Water.

Clean water, grimy water, murky water, soap water. Each and every day, his hands were in them, scrubbing and washing utensils and cutlery, plates and glasses. It never did irk him that the saliva of his crew mates were mixed with leftover sauce, dirt and soap. Besides, a true casanova should be elated to accept a job. Men should never let the ladies do the dirty work.

"Ah, Nami-swaan! Robin-chwaan! Thinking of your lovely smiles makes my heart weak!" he exclaimed in an apparent day-dream, the curl on his eyebrow and smoke emitting from his cigarette forming heart shapes. His eyes followed suit.

Fire.

Low heat, medium heat, high heat. He stood in front of it every single day. He could not possibly leave it unattended, hence he had always stayed by the stove's side. As far as he could remember, he had always stayed by the stove, even if the owner Zeff yelled at him to stay away. He always made sure the soup was savoury, the potatoes soft and the beef cooked tenderly – with love, pun intended.

"It seems like you're always busy in the kitchen, Sanji," the ship's doctor remarked. At first, Chopper did not pay much attention to the amount of time the cook spent in the kitchen, but Sanji rarely spent the time leisurely for himself, not the ladies. In fact, the reindeer never once saw Sanji pick up a book other than a recipe book, go walking for fun or sight-seeing at a fair to kill time.

The chef gave a warm chuckle. He repeated the lines he always said in situations like these. "I can't leave the ladies and my cooking alone," the chef replied.

Chopper's orange peel smile turned as flat as Usopp's chest.

"You know, Sanji...being exposed to heat 11ºC higher than your average body temperature is harmful," the doctor warned, his Nightingale-like instinct kicking in.

"Oh, really? I haven't had a problem like that all my life," replied the chef.

"The stove is about the same level as your abdomen. It makes it even more dangerous since you stand by it every single day...are you listening?" Chopper probed, feeling suddenly ignored

"Oh, le parfum de l'amour! My candies are awaiti-"

"Sanji!" the blue-nosed reindeer yelled. The chef turned to him, his eye brows cocked in a way that signaled he was quite lost, and had not been listening to the doctor. Chopper gave a glum sigh.

"Standing by the stove which has a temperature of at least 11ºC higher than your body every single day is harmful for you. The male reproductive cells produced in you testes will die or be unhealthy, causing you to be infertile. Usually patients recover after two months of staying away from heat as long as the cause is not 11ºC higher than normal body temperature, but you have been standing by the stove for years and it obviously emits heat that is much higher than your body temperature."

Sanji blinked. Sanji inhaled.

"Come again?"

The doctor was hesitant. The issue had been bothering him, but he dared not raise the matter before. He was frightened of the repercussions that would emerge if Sanji knew. No, he would break the news this time. But he wasn't sure if it would sound pleasing either.

"You...you can't make babies? Probably?"

"No, not that."

"You can't ejaculate?"

"No, not that."

Chopper knew what the chef was getting at. He breathed in deeply.

"Your manhood is lost!"

If there was a scene more pitiful than Robin's rescue from the Marines, it would be Sanji sinking into the ocean of despair. If there was someone who looked worse than the zombies at Thriller Bark, it would be Sanji roaming about the ship for a full week.

A/N: What a relief that real-life science doesn't fully apply in One Piece!