AN - This my first fanfic, so any feedback (good or bad) would be greatly appreciated!

Sea Patrol and its characters do not belong to me.


Kate watches as the boat explodes. An orange fireball consumes the sky, and charred pieces of the boat rain down into the ocean. There is a flash and Kate finds herself in a RHIB searching among the remains of the boat which float on the water like puzzle pieces that will never fit back together. Beneath the surface of the water Kate sees a hand and reaches down to grab it, and then she sees Jim's face, bloodied and unblinking staring up at her from the depths.

"NO!" Kate shouts as she sits up in bed. Sweat moistens her forehead and she can feel her heart pounding in her chest as adrenaline rushes through her veins. The digits on the clock beside the bed glow 6:24AM in the eerie pre-dawn light. Kate untangles herself from the bed sheets, an indication that she spent most of the last night tossing and turning, only grabbing moments of sleep which mostly ended in nightmares. Having to witness the fiery end to Jim and Swains lives was the most horrible thing Kate has ever experienced, and reliving the moment each night in her dreams seems like an unjust cruelty.

It had been eight days since the terrorist's boat rigged with Semtex had exploded, claiming the lives of Jim and Swain. The Navy had granted the crew of the HAMS Hammersley two weeks of leave, starting immediately. Kate had returned to her house and was engulfed by a feeling of loneliness, she had drifted aimlessly around the house, the grief and shock of the accident making her feel numb and helpless. After two days Kate couldn't stand it anymore of it, pacing around the house absorbed in her grief was achieving nothing, she was still the executive officer of a warship, and there was always some sort of paperwork waiting to be done. The third day after the accident Kate found herself once again striding up the gangway of the Hammersley. Returning to her cabin Kate had sat down at the small desk and cast her eye over the personal mementos and photographs scattered around the cabin, she felt settled, this place was more like home than anywhere else.

For the next two days Kate shut herself in her cabin and focussed on paperwork, going through the routine of filling in reports offered a good distraction and it was only when she returned to her house at night that the loneliness and indescribable feeling of loss would return. When she boarded the Hammersley the following day she found a still hot cup of coffee waiting for her on the desk. Mike. Kate smiled to herself and the loneliness that had been haunting her suddenly didn't seem so overwhelming. She wasn't surprised that Mike was also on board Hammersley; Kate suspected that he probably hadn't left the ship since they had returned to base. The next day when Kate again found a cup of coffee waiting for her on arrival, she gathered up the paperwork and coffee, and moved to the wardroom where she knew Mike would be busy working on his own reports. Over the next two days Mike and Kate both worked together in the wardroom in comfortable silence, each appreciating the company of the other.

Today was different. There would be no paperwork today; instead there would be a memorial service for Jim and Swain. Kate had been simultaneously looking forward to, and dreading this day. It would be nice to have a chance to farewell Jim and Swain properly and have some closure, but the emotions that she had buried under paperwork would re-emerge and Kate knew should she would have to fight to keep her composure in public. In about an hour Mike would be arriving to pick up Kate so they could travel to the memorial service together, Kate had appreciated the gesture, liking the feeling that there was still someone out there who cared about her.

Kate goes through the motions of showering and dressing in her formal whites. The starchy white material of the uniform feels stiff and restricting against her skin. Moving across to the dressing table Kate catches a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror, despite her best efforts the exhaustion of the past eight days remains etched on her face, unable to be hidden under layers of make up. Tracing her fingers over the smooth, cool wood of the dressing table Kate opens one of the drawers and reaches to the back, where she retrieves a bundled handkerchief.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed Kate opens up the handkerchief to reveal a ring. The ring Jim gave her when he proposed to her on the deck of the Hammersley. The ring was tangible evidence of Jim's love for Kate, proof that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Kate knows that she could have been happy with Jim, he would have treated her well, given her a life worth remembering. She also knows she would never have been truly happy being married to Jim. She had seriously been considering Jim's proposal. That was until she had tried on the dress. Seeing herself in that dress had confirmed what deep down she had always known, the only answer to Jim's question was no. When she closed her eyes and imagined walking down the aisle the man waiting for her at the other end wasn't Jim, it never would be.

Jim had died thinking that there was a possibility that she was going to say yes. He didn't deserve that. He had deserved to have another woman love him as fully as he loved them. Kate felt the prick of tears in her eyes and quickly wiped them away, determined not to let them fall. She took a deep breath in an attempt to steady herself and stop the intense feeling of guilt which had her in its grip. Kate placed the ring safely in the pocket of the uniform, she could feel it through the fabric, a constant reminder of the love she had denied Jim.

Kate makes her way down to the kitchen where she prepares herself a cup of coffee. She sits at the kitchen table, enjoying the comfort of the warm mug against her hands, and watches as the world outside the window wakes up.