A/N: So, Shannon and I decided before the new year that we would do a sequel to "Edge of Loneliness." We've finally gotten around to the first chapter. This is it...so if you haven't read the first story, you'll be lost by this one. You should go read "Edge of Loneliness" first. This story answers a few questions we left open before, and will be a little longer than the last fiction. There is an angst undertone in later chapters, and also some drama...though we've made sure to retain the fluffiness and Shiz/Nat dynamic from the first story. We hope you enjoy the first chapter!
Don't own the anime or the video game depicted in this fan fiction.
Frame of the Future, Part 1
Her voice was a soft drone as she read the words on the page aloud. The thick book perched in her lap. It was something of taboo, she felt uneasy, reading the thoughts and impressions of a woman now long gone. Still, it was with Natsuki's loving support, that Shizuru had muddled through a few select pages thus far. Some of them were dark and gritty, others seemed to impart wisdom among poetic lines and phrases...a good number of them had even been scribbled in drunken stupor, those ones above and beyond the call of haphazard.
The current passage fell from her lips easily, and perhaps struck home a little more than had ever been intended by Natsuki's mother, the woman who had put pen to this paper.
Flicker...like a moth to a flame. Light the candle, so that you can be happy. Stand up, so that you no longer have to sit down in the pit of nothingness. Like a tiny light of hope, cradle it within your hands, and send a prayer...because if you do, you just might find something...waiting for you alone. Someone, breathtaking...within the eyes of the person who understands...but listen well, my child...you can not do that alone. Just like the dripping tears of redemption, so too, comes a path of hardships, and a road that can not simply be shrugged away.
You must stand...you must fight...you must yield...you must fall.
In doing so, you will find solace. You will find the weight upon your soul lifted, and the burdens of your past will be swept away. You will stand tall, gazing out at everything, and nothing. The void of your own heart endless, the vastness a sight to behold, and to be understood. So, reach out, and find what you will...stand up against the tides...if you do this, you will prevail. You will become strong.
It may seem inconsequential. Pointless, to try to understand such a dreary void as one's own self...however, that truth becomes even more so, when you've let yourself become tainted with preconceived notions, and hateful slander about the world, one that many choose to hate. It's idealistic, and perhaps, purgatory would be the best place for a soul filled with ideals such as those. Perhaps, my child, you will grow to hate me, and my work...I fear you may never comprehend the reasons behind it...or that, if you did, you'd fail to see the world around you for what it is, or possibly, what it has the potential to be.
That is no life to live.
The rest of the page had been ripped off. There was nothing else in the book, this one, the final entry. It seemed as though no matter how many times the book had been opened, this page had never been fully appreciated. Perhaps it was because that page spoke of finality. An ending to a woman who did so much, strove so far in her life. She was the epitome of a single mother, so much so, that there were many passages about day to day life with a baby. This was not the first diary, but instead, the last. It was the one Natsuki treasured most, one that within the pit of her memories, she could recall her mother putting the pen to paper.
Natsuki found herself unable to be saddened by the words, instead, there were many nights in her youth, when instead she'd clung onto them, feeling as if there were no other hope. Very recently, she'd begin to allow Shizuru to read the pages that Natsuki held so close to her heart. "She was in an accident, they got her out of the car, but by then it was pretty much a lost cause. I was in the hospital for nearly a year after that, and mom never came out. She would write though, every night...in fact that page was the last one in this book, because she actually had another one...but, I never opened that one."
"Why not?" The question fell upon the air, and felt like a brick.
Shizuru's eyes landed on the open robe Natsuki had on, with nothing underneath it, the silky smooth skin within both tantalizing, and marred by life's difficulties. It was not what Shizuru was looking for though, as her eyes trailed lower, watching as the young woman curled her toes around the bedsheets. It was something Natsuki did when she was thinking deeply, or found herself incredibility aroused. It was the former this time, and the way Natsuki tilted her head, was both beautifully sensuous, and yet, completely vulnerable. It was a side of her so few got to see, completely womanly, and not without her own insecurities that played across her features freely in the privacy of their bedroom.
Finally, in a whisper she spoke.
"My mom liked to write about anything that came to mind...and that last diary is about her final days alive. A family friend of ours wrote them for her, by that time, she was so weak she couldn't write, so she just dictated." Natsuki's words were soft then, but not entirely sad. "I don't want to read it. I don't want to know what was going through her mind...knowing that no matter what she did, the damage she took in the crash wasn't going to be repaired. She went through eight surgeries you know...it was because of her job, and how well known she was, that I always got to see her before she got really bad. Sometimes, they'd even take my bed up from the kid's ward and let me sleep there with her...if I didn't have rehab the next day."
"Your mother was amazing, Natsuki." Shizuru said, her fingers tracing over the words etched in rich history. "Honestly, I never thought someone so devoted to her studies, could be so eloquent...her diary, it's quite beautiful." Filled with advise, things that made so much sense, that it became an inspiration. Perhaps, she assumed, it would prove so inspirational, that she herself should begin to write down her own wisdom to pass onward, just as Natsuki's mother had done. "It really makes a person wonder just how many things she didn't write, but might have thought about."
"You say that like it's some huge mystery, but my mom was always like that." Natsuki said softly, with a cup of warm tea at her side. "She always said some of the oddest things. I guess I just got used to it...only just recently have I actually begun to understand her words. Even so, it's kinda funny...each and every passage she wrote down, she seemed to do it with me in mind. There's nothing about my dad in there at all...or my family." She knew she had to get dressed, her afternoon nap lasting longer than it should have. "I'm kinda pissed that you never had the chance to meet her, I bet she would have liked you...she would have said something about keeping Nao and I out of trouble, and would have spoiled the hell outta Alyssa every chance she got."
"Are you sure she would have liked me?" Shizuru continued to admire the leather bound book.
"Are you kidding? She would have, trust me." It was the only one that Natsuki kept tightly wrapped, safe and hidden in the top drawer of her nightstand...still, there were occasions when she's pull out the thick, brown book. She'd read yellowing pages, and with great care, she would run her fingers along the beaten, warn out lines of the letters. "My mom was always saying the only thing she ever wanted, was for me to be happy...you make me happy, and she would know that." Her fingers slipped over Shizuru's for a moment, locking them, and peering down in a slight little blush. "I was always off by myself when I was little, and so she always told me that. I think, she always knew I would be at least a little different." She stood up to get dressed then, the actions forced, she really hadn't wanted to leave the warm embrace they'd been sharing on the bed.
Shizuru rarely saw Natsuki linger over the book, but she knew it happened often...right around the time Natsuki lost her mother. Every year, around the time, Natsuki got quiet, and calm...at least, that's what Nao and Mai said. "You were a lonely little girl, weren't you?" Last year, around this time, Natsuki was the same.
Natsuki paused at the question, her fingers grasping into the hem of her jeans just a little more than she needed to do before shaking her head. "At times, I guess." It was so like Shizuru to think about something like that, to worry about her well being in a way no one else would. "I never really thought about it, normally it hurt to much to try." Natsuki said then, her eyes falling upon the laughter outside. The voices belonged to many, but only one voice was that of a little girl. "Don't you think it's kinda weird? Alyssa never really talks about school, and my friends are the only people she asks about...doesn't she have anyone her own age, Shizuru?"
"Alyssa is a wallflower...she's happy to be that way." It was the dismissive truth, but even so, it was the only answer Shizuru had. "Unless she herself takes issue with it, I find there isn't really any reason to intervene." Nine years old...the blond was a growing girl, but, she was still just as shy as ever, especially around kids her own age. "Her teachers say she's a joy to have in class, but that she's quiet. Apparently, it's hard to get her to work with the other students, and she'd rather do big projects on her own."
"She's a smart kid." Natsuki shrugged as she pulled on her shirt, looking out of her window, watching the festivities of throwing leaves back and forth. "But, Mai and Nao aren't going to be around forever. One day, when Takumi is completely better, Mai will begin to do things for herself. Who really knows when Nao will finally find her own place to be...but once she does, I can almost guarantee it won't be here." Natsuki took a sip of the warm tea she was holding before setting it back down and stretching. "This is all very fragile, and one day, it will break...and it should."
"I'm not sure I understand, Natsuki." Shizuru said slowly, closing the book, and walking to the window. With a hesitant hand, she touched Natsuki's shoulder, and with that simple gesture, Natsuki pulled Shizuru closer, her arm around the other woman. "They look like they're having a good time, don't they?" Nao was in the process of stuffing a handful of the colorful foliage down the front of Mai's shirt, the busty girl shrieking in response, trying to rid herself of the offending hand.
"We built an impenetrable wall growing up, because we had to. We didn't have any other choice back then...no way to really deal with our problems...so we didn't. The thing is though, is one day, Nao will let go of the fact her mother will never wake up...when she does, she'll have to find something else to consume her time. She'll have to find her own place in this world, and Mai...she's closer to that point than Nao and I want to admit." Natsuki smiled softly, as such a thing was not only expected, it was welcomed. "Alyssa needs people, Shizuru...friends who will carry her, like Mai and Nao carried me. Sure, we can say that she doesn't...that we can fill the voids...but there's a place for everyone...and Mai and Nao belong in a different place for Alyssa...at a different time, and perspective."
"You've been thinking about that a lot, haven't you?" Shizuru asked then, her words gentle like the breeze outside.
"More than I wanted, when I first started thinking about it." Still, it was a truth that rang far and wide. "Mai and Nao will always be around somehow, I know that...but it won't be the same as today, or tomorrow." Her eyes fell to the deep colored liquid in her cup, watching as the steam escaped from it. "When that time comes, who will Alyssa have by her side? Who will carry her when we can't? She is reaching the age that she'll begin to cling onto everything she's ever known, while being ripped away from the childhood she thought would last forever. What friends will she have for that?"
Shizuru nodded, often feeling the same, but didn't say anything as the alarm on Natsuki's phone beeped it's little tune. "I have class tonight." Natsuki sighed then, her school books were already packed and ready to go. "It's my late night tonight, are you sure you don't want them to stay around? Mai's got the day off, and Nao skips our science class anyway."
"We'll be fine, Natsuki." Shizuru said softly. "We always are, you know."
"Yeah, yeah. I still worry though." Natsuki looked down at her sleeveless black shirt and comfortably baggy jeans, ones that just happened to have a hole in one of the knees. "It isn't dress code, but at least I won't piss everyone off by taking the bike today. Think I'll walk." The truth was, Natsuki hadn't received her permit to park on campus yet, and with limited spaces, she didn't want to get in trouble like she had on the first week of class. "I'll be back later."
"Stay safe." Shizuru said then, giving Natsuki a lingering kiss before letting the shorter woman leave, before she did end up being late. Idly, she heard Natsuki bellow in Nao's general direction...but true to form, Nao had stuck up a middle finger towards the house, likely aimed at Natsuki. Shizuru shook her head, the knowledge of just who Alyssa spent her time with hadn't been lost on her. Mai was a wonderful influence, Nao...well, she was the bane of every moral, rule, and courtesy one could fathom. Natsuki wasn't exactly the best role model either, and a very haphazard person during the best of times.
Try though she might to quell some of the inappropriateness that seemed to slip freely from their mouths, it was a failing endeavor. Shizuru had finally, though not willingly, accepted that Natsuki and Nao would forever cuss up a storm, and Alyssa would forever be around it. It would be apart of daily life, and it would be inevitable when she had to answer many odd questions as a result. Sooner rather than later seemed to be the motto.
Some battles simply weren't worth fighting about. There was also some good to it, Shizuru assumed, that while Nao and Natsuki weren't exactly the most well rounded people Alyssa could model herself after, Shizuru knew first hand there were far worse outside of the household. Behind all of Nao's brazen actions and uncouth words, lay a very protective and motivated young woman...who, if Shizuru were honest, had taken a liking to Alyssa nearly instantly. At first, the young blond was likely simply a tool for harassing Natsuki, but somewhere along the line, Shizuru knew it had changed. If anything, Alyssa would have an army backing her up in her life, and Nao would be one of the people leading the pack.
Sometimes, Shizuru found herself pondering if that was really such a good thing or not...Nao and Natsuki were not exactly known for speaking calmly, or rationally around each other.
Natsuki was right though, things would eventually change among their little group. It couldn't stay that way forever, no matter how perfect it seemed. It was with that logic, that Shizuru returned back to her own reading...a trashy romance novel she'd been meaning to finish, but simply hadn't had the time. The house phone rang twice...both of them telemarketers, and within what seemed only an hour, Shizuru had found herself for not the first time letting her mind wander from the pages in front of her, to the coloring sky outside...somewhere along the lines, outside laughter had changed to inside laughter, and with that came sounds of video game violence blaring across the television in the common area of the house, by the sounds of it, it was something Alyssa shouldn't be partaking in, but again, Shizuru dismissed it.
She, herself had been exposed to far worse as a child after all...if a few zombies were the worst Alyssa saw at the end of the day, on an outdated game system no less, then it was all fine and dandy. The smell of hot chocolate wafted through the house, and also, Mai's noodles, the promised dinner of the evening. It would be well past nightfall before Natsuki got home, and while Shizuru was pleased to let Alyssa have her fun, she knew homework was still in order. There was something routine settling over Shizuru, and while that was a comfort in and of itself, she had to wonder what life would be like if she was just a little younger.
After a little over a year of being in love, there was an unsettling aura around her. Natsuki was still young, and full of spunk, especially around her friends and Alyssa. Mai had grown in leaps and bounds, all because of her brother. She was the responsible one...still, she didn't have the age, or perspective that Shizuru had...
Age...
That's what bugged her, though she didn't dare say anything about it.
…
(Shizuru POV)
I'm twenty-nine years old, and Natsuki is nineteen. I'm ten years her senior. I don't think Natsuki's taken much notice to that fact, or, if she has, she clearly hasn't said anything about being concerned by it. The thing is, like every little thing Natsuki does, she does it without thinking about it. If, however, a problem seems to arise, Natsuki becomes consumed by her mind, and inadvertently, the places it takes her. That why we all prefer when Natsuki's mind is clear. Trust me when I say she does many things...reckless things, when she's unable to clear her thoughts, or ebb particular emotions...There are times, I know, that in the dead of night she won't wake me up, even though I feel her stirring next to me.
In utter terror, she'll lay frozen after waking up from a dream...a haunted memory...and she'll go about her day like it never happened.
Natsuki's got a stubborn streak...and a strong sense of pride. So strong in fact, she finds it difficult to say things sometimes, and we've both built a relationship based on feelings, thoughts, and wishes left unsaid. How we managed to do that, I'm not quite sure, but we did. I've never tried to question it. However, some have called it an oddity, and, I'd have to agree. Natsuki has only just begun to talk to me about the deeper subjects in her mind, and even when she does, I find it sporadic at best. She'd rather focus on others than herself. That's fine with me, honestly.
Though, the truth is, ten years isn't just a short time.
It's not just a drop in the bucket, or a moment ticking on the clock. It's a very precious thing many take for granted. For a woman, that holds an even deeper truth. A man never withers away, so long as he can keep himself in good shape, but a woman's time for precious things are limited, and, when you get to be my age, you begin to notice. While you may have ten or twenty more years ahead of you before that happens, that's time you shouldn't waste. Who knows after all, how long it will be? Who has an exact day?
The answer is that we don't.
So, due to questions we will never have answers for, we women do our best with what time we have. We strive to make our way in a world dominated by men, while, having the joys a woman should have...sadly though, the new age isn't so new...and quickly gender roles will fall into place, purely by the facts of nature. A man is to be with a woman...that's what we're taught...notice quickly, however, we've begun to damn such a rule into hell, thankfully, but with every step forward, evolutions seems fit in staying behind.
Women still need men, men still need women, and, until evolution or science takes a forward leap beyond reasonable measure, that won't ever change. Surely we have ways to get around sleeping with the opposite sex, but that doesn't mean it's affordable, or easy to come by.
As a woman, I'm in my prime, this would be the opportune time to raise a few more children...they say sex is better after thirty, but I can tell you as time goes on, any sex is still better sex than the years before...generally, by that time, you at least understand what you like, and what you don't...either way, it doesn't last forever.
Sooner or later, menopause will strike...and with it, will come the answers that a good number of people find shame in. I won't, it's a simple fact of life...but, ten years, when compared to life like that...it's a gap very few would dare to reach across. Alyssa is nine, another example of how life, and time, seem to get away from you. At one day old...until about three years, it's more noticeable, each month is a huge leap in and of itself...but then, time slows a bit, and the child gets to be a child...but still, in the back of your mind, you're trying to reason with the fact that your baby, well, she isn't a baby anymore.
Where does the time go?
That's why I worry. For some people, it may seem meaningless...and Natsuki is happy not to be bothered by it...but I can't just shrug it off...not when I've seen the significance of such realities. I'm happy with mundane routine, and so is Natsuki...I guess, I was just more free spirited at her age. She's rational, and generally, very leveled headed. Underneath the tough front, there's a very fragile soul that cares deeply for the world around it. You'd never guess just by looking at her, and if you happened to get on her bad side, you would never think of her to be anything beyond hot tempered...but the truth is, Natsuki is very much a young woman.
While Natsuki would never admit this, she comes along with all of the insecurities one might expect, and a few more that are unexpected, but understandable.
Does the idea of our difference bug her? Does it worry her? Even if she's never said anything, it doesn't mean she's not afraid of it, Natsuki and I both keep many burdens bottled inside. It just works that way, and we've no need to change it. I'm worried though, I'm worried I may end up hurting her down the line, when I can't give her something she may want, and we may not be able to afford the means to do so. She treats Alyssa as her own, and that's a gift beyond measure, but, for Natsuki, will it be enough?
If it isn't, will she tell me?
That isn't on her mind right now, and I honestly wonder if it ever will be. Still, there are days, like today, when she'll make a comment here or there, about Mai and Nao not being around as much, or, that one day they'll move on. She'll say that they're beginning to become the people they should be. She speaks as if she's waiting for the day when Nao doesn't try to barge into the house at whim, and when Mai finds time for herself. She's waiting for the family she had, the protection they built, to finally fall apart. She's worried about Alyssa, because when it finally does happen, Alyssa will see the change.
Natsuki's protective, they all are...so I'm not nearly as worried about that as Natsuki is...but change is on the wind...and I'm not quite sure what to think about it.
…
"I've gotta go home and study." Mai frowned when Alyssa clung onto her even more than before. "I've got a test, you wouldn't want me to fail it, would you?"
"But you're really good at cooking, so that one shouldn't be a problem." Alyssa returned, trying to convince Mai to stay for a little while longer.
"It's not my cooking class I'm worried about." Mai shook her head, it was always so hard to go home, for a number of reasons. "It's my history test...our teacher is crazy about it, and if I fail the test, she'll load me up on so much work, you could go swimming in it." Alyssa was one of them.
"You think that's a bad thing?" Alyssa said then.
"Yeah, it's bad...unless you want to get paper cuts all over the place." Nao returned, though her eyes never left the screen. "Come on, we can blast away some brains without Mai. Plus, you and I both know she'll be back strutting around here tomorrow." After she jammed her thumb on the pause button, she held up the thick strategy guide. "I need someone to read to me what I do next, I wanna fully clear this game with a perfect score, and I'll need help if I wanna do that, so you gonna help me Squirt? Or are you going to make me wait until the mutt gets home?"
Alyssa had grown a love for spending time with Mai and Nao...but as her big blue eyes looked up at Mai, she could feel herself losing the battle. "You will be back tomorrow, right?"
"In the morning before you go to school." Mai nodded. "I need to ride with Natsuki anyway, since I'll be carrying my uniform for cooking class."
"Do you promise?" Alyssa's question was the last of her resolve.
"If she isn't, I'll put leaves in her panties next time." Nao grumbled, tapping idly on the guide book. "So come on Squirt, get over here and help me." She winked at Mai before shoving more chips into her mouth, and returning to their game.
Shizuru watched everything from afar, her eyes on Alyssa's homework even though she'd been listening in on everything she'd been hearing. She didn't mind the staying up late anymore, as long as Alyssa followed two very important rules. She couldn't be crabby the next day, and she had to have exemplary marks in school...or, when it came to the subject she struggled in, social studies, at least be passing...something that was a feat on many occasions. With math and spelling homework done, there wasn't anything else to do but look over the maps Alyssa had been forced to mark and color in. She shook her head, knowing her daughter was likely going to get more of the mundane work tomorrow.
Shooting and other noises came across the screen, and she disregarded it until something burst through the window, causing both Nao, and Alyssa to scream. "Oh my..." The large monster began to chase the character down the hall, and the entire time, Nao had her hands in a bare knuckle grip. "Please tell me that you won't get nightmares from this?" Shizuru couldn't believe her eyes, and partly wished she hadn't looked at the television.
"Oh him, his just a pixel...or at least that's what Papa says. Pixels can't hurt people, even when we dream about them." Alyssa said, though her eyes were still glued to the screen. "That's Nemesis. He's not hard to fight, I saw him before when Papa was playing. We got the card key off of some guy at the front of the station."
"You can tell her about that later." Nao cut in. "What's the code for the locker. I need to get the thing inside." They both scanned through the book.
"I think that's the random one isn't it?" Alyssa had begun to love the series known as Bio Hazard, and even though she hadn't quite grasped the entire concept, the idea of figuring out the puzzles, and watching Natsuki and Nao play was something she took a joy in, mostly because they included her fully, and allowed her to be apart of the group. It was like that whenever they played games..but horror types were their favorite. "Or is that the one we scribbled on the piece of paper?"
"Hell if I know." Nao muttered, grabbing the paper they kept for things like this, they couldn't count the times they'd jot down in game information. "Look at this and tell me if we put it on there someplace."
"Zero, five, one, three." Alyssa said. "I think that's what we need."
"Score." Nao chuckled darkly. "Now lets the the hell out of the station before the freak skewers us." Nao handed Alyssa the controller after she paused the game.
"He does what?" Shizuru looked up from Alyssa's homework again, looking at Nao with a glare in her eyes.
Nao ignored the question for a moment. "Take us to where that safe room was before we went into the station, and put everything in the box that we know we don't need. We don't want the run back to take up more game time." Alyssa nodded proceeding to do as she was told with vigor while Nao just shrugged at the fawn haired woman who was now looking displeased. "Anyway Shizuru, the dude that was on screen is the main bad guy of this game...he's not all that scary, he mostly just jumps out for a few thrills here and there. The squirt isn't afraid of him, and wasn't at all afraid of the last two games."
"That's because they aren't real." Alyssa interjected. "The one game that uses those little disks...those are scary though...I don't like those ones."
"Well, I can understand why. Those ones look real." Nao answered the unspoken question in Shizuru's eyes. "We don't play the remake, or the prequel around the Squirt...when she's around, we stick to these."
Shizuru just shook her head and sighed. She would never understand the allure of these games, or the fact that Alyssa was actually interested in them, but Shizuru knew this wasn't the first time she'd been around the series. Reito had played the first game often, and though he would never admit it, she knew him well enough to know, he was very lax about what Alyssa was exposed around. "Either way, Alyssa, ten more minuets and I want you laying down someplace, be it the sofa, or your bed, you shall be laying down, alright?"
"Yep." It was a soft little chirp, but it was contented and obedient, and that was all Shizuru cared about.
…
(Natsuki POV)
Life is good...busy as hell...but good.
It's almost midnight, but that's the joy of taking night classes. Shizuru and I have our schedule worked out so that one of us is home for Alyssa at all times. It gets a bit nuts, and my classes are different dependent on the day. Mondays, sadly, are my longest days starting in late afternoon and carrying on until late night, then I also have an online course I take, but I normally do that up at quad, mostly so I can concentrate...something nearly impossible to do in my own home. Fridays are my shortest days, and that's a god send.
I don't like leaving Shizuru by herself though.
I know she can take care of herself, that's not the problem...I just like to worry, because I want to make sure she doesn't ever need anything, I want her to feel as safe as humanly possible. My house is normally so dark I can't see whenever I come home on a Monday night, but, as soon as I hit the door, I can already tell the television is on...and someone fell asleep. The fact that my games are strewn across the carpet lets me know Nao outstayed her welcome, and probably kept Alyssa up half the night.
The kid is on the floor, meaning she also fell asleep in Nao's lap.
Alyssa likes to do that...she stays up late with us, and then just sort of falls asleep wherever she just happens to be. Sometimes it's the sofa, other times she'll curl up in the recliner...either way, those two spots aren't ideal if she's actually trying to watch us...especially if it's Nao, who tends to make herself into as human door half the time. I grew up like that, so I really don't care if Alyssa grows up like that. Mai, Nao and I turned out fine after all...the floor isn't so bad, and among friends, it's warmer than any cold bed could ever be.
Although, now that her human pillow has buggered off for the night, and the movie Nao had turned on for noise is over with, Alyssa really should be carried upstairs and put into bed. You know, if this were a few months back, if I were still in high school, I'd probably just leave her there, but I've gotten pretty good at this whole parent thing...not as good as Shizuru, and Alyssa knows better than to ask me to cook anything that isn't microwavable, but I know my way around the basics. If I don't know what I'm doing, I look dumfounded in Shizuru's general direction, or failing that, I look at Mai, and normally I can figure my way around things somehow.
This life is starting to become second nature to me, I like that part the best.
It seems right, something my life has never exactly felt before. I mean, there were good times and bad mixed in before, but it was always like I was apart of some big plan. No matter what I did, I just didn't fit. Now, I just don't have the problem, it went away without my noticing, and that feeling hasn't ever come back. I'm thankful...happy, now that I don't have the weight on my shoulders, because believe it or not, that feeling of things just not being right...of being off somehow...I hated it, and there were days I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore.
So, the simple pleasure of having a life that just works...its really cool.
When you step back, and realize that you can't always control the world around you, you begin to accept the calm and peaceful reality that shit will eventually hit the fan. When it does, you can ride the ride, wait out the storm...or you can fall on your ass and give up...but either way, the storm will come and go. The pain and damage may not go away, and sometimes that's a sickening truth...but when you just nod your head, take a breath, even if all you breath in is smog, you can at least say you did better than you thought you would...
Because lets face it, when people get to those low points, we normally lose faith...so, to not have faith, and do better than you thought...at least it adds up.
Eventually, you can turn around, and see everything you've done, how much of a climb you made...and maybe you haven't reached the top of the summit...but, the fact you climbed at all counts for something...that's how my mom used to look at things. She made herself very proud of each tiny accomplishment, and generally, she took more pride in those, rather than in the awards she won. Her theory wasn't that you should aim for the top, or the highest goal, but that you should wake up every morning, and survive the day, and even if you took a step backwards, it's easier to regain one step, than it is to climb a mountain.
I still don't know if I want to go into the aeronautic program, but that's a question for another day. For now, I'm just content to hold Shizuru in my arms as she sleeps, knowing, in less than seven hours, we're going to be pounced on by an excited nine year old, as our home is invaded by the normal ruckus...and life, for yet another day, will go on just as it should.
