"Those are your Militant robes you're wearing?" Kirk said. "Or are they just ordinary robes?"
Kirk was helping Spock put his few things together in the cabin. His help certainly wasn't necessary, but he felt the need to stand by as a kind of honor guard.
"They are somewhat associated with the Outliers."
Spock reached into the small drawer above the bunk and removed the medals, slipped them into his pocket.
"Then don't wear them. Take the white ones."
Spock hesitated. "I notice you have a particular affinity for them."
Kirk smiled, feeling caught red-handed. "I do, but they are the best thing for you to wear. The red uniform shirt is right out. Not sure which is worse, Militant or Starfleet." He went to the locker and held out the white robes.
Spock slipped the brown ones off over his head. He'd put on a little weight which had softened the corded look of his muscles and sinew. Kirk stepped up and put his hands on the warm bare skin of his ribs, slid them around his back, waited for Spock to drop the robes before pulling him close.
Kirk tried hard to memorize the sense of completion that flooded him. "Sending you off is the toughest thing I've had to do in a long, long time."
"I do not expect that the delay in our meeting again will be as lengthy last time."
"Don't strain relations with the Federation, please," Kirk said. He tugged on Spock's shoulder-length hair to accentuate the point.
"I won't."
Kirk didn't kiss him. He'd done that last time and the absence had been months with a lot of trials in between. He held Spock firmly two long breaths. Stepped back.
"You are about to start shivering," Kirk said apologetically. He picked the white robes up off the bunk and helped Spock into them.
The comm whistled. "A private Vulcan vessel has dropped out of warp, mark 30, Commander."
Kirk pressed the switch. "Proceed to docking maneuvers." He thumbed off the switch and swallowed hard. "I can't believe I'm doing this."
"You are doing it because you are self-sacrificing."
Kirk rubbed the back of his neck. "Am I?"
"Very much so."
The comm whistled. "Docking initiated."
Kirk held out an arm indicating the cabin door. "Let's go sacrifice ourselves in that case."
Riley joined them in the corridor, matching Kirk's pace as they went. An audible clunk reverberated through the ship as they approached the portal.
"I hate sending you back to your parents."
Kirk sighed loudly, asked Riley to leave them alone. Riley nodded soberly and departed.
Kirk said to Spock, "Can I give you some advice? Don't give in. But don't fight unnecessarily. Don't make excuses. Don't explain yourself unless you are in a bone fide debate where both sides have a chance. That's important." He took Spock's arm and squeezed it very hard, knowing he couldn't injure him. "You deserve to get everything you want. But you have to work through other beings. Not around them. Got it?"
"I shall try, James."
"You're too damn young." Kirk let go and stepped back
The docking portal opened and Sarek stood on the threshold in the decorative robes he wore the first time Kirk had first seen him. He apparently hadn't sent his servant this time.
"Ambassador," Kirk said.
Spock stepped across to the other ship, turned his body halfway back toward the Ranger's hatch. He stood with hands clasped loosely before him. He looked very Vulcan and years older in the low angled blue-white light.
Sarek nodded to Kirk, made as if to depart, straightened again. "Commander Kirk."
Kirk took this as acknowledgement of something, but of what, he wasn't certain.
"Take care, Spock. You too, Ambassador." The second was difficult to say but it came out with equanimity.
The ambassador nodded, turned. Spock fell into step behind him and the portal hissed closed.
- 8888 -
Spock took the co-pilot's seat before Sten returned from duties below the main deck. They were only eleven hours and nine minutes from Vulcan at maximum warp. Sarek lowered himself into the pilot's seat and disengaged the interlock. Sten returned and had no choice but to hurriedly take a jump seat before warp engaged, which it did with the usual surge of the decks.
"The stabilizers could be redesigned to avoid the momentary aliasing in the control output," Spock said.
Sten said sharply, "The control is simple for a reason. It must always function."
Spock lifted his chin to be heard over his shoulder, "A secondary control could be attached via a servo, allowing for mechanical averaging which would only be effective during the period of aliasing."
Sten didn't reply.
Sarek said, "You have truly been doing engineering on a Starfleet vessel?"
Spock turned to him, kept his face expressionless. "Multiple vessels."
Many minutes passed. Sarek input their final course and sat back from the controls.
Sarek said, "What led you to the conclusion that you were qualified to do such important work?"
"I was deemed qualified by the Starfleet personnel in charge. Otherwise I would not have done the work. In the case of salvaging the defeated Outlier flagship, there was certainly no one to tell me to do otherwise."
Spock changed the monitor to display metadata about the star systems they were passing. He found himself more interested in the strategic implications of the planets close to the Federation core than previously.
Spock said, "Starfleet's mechanisms for learning are quite different from that on Vulcan. They let one attempt something one is unfamiliar with to see how one performs while someone observes. If that is successful, the tasks rapidly increase in difficulty. There is no bounding limit placed on this process. One can learn a great deal, very quickly."
"If one has the theoretical background upon which to base that practical application," Sarek said.
"Yes. That is helpful."
Sten snorted.
On the monitor the little marker for the Ranger slid out of view to the left. Spock took care to show no expression, but he felt a hollow opening up inside him.
"Perhaps you should meditate," Sarek said.
Apparently Spock had failed to remain expressionless. He pushed to his feet and passed Sten, who was quickly unhooking himself from the jumpseat. Sten was in the co-pilot's seat before Spock had climbed down out of the bridge.
Spock walked back to the row of three small guest cabins in the port aft quarter of the ship. He chose the cabin with a portal showing the stars beyond, closed the door behind him and lay down on the narrow bed in a meditative posture, with no intent to meditate.
He was there two hours, contemplating his situation, evaluating his emotions, when the door chimed and opened.
Spock sat up. In the doorway, Sarek said, "I would speak with you."
Spock followed to the plusher large quarters. His father closed the door and disabled the comm panel, presumably to keep Sten from listening in.
Sarek stood with his fingers interlocked before him, gaze inward. Spock knew what was coming, tried to imagine what James would do in his place. Cut him off. That's what he'd do.
Spock said, "I am well aware of what a disappointment I am."
Sarek didn't move. His expression remained exactly the same. He refused to offer a countermove.
Spock longed to be understood, for Sarek to appreciate the impossibility of Spock remaining put when he could take action that might make a difference. It wasn't Vulcan to do so. Perhaps it was impossible for Sarek to understand this. But James had told him to avoid explaining himself, so Spock did not attempt it. Wise advice. It was impossible, anyway.
Sarek finally spoke. "It goes beyond that, Spock."
Spock nodded. "I perhaps have outgrown the concept of mere disappointment."
"Making light of your situation is not going to assist your case." Sarek stepped to the wide portal at the foot of the bed and looked out. "There are calls to have you removed from our family."
"Calls by whom?"
"I will not engage in further gossip."
Spock resisted raising a brow. His father could see him in the portal's reflection.
"And your position on this proposal?" Spock asked.
This made Sarek turn. His gaze had grown sharp. "You have need to inquire?"
"This is a wholly unfamiliar situation. Assumptions are unwise."
"I am against it," Sarek said. "Since you have asked."
Spock bowed his head in a nod of acknowledgement.
"But my situation is precarious," Sarek said. "Since I have no control over you, I have no basis for using my influence in your favor."
"Where does T'Pau come down on this topic?"
"She will soon take a position on the Federation Council and her influence will be much reduced. Head of the family will fall to her cousin Surin, with whom you are not in favor."
Sarek raised his chin. "Do you wish to remain in this family, Spock?"
"Yes."
"You need to act as if you do. That means obeying."
Lacking James' advice, Spock would have launched into an explanation for why he could not in good conscience do this previously.
Instead, he said, "What do you command of me?" He tried to sound factual, but he heard defeat in his voice.
"For the short term, you will keep your mother company. You will undo the damage you have caused, both to her and to the broader family. You will do as I say."
Don't work around them, work through them.
Spock nodded.
"Are you acquiescing or pretending to?"
"I am acquiescing until such time as I have made good on the stipulations you just listed."
"And after that?"
"Am I an adult or am I not?"
Sarek dropped his hands, let them hang loose at his sides. "The humans have confused you as to your role. If you are in this family you are always beholden to it. You must chose to be in it or chose to be out of it."
Spock looked away. His gut was reacting with unease to this stark proposition. He was still Vulcan.
Sarek said, "We never treated you as special. I fail to see how you came to the determination that you were."
Spock felt his brow furrow and left it that way. "That is how you view this?"
"It is the only way to view it. You are either a part of Vulcan and this family and subject to the applicable standards of behavior or you believe in independent action, as you have been engaging in. Repeatedly."
Spock nearly insisted that he had no choice. But he didn't. He trusted James. His father was waiting for a reply.
"I see," Spock said.
"It is illogical to offer you another chance, but since you are my son, I am doing so anyway."
This was an unprecedented concession.
"I appreciate that, Father."
Spock wanted things both ways, but no one was going to bend to make that possible. And maybe James was right and Spock wasn't going to be offered a place at Starfleet Academy.
Spock put his hands into his robe pockets, felt the medals and the reaper token. He left them there. They had no place in this discussion. Perhaps not in any discussion. That was his father's real power, which was to decide what was relevant and what wasn't.
"If I might meditate, Father," Spock said.
Sarek gauged him. "You will refrain from touching this ship's systems during this voyage."
Spock straightened. "I had not intended to." Spock wanted to tell his father that he'd obey him from now on, unconditionally, just to get past the hard lump that had risen in his throat, the tightness constricting his breathing. But he couldn't do it and live with himself later.
At the doorway, Sarek said, "Perhaps in the future you will do me the favor of warning me before you intend to disobey me. It would help considerably to have some lead time to work with."
