So I've posted this on Archive of our Own as part of a series of Destiel ficlets, but I like this one so much, I'm posting it here.
He was twelve years old, his little brother was sitting next to him in the back seat of their car as their father drove down the road They weren't on a particularly lit street, the lights were scarce, but every one they drove under seemed to go out. It scared his younger brother so much that every time they went under one, he'd squeeze him tighter.
"It's alright Sammy, don't be afraid." Dean Winchester said to his younger brother.
"What if there's a monster?" Sam said quietly, but the car was compact, Dean looked up to see his father turn his head sideways a bit and tilt his ear so he could hear Dean's response. Sam was too young, he wasn't allowed to know the truth yet.
"Don't worry Sammy, the lights going out means our guardian angel is watching over us. There's nothing to fear when he's around." Dean sighed, squeezing Sam back just a bit before releasing his grip all together. Sam held tight, he didn't let go until he'd fallen asleep.
Dean drove down the road, his younger brother asleep beside him. They'd just left a case that ended in a face off between Dean and Cole, it left the elder Winchester feeling a bit down. But he pressed on, he'd get through it, he always did. The road they were on at that moment was dark, and there wasn't much around. Dean found himself starting to nod, so he pulled over at the next motel. It wasn't a five star, but it'd do in a pinch; As usual.
"Sammy!" Dean patted his brother on the chest, waking him from his not-so-deep slumber, "Get up, let's go inside. We got a room."
"I thought you were gonna try to make it back to the bunker?" Sam said groggily, stretching his back.
"Can't, I'm falling asleep." Dean growled, opening his door.
"Side effect of getting older. Grandpa." Sam laughed, climbing out of his side, Dean gave him the evil eye and stood up, slamming his door shut behind him. They pushed into the room, the beds were hastily made, and Dean wasn't sure if the blankets were actually clean.
"Lovely." He sighed, but was too tired to care. He plopped down onto the closest one, lazily kicking off is shoes as he did so. Sam closed the door behind him and didn't bother flipping on the lights, he too found his bed soon enough and climbed beneath the surely bed-bug-ridden sheets. He was snoring within minutes and Dean sighed, adjusting himself on the bed, he turned towards the window looking out into the parking lot. They were open just a bit, he could see a thin line of black asphalt backed by a sea of trees. There was one streetlight keeping the whole thing lit, until it suddenly started to spark. Dean squinted, looking underneath it, catching sight of a trench coat before it went out completely.
"Cass?" He asked himself quietly, Sam mumbled something incoherently from behind him. Dean rolled his eyes and cautiously got out of the bed, being sure to pull his knife from his bag before he opened the door of the room. Once outside he checked his perimeter, there was no one around. Deciding he was seeing things, he turned around to head back into the room only to come face to face with the blue eyed, tilted head angel.
"Hello Dean." He said and Dean closed his eyes, holding back a sigh of relief.
"What the hell are you doing?" Dean scolded, "I could have stabbed you!"
"I apologize for frightening you." Castiel replied and Dean hid his knife behind his back, going for nonchalant.
"You didn't." He breathed an awkward laugh. Castiel continued to stare at him, "So, why are you here?"
"I needed to speak with you." The angel said, sounding serious, though he was rarely casual.
"Ok." Dean shrugged, walking to the impala and sliding back onto its hood, "So speak." Castiel sighed, walking slowly to the car after Dean. He didn't get onto the hood, but stood in front of the hunter, his hands in his pockets though they were clearly fiddling with something.
"I'm not quite sure how to say this..." Castiel began and Dean swallowed thickly, unsure of the small flip his stomach just made. He started realizing how nervous Cass looked, the fiddling in his pocket, the avoided eye contact, and that angel never avoided eye contact, at least not with Dean. When he didn't continue, Dean snapped himself from his thoughts.
"Are you alright, Cass?" Dean asked and the angel sighed, his eyes falling shut, a hand finally coming out of his pocket and coming to rest on the bridge of his nose, he was obviously struggling with something, "You can talk to me about anything, you know that." Dean didn't want to seem too pushy, but since the angel showed up and started acting strange, the hunter was itching to know what was up.
"The other day, Hannah kissed me..." He said, his voice was a bit more gruff than normal, Dean's stomach dropped at that statement, he didn't understand why.
"Ok, and?" Dean pried, if Cass wouldn't stop talking at every turn, he wouldn't have to seem so impatient or nosey.
"She did it to show her vessel's husband that she'd moved on, that she wasn't coming back."
"Damn, that's brutal." The hunter said, and it was.
"I know. But after... She said something that bothered me."
"You're a bad kisser? Your lips were chapped? Too much tongue?" Dean suggested options, drawing a small smile from the angel, it was enough to set his heart a flutter, but only a little bit; At least that's what he told himself.
"No." Cass breathed a small laugh, "She said she felt... Well that she felt. She felt guilty, she felt bad. She couldn't go on keeping her vessel from her husband. She vacated it."
"No shit?" Dean asked, relief flooding through him slightly, though he could tell Castiel was struggling with her decision, "How do you feel about that?"
"I don't mind, she was a nice companion, but I couldn't help but feel that she..." He paused, though Dean didn't interrupt, he could tell this time Cass would continue, "I felt that she was attracted to me. It made me feel uncomfortable on several occasions. Awkward, I suppose." Dean laughed a bit, at that moment he wished he had a beer to toss back so he could hide his goofy grin that threatened to sneak onto his face.
"Why?" He said instead, clearing his throat, trying to sound casual. Yes, a beer would have definitely helped, "She was hot, right? I mean, her vessel was... Hot... ish."
"Yes, the vessel, Caroline, was a very attractive woman. But I'm afraid I would have only disappointed her." Cass sighed.
"Oh, c'mon, Cass. You've gotten laid once. Don't be so hard on yourself." Dean smiled slyly, the angel's eyes meeting his briefly before he looked back down. Dean swore he saw a blush burn into those cheeks.
"Not like that, Dean." Cass half smiled as he stared at his shoes and shrugged, "What I mean is... I suppose I've just never really been emotionally available."
"Cause of the whole angel of the lord thing? I get that." Dean nodded, his hands rubbing down the sides of his legs, because his palms were sweating. When had they started doing that?
"No." Cass stuttered slightly, Dean caught his eyes following the line his hands made as he moved them down his legs, he half smiled, beginning to understand. He was still staring at Castiel when he looked back up and locked his blue eyes with Dean's green ones, "Because of you." Dean's hearing disappeared for a moment after that, he continued to stare forward, seeing only blue pools as his mouth fell open. After a couple seconds he collected himself, clearing his throat and gripping tightly at the bottoms of his thighs, refocussing himself so he didn't bound off of the car and grab Cass.
"M-me?" Dean asked, real smooth-like, "What do you mean?" He tried to laugh, it came out awkwardly.
"Dean... Are we really playing that game right now?" Castiel was being straightforward, it made Dean's stomach flip again, it was happening a lot that night.
"What game?" He asked, blinking, trying to see if the angel would disappear, if it had all been a dream concocted by his subconscious.
"The one where you pretend you weren't staring at me, or where your hand didn't linger on mine for too long when handing me something, or where your leg doesn't brush up against mine when we sit next to one another. The signs are there Dean, don't try to make me feel like a fool." Castiel was slightly angry, but the frustration was evident and Dean understood. He felt it too, he just hadn't realized Castiel felt it.
"Cass, I didn't know..." He said quietly, shrugging and looking down at his lap, feeling something like complete shit, "How long?" He finally found the courage to ask as he looked back up at the blue eyed angel.
"Since I raised you from perdition, Dean. Since I left my mark." He stepped forward, placing his hand lightly on Dean's shoulder, his other hand resting on Dean's inner forearm, the one that housed the mark of Cain, "The first mark that mattered to you."
"It's the only mark that matters." Dean muttered, his hand resting atop Castiel's on his forearm, "I thought you didn't... That you couldn't..." He breathed in deeply, his eyes meeting Castiel's again as the angel rolled them and shook his head.
"You're an idiot." He said, "You should have realized that I began to change when I met you. Because of you I am the way I am now. I would have perished long ago were it not for you. Loving you has saved me, I know that." Dean stared at Castiel for a moment, the cogs turning in his head finally slowed down enough for him to register what the angel had just said; When they did he didn't hesitate, he abandoned Castiel's hand for a much better place on his cheek. He rested it there momentarily, caressing a small spot beneath the blue eye he'd fallen for so long ago before he pushed it back into the dark hair he wished was a bit messier. Opting to make it a mess himself he pulled Cass forward, meeting his lips with a hunger he had only discovered moments before.
The kisses were sweet at first; First kisses usually are. The small pecks soon grew into a series of licks and bites, tongues thrashing against teeth which bit against lips which sucked on one another. It was a vicious yet pleasing circle that Dean never wanted to end. Eventually their breathing became labored and Dean pulled away, his forehead resting against Castiel's briefly as he caught his breath and he looked down at where Cass was now resting between his legs as he sat on the hood of his car. Dean couldn't help the smile that grew on his face, and could help the laugh that escaped even less. Soon he and Cass were thrown into a frenzy of laughs and small kisses as they looked openly at one another. Dean did his job well and Castiel's hair was a mess, the way it was when they first met, the way Dean liked it.
"Cass, this is crazy." Dean said, slightly growling as he held onto the angel's arms, afraid he might disappear. Which was a logical fear, knowing Castiel.
"But it's right." Cass said softly, and Dean decided he wanted to hear that tone from Castiel always.
"It is... It's... This is... What is this?" Dean found himself asking, afraid of the answer, knowing what it was he wanted. Castiel didn't reply at first, he sunk his lips into Dean's hair and stroked at the back of his head. Dean soon found his face buried into the angel's neck as he did this, it was comforting. It was steadfast becoming the hunter's favorite new position to be in with the angel, though he was sure there would be other positions he favored soon enough.
"It's goodbye." Castiel said, so maybe no new positions.
"What?" Dean asked, panic settling in slightly as he pushed back against the angel and looked up wide-eyed at him, "This is what?" He asked again, just in case Cass hadn't heard.
"I'm going to leave this vessel, Dean. I'm going to return to heaven." Castiel said bluntly, tears welling up behind his eyes that Dean knew were just for him.
"Why?" He asked, his own tears threatening to spill down his cheeks, "You can't leave me, Cass. I still need you." His voice broke slightly, but he wasn't ashamed.
"You'll be fine without me." Cass said, though his voice was unsure.
"No." Dean shook his head, his eyes falling for just a moment, long enough that tears spilled over and down his cheeks, "No, Cass." He looked back up, those blue eyes still staring down at him apologetically and he wished he could return to a moment before when they were full of adoration.
"I'm sorry." He said, his eyes falling shut and the tears flowing freely. Dean had never seen Castiel break down, and this moment would stick in his memory as he fell forward, his head resting on Dean's shoulder as he let the small sobs escape, his shaky breaths tickling Dean's neck. The hunter wrapped his arms around his angel and let him cry for a moment.
"How do you even know Jimmy is still alive in there? You've been torn apart and put back together so many times, Cass." Dean said it softly, as if he was giving the angel an out so he didn't have to feel bad, "Besides, I just got you. You literally just told me you love me and now you want to leave? That's bullshit, Cass, and you know it." Cass stopped shaking for a moment backed up, his wet red-rimmed eyes staring deeply into Dean's as he leaned forward, kissing the hunter. It was a tear-soaked kiss, but it was just as amazing as the others, more meaningful somehow.
"I have to let him live." Castiel said, "I'd be selfish to be happy with you, but not allow Jimmy to be happy with his family. With the people he loves."
"So? Be a little selfish for once, it's not a sin." Dean smirked and Castiel smiled, "There's that smile I love." He said, a breathy laugh escaping and he wanted to kiss that smile, to devour it and never let it go.
"But it's not mine." Cass said suddenly and Dean opened his mouth to reply, but quickly shut it, realizing it was the truth. He sighed, pressing his head into Castiel's chest as he gripped the angel's back, not wanting to let him go. Cass ran fingers through Dean's hair as he searched for what to say. He moved his hands down and cupped the man's face, turning his head up so he could look at him, "You might have to let me go now, Dean. But I will always be here. You'll know it when I am." He moved a hand down to Dean's shoulder, "We're connected." Dean rolled his eyes to the side and tried to turn his head to hide his tears but Cass held him there, not letting him turn away. So Dean kissed his palm instead, resting his head against the hand he'd so longed to hold, so he held it. He brought his hand up and covered Castiel's interlocking their fingers.
"We should have done this sooner." Dean laughed, smiling up at his angel who smiled back down at him.
"Yes, we should have."
"It was never the right time."
"No, it wasn't." Cass laughed.
"Between you getting duped by Metatron and me turning into a demon..." Dean began, pulling Castiel's hand down to his lap and he began to rub circles on the back of it.
"Let's not forget about me trying to be God, or the apocalypse." Castiel added with a smile.
"Could have happened in Purgatory." Dean shrugged, smiling up at Cass who rolled his eyes.
"Right, with Benny there and us running for our lives. We could have stopped to have a heartfelt pow wow at any moment." Castiel's sarcasm was strong.
"We've been really busy." Dean laughed, gripping Cass' hand tight.
"We really have." Castiel said, sighing sadly as he looked up at the sky, seemingly searching for something.
"So what happens if you exit Jimmy's body and he drops dead? Can you climb back in and we can live happily ever after?" Dean asked, anticipating the answer he almost already knew.
"No. I cannot get permission from a corpse... So..." Cass seemed almost hesitant now, unsure if Jimmy would be in there. He'd been proclaimed brain dead before, but Castiel was still in there, the wall he'd built was still up.
"Damn..." Dean sighed, "No chance of getting you to stay? Even if I asked nicely?" He smiled fakely and Cass laughed.
"I'm sorry." Cass said quietly, looking down at their intertwined hands.
"I'd ask for a little more time, but you're pretty set on this..." Dean sighed sadly, pushing himself up off of the impala.
"I am." Cass confirmed, though he sounded like he might be trying to convince himself.
"Alright, well if this is the last chance I'll have to kiss you..." Dean said and leaned in, his free hand cupping Castiel's cheek, his lips soft and giving as he caressed Castiel's tongue with his own. The kiss was slow and agonizing, every second that passed made Dean want to cry, but he held back. When it ended and they broke apart, Dean stepped back, releasing Castiel's hand. He breathed deeply, his green eyes meeting with Castiel's blue ones for probably the last time. "I love you, Castiel, angel of the lord."
"And I, you, Dean Winchester." Cass half smiled, tightlipped, "Goodbye."
"See ya." Dean half waved as he pushed his hands into his pockets as Cass tilted his head up towards the sky, his mouth falling open as a blue mist escaped it. It circled around Dean for a moment before it continued up. Dean lost sight of it as he looked back at the now vacant vessel. It stood rocking for a moment before the eyes opened. Dean caught the blue eyes in his, but immediately understood that it wasn't Castiel looking back at him.
"Hi Dean." Jimmy said, his voice completely different from the angel's, "Long time no see." He scratched his head awkwardly.
"You remember everything, don't you?" Dean asked.
"Uh," He cleared his throat, nodding and looking around, "I do. Yeah..."
"Alright, give me a moment, I'll wake Sam up, we'll take you home." Dean sighed, walking past Jimmy.
"Thank you." Jimmy said, leaning against the impala.
"Don't do that." Dean said, turning back momentarily to look at the still trench-coat clad man who was quickly standing. Dean went inside and woke up Sam.
"Huh?" Sam sputtered awake as Dean shook him, "What's up? What's wrong?" He asked, hopping out of bed and fumbling for the light. When he turned it on, he saw Dean's eyes, wet and red, "Are you ok? What happened?" He looked around for signs.
"Uh..." Dean scratched at the back of his head and cleared his throat, "Cass is gone."
"What? What do you mean, gone?" Sam asked, running his hands through his hair.
"I mean, he felt bad so he went bye bye. We've gotta take Jimmy back to Illinois." Dean replied, picking his bag up off the floor and throwing it onto the bed. He sat on the edge and began angrily tugging on his shoes.
"Jimmy!?" Sam exclaimed, running to the window and looking out to see Jimmy standing awkwardly bobbing his head to something.
"Yes, Jimmy Novak, Castiel's vessel. We're taking him home." He stood up, slinging his bag over his shoulder, "You coming?" He turned and began walking away.
"Yeah, I'm coming... Dean!" Sam said, stopping his brother from heading out the door, he turned back, his eyes wide with anger and annoyance, Sam knew it was all for show, "Are you ok?" He asked and Dean let his facade falter for a moment before breathing deeply and turning to walk out of the room.
"I have to be." He shrugged and closed the door behind him. After a couple minutes Sam joined them and they hit the road.
Dean was 35, driving down the street with his little brother in the front seat next to him. The road they were on wasn't very well lit, every street light they drove under seemed to burn out. The hunter wasn't scared, just annoyed and the headlights weren't doing their job.
They passed under one well lit light that burst into a cascade of sparks as they drove under it and Sam breathed a small laugh. Dean looked over at him, confusion marking his face.
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing, just..." He looked up at a light as they passed under it and it too burnt out, "You think that's him? That's Cass, watching over us?" Dean's eyes widened as he looked back to the road, his eyes catching a light as it went out and he smiled, rubbing a hand over his shoulder as he did so.
"Yeah, yeah I do."
Now I know that we've learned on Supernatural that Jimmy doesn't actually exist anymore, and Cass couldn't actually vacate the body and return to it... Soooo... Y'know... I just wanted to give them a sad, yet happy, ending. Idk what made me think of this. I'm a monster, OKAY!?
