Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek, I just borrow their toys.

Disclaimer, part 2: I hate this title. It was just supposed to be a working title but I haven't been able to come up with anything better.

Aboard the Enterprise E but the time line veers off somewhere before 'First Contact'.

Until I Smile At You
by E. Wallace
1998

Chapter 1

She lay staring at the ceiling for a moment before rolling over, resting her hand on the pillow on the empty side of the bed. Beverly Crusher ran her hand lightly back and forth, thinking about how her life had changed three weeks ago.

Three short weeks. Three weeks of waking up next to him, here or in his quarters, and it had become such a habit that she wasn't sure how she would get through the next six days without him. It already felt strange, being here alone.

She smiled as she recalled that dinner - the wine, the comfortable conversation. And the casual good night kiss, no different from countless others, except that without warning it had changed from casual to passionate. A change that suddenly seemed exactly right. Beverly knew she ought to be mad at herself for keeping Jean-Luc at arm's length for so long, but how could she when everything felt so good now?

With a groan, she threw back the covers and got out of bed, determined not to even think about Jean-Luc Picard for the rest of the day. Her good intention lasted all the way to the closet where she found one of his shirts. She slipped it on over her nightgown. It carried the lingering scent of his aftershave, and she idly wondered what people would think if she wore it instead of her uniform. 'Damn! He's been gone less than a day, and I'm standing around day dreaming like some love-struck teenager. I should be wonderful entertainment for Deanna at the staff meeting!'

oxo

By the fourth day, an uncharacteristic gloom had settled over her. She hadn't heard a word from him, not even the briefest message. Of course, that didn't really mean anything. Did it? Maybe this mission simply didn't allow time for anything else.

Beverly moved restlessly around her cabin. Tonight, she just couldn't seem to sit still. She couldn't concentrate to read, even her tea sat ignored on the table. The doctor had turned down several invitations for meals and entertainment. In fact, she hadn't left her quarters the last two days except for her duty shifts.

Thoughts of Jean-Luc filled her mind. Every moment of their time together, every word.

Except those three words.

She loved him, why hadn't she told him? He hadn't said it either, even though she'd known how he felt ever since Kesprytt, no matter how hard he had tried to convince her that he 'didn't have those feelings anymore'. As if he could lie with those implants they'd had. Not that she had been able to keep her thoughts private when they were standing on opposite sides of the border. So, if they knew each other's thoughts, why couldn't they say the words? She massaged her temples, trying to relieve the tightness brought on by the circles her brain insisted on running in.

The comm system chirped. "Sickbay to Dr. Crusher."

"Crusher here."

"The bridge just notified us that we're responding to a distress signal. 61 people on a damaged transport ship."

"Casualties?"

"No details yet. We're on a course to intercept in 17 minutes."

Grabbing her lab coat, Beverly headed for the door. "All right, you know the drill. I'm on my way!"

oxo

Thirty-six hours later, Beverly Crusher made her way back to her cabin. She stayed close to the wall all the way down the corridor from the turbolift, mostly in an effort to remain standing. Most of the transport's passengers merely had minor injuries, but nearly everybody had one. Of the few serious wounds, only eleven of those were really life threatening. Still, it had been an exhausting time, taxing her staff almost to the limit.

The cabin door opened, and she headed for the bedroom without even calling up the lights. It was only force of habit that made her change into a nightgown. She smiled as she realized it was Jean-Luc's favorite. The dark green satin hugged every curve, and the matching robe concealed only slightly more. Jean-Luc said he felt like he was unwrapping a gift when she wore it.

Thinking about Jean-Luc was a mistake. She missed him terribly and wished she could be going to sleep in his arms instead of a cold, lonely bed. At least this was the last time. He would be home in a few hours, and even exhausted, she could think of several ways to make up for lost time. She smiled again, the wicked little smile that had been known to send shivers up the bravest spine. Who knew what she could come up with when she was fresh?

The door chime sounded before she could turn down the bed. She groaned in frustration, tempted to climb in, pull the covers over her head and ignore it. It really couldn't be serious; she would have been paged for an emergency. The chime sounded again, then an immediate third time. Well, whoever it was, they were persistent. Grabbing her robe, Beverly headed for the door. If she had any hope of getting some sleep, she had to get rid of whoever it was.

She blinked in the sudden light that flooded through the open door, silhouetting the tall figure looming before her. "Are we breakfasting in the dark, Red?"

"Micah? What are you doing here? And don't call me 'Red', it brings up very bad memories." Micah Assenav had been a pleasant surprise among the Trebor's passengers. Friends since her internship on Delos IV, they had kept in touch through the years, seeing each other at conferences and one family shore leave with Wesley and Micah's wife and two daughters. Contact had been rather lax the last couple of years, and they were both looking forward to a chance to catch up.

"Computer, lights 50%," he said with a chuckle as he entered. "Still as charming as ever first thing in the morning, I see. And still inclined to oversleep. Nice outfit, good color. Where can I get one for Nora? What's for breakfast?"

Beverly caught his arm as he headed past her toward the replicator. "I didn't oversleep because I haven't been to bed yet, Nora looks hideous in green, and how can you think of breakfast in the middle of the night?"

He finally stopped to take a good look at her, seeing the lines of fatigue around her mouth and the dark circles under her eyes. He cupped her cheek in his large hand. "I'm sorry, Beverly, I didn't realize you had been working this whole time. It's 0600. We were supposed to have breakfast, remember?" Micah leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Never mind, love, you just go to bed. You need rest more than I need food."

She laughed, taking his hand in hers. "Computer, lights full. Micah, I hope to see the day you don't need food." She motioned for him to sit at the table while she placed the order at the replicator. Simple and light for her; substantially more for him.

"I only said you needed rest more. Never fear, my dear, starvation was not in my plans. Your Ten Forward is already well acquainted with me."

She groaned dramatically as she sat down. "I'll bet half the ship knows who you are."

"Speaking of bets," he drawled, rubbing his chin, "I suppose I should tell you now that I sat in on last night's poker game." He quickly handed her an extra napkin as she choked on her tea. "I only told them a couple of stories. I didn't dare go too far. There are too many things you could tell Nora about me."

The rest of the meal was taken up with more good-natured ribbing as the conversation flowed from family to work to do-you-remembers to a dozen other things. Seeing the sparkle in her eyes, Micah pounced on the merest mention of Jean-Luc. His teasing quickly turned to reassurances when she told him of her doubts. He politely informed her that the man would have to be out of his mind not to love her.

Decaffeinated tea or not, finally she could no longer keep her eyes open. Micah took pity on her. Having cleared the dishes, he draped an arm around her shoulders as they walked to the door. "Now, you had better prepare yourself for the inquisition. Nora is going to be on the first sub-space connection she can make to hear all the details for herself." He paused in the open doorway before continuing softly, "She's going to be as happy for you as I am." Wrapping her in a bear hug, he lifted her off her feet.

oxo

Alone in his quarters, Jean-Luc Picard tried desperately to forget what he'd just witnessed.

He'd used every trick he knew to complete his diplomatic mission early, wanting only to get back to Beverly. He hoped he could convince her to take some time off so they could spend a whole day together. Upon returning to the Enterprise, he had waved off Will Riker's attempt to update him on the events he'd missed, leaving instructions not to disturb him for anything less than a red alert. His plans to join Beverly for breakfast turned into a surprise for him. A most unwelcome surprise.

The man was tall, towering over even Beverly's graceful height. Dark hair and eyes, broad shoulders-and a voice that carried even in a low, intimate tone. "...you can't take many nights like that." She playfully slapped his arm as he continued. "Sleep, love. I'll see you soon."

Jean-Luc watched Beverly watch the man saunter down the corridor. When he disappeared around the curve, she waited a moment longer before turning back into her cabin. "Computer, lights out!" was the last thing he heard as the door slid shut behind her.

Now, hours later, he couldn't block the images from his mind, no matter how hard he tried.

oxo

After sleeping most of the day, the first thing Beverly did upon waking was to check the computer for Jean-Luc's arrival time. She was stunned to learn he had returned to the Enterprise several hours ago. Why hadn't he come to her? 'Maybe he did,' she thought, 'and I slept right through it.'

She quickly showered and dressed, choosing a soft floral dress that swirled around her legs when she moved. Confirming that Jean-Luc was in his quarters-and alone-she checked herself in the mirror one last time and left her cabin.

At his door, she tapped in the entry code he had given her. It didn't work. She tried again with the same result. 'So much for the element of surprise,' she thought as she rang the chime instead.

"Come." The invitation wasn't particularly hospitable.

"Welcome back, Jean-Luc!" she said gaily as she breezed into the room.

Picard was seated at his desk. Not only didn't he rise to greet her, his eyes never left the computer screen.

She perched on the edge of the desk in front of him. "Something tells me your mission didn't go the way you wanted it."

"The mission went exactly as planned," he replied sharply, still not looking at her.

Beverly frowned slightly. She reached out, gentle fingers pulling his chin so that he faced her. "So what's wrong?" She felt him stiffen then he stood and moved away from her. "Okay, maybe you'll feel like talking later. By the way, the entry code you gave me didn't work."

"I deleted it."

Her eyes widened in surprise at his harsh tone. He was angry - with her. "Jean-Luc, I..."

"This was clearly a mistake." He spoke quickly. "It's time we acknowledged it and ended it as pleasantly as possible. I realize it may be awkward for a while, but it will be for the best in the end."

Beverly stared at him in confusion. "Apparently I didn't get enough sleep, because I'm not following you. What was a mistake?"

"Our... relationship." Stumbling over the word, he grimaced and averted his gaze as the confusion in her eyes was replaced by pain.

"You think our relationship was a mistake? Why? What happened?"

"Beverly, don't do this."

"Don't do what?" she demanded. "Don't ask questions? I think I have a right to know. When you left, everything was fine. What happened in six days to make you change your mind?"

He had wanted to avoid this kind of scene, afraid his anger would make him say something he didn't want to say. Which he did. "It didn't take six days. This morning was more than enough."

Pain gave way to fury. Standing nose to nose with him, Beverly needed a bit more detail. "This morning? Did you have some kind of epiphany? Or did you just decide that reality simply wasn't as good as your expectations? I'm so sorry, Jean-Luc, that I didn't live up to 25 years of your fantasies!" Words dripping with icy sarcasm, she followed him step for step as he tried to back away. "What was it? Was I too meek or too passionate? Was I too independent or too clinging? Please, do tell me where I went wrong. I wouldn't want to make the same mistake next time."

"Your 'next time' looked quite satisfied from where I stood!" He cursed his temper again as the words left his mouth.

Slowly the pieces began falling together. "This morning. My next time." Her blue eyes darkened, sparking dangerously. "I don't know what you think you saw, but it seems your over active imagination managed to turn it into something else!"

"That touching farewell, complete with you in your nightgown didn't require any embellishment! I've been on the receiving end, remember?"

Beverly raised her hand but stopped herself. "You're right. This was a mistake. It was a mistake to believe you could ever sustain a long term relationship," she sneered. "You're a coward, Jean-Luc, always finding someone or something else to blame. With Jenice, it was your career; with Nella, you said you couldn't send her out into danger. And there were who knows how many in between. Were you running out of excuses or just lazy? Is that why you resorted to the infidelity scenario with me? I suppose I must thank you for simply dumping me. You could have fallen back on your precious Shakespeare and strangled me, like Othello." She leaned in close, her voice dropping to a hiss. "And you didn't even need Iago whispering in your ear. You did it all yourself." He stood, rooted in place, when she moved toward the door. As it opened, she turned back. "Now I finally understand why Data had such a hard time in his efforts to become more human - he kept turning to you for a role model."

Beverly forced herself to walk, not run, back to her cabin. She stepped just out of the door's sensor range, allowing it to close. Her knees buckled then, and she sank to the floor, sobbing.

oxo

Having no place to go for breakfast the next morning, Beverly started her day in Sickbay early. Her staff knew her well...and this was not a good sign. She did her best not to inflict her bad mood on anyone else, staying in her office, catching up on paperwork. She watched the time for the senior staff meeting come and go. They were used to her being late, but it was generally because she was busy. This time, she was simply dreading it.

"Dr. Crusher?" She looked up to see Alyssa Ogawa standing in the doorway. "You were due at the staff meeting ten minutes ago."

"I know. Do you think they'd notice if I didn't show up?" The question was obviously rhetorical as Beverly stood, jamming her hands in the pockets of her lab coat.

"That bad, huh?"

"Worse."

"I can't help you there," Alyssa said, pointing up, "but I'll be glad to run interference for you down here."

Beverly wrapped a friendly arm around the young woman's shoulders. "You know, Alyssa, the only reason I promoted you to lieutenant is because they said saint wasn't an official rank. I have absolutely no idea why you put up with me."

oxo

The officers seated around the conference table didn't require Deanna Troi's empathic abilities to feel the tension level rise the moment the doctor joined them.

Will Riker paused in his report as she took her seat without a word, not even her usual apology for being late. Folding her hands on the table, she waited for him to continue.

Later, her own Sickbay report was delivered in soft, measured tones, directly to the Captain. He looked away first.

Picard closed the meeting with an abrupt "Dismissed," and strode quickly out to the bridge. All eyes turned to the doctor as she rose from her chair.

"Beverly..."

"Not now, Deanna."

The counselor scrambled out of her chair, intending to go all the way to Sickbay if necessary. Beverly heard her and turned at the door. "I said, not now." The words were softly spoken, but Deanna felt almost as though she had been physically struck. Will caught her arm, guiding the startled woman back to her seat.

Everyone was shaken to realize that there was something more intimidating than the legendary Howard temper. That fire always burned itself out. But they had no frame of reference for this forbidding calm.

tbc