Russian Sayings
There were fuzzy dice hanging from his rearview mirror. The entire ride I gazed at them while he spun me stories about the open rode. I touched my fingers to the black dots and pet them when we crossed our first state line. He turned his head just enough to wink at me,"Ah, yes…the female philosophy: if it's pink it must be good."
"You have such an overwhelming understanding of women, Craig. It's makes me all a-flutter in my naughty parts," I bit before turning to gaze out the window.
He laughed loudly at the bitterness in my voice, "Relax, it was a joke."
"How much longer to the hotel?" I asked fumbling with the zipper on my jacket.
"I don't know, two hours, maybe three…"
I let him trail off and focused on the trees. New York state was beautiful. So many varieties of trees each a different shade of green. The sky in this part of the road had this glow to it as the sun faded. I wanted to take a picture and save it forever. I wanted to remember this moment, when everything meant something. "Pull over," I ordered.
"Why? There's nothing around," Craig reasoned darting his eyes over at me.
"I want to take a picture."
"Of the absolute nothing?"
"Maybe if you focus on something other than how fucking bitter you are, you'd see how beautiful the skylight is. Weaving light in and out of the trees…it's perfect."
He slowed down some and pulled over to the roadside, "Five minutes," he warned. "I will leave you."
"Aren't you sweet," I mocked unbuckling and climbing out of the car. I dug my camera out of my duffle in the back seat before hopping onto the trunk of the car, "You should get out and look around," I shouted to Craig.
"Nature isn't my thing, Elle."
"My name isn't Elle…God that's not even a name, just a letter. No one gets to call me that."
"I could be the deviation from the rule."
"Or not…" I muttered as his car door slammed.
"So what are we looking at?"
"The sky, the mountains, the trees…take your pick."
"The Catskill"
"What?"
"That mountain range, it's called the Catskill."
"Don't you just know it all…" I whispered turning towards him.
"There's a guide book in my bag with the maps. I had to plan out our drive, you know."
"How far ahead have you planned?"
"So far just to Alabama…we're working our way back north through Tennessee, I just have to figure it out on paper."
"How long?"
"Who cares…we're taking our time. It could be years before we're back in Canada."
"No it couldn't…Emma's pregnant, remember?"
"So we make adjustments along the way. We live like gypsies now."
"Until you run out of money…then what?"
"We're stopping in Virginia to work. A couple of months doing retail, saving everything we can then we'll head back out. We'll stop every few states. When she gets too pregnant to work, we'll just work more shifts. She can take up knitting. We're not going back until the journey is over."
I paused and looked up at him, "You're being really sweet. Why?"
"Everyone needs friends…us more than anyone."
"Emma's already at the hotel?"
"I think she's been waiting for us since last week," he joked. "She bought a van…it's a step down from an RV. She wanted us to have options and, you know, hotels frown on RVs in the parking lots…trailor parks frown on twenty-somethings sleeping in cars. All the typical stereotypes."
"What are you gonna do with the car?"
He pulled out a cigarette cupping around his mouth to light it, "Sell it when we get to Hyde Park." He took a puff then faced me again, blowing his smoke upwards. "I made reservations for something called American Bounty…it's one of the Culinary Institute's restaurants. I thought it would do us well to experience American Cuisine at its best. You know, before we fell victim to every pretzel dtand in the world."
"You've had this car for years…and you'll just get rid of it like that?" I snapped my fingers on the word 'that' to emphasize my point.
"Too many memories," he shrugged.
I looked down at my hands solemnly. Moments passed between us as he finished his cigarette. "Manny?" I finally whispered before he turned to get back in the car.
"Yeah…and all her ghosts. You know, there's this Russian saying, "Te ze znalsh something…I don't know. My drummer used to say it meant, "This is how things must be." I think about that…a lot. I used to live it. Now…I don't know…we can change anything, right? That's what they were always telling us in highschool…we can change the world." He turned back to me then, "Let me take your picture with your sky-line."
"No…you should get in it too. We'll put the timer on and set in on the roof."
He nodded and stood a couple feet into the grass so I could set up the shot. I pressed the timer and rushed to stand beside him. He wrapped an arm around my waist and my mouth opened in a little 'o' with shock. Before I had pulled myself together the flash went off before my eyes. "We should take it again," I whispered.
"Why?" he asked staring down at me.
"I wasn't ready."
"We're never ready…even when we think we are," he reasoned. "Candid is the best kind of memory." Then he turned away from me and climbed back into the car.
I looked at the picture on my digital camera's display and sighed. This was going to be one hell of a "journey." Craig revved the engine and I rushed back into my seat. He looked at me with laughter in his eyes, "I wouldn't really leave you on the side of the road."
"How can I be sure? The Craig I knew in Toronto was always running from everything."
"Ouch," he muttered spitefully pulling back onto the road. "And what about you, Ellie? You never run? That's not why you're here? Because life back home was too painful to watch?"
"That's different. Sean. Sean's different."
"It's not. It's not different just because you want it to be."
I reached over to press play on the CD player in his car.
" I am waiting to find you, finding yourself
I am waiting for you to see me, seeing you
Just like it was the first time."
"You have your own CD in the stereo?" I asked, "That's self-righteous…even for you."
"I was trying to…I was trying to trace my steps, figure out where it all went wrong."
I scoffed and ejected the CD, "I can answer that one for you."
"Yeah? Enlighten me," he barked bitterly.
"The day you picked her over me," I said with a lot more conviction then I felt.
He whistled low in his throat while I searched for a different CD. "I didn't expect you to be so blunt."
"I didn't expect you to be picking at old scabs. You know, if you let them, they heal."
He stared me down bitterly, "Yeah? Thanks for the advice; want to talk about Cameron now?" My mouth snaps shut and he smirks, "That's what I thought. You…you were so hung up on me "picking you." But why, Ellie? Was it really about me? Or was it just because no one had ever picked you before?"
I slapped him soundly for that comment. I'm not even sure how I managed, the way we were driving. Then I just crumpled into myself staring at my hand. He looked like he wanted to respond but my tears silenced him. I threw my headphones and refused to look up from my lap. I was through two CDs before I acknowledged him again. "I'm sorry," I mumbled half-heartedly.
"Don't be; I deserved it. I can…I'm an ass when I feel backed in a corner."
"Maybe this trip…me coming…maybe it wasn't such a great idea."
"No, Ellie…I want you here."
"We can't get along for more than three hours at a time."
"We'll learn—"
"Or we'll kill eachother."
"It'd be a good way to go. I—I like this. It feels right. Like I'm doing it right this time. The next exit is ours. And, look, if you really don't want to come…you can bow out in Hyde Park. I'll sell you the car for cheap and you can drive home. But Elle…I want you with us. It feels good driving beside you."
He sounded so sincere and I wanted to ask him: about Manny, about his last road trip, about what happens next. But I couldn't find the words. It felt like I could never find the words. He started paying attention to street signs when we pulled off at our exit. "My phone's in the ash tray, call Em and find out where she is."
I reached towards the small blue box obligingly pressing 'seven' on his speed dial. "Emma? It's Ellie. We just pulled off on the Hyde Park exit. Where are you…the Denny's?"
"Which one?"
"Craig wants to know which one…the one by the skeeball place a block after our hotel."
"Tell her we're less than fifteen minutes away. Ask her if she ate yet."
"We'll…haha, she says she can hear you and no, she had lunch five hours ago but so far she's just been drinking water and pissing off the waitress."
"Ask her to order me some hotcakes."
"No. Emma, don't you dare order him any food. We'll see you shortly. We'll order then…bye." I hung up the phone and tossed it back into the ashtray, "How lazy are you? You can't wait an extra thirty minutes?"
"I've been driving for thirteen hours. You sleep. You eat slushies and hot dogs while I fill up the gas tank. I'm hungry; sue me."
"Are you sure you're in any position to ask for another law suit?" I quip. My eyes outlined his jaw, trying to anticipate his response. I was hoping for laughter.
He smiled, "Touche…I paid my lawyer too much last year as it was."
I smiled back at him and reached up to touch the dice again, "I think these should be our good luck charm," I told him.
"Manny bought them. To remind me that we were a gamble…like I ever fucking forgot."
"On second thought, who needs charms."
"No, I think you're right. We should take them. They've never been lucky before…they owe us."
I laughed at his reasoning, "Okay then, ugly pink dice are our symbol of rebirth."
He pulled into the Denny's parking lot and I looked through the windows for Emma. I saw her trying to get a salt shaker to stand on its side and quickly unbuckled. I ran in and slid into the booth beside her, "Emma. God is it good to see you."
She laughed loudly and I was grateful to hear it again. She kissed my cheek, "I missed you too. So much, Nora…so much."
"How's the baby feeling today?" Craig asked joining us at the table.
"He's doing well…earlier today he was rolling over, trying to get comfortable. It hurt like hell so I'm really hoping he's happy where he's at now."
"So it's a boy? What'd Jay have to say?"
"He's happy…really happy. And, you know, sad at the same time. He wants to be here, obviously. He's pissed he'll miss the birth, he's pissed he can't feel him kicking or hear his heartbeat. He's completely rational…it scares me sometimes."
"I told him the army was a bad idea. They take their time right when you need it most," I sighed.
"Yeah, but we have to look at the positives too…no college bills and a steady income. It's not the worst."
I looked over at Craig who was frantically trying to lure the waitress over with his eyes. "Come on, baby, flaunt the popstar in you," I teased.
"Hello, that's what I was doing. She must be gay."
"Or maybe she just doesn't recognize you…" Emma muttered.
I mock gasped and Craig scowled slightly, "See if I pay for your dinner now, Hogart."
Emma laughed. Craig and I followed suit; it was hard not to. It was great to see one of your closest friends still happy even after life had pulled all its worst tricks on her. It gave me hope. I had missed hope.
