I've had this idea for quite a long time now, and even though I've done other fics that are a continuation of the episode "Forgiving Rollins", I decided to do another one. This story takes place at the end of that episode, when Amanda, Fin and Nick come out of the courthouse but Amanda doesn't get in the car with them because she says she's going to get some fresh air.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS: This story deals with suicidal ideation and there are also mentions of rape, so please keep this in mind before continuing to read.

I am hard at work on my other fics and trying to get another update posted this weekend, but I seem to keep bouncing back and forth from story to story and I'm having some trouble settling on just one of them to work on.

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"No light, no light

In your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

A revelation in the light of day

You can't choose what stays and what fades away

And I'd do anything to make you stay

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"Where is Rollins?"

Those are the first words out of Olivia's mouth as she stands in the open doorway of her office and watches only two of her three detectives return to the squad room after witnessing Deputy Chief Charles Patton plead guilty to sexual abuse in the third degree at the courthouse that morning. She had been unable to attend, even though she had wanted to be there to show her support for both Amanda and Reese Taymor, and regrets that work has had to come first; the never-ending chaos that is life as a sergeant in the Special Victims Unit usually having to take priority over everything else.

"Rollins said she wanted to get some fresh air," Fin informs her as he strides over to his desk and slings his winter jacket over the back of the chair before slumping down into his seat, the older man looking tired and weary with all that has transpired since Patton had come to town.

"So she's just outside, then?" Olivia inquires with one eyebrow arched, head tilted toward the door and expecting to see Amanda walking inside at any second.

"No, we left her at the courthouse," Nick explains as he strides right over to the coffee machine, but Olivia can hear the note of concern in his voice and can also see it written blatantly across Fin's face, her longtime friend's expression usually neutral when it comes to these kinds of situations. "She's just taking a walk, Liv. Probably needed some time to clear her head. I'm sure she'll be back soon. And we were talking about her taking some time off."

"Well, that time off hasn't yet just started," Olivia snaps back with no small amount of annoyance in her voice, trying to push down that hint of trepidation she feels at Amanda's current absence from the precinct. "She's still on the clock until the end of the day. We're drowning in cases here."

"Well, what were we supposed to do, Liv? Hit her over the head and drag her back to the car with us?" Fin replies with a roll of his eyes, his hands raised in the air as if in surrender. "She needed some time alone, okay? Things have been pretty rough for her lately."

"I know that, Fin," Olivia responds, lowering her voice into a softer tone as she continues to speak and feeling a stab of guilt at how harshly she has been coming across. "But she can take all the time she needs when her vacation starts. Right now I need her here, especially since she's going to be off for the next few weeks. We need all the help we can get at the moment."

"I'll call her cell," Nick offers, holding up the phone on this desk. "You know Rollins tends to lose track of the time. I'll let her know that you want her back here right away."

"No, it's okay, I'll do it," Olivia sighs in frustration as she pivots on her heel to march back into her office, overcome with the usual mixture of irritation and worry when it comes to her detective, along with something else; something that has simmered far below the surface of her thoughts and feelings ever since that day a few years ago when Amanda had confessed to her that something had happened on the job back in Atlanta, Olivia wanting to provide care and comfort and protect the younger woman from harm. Somehow those good intentions had fallen by the wayside and were buried beneath mounds of stress and tension between them, as well as horrific personal events that she had been made to go through; life in general tending to get in the way and stopping her from following through on things.

She fully intends to follow through on this, though, and holds the phone impatiently to her ear as she stifles another heavy sigh, waiting for Amanda to pick up and frowning at how long it is taking for the other woman to answer her cell.

"Hello?"

The voice is small and timid and shaky, not at all like the Amanda Rollins she is used to hearing, and Olivia's frown becomes even deeper as she listens to the noise on the other end of the line; the usual traffic and the shouts from pedestrians almost drowning out the soft hyperventilating that she is sure is also present.

"Amanda? Where are you? Were you intending on coming back to work today or have you decided that your time off has already started?" Olivia's annoyance with the situation is quickly giving way to the worry that has been churning inside her gut, as she presses the phone harder to her ear when she thinks she hears Amanda inhale a shuddering breath but no words seem to be forthcoming. "Can you answer me, please?"

"S-sorry, Liv, I'll be there soon." Amanda's mumbling reply comes down the line a moment later, along with another audible inhale of breath. "I didn't mean to take so long. I should have just come back with the guys."

"How far away are you?" Olivia asks lightly, scrubbing a fatigued hand over her face and wishing this week was over. "I can come and get you."

Amanda has gone nearly silent on the other end of the line now, the blonde detective apparently choosing not to grace her with a reply, but Olivia can still detect the occasional shaky intake of air like the younger woman is continuing to hyperventilate and trying not to let it show, and this only increases her uneasiness and exacerbates the feeling that something is wrong.

"Amanda. Tell me where you are right now, please." Olivia's voice is very stern and indicates that there is no room for argument in this matter, her dark eyebrows raising high in surprise when her subordinate rattles off an address that is nowhere near the station. "What are you doing all the way over there? I thought you were walking toward the precinct, not away from it."

"I just needed some fresh air," Amanda murmurs with a slight catch in her tone and what sounds suspiciously like a muffled sob, and Olivia is promptly scooping her jacket up and heading toward the office door while digging through her pockets to find her keys.

"You could have gotten some fresh air on the way back to where you're supposed to be, instead of walking further away," she chastises gently, realizing that explosive anger and accusations are not the way to go right now; that Amanda needs patience and compassion in dealing with everything that has transpired since Charles Patton's arrival in New York. "Just wait right there, okay? I'm coming to get you."

Olivia ignores the concerned and questioning glances that are thrown in her direction from both Fin and Nick, holding up a hand without sparing them a look as she strides toward the elevators, something telling her that she needs to get to Amanda right away and there is no time to give an explanation to her other detectives. She keeps the younger woman on the phone with her as she hurries out into the parking lot, assuring her over and over again that it's perfectly fine for her to leave the precinct to come and pick her up, even though that couldn't be further from the truth, as the amount of open cases that are stacked up on her desk seem to be growing by the hour and there really is no time for this at all.

The last of Olivia's annoyance with the situation has melted away entirely as she gets into the car and starts the engine, Amanda curiously quiet on the other end of the line again, except for those strange noises that she is sure are stifled cries, the younger woman seemingly trying as hard as she can not to burst into tears. Olivia tries to engage Amanda in conversation as she drives as quickly as possible to her destination, but to no avail, as the only responses she receives are mumbled answers that barely resemble words. She repeatedly asks the blonde woman what is wrong and if it has anything to do with Patton, even though she knows what a ridiculous question that is, as that is obviously the issue here, but Olivia needs Amanda to start opening up and talking to her, extremely worried about the growing silence coming from the other end of the line, and that worry only ratcheting up even further when the line suddenly goes dead.

Olivia's heart is picking up the pace quite a bit now as she fumbles with her phone with the intention of calling Amanda right back, cursing sharply when she drops the device on the floor of the car and it goes skittering under the seat as she turns a corner abruptly. She tries to convince herself that Amanda didn't hang up on purpose and had probably just dropped her own phone by accident, but the persistent fear that something is very wrong continues to claw away at her mind and knows she won't rest until she can see for herself that Amanda is okay.

When Olivia gets close to the address Amanda gave her, she slows the car down to a crawl despite all the loud and obnoxious honking of horns behind her, keeping her eyes peeled for the younger woman among the crowds on the sidewalk, and expelling a deep sigh of relief when she spots her leaning against one of the buildings with her head hanging low and her hands shoved far down into the pockets of her coat. Amanda's long hair is obscuring her face, the blonde strands whipped into a small golden tornado by the chilly winter wind, and Olivia is unsure if the other woman knows that she has arrived and is choosing to ignore her, or if she is genuinely unaware of her sergeant's vehicle sitting several feet away at the curb.

Olivia opens the car door and plants one booted foot on the ground while simultaneously honking the horn to get Amanda's attention, the other woman's head immediately shooting up and fixing Olivia with what seems to be an odd combination of panic and relief and disappointment. Olivia frowns in confusion when instead of beginning to move toward the vehicle, Amanda just stands there stock-still in front of the building as if suddenly paralyzed and continuing to stare at Olivia with that strange expression on her face.

"Amanda!" Olivia gets fully out of the car now and begins making her way toward her subordinate, half expecting the small detective to bolt and make a run for it, but Amanda just remains right where she, rooted to the spot with a completely blank look overtaking everything else.

"Hey, what's going on?" Olivia asks softly when she and Amanda are standing side by side, surprising herself by reaching out to take a cold, thin hand into both of her own and briskly rubbing her palms over it to try and infuse the younger woman with some warmth, noticing that a pair of gloves are being clutched in her other hand. "Are you alright? Why did you hang up on me? And why aren't you wearing your gloves? It's freezing out here."

"Sorry, I hung up by accident" Amanda mutters in a nearly inaudible tone, her gaze lowering toward the ground as she speaks, shoving the gloves into one of her pockets. "And I guess I just got distracted after court and started walking in the opposite direction of the precinct. I didn't mean for this to happen."

"You got distracted?" Olivia says skeptically, reaching out a gentle hand to grasp Amanda under the chin and raise her head up so they are looking at each other eye to eye, her heart aching when she sees the vast amount of pain evident in those bright blue orbs, a single tear hovering on the edge of her lower lashes. "Do you want to tell me what's really going on here? I know you're upset by what happened in court today. Barba called me as soon as it was done. I know Patton just got off with a slap on the wrist but I suppose it's better than nothing at all-"

"It's fine, Olivia." Amanda's voice is flat when she interrupts, raising a hand in the air as if to ward off the rest of her boss' words and stepping out of Olivia's hold as she starts heading toward the car that is idling by the curb. "I don't want to talk about it, alright? It doesn't matter anyway."

"Why doesn't it matter?" Olivia frowns as she hurries after the younger woman, reaching out to snag one of her arms and then gasping in surprise as Amanda wrenches herself free from her grasp and whirls around with a vicious expression contorting her delicate features.

"Don't touch me like that!" she snarls in reply, Olivia's hands immediately flying up into the air and away from any other part of Amanda's body.

"Like what?" She is completely taken aback and perplexed for a moment, as she had just held Amanda's hand and touched her chin without so much as a flinch from the other woman, before realizing that she had grabbed the detective's arm when Amanda's back had been turned and she hadn't been able to see what her sergeant was doing.

"Honey, I'm so sorry," Olivia responds vehemently, the pet name slipping out before she can stop it and her tone very heartfelt, as Amanda continues to march toward the car, flinging the door open before plunking herself down into the passenger seat and crossing her arms in front of her body as if in protection from her boss.

Olivia could not possibly feel worse as she gets into the driver's seat next to her and apologizes profusely, reminding herself that she does not know all the details of what had gone on between Amanda and Patton in the past and that the younger woman may have certain triggers that she is unaware of. She sits there rigidly for a moment without making a move to direct the car back out into the traffic, internally beating herself up for behaving that way with Amanda, who is a rape victim; Olivia swallowing hard against a sudden lump inside her throat as a part of her has refused to let that sink in just yet, that one of her own is just as much a victim as the people they deal with in their cases on a daily basis, that Amanda had indeed been raped by her superior.

She leans her head back against the seat and scrubs her hands over her face as she glances over at the younger woman who has pressed herself against the inside of the car door, her face entirely averted so that Olivia is staring at the back of Amanda's blonde head. She refrains from reaching out to touch the other woman again and instead shifts slightly closer in the seat, hoping Amanda will turn back around.

"I'm sorry for what happened out there," she says very softly and sincerely, suddenly wanting nothing more than to gather the small, shaking body into her arms, Amanda huddled against the door with her shoulders hunched up to her ears and her legs tucked beneath her, looking so uncharacteristically vulnerable and broken that it breaks Olivia's heart.

"Can you please look at me, Amanda?" The request is still spoken quite softly with a just a hint of firmness detectable beneath. "I need you to talk to me and tell me what's wrong, honey. What are you doing all the way out here? Why didn't you come back to the precinct with Fin and Nick? And don't tell me you just needed some fresh air," Olivia continues when she senses that Amanda is about to give her an untruthful answer, something that she will just brush aside and hope her boss will forget about.

"I just wanted a break from everything." The reply is low and whispered and Olivia has to lean even closer to hear Amanda speak, careful that no parts of their bodies are touching while the younger woman's face is still averted.

"I can appreciate that you want a break, Amanda," she responds quietly, relieved to see the detective turning slowly in her seat so that Olivia is now looking at her subordinate's profile instead of the back of her head. "That's why I'm giving you one. But I still expected you to finish out the day with everyone else. And if you were unable to do that, you should have come to me directly or at least given me a call instead of wandering in the opposite direction of the precinct." She pauses briefly before continuing. "Now I need you to tell me what you're doing all the way over here. And if you want to talk about Patton and the trial, I will be more than happy to listen."

When Amanda shifts again in her seat and turns her body so that they are looking one another in the eye, Olivia is startled to see the utter emptiness that resides there now and seems to have obliterated anything else she had seen before; the disappointment, the panic, the pain. "Do you know that we don't have a choice?"

The frown that has been fixed on Olivia's face only pulls her eyebrows deeper together as she contemplates the other woman's question. "A choice about what?"

"About what stays with us," Amanda answers softly, a hand drifting up to her chest as she gestures toward herself. "About what lingers inside of us long after something happens; years and years after the fact. There are certain things that never fade away, no matter how hard you try; no matter how much therapy you attend or how many hobbies you take up or even if you bury yourself so far into your work that you no longer have a personal life. No matter how much distance you try to put between it and you. Even then, Olivia, it doesn't go away."

"Amanda." Olivia's voice is hushed and her hand is resting on the console between them, her fingers twitching with the need to move; to reach out and grab ahold of the younger woman and pull her against her body, despite what had just occurred outside, wanting to provide the small detective with any form of comfort that she is able. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Tell me more about what's been going on with you lately. It's been so hard, hasn't it? With Patton and Reese Taymor and the team finding out about what happened in Atlanta. I know something like that doesn't ever go away completely, but we have to find a way to come to terms with it and live with it. We need to find a way to go on, even after these terrible things happen."

Amanda is shaking her head vehemently and blinking back tears now, dragging a trembling arm across her eyes as if in an effort to stop the impending breakdown. "But I don't want to," she whispers almost inaudibly, Olivia taking a chance and pushing the console up so there are no more barriers between them.

"You don't want to what?" she asks with a certain amount of dread apparent in her tone now, moving as close as she possibly can to the other woman in the confined space of the interior of the vehicle. "You don't want to find a way to go on? Is that what you're saying?"

When Olivia is met with a wall of silence in response, and the back of Amanda's head as the detective turns away once more in her seat, she quickly ponders her options as she struggles to control her racing heart, the organ now beating much too quickly inside her chest when she considers what Amanda isn't saying, a physical ache spreading throughout Olivia's body and a sheen of tears taking up residence in her own eyes. She resolves to stay as calm as she can in this situation, as she is not entirely sure what is going on just yet and needs to give Amanda a chance to keep talking and to explain exactly what she means by the things she has just said.

"You know what, Olivia, this was a mistake," the younger woman says softly but firmly, her face still turned toward the door. "I should have just left for vacation instead of going to court. I had no right to be there, anyway. And I shouldn't be here with you in your car right now. I should be somewhere else."

"Why didn't you have a right to be there?" Olivia inquires gently, so desperate to gather this broken woman into her embrace and hold her; to attempt to physically soothe away all of the sorrow and anguish that is so evident in her posture and tone and words.

"Just forget it," Amanda sighs heavily with a flippant wave of her hand, still not bothering to turn around and face her boss. "It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing matters anymore. I'm just going to go, Olivia. This was a mistake, you coming to pick me up. I should have just gone home. I'm going to go now."

"Hey, wait just a minute! You're not going anywhere," Olivia replies sternly, her arm hovering in the air as she is tempted to reach across Amanda to hold the car door shut when she sees the other woman's fingers grazing the handle. "You are staying right where you are and we're going to talk about this, Amanda."

"You can't keep me in here against my will, Olivia," the small detective snaps sharply, big blue eyes widening when her head swivels around and she sees the arm that Olivia has yet to lower, apparently coming to the conclusion that her boss is going to touch her again or she is not going to let her out of the car.

"Amanda, just calm down-" Olivia starts to soothe, intent on assuring the frightened woman that they are just going to have a little chat about things, but Amanda jerks her body so violently in an effort to escape the vehicle that her scarf goes flying up into her face and her gloves tumble out of the pocket of her winter coat, along with a small clear bottle packed with colorful pills that go scattering all over the seats, a plastic lid that was improperly secured slipping onto the floor.

Olivia hears Amanda's loud gasp in response and watches as the younger woman scrambles to pick up all of the pills, as if she can whisk them away from her sergeant's sight before she realizes they are there, like Olivia hadn't just witnessed them exploding all over the interior of the car and raining down in a bright rainbow of medication.

"Jesus, Amanda, what is all this?" Olivia puts a hand out to try and stop the other woman's frantic movements, listening to the detective's stifled cries and gasps of air as she hurriedly tries to pluck each and every pill up off the seats and the floor, her brain whirling fearfully with her colleague's earlier disturbing remarks and wary of her dramatic reaction to the spilled tablets. "Amanda, what the hell is this?"

The younger woman's frenzied actions come to a complete halt at the sharp, stern bark of Olivia's voice and they stare intently at each other, brown eyes boring into blue without either one of them blinking, Amanda looking remarkably like a deer caught in the headlights before all of the fight seems to drain right out of her and she sinks back against her seat with a weary sigh, speaking in a whispered tone after a brief pause.

"I just wanted to make it stop."

Olivia's hand is squeezing the other woman's arm very urgently now as stares intensely at Amanda's stricken face, all color having leached from her pale complexion and the quivering of her small body very pronounced. "Make what stop?" she asks carefully, that dread blooming inside once again when she hears Amanda's answer.

"Everything."

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*Song lyrics by Florence and the Machine's "No Light, No Light"