I will be brief, if I can. I recently started watching the Legend of Korra, and I was really captivated by the relationship between Tenzin and Lin. I would like to state that I do not, in anyway, hate Pema, though I will say that I feel she lacks development and character, which can be put down to the writers. I just feel that Lin and Tenzin have a more interesting relationship, and I do enjoy angsty pairings, unfortunately. Anyway, during the seasons I felt that there were several instances that I would've liked to explore more, which is where this came from. There will probably be about 3 chapters.
Disclaimer: The characters and the storyline are not mine, just the idea.
It's a Reflex
1.
She feels empty. She doesn't know how else to describe it. Empty and vulnerable, and blind, so blind, she sits there with her feet splayed on the floor, and she cannot sense it, the earth beneath her feet is hard and cold and unforgiving, it does not speak to her, and it is a loss that pulls at her heart strings, an empty gaping hole that aches and aches and the burn creeps up her throat, prickles behind her eyes. She has been sitting there for what feels like hours, hours, hours with this empty feeling in her chest, in her bones, she feels cold, everything feels cold, and she has not tried to resist the knowledge that her bending has gone since she was thrown into that cell, she has not tried again since her freedom, and she never will, she cannot keep pretending to herself or it will destroy her.
They've won, Amon is gone and any benders left in the city, in the world, are safe, safe from having part of them removed, she feels like someone has split her soul in two, and perhaps she isn't far off, she knows how important the spiritual side of bending is, knows that the two are interconnected and she's lost her bending, lost part of her, and it feels, it feels….
It feels like losing her mother all over again. It feels like that day she found her mother gone, things packed, house empty and cold, no warning, no note, no explanation, it is the one thing she has never forgiven her mother for, because it was not the leaving that broke her, but the abruptness of it, she's always prided herself on not being sentimental but god did that hurt, the absence of a goodbye, it felt like losing her mother, it felt like she'd gone for good and part of her knew that she had, and she gave up hoping a long time ago, and this, this feels like losing all over again. Aang once told her that everything, everything was interconnected and she'd taken that to heart, and years after her mother's departure she'd felt like she was still connected to her, that as long as the earth spoke to her in the same way it spoke to her mother things would be okay.
And it is gone. Gone. Her mother is gone, her sister is gone, and now her connection to both of them has been taken from her and it is a grief she can't explain, a rage that is fruitless, she wants to break something, to get her hands on Amon and tear him to pieces, she wants to curl into a ball and sob until she can no longer feel her broken heart, but she's stuck half way between doing both and doing nothing, and she's stiff from sitting still for so long.
She digs her heels into the dirt, scuffs the soil with her toes, and it feels strange and unfamiliar, the grains seem lifeless beneath her feet now.
A knock at her door startles her, a shock that runs through her body, she is on her feet before she's quite aware of what's happened, and it's because she didn't sense them coming, whoever they are, and she's so, so aware of how vulnerable she is now that she sits down again heavily, grips her arms tightly, her skin is cool beneath her fingers, she wants to be left alone but she doesn't , she can't stand the silence any more but she doesn't want to talk about this, she's confused and god help her she's frightened, and the burn behind her eyes has returned and she can't stop it.
'Lin?' She knows that voice too well to doubt who is standing on the other side of her door, and she can picture him, leaning forwards, brows lowered in concern, hand raised to knock again, and it strikes her that the door is unlocked, unlocked because she's so used to being able to lock it with her bending that she forgot to do it when she entered, and it's just another thing, another minor thing that has been removed from her, and it's becoming too much, she can feel the end coming, her walls were built from earth and metal and they're gone now, and her emotions are wild and churning in her heart.
'It's open'. She beckons him in and she hates how fragile she sounds, how her voice is cracked and rough and weak, it's like Amon removed her ability to remain strong when he took her bending.
Tenzin steps in without a word, but he doesn't need words today. He is a stoic man sometimes, he learnt from her after all, he learnt how to hide how he was feeling when he needed to, but today his expression is so raw and feeling that she turns her head away, unable to look at him, unable to see it, the emotions she can read so well, she doesn't want to see his guilt, the way it screams at her from across the room, he blames himself for this, guilt burns in his eyes, weighs down his steps as he walks towards her, and she closes her eyes as if in defence, she doesn't know what to say to him and doesn't know if she cares.
The bed creaks when he sits beside her, and she has a vivid memory of this, years ago, with the scars on her cheek still bandaged and raw, with betrayal burning in her chest as her sister departed the city forever, and Tenzin had remained with her, he hadn't spoken a word, and there'd been nothing to say, but his hands and his lips had voiced things he could not say aloud, and it is strange to think that he is here to provide her with comfort again, years later in an entirely different situation and the laugh that bubbles up in her throat is broken and weak, it sounds pained and strained.
Tenzin touches her as if he is afraid of her reaction, a heavy callused hand on her shoulder, and she is startled by how warm he is, it feels like the only warmth she has experienced since her bending was taken away, and she cannot bring herself to part from it. His touch becomes more steady when she makes no move to rebuff him, his hand slides around her shoulders, his thumb moving over her skin in a way that she used to find comforting, but now it brings back memories of younger, happier days, a melancholy feeling that makes the burn in her throat intensify.
'Tomorrow we'll go to my mother', he sounds uncertain, uncertain that he should be giving her this hope, there is no way they can know if Katara will be able to help them, it is a hope that Korra clings to desperately, she could see it in the Avatar's eyes, and she cannot let her hopes rest on that, will not, and Tenzin knows that, knows her still despite all their years of separation. She shrugs, lets him see her doubt, and his hand tightens on her, the icy temperature of her skin concerns him, she concerns him, he has never seen her look so beaten and exhausted, so drained, and he's seen the same look in the other bender's who had their bending taken, it's like part of them is missing, he does not know that she can barely feel his touch on her skin, only a faint warmth that she craves. 'Lin… I…' he sounds so defeated, so broken, he sounds like he did in the days when Aang could not move from his bed, in the days before the end, it stirs long suppressed feelings in her and she wants to turn away but she does not, cannot, she feels cold and he is warm beside her and she needs something, needs some warmth, some proof that she can still feel without the earth beneath her feet.
'Don't blame yourself. I knew what I was doing. I would've done much more if it meant keeping your family safe, Tenzin'. It is a truth, and even though her efforts were vain, even though they were captured anyway, she wouldn't take her decision back. 'I'm just sorry it didn't do much'.
His fingers tighten, he is holding himself back, he wants to comfort her like he used to, it is a strange and abrupt feeling, but she's lost so much and he wants to hold her, he can see the brightness in her eyes and hear the dullness in her voice, and he wants to help, somehow, but there are years and years of bitter hurt feelings between them and he does not know if she would allow it. 'Don't, Lin. What you did… after everything… don't apologise, please. I cannot thank you enough, old friend'.
They were friends long before they were lovers, she has to remind herself of that, they sought comfort in each other when they were children, and this situation has been repeated time and time again in a different way, and perhaps it is that thought, a memory of a childhood in which he was never absent, that causes her to lean, it's a relaxing of the muscles and he does not flinch away when she leans into him, he pulls her tighter and holds her close, and it's a reflex, a reflex when his lips brush her forehead and neither think anything of it, he's not even sure if she notices. The feeling of holding her is familiar to him, and he's missed it, missed her, but he does not say that. 'I'm so, so sorry, Lin'.
His voice is a rumble against her ear, a rumble that reminds her of the earth and something in her snaps, snaps, shatters and breaks because she will never feel the rumble of the earth beneath her feet again and she'd long believed that she'd never have a moment like this with him again and she's lost too much and it is almost fitting that he is here but she cannot think any more because it is the last straw, the brush of his lips against her skin, it is warmth and heat against the ice in her heart and whatever self-restraint she had left is gone, her walls are gone, and she's sobbing into his shoulder before she's really aware of it, hot tears that burn on her skin and his arms tighten around her and she's missed this, missed him, and she can barely breathe for the emotions crashing over her.
And it's so against what she's always tried to be, strong, resilient, unbreakable, this is so unlike her that it is startling, but maybe it isn't, maybe it isn't, there are very few people in the world who have seen this side of her, the side of her that fears and worries and cries, the part of her that breaks with each officer she loses, the part of her that grieves behind closed doors, she is not emotionless and cold despite what some people may think of her, and this is a loss she'd never believed she could suffer.
Tenzin sits there with her, holds back his own tears, and she does not comment on them when they do fall, silently, sparsely, he sits there and holds onto her, arms wrapped around her back and she is thankful for his warmth, thankful that he does not say anything, she does not know what she will do if he speaks, her hands are fisted in his robes and he has a hand pressed against the back of her neck, fingers curling in her hair and he presses kisses to her forehead, to her temple, her cheek, little else matters outside this room to him at that moment, because Lin is the focus and Lin seems to need him and he has never stopped feeling for her, and the least he can do is be there to comfort her when she has sacrificed everything that she believes defines her for the sake of his family and their defences have weakened, hers have gone, and he brushes his fingers across her scars like he used to, presses kisses to them because he remembers that it comforts her, remembers everything about her no matter how long ago it was, the kisses he presses to her skin are comforting and warm and she can feel them, can feel him in this blank stretch of emptiness and silence, he is all she can focus on and she is thankful for that, she needs to feel something other than the dark emptiness inside her. When he does kiss her it is feather light and brief, their lips brush in a way that is chaste and hesitant, a ghost of what it used to be and it is almost unnoticed, almost, not quite, and Lin clings to him and cries, it is almost cleansing, and neither speaks a word.
He stays with her, keeps her from the cold, from the unfeeling emptiness growing in her heart, though she does not ask, and she is too tired to wonder what his wife will say, and he does not say that he has explained where he is. It reminds him of when they were children, limbs tangled, her breath against his neck as she sleeps, and he lies awake and laments at the hurt he never tried to mend, and wonders how he was able to fool himself for so long, wonders if he ever stopped loving her, knows that he has not, and tries not to think of what tomorrow will bring.
So, what do you think? I apologise for any mistakes.
I hope that it's not too out of character - I honestly believe that anyone who has their bending taken away would experience severe emotional trauma, and I don't really think that this is extremely out of character, but I'm not really sure.
I hope that I've described what they feel well enough - I'm trying not to rush it. And just to clarify nothing actually happens between them.
There will be two more chapters of this kind, and the next will be set at the end of the third season. the last concerns the future, and some of you may have an idea of where that's headed.
Anyway, I hope you liked it, please let me know what you think :)
