Spoilers for s03e03!
I was watching this episode and saw the scene where Gillian sits next to Cal on the couch. I just had to write this. I really loved that scene, the way Gillian looked at Cal, the non verbal expressions etc.
Distance
O, yes, it almost seems as if he's pushing her. She looks in his eyes. Yep, there is that gleam she recognizes instantly. She braces herself, puts up her walls even further just to protect herself for what's coming.
In a way Gillian is glad that Cal is interested in that woman. Naomi. It brings things back to normal. Gillian feels a shiver in her chest. She ignores it and quickly pushes it away as if it never was. She's good at that, pushing things away. So she chooses to be playful about it. That's how she deals with her feelings, that's how she keeps herself standing. That's how she pushes away the pain Cal has brought to her these last weeks by his behavior. She'll be glad if that's all over.
Cal is lying on the couch and she sits down next to him. In a friendly way. It's just like before, for a moment. Like they're friends, good friends. Like the angry tension between them from these last weeks is momentarily forgotten.
And then he does it. The moment she asks if that woman was in his dreams, he comes close. And this time, even closer then usual. He's too close but she can mask her feelings expertly. Because that's what she's become, an expert at hiding her real feelings for him.
And while Cal talks Gillian nods and listens to him. She studies his face, looks at his lips. While her brain processes the information her eyes see, another part of her brain thinks about what it would be like to close that gap between them. What it would be like to let go of her boundaries and move into him and kiss him hard and every so passionately. What it would be like to pin him down against that couch and climb on top of him, to push her body fully against his, to feel that stubble roughly against her cheek.
O yes, Gillian hates Naomi. She hates her. She hates every woman he likes. She hates Cal. She hates that he likes so many woman.
Gillian sighs when Loker comes in unannounced. She already misses the contact she had with Cal when he turns towards Loker.
She's a fool. She know's it. But she can enjoy it while it lasts can't she? Cal Lightman is not to be trusted as a lover. He's a womanizer, a playboy. He's the kind of man that can't settle down with one woman. And especially not with her. She sees proof of that all the time.
Gillian tells Cal about the janitor while she distances herself again from him. There can never be anything between them. And somewhere in the back of her mind, a little voice tells her that she's pulling away from him to protect herself. That she's afraid to get hurt. So afraid. That she'd rather pull back behind her safe walls.
'Better.' She repeats his word. It's as if she tries to feel how it sounds coming from her own mouth, not from his.
When Cal jumps off the couch and leaves with Loker she keeps sitting. Staring in front of her. One second he is so close to her and the next he's gone. That's always how it is and how it's been. She looks away as she remembers another side of Cal, the caring one, the trusting one, the way he is when he's around Emily, the way he was with Zoe, he never cheated on Zoe. And somewhere, deep in her heart she knows that if Cal gives himself fully to one woman, he wouldn't cheat on her. He'd be faithful. But somehow, it's easier to push that away to somewhere in the back of her mind too. It's so much easier, and not to mention: safer, to keep her distance.
000
Please let me know what you thought. A bit depressing maybe but giving the way Cal's been acting (stupid man! UGH!) towards Gillian these last episodes...I'd be so angry if I were Gillian I hope she'll get angry with him soon!
