AN: I am SO close to completing the next chapter to Historical Precedence. But I wrote this to take a bit of a break and I like where this is going. It's a three part look into the regrets and emotions that linger after the events of DA:O in a epilogue where F!Cousland did her duty and married Alistair for the (perceived) good of Ferelden.
It's not so much a romance as an exploration of what time does to people and how sometimes we don't realize something about ourselves until we see it in others.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in DA:O, it all belongs to Bioware and EA.
Please let me know what you think - questions are welcome and comments (and constructive criticism) are all enjoyed!
Enjoy!
~Voi
She watched them from her small bedroom balcony, her long hair streaming behind her in the slight wind. Serious green eyes, Cousland eyes, followed the couple as they walked through the lush gardens that had for so long been her greatest pleasure.
Now looking at the great old trees, their limbs heavy with fruit, did nothing but feed the ache in her chest. Touching her belly and the flatness of it, Elissa swallowed against the pain the threatened to undo her careful composure.
A soft feminine laugh drifted up on the wind, lighthearted and rich with affection, it was soon joined by the warm laughter of a man.
It was a familiar sound, that laugh, one she had heard many times over the years. A precious gift, a rarity during the struggle to save Ferelden, it had once been her most treasured.
The melodic sound filled her with nothing now save a lingering regret.
Observing the woman who walked so closely beside the man she had called husband for these past seven years, the Queen could not help but commit such details to memory.
Chin length red hair and pale skin, the combination was so familiar when paired with those long tapered elven ears. Shianni had been her friend for many years, but that elven woman had had no particular love of human men.
The scarlet haired woman in the garden below could be only one other and though they had never been formally introduced the Queen recognized Shianni's cousin easily enough.
After all, hadn't she been the one to lead the diplomatic envoy responsible for the rescue of Ferelden citizens from the Tevinter slavers?
The mission had been horrendously expensive, and Elissa still bore the memories of visiting the slave markets to see her citizens freed, the stench of death and desperation suffocating. Even now, nearly a five years after the mission, she couldn't quite stomach looking at a map of that dark kingdom.
The sensation of sickness, the cloying coldness in the pit of her belly had only gotten worse when she had made this particular discovery.
Watching the two companions continue to converse, she felt her chest tighten further. She had lived with him long enough to read his body language, and Alistair was most certainly interested in the small elven woman. But he had always been, and no doubt would forever be, the faithful husband; and though his body spoke of attraction, he remained at a polite distance, his hands carefully folded behind his back.
When was the last time Alistair had looked at her with such frank affection, such adoration?
Below her the couple shared jokes as they walked around the pond, doing nothing more until suddenly Alistair tripped. Kallian had decidedly better reflexes than her human companion, and the elven woman was quick to steady her king.
"Are you alright?"
Elissa didn't have to be close to see the concern on the woman's face, the purity of worry that seemed so entirely directed at her companion, at Alistair. And though neither of them had intended as such, the lingering way they held one another, shamed Elissa with its honesty.
Kallian Tabris.
Elissa had heard her name more and more as the months had passed; first from Eamon, and then, from Alistair.
Her fingers clenched on the stone railing of the balcony as she turned away, unable to watch any longer.
She could feel the anger, hot and burning, sear her chest, as fresh as if it was the first time she had heard from Eamon about the king's mysterious new walking companion.
But with that anger came the strange ease of relief, of peace.
Withdrawing from the balcony, Elissa took a slow sighing breath as she entered her room, crossing to where her vanity stood. Opening the small silver box that held only her most precious things, she set aside the dried rose to search for something else entirely.
It glinted poorly in the dimness, but she knew what it was, had not forgotten this particular trinket.
A golden loop.
Her eyes traced its delicate shape for a long moment before she acted, following the path with a single finger before finally taking it in hand.
And when at last she held it up, bringing it into the streaming sunlight to reveal its true character, her heart thudded painfully in her chest at her secret.
Not a golden loop; it was an earring.
A token of affection.
Part of her laughed at how obvious the answer seemed now, while the other wept at a heart that continued to crack under the weight of what was to be done.
She loved Alistair. But not the way Kallian did…
She pressed the gold band to her lips and knew then what she had been unable to see before.
Not the way he had loved her…
She knew that now. Just as she had suspected in the years following their marriage. But hers was not a decision made lightly or without heartbreak. And there was no stopping the stinging of tears in her eyes as she summoned her lady's maid for what would be a final request.
"Milady?" A servant appeared at her elbow, "You desire something?"
"If you would please pack a trunk for travel, a few of the more simple gowns. There's no need to take the formal court gowns, so leave them."
"You're Highness?" There was confusion in the woman's voice but the Queen resisted elaborating on her orders.
"There will be no questions, Naoryn, please just do as I ask."
And as the elven servant scurried away Elissa picked up the scattered pieces of her heart and inhaled slowly, collecting what strength she could to free Alistair, free them both, and bring joy to the kingdom of Ferelden.
As it was, she didn't have to wait very long. It was just before dinner when Alistair appeared in the doorway of their bedroom, his expression one of heartfelt concern.
"What's going on, my love? Eamon said there was something you wished to tell me?"
Looking at her king, resplendent in the fine silk and satin of his doublet, Elissa wondered if she would be able to go through with her plan. She loved him, of that there could be no doubt, but she knew he wished for children, for the affection of a woman who wasn't day by day growing bitter with pain over a child that was not going to happen.
He needed the love of a woman who could love him unreservedly.
And the kingdom needed a child of the Theirin bloodline, if just because past sacrifices had deemed it important. As a Cousland this had been important to her once, and even now it was a struggle to let such a responsibility fall from her shoulders.
The tears started then as they had back atop the balcony, large warm droplets that spilled from the corners of her eyes and stained her cheeks.
"Elissa?!" Alarmed at her distress, Alistair crossed the room to where she sat, holding her comfortingly against his chest.
"It's been too much…these seven years…I thought I was strong enough to endure it." She sobbed, "But I can't. Seven years…and still there is no child."
Alistair pulled back with a start, heartbroken, "Why are you saying this?"
"Eamon…" She stopped suddenly realizing what she had said, shaking her head violently, "Nothing. Please, just release me from this union."
"Eamon?" Alistair repeated suspiciously as he released her, lowering himself to his knees so he could stare her in the eye, "What has he been saying to you?"
Elissa refused to say.
"Love, what has he been saying?"
"It is nothing I have not seen for myself."
"But what – "
"It's the elven woman, Kallian Tabris, Shianni's cousin; I know you care for her."
Alistair fell into a startled silence, his face too surprised to reveal anything else. And for a strained moment Elissa wonders if perhaps he'll deny what she can see so clearly. Indeed the evidence is there in the guilty expression on his face, he has always been such an open book with his emotions.
Touching the hand that lay comfortingly on her knee, Elissa gave it a gentle squeeze.
"She is so sweet, Alistair, and whole. A woman who will give you children before you must leave and she loves you. Do not think I am blind when it comes to you."
"I…" His brows furrowed as his eyes closed in agony, "I'm so sorry."
When at last he spoke, his voice was rough with emotion and he hugged her close, though to comfort whom even he did not know. "I know I should have said something…or told you. Said something."
He was, despite his mantel of 'King,' still very much the inexperienced Chantry boy she had met so long ago at Ostagar. And though time had toughened him ever so slightly, his sweet character remained almost wholly intact.
"You need not apologize, Alistair." Elissa smiled though part of her felt as if her heart was breaking, "I know you've done nothing more than talk or take small walks. Kallian sent me a letter, to beg my forgiveness for spending so much time with you and reassure me of the chaste nature of your relation."
Her smile faltered, "I can see how much you mean to her, and how very much in love she is with you despite the past I know she's had."
Alistair couldn't bear to look at her, the shame on his face aging him in a way that even the Blight had failed. Unable to help herself, her affection for him too strong to allow her to do otherwise, the young queen touched his arm, comforting though she was the one who hurt so terribly.
"Elissa, please...you know I married you because I love you."
She should have smiled at such innocence, but instead felt her smile slip further from her lips.
"There are many kinds of love, Alistair. Don't think I can't tell the difference now."
Unbidden came the image of Zevran into their midst, a wisp of memory that had haunted her more times than she cared to realize.
"He loved you." Alistair spoke softly, amber eyes watching her, "Do you regret turning him down now…to be loyal to me?"
"He loved us both in his way," Elissa couldn't help but smile, "And there was nothing I have done that I would ever regret, Alistair, even this."
"I will not force you away, Elissa Cousland. Do not think me heartless."
There were times when Alistair could act every inch the role of King, and now was such a time, the gentle hearted man transformed into the formidable ruler of Ferelden.
"You would rather your line end?" She sighed, "Live out the rest of your life childless in the name of loyalty, yes, I know you too, Alistair Theirin. But do not think me so easily swayed."
There was affection in her voice, a tenderness that for a moment reminded them of the love they had borne one another those many years ago.
"You love her more deeply than I can ever offer in return. That does not cheapen what we have, Alistair. It is in many ways just as Wynne warned all those years ago. Do you remember what she said?"
His expression was grave as he nodded.
"Is this truly what you want, Elissa?"
It would be the last time he asked, the last chance she had to change her mind. They were adults not children, and this decision was to change their world forever.
She kissed him softly on the jaw, patting it softly as she pulled away, "Let me go, Alistair. Be with Kallian…and when you hold your son in your arms for the first time, do me a favor?"
Alistair looked heartsick, but nodded slowly.
Elissa smiled slowly, tenderly, unable to help one last parting shot.
"Don't drop him."
He grinned then, a small one of surprise and recognition, a realization that despite this very large change to their relationship, they were still as close as they had been when the Blight ended. Taking her into his arms for one final time, he sighed as she clutched him back, accepting the bittersweet ache in her chest.
"Take care of yourself, Alistair." The words were mumbled into his shoulder, "And if you should ever need me, know that I will come to your aid, with a battalion of wardens if need be."
She closed her eyes to savor this moment, to truly hold him closebefore letting go.
"Come to the castle every once in a while," Alistair said softly, as melancholy descended on the pair, "Don't…just disappear."
Elissa smiled as she withdrew, "I won't. You know how much I love the current company."
She had nearly left the room before she realized she had nearly forgotten something, "Here...this is mine no longer."
She pulled the large ruby signet ring from her finger, "Your new queen will need this, don't you think?"
There was a flicker of pain in his eyes when he accepted the trinket back, "Elissa."
"I'm keeping the rose you gave me," she admitted after another echoing silence, "But I cannot in good conscious walk off with a precious family heirloom."
Nothing more could be said after that save for the final farewell, and as Elissa closed the door, leaving Alistair with his thoughts, she knew she had to leave immediately.
But she lingered, hand pressed on the door as if to somehow infuse it with all the remaining affection she had for him.
"Goodbye, Alistair."
And then she was moving down the hallway, away from the man she had loved once upon a time.
But before she could leave there was one last person she had to talk to. She found Eamon in his office, and for the first time since she had lived in the palace didn't bother knocking on the door before entering.
"You're Majesty?"
He stood up as she approached, deferring to the status of queen she no longer possessed.
"It is done." Elissa looked at Eamon, her eyes moist but voice steady, "I have given Alistair the freedom he needs, and returned the Queen's ring. May I consider myself free to leave?"
"Yes of course." The older Guerrin looked so tired, and not at all victorious. This decision had been made for the good of the kingdom and still that did not make their burden any lighter. "I am…sorry to have asked this of you."
"It is my duty to Ferelden," Elissa smiled with trembling lips, "Besides, Alistair loves her deeply, it is not so terrible for him. His love of an elven woman will heal the relations between the two peoples in Denerim, if not the whole of the kingdom."
The advisor nodded gravely, "It is…by all accounts an acceptable match."
The now ex-queen turned away from where he sat as his desk, "Look after him, Eamon. Let him be happy."
She moved towards the door, her full skirts fluttering around her in practiced grace.
"Milady, if I may be so bold to ask…where do you plan on going?"
Steel eyed determination had replaced the soft gaze of the woman who had sacrificed so very much. And though she was clad in the most fashionable silks, Eamon could almost imagine the dragon scale gauntlets on her hands, the sword she favored at her waist.
Queen she may no longer be, but Commander and Hero of Ferelden were not titles she would ever be able to leave behind.
"Lady Cousland?"
She paused in the doorway, her expression resolute. And though she looked the part of court woman, it was the Commander of the Grey who answered back.
"I'm going home, Eamon, to the Wardens."
