at the nape of his neck, exposing the smooth flesh to the night air; the small hairs on his neck stood up as the wind gently blew through the room. She leaned over and kissed his neck softly, tasting him with her tongue.
"Rin," he said, voice low and deep. His hand touched her head.
She kept her lips pressed to his neck, closing her eyes.
"Rin," he said again.
She pulled away from him, embarrassed. "I'm sorry, my Lord."
He said nothing.
She finished her brushing and left the room, tears springing to her eyes. What had she been thinking? Nothing, that's what. She just leaned over and kissed him, as if it were the most natural thing for her to do. And it felt natural, felt right, but she must have offended him because he left this morning without saying a word to her—or to Master Jaken—and he still had not returned. He despised humans and she had kissed him; he must despise her now. How dare she lay a finger on him, and on his neck no less!
But he let you, her mind whispered. He didn't yell at you, didn't push you away. He let her brush his hair, let her be in his presence when he was unarmed—though not defenseless. If he had truly despised her, he would have thrown her out of the room, banished her from his presence.
She closed her eyes as tears slipped down her cheeks. Would she ever be more than just his ward? Would she ever be more than just a little girl in his eyes? Would he ever see her as more than just a weak human who followed and adored him? Would he ever see her love? Could he return it?
Rin stood, slamming her brush onto her vanity. "Argh!"
Conflicting thoughts and emotions swam through her mind. He made all the show of love, but he despised humans; he let her come near, exposing his weakness before her, but he never did anything, never touched her. He never initiated anything. She knew somewhere in that demon heart laid passion, but he just let things wash by him, letting her flounder in her unrequited love.
She couldn't face him anymore, she couldn't live here and watch him, couldn't stop herself from touching him and trying to persuade him to love her. He never had any other women at the castle except the servants, but she was horrified at the thought that one day he would take a mate and she would be here to watch them, watch him love his mate as he could never love her, his little ward. "I can't," she whispered.
She got up and packed a bag; she needed to get out of here.
"Where are you going?" Jaken called after she passed by him, her bow and arrows slung over her shoulder and a bag in her hand.
"To see Lady Kagome," she said, not stopping.
"But Lord Sesshomaru-"
"Is not here and would not have stopped me anyway." She grabbed Ah-Un's reins.
"But Lord Sesshomaru-"
"Au-Un will be with me; I'll be fine." She climbed onto his back and left.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rin landed at the edge of Kaede's village. She hadn't been here since her Lord had left the priestess with his half-brother, since Inuyasha had declared his preference for Kagome. It hadn't changed much. The sun was just peeking over the mountains and trees, casting its light on the sleeping village. She got off Ah-Un and let the two-headed dragon graze in the field as she walked to the village.
"Mommy! Mommy!" a small voice cried. "There's a strange lady walking into the village."
Rin narrowed her eyes and looked in the direction of the voice but saw no one. As she neared Kaede's hut she heard a voice whisper, "Izayoi, shh! You'll wake everyone."
"Too late," she heard the hanyou say. He stepped out of the hut. "Rin."
"Inuyasha," she replied, bowing.
"Rin?" Kagome said, stepping out into the cool morning air. Her stomach was a bit distended; she was a few months pregnant. "Rin!" she said, opening her arms and running to her.
Rin hugged her back, mildly uncomfortable.
"Look at you: all grown up," Kagome said, stepping back and looking at Rin from head-to-toe.
"And you have children."
Kagome smiled. "Izayoi, come meet Lady Rin, your uncle's Lady."
Rin flinched at the title. A little girl came out of the hut shyly, her black hair long and her human ears pointy. "Hi," she said, displaying her small fangs. She bowed, her small hands in front of her, the nails long and sharp.
Rin bowed. "Hi, Lady Izayoi."
Izayoi giggled and ran to her mother, who picked her up and nuzzled the girl. "She's named after Inuyasha's mother."
Rin smiled.
"Come inside," Kagome said, walking back into the hut.
"Where's my brother?" Inuyasha said as he fell into step next to Rin.
"I don't know."
He arched an eyebrow at her. "How can you not know?"
Rin flinched. "He doesn't tell me everything, you know."
Inuyasha snorted.
"Why does everyone think we have something great and magical between us?" she said as they entered the hut. "He is my Lord and I am his ward."
"Come now, Rin," Kagome said, putting Izayoi down. "We all know that Sesshomaru holds a special place in his heart for you."
"Yeah, right," she muttered. She put her things down and sat down, her face in her hands.
"Okay, we'll talk about something else. Why are you here?" Kagome said, making a fire and boiling water.
"I needed to get out. Master Jaken was driving me insane," she lied.
Inuyasha grinned. "The green imp still follows Sesshomaru around then?"
Rin nodded. "I swear he gets more annoying everyday."
Kagome laughed. "Did you eat?"
Rin's stomach rumbled in response.
"We have some Ramen; I was planning on getting supplies today." Kagome grabbed an unopened package of Ramen. She broke it up, still in the package, and then deposited it into a pot. She stirred.
"What are you doing?" Rin said.
Kagome looked up, her facing turning red. "Oh, yeah, you don't know."
"Know what?"
"Um, well-"
"Kagome comes from the future," Inuyasha said.
"What?" Rin said, unable to believe her ears were hearing right.
"Kagome came through the bone-eaters well, 500 years in the future. She was born 500 years from now, carrying the shikon jewel within her body. The jewel made it possible for her to travel between her time and now, but now she doesn't need it."
"Why not?"
Inuyasha shrugged. "When the jewel was purified we thought she would never be able to go back. But, she jumped in the well and she was still able to pass through."
"So that is from the future?" Rin said, pointing at the contents of the pot.
Kagome nodded, grabbing a bowl and giving Rin the noodles. Rin looked at it warily, but slurped some down anyway; it would be rude to refuse. "It's good," she said, surprised.
Kagome grinned. "It's not bad; one of Inuyasha's favorites."
Rin finished the noodles and gave the bowl to Kagome. Kagome put it aside to be washed later.
"Are you really Uncle Sesshomaru's Lady?" Izayoi said, peeking at Rin from behind Kagome's legs.
Rin smiled. "Well, little Izayoi, it's a bit more complicated than that."
"What do you mean?" she said, cautiously stepping out from behind Kagome.
"Well," Rin said, beckoning to the girl. Izayoi walked shyly to Rin and sat on her lap. Rin bounced her a little, trying to calm the girl's fears. "How old are you?"
Izayoi held up four fingers.
"When I was twice your age, Lord Sesshomaru saved me."
"From what?"
Rin looked at Kagome and Inuyasha. Kagome nodded, urging her on.
"From wolves."
"Like Kouga?"
Rin nodded. "Just wolves. Not demons, but part of the demon-wolf tribe." In fact, part of Kouga's tribe, Rin thought.
"How did he save you?" Izayoi put a thumb in her mouth.
"He brought me back to life."
"You died?" Her eyes were wide.
Rin nodded. "Lord Sesshomaru carries a special sword called the Tenseiga, which can bring people back from the dead."
"Oh, Daddy told me about that one, but I didn't believe him." Izayoi grabbed Rin's yukata, clenching the fabric between her finger's absently.
"Well, your Daddy was right."
Izayoi sat for a few minutes, thinking. Then she said, "Uncle Sesshomaru must really love you."
Rin laughed. "Why would you say that?"
"Well, Daddy said he hates humans, but he brought you back to life and he let's you follow him around; he must really love you because he doesn't care that you're human," Izayoi said seriously.
"Izayoi, come; leave Lady Rin alone. It's time for school," Kagome said.
Izayoi groaned. "Do I have to go?"
Kagome looked at her watch. "Yes, now let's go before you're late."
"But-"
"No 'if,' 'ands,' or 'buts,' young lady; Lady Rin will be here when you get home," Kagome said, her hands on her hips.
Izayoi got up and dragged herself over to her school bag, picking it up with a groan. Kagome ushered her out of the house.
"Isn't it a little early for school?" Rin said when they left.
Inuyasha was looking at the door where Kagome and Izayoi had exited. "Kagome insisted on having Izayoi go to school in her time."
"What?"
He shrugged. "She thought it would be important for Izayoi to know both worlds."
"Isn't it dangerous?" Rin said.
Inuyasha shook his head. "Kagome's time is a lot safer—demon-wise. Other evils, though, no."
"What happens if something-"
He shook his head. "Kagome stays in her time while Izayoi is at school. If something happens, she'll get me if she can't handle it herself."
"Isn't she a little young?"
He shrugged. "Kagome is sending her to some school for gifted-children. I don't know how it works, I just know they come home after lunch."
"Oh."
"You should get some sleep. It's far from Sesshomaru's to here," he said getting up. "You can stay here with us. Kagome has some extra blankets in the closet." He pointed at the cupboard and left the hut.
Rin sighed. She hadn't expected Kagome and Inuyasha to have children—well one child and another on the way. Her heart hurt a little; she would never have a child with Lord Sesshomaru, let alone with anyone else. She hated humans and would never let a human touch her, especially there. She felt the tears, hot and new, trying to fall from her eyes. No, she wouldn't be weak; she wouldn't cry about things that were immovable.
She lay down, wrapped in one of Kagome's blankets, and slept.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
R & R.
Sequel to Weight of the World. SessRin.
Fishing for reviews. Next chapter is ready.
