Title: Silence
Author: jewel21
Rating: G
Pairing: (None)
Summary: Coda to 'Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things.'
A/N: This is my first Supernatural fic. I hope I did the fandom justice. Special thanks to Scarlet, my beta. You rock, hon.
Disclaimers: Supernatural and the boys don't belong to me. Sadly, neither does the car.
Feedback: Is like crack to me.
Silence by jewel21
So tell me, what could you possibly say to make that all right? He wishes he had the magic words to make everything all right. For weeks he's been pushing Dean, trying to get him to talk. Sam had foolishly hoped that by getting Dean to open up and express his feelings about their father's death, Dean would somehow magically revert back to the older brother Sam never realized he missed so much, until he was faced with this empty, angry shell.
But sitting on the hood of the Impala next to Dean, Sam realizes he was wrong. Dean is broken and hurting and Sam has no idea what he could possibly say to make Dean better because that's always been Dean's job. For as long as Sam can remember, Dean was always the one to calm his fears and make him laugh and until now, he's never realized just how difficult a job it is.
And the problem is, Dean is right.
For months, he's suspected his dad died to save Dean. But Dean never voiced his concerns and Sam never found the courage to either. Some small part of him foolishly hoped maybe Dean hadn't made the connection, but in retrospect he realizes just how stupid he's been.
And what makes it even worse is that this isn't the first time Dean's life has been saved in exchange for someone else's. Dean had been angry when he realized an innocent man had died in his place when Roy LeGrange had healed him almost a year ago. And Sam can't even begin to comprehend how much worse this is for Dean, knowing that this time it's not a stranger who's life was exchanged for his own, but that of his own father.
Sam knows there are only two people Dean holds dear to him and the fact that one of them is gone because of him is killing him with guilt. And he knows it's selfish, and he feels guilty even thinking it, but if he had to choose between dad or Dean, he would always choose Dean. And he wishes he could say that to Dean. That he could make Dean understand how much he means to him, but he can't bring himself to voice the words. Dean isn't ready to hear them, they would just end up pushing Dean further away, and Sam is too scared to voice them.
There are no magic words to fix Dean. And he deserves more than ineffectual platitudes. And while Sam wants nothing more than to tell Dean just how important he is, he knows that until Dean is ready to actually listen, it'll just be in vain. So until then, Sam will sit and he'll listen and he'll try to be there for Dean like Dean has always been there for him. And what he can't say with words, he'll say with actions, and the silences in between, and maybe when Dean is ready, he'll understand.
