Title: My Thoughts.
Author: Amaroqwolff82
Author's Notes: I wasn't depressed when I wrote this Surprisingly.
Anything with in these ** Are his thoughts.
Synopsis: The thoughts of One Jeff Hardy over several months.
Author's Dedications: To My Three B's.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, quite seriously if I owned anything I wouldn't
be living with my Sister, in a Dorm room. With My Car over 3 hours away.
So, yeah, I don't own anything!
------ *I can't stand this anymore, the pain, the suffering, the betrayal. I don't know what to do, I feel as if I've jumped in headfirst and there's no way out. Oh, god I don't know what to do anymore. I've come to a point, a crossroads, In my life. I don't even know who I am anymore. They all show me one path, I want to break free of these restraints and go my way. I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm not good enough. FUCK! Why not? I've worked hard all my life. I've struggled and clawed my way just like everyone else.*
Jeff Hardy closed the notebook and looked down at the bright red cover. He reached up with one hand and ran it across his eyes to make sure he wasn't crying. He hadn't cried in years, and he didn't plan on starting it now so soon after loosing his brother to fame and fortune. His own brother had stabbed him in the back leaving him alone to fend for himself. He blinked rapidly and sighed shaking his head. Well he could fend for himself. He climbed to his feet and dropped the notebook into his bag; He looked at his face in the mirror. He couldn't think about that right now he had a match to fight. He pushed his hair out of his face and hurried out of the dressing room and outside. He walked down the hall past all the people who had once been his friends. But, in the last few months he had taken to staying away from them. It was just easier on him that way. He spied the person he was teaming with that night, and walked towards them and stood there waiting to be acknowledged.
Jericho turned and spied Hardy and sighed. Everyone was worried about the kid but sense his brother had jumped ship to Smackdown there was no one who could get him to talk. He smiled reassuringly at Jeff.
"You ready for this match?" He asked.
Jeff nodded. "Yeah," he responded.
Jericho sighed again and almost said something else but his music started and he had to go out. Jeff saw Jericho sigh and looked like he was going to say something then he had turned his back and left. Jeff had gotten used to all that sense his brother had left. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then prepared to bounce down the ramp as his music started.
*I can't take this Pain anymore, The words running through my veins pushing me to keep going, am I not good enough? Can't I do just as good as the rest of them? I've been around the block a time or two. I'm not fun loving and as easy going as they all make me out to be. God Damn it why can't they hear the screaming inside? *
Jeff walked silently into his hotel room ready to just go to sleep, to be alone again. He was so used to being alone. He walked into the bathroom and stood looking at himself in the mirror. He felt something breaking inside and he wanted to end the pain. He stood looking silently at the razor only inches from his hand. He began shaking in desperation wanting to have someone come in and hold him close to tell him it would be okay. To tell him there was nothing to worry about. But, no that person was gone. He felt his chest tightening around his lungs making it hard to breathe. He swallowed trying not to cry. He couldn't cry he wasn't a child anymore he no longer needed to cry. He stared hard at the sink trying to ignore the sharp blade that could end all this suffering in his head. Make it all stop hurting. He yanked his hand away in horror and turned from the bathroom. Only to stop and turn and stare into his own eyes. They were so dark and haunted. What had happened to him? What was making him act this way? He closed his eyes and lowered his head and left the bathroom unable to even think about being in near the temptation of release from death. He slipped silently into the bedroom part of the hotel room and curled up on the bed, wrapping himself in the pillow and blanket never wanting to come out again. He was alone in this world and would be alone in the next.
*I can't take this betrayal. I've followed them watched them listened to them, learned from them. But they all just take me for granted. "Ha!" What would they do with out me? I bet they wouldn't even realize I was even gone. Would they? Oh, god please tells me, would they even know or acknowledge I was gone? * He sat silently on the edge of the roof looking down. No he didn't have the guts to jump. No not that brave. Hell he jumped off the top rope once a night. He closed his eyes allowing the cool wind to buffet his body and push him away from the edge. No, that wasn't how he planed to do it anyway. No.the Razor in the bathroom. The one he had kept sense that night. Sense this horrible thought had been forming in his head. He turned and headed for the door only to run into his child hood friend. Gregory helms,
"Hey," Helms said trying to look in his friends eyes to see if he could figure out what was bothering his chum.
Jeff just nodded his head and tried to slip around Helms. Helms grabbed his arm and pulled him back looking at him studying him. "Jeff if you need to talk I'm here." He said.
A beam of pure undying light burned its way down into Jeff's soul. It gave him a moment of hope thinking that perhaps someone did care. When he looked up though he saw Helms looked distracted by something. Jeff shook his head the light fading as he lost his gentle grip on reality again. "No, I'm okay." He said
He shrugged his friend's hand off and walked through the door to go back inside. To go to his room and down to his fate. A fate he had been planning for way to long. He stepped into the cool dark room of his hotel and slowly sat down on the bed. He picked up first his cell phone and dialed his brother's number. As sad and alone as he had become he still couldn't leave without saying goodbye.
"Hello?" His brother's voice said in his ear.
Jeff closed his eyes holding the phone tightly. He felt a warm wetness streak down his cheek from his eyes. He had to say it. He had to tell Matt. "Ma-" he sobbed softly unable to say it.
"Jeff?" Came the gentle query. "What's going on Jeff?"
"I don't want to go Matt." Jeff sobbed into the phone. "I don't want to go but I have to." He whispered shaking uncontrollably. "I have to go Matt."
"Go where Jeff?" Matt asked frightened by his brother's sobbing. "Jeffy talk to me--where are you going."
"I'm going to go away." He whispered in response. "I'm going to go away and not come back." He paused. "No more pain--no more suffering." He choked down another sob. "I just wanted to say.I just wanted to say.Goodbye." He whispered barley able to breathe and he hung up the phone.
Jeff looked down at the Razor sitting so deadly still on the bedside table. He slowly picked it up and studied the shining blade. He drew it across his thumb and hissed in pain. He closed his eye tears leaking out again and he placed the blade to his wrist and pulled. He opened his eyes again and stared at the red blood welling from the cut he had made. He took the Razor blade in his other hand and gazed at it for a second. Then slowly placed it to his other wrist and ripped it across the flesh on that wrist. He couldn't stand it any longer. He fell back on the bed and lay there waiting for it to all ends.
*God I can't do this anymore-every day is even more painful then the last. They when they see me they whisper. They all know what I've done. But I only did it to silence the screaming inside. I only did it to make the pain more real. For you all, I did this so you can see I'm not here just for your amusement. God damn it why can't you see that. Why is it that all you see is a clown? Someone to make you laugh. Well, fuck! Even clowns feel sadness and pain. I mean Fuck, even Clowns cry. *
Jeff walked beside his brother trying to ignore those staring eyes. His wrists had sense heeled but they hurt still. Every once in awhile tears would just spring up in Jeff's eyes and he wouldn't be able to go on till the attack ended. He wasn't mentally stable or sound. And everyone knew it. It so much to know that what he had done may have ended his pain if he had seceded. But, it would have caused so much pain for all those he cared about. Again tears sprang into his Aqua blue eyes and he froze in step. His brother moved quickly to his side as he watched his younger brother racked by painful sobs.
It was odd watching his brother cry. Matt hadn't seen or heard his brother cry sense there mother had passed away. His brother had locked away all his emotions to protect himself from pain. But, in doing so he had hurt him more then helped him. Matt wrapped his arms around his brother holding him letting him cry.
"Its all right Jeffy." He whispered smoothing his brother's hair.
Jeff huddled against his brother his bony shoulders heaving with his body racking sobs. "I'm so sorry Matt." He whispered around the sobs. "I didn't want to hurt you or anyone else." He whispered tears soaking into his brothers black T-shirt. "I'm so sorry."
"I know Jeffy, I know." Matt said soothingly still rubbing his brother's back. "I'm here for you Jeff I'm always here for you."
Jeff continued crying slowly regaining control of himself. Matt stood there patiently the whole time staying with him and holding him close telling him that he was there for him.
*I'm more then just someone who is there for you, I'm begging for help and you just-you just turn your back and walk away. You left me, and never even though nothing of it. God, Damn it I'm only human, Only human, God I'm only human.*
------ *I can't stand this anymore, the pain, the suffering, the betrayal. I don't know what to do, I feel as if I've jumped in headfirst and there's no way out. Oh, god I don't know what to do anymore. I've come to a point, a crossroads, In my life. I don't even know who I am anymore. They all show me one path, I want to break free of these restraints and go my way. I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm not good enough. FUCK! Why not? I've worked hard all my life. I've struggled and clawed my way just like everyone else.*
Jeff Hardy closed the notebook and looked down at the bright red cover. He reached up with one hand and ran it across his eyes to make sure he wasn't crying. He hadn't cried in years, and he didn't plan on starting it now so soon after loosing his brother to fame and fortune. His own brother had stabbed him in the back leaving him alone to fend for himself. He blinked rapidly and sighed shaking his head. Well he could fend for himself. He climbed to his feet and dropped the notebook into his bag; He looked at his face in the mirror. He couldn't think about that right now he had a match to fight. He pushed his hair out of his face and hurried out of the dressing room and outside. He walked down the hall past all the people who had once been his friends. But, in the last few months he had taken to staying away from them. It was just easier on him that way. He spied the person he was teaming with that night, and walked towards them and stood there waiting to be acknowledged.
Jericho turned and spied Hardy and sighed. Everyone was worried about the kid but sense his brother had jumped ship to Smackdown there was no one who could get him to talk. He smiled reassuringly at Jeff.
"You ready for this match?" He asked.
Jeff nodded. "Yeah," he responded.
Jericho sighed again and almost said something else but his music started and he had to go out. Jeff saw Jericho sigh and looked like he was going to say something then he had turned his back and left. Jeff had gotten used to all that sense his brother had left. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then prepared to bounce down the ramp as his music started.
*I can't take this Pain anymore, The words running through my veins pushing me to keep going, am I not good enough? Can't I do just as good as the rest of them? I've been around the block a time or two. I'm not fun loving and as easy going as they all make me out to be. God Damn it why can't they hear the screaming inside? *
Jeff walked silently into his hotel room ready to just go to sleep, to be alone again. He was so used to being alone. He walked into the bathroom and stood looking at himself in the mirror. He felt something breaking inside and he wanted to end the pain. He stood looking silently at the razor only inches from his hand. He began shaking in desperation wanting to have someone come in and hold him close to tell him it would be okay. To tell him there was nothing to worry about. But, no that person was gone. He felt his chest tightening around his lungs making it hard to breathe. He swallowed trying not to cry. He couldn't cry he wasn't a child anymore he no longer needed to cry. He stared hard at the sink trying to ignore the sharp blade that could end all this suffering in his head. Make it all stop hurting. He yanked his hand away in horror and turned from the bathroom. Only to stop and turn and stare into his own eyes. They were so dark and haunted. What had happened to him? What was making him act this way? He closed his eyes and lowered his head and left the bathroom unable to even think about being in near the temptation of release from death. He slipped silently into the bedroom part of the hotel room and curled up on the bed, wrapping himself in the pillow and blanket never wanting to come out again. He was alone in this world and would be alone in the next.
*I can't take this betrayal. I've followed them watched them listened to them, learned from them. But they all just take me for granted. "Ha!" What would they do with out me? I bet they wouldn't even realize I was even gone. Would they? Oh, god please tells me, would they even know or acknowledge I was gone? * He sat silently on the edge of the roof looking down. No he didn't have the guts to jump. No not that brave. Hell he jumped off the top rope once a night. He closed his eyes allowing the cool wind to buffet his body and push him away from the edge. No, that wasn't how he planed to do it anyway. No.the Razor in the bathroom. The one he had kept sense that night. Sense this horrible thought had been forming in his head. He turned and headed for the door only to run into his child hood friend. Gregory helms,
"Hey," Helms said trying to look in his friends eyes to see if he could figure out what was bothering his chum.
Jeff just nodded his head and tried to slip around Helms. Helms grabbed his arm and pulled him back looking at him studying him. "Jeff if you need to talk I'm here." He said.
A beam of pure undying light burned its way down into Jeff's soul. It gave him a moment of hope thinking that perhaps someone did care. When he looked up though he saw Helms looked distracted by something. Jeff shook his head the light fading as he lost his gentle grip on reality again. "No, I'm okay." He said
He shrugged his friend's hand off and walked through the door to go back inside. To go to his room and down to his fate. A fate he had been planning for way to long. He stepped into the cool dark room of his hotel and slowly sat down on the bed. He picked up first his cell phone and dialed his brother's number. As sad and alone as he had become he still couldn't leave without saying goodbye.
"Hello?" His brother's voice said in his ear.
Jeff closed his eyes holding the phone tightly. He felt a warm wetness streak down his cheek from his eyes. He had to say it. He had to tell Matt. "Ma-" he sobbed softly unable to say it.
"Jeff?" Came the gentle query. "What's going on Jeff?"
"I don't want to go Matt." Jeff sobbed into the phone. "I don't want to go but I have to." He whispered shaking uncontrollably. "I have to go Matt."
"Go where Jeff?" Matt asked frightened by his brother's sobbing. "Jeffy talk to me--where are you going."
"I'm going to go away." He whispered in response. "I'm going to go away and not come back." He paused. "No more pain--no more suffering." He choked down another sob. "I just wanted to say.I just wanted to say.Goodbye." He whispered barley able to breathe and he hung up the phone.
Jeff looked down at the Razor sitting so deadly still on the bedside table. He slowly picked it up and studied the shining blade. He drew it across his thumb and hissed in pain. He closed his eye tears leaking out again and he placed the blade to his wrist and pulled. He opened his eyes again and stared at the red blood welling from the cut he had made. He took the Razor blade in his other hand and gazed at it for a second. Then slowly placed it to his other wrist and ripped it across the flesh on that wrist. He couldn't stand it any longer. He fell back on the bed and lay there waiting for it to all ends.
*God I can't do this anymore-every day is even more painful then the last. They when they see me they whisper. They all know what I've done. But I only did it to silence the screaming inside. I only did it to make the pain more real. For you all, I did this so you can see I'm not here just for your amusement. God damn it why can't you see that. Why is it that all you see is a clown? Someone to make you laugh. Well, fuck! Even clowns feel sadness and pain. I mean Fuck, even Clowns cry. *
Jeff walked beside his brother trying to ignore those staring eyes. His wrists had sense heeled but they hurt still. Every once in awhile tears would just spring up in Jeff's eyes and he wouldn't be able to go on till the attack ended. He wasn't mentally stable or sound. And everyone knew it. It so much to know that what he had done may have ended his pain if he had seceded. But, it would have caused so much pain for all those he cared about. Again tears sprang into his Aqua blue eyes and he froze in step. His brother moved quickly to his side as he watched his younger brother racked by painful sobs.
It was odd watching his brother cry. Matt hadn't seen or heard his brother cry sense there mother had passed away. His brother had locked away all his emotions to protect himself from pain. But, in doing so he had hurt him more then helped him. Matt wrapped his arms around his brother holding him letting him cry.
"Its all right Jeffy." He whispered smoothing his brother's hair.
Jeff huddled against his brother his bony shoulders heaving with his body racking sobs. "I'm so sorry Matt." He whispered around the sobs. "I didn't want to hurt you or anyone else." He whispered tears soaking into his brothers black T-shirt. "I'm so sorry."
"I know Jeffy, I know." Matt said soothingly still rubbing his brother's back. "I'm here for you Jeff I'm always here for you."
Jeff continued crying slowly regaining control of himself. Matt stood there patiently the whole time staying with him and holding him close telling him that he was there for him.
*I'm more then just someone who is there for you, I'm begging for help and you just-you just turn your back and walk away. You left me, and never even though nothing of it. God, Damn it I'm only human, Only human, God I'm only human.*
