Now I've had this idea swirling about in my brain for a while now and decided I was going to ATTEMPT to turn it into a story, no idea how well I'm going to do at this, but hey, here's to trying ^_^
WARNING: Knowing me, (If I am successful) this will probably get pretty dark and definitely smutty, so if you prefer to keep your paws off triggers, like depression, suicide and self harm, probably best to turn back now. If it doesn't progress that way, (or at all) I'll remove this, but until then, step carefully my darlings.
HAPPY KLAROWEEK!
"Now I'll take the blame, so forget my name.
Just close the blinds, so I can come down.
I'm naked and shamed, moth to the flame.
Just take my hand
So we can both drown.
The same sweet game, your halo is aflame
Feel my heart race
And breathe a sad sigh
Let me wash away, and let go of the pain
Just look away, and turn a blind eye
I'll never believe in you again,
I'll never forgive those things you said
My only relief is gone and dead
I'll never forsake myself again
So hold me down
If I feed I'm stronger
I don't feel no longer"
Life had turned into a self-conscious teenager's gym class.
Not to be enjoyed, just endured.
And For someone who had spent so long naturally optimistic, experiencing the opposite side of the coin was a foreign agony so unfamiliar and endless, she praised herself for remaining oblivious for so long.
She couldn't remember what it was like to take a breath and feel anything but an aching emptiness in her chest.
There was no satisfaction,
No relief.
Just pain.
She couldn't remember what it was like to have a purpose worth leaving this room. Couldn't remember the trick to sustaining her 'delusional optimism'.
Lately, she couldn't even understand her own head.
But she knew, the last thing she needed, was to have her... unsavory state aired around town like everyone else's inadequacies.
Never let it be said, that you'll find peace in small towns.
So taking a deep breath, that delivered nothing but shards of glass, she plastered on a smile and forced herself too, however aimlessly, leave the freedom and the safety only her room offered.
"Liar" Her mind whispered. "He offered it."
She shut that thought down with every ounce of control she possessed. The past didn't matter. He didn't matter. Not now. Not anymore.
No. If she was going to survive whatever was going on in her head, she'd have to rely on herself, on her own strength, her own willpower.
The trouble was, even Miss Caroline Forbes couldn't convince herself she had the will to survive it.
As Caroline headed for the Salvatore boarding house, she pondered the changes that had taken place in her life since becoming a vampire.
So much death and pain.
So many people had come into their lives only to be lost shortly thereafter. Most lasted a few months, a lucky few survived years, but it seemed life in mystic falls was just destined to be short and painful. Whether by choice, force or death, every one left eventually.
Though for Caroline it seemed like she couldn't escape it, couldn't even go a full semester at college before being dragged back.
The loss of Bonnie and Damon had, as expected, done the most damage. Elena had become a zombie, you could barely get two words out of her and that was on a good day. Stefan, while still sane, tended to fly into rages at the slightest provocation. Like when he ran out of whiskey. Or bourbon. Or blood.C aroline attributed his intact sanity to the fact that he had a high tendency to be forced to suffer the insufferable.
But the fact remained neither of these two were the people they used to be.
Caroline was the sole voice of reason and comfort, and while she did her best, her best seemed to have little to no effect. Alaric tried to help, but his time on the other side had left him a little lapse in social skills. He seemed to forget that if he talked, people would hear him. So his sympathy and pain were displayed in emotional stares and glance.
This added strain was the cause of her new emotional state. She knew that. Knew that she had not let herself mourn Bonnie's second passing. Or Damon's. Despite all that had happened between her and Damon, they had become... friends. Family, even. Because that was how they all functioned together, "a dysfunctional family" is the best description there is for their group. Or at least it had been. Now it was more comparable to an emptying asylum.
But none of this really mattered. Caroline was nothing, if not loyal and loving and she would hold them up for as long as her own emotional strength and endurance would allow. Whether that would be weeks, months, years or hours remained to be seen.
The very real concern was what would happen when she fell.
"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."
― Laurell K. Hamilton
