Truth will out

For Matthew/Mary shippers who've seen up to episode 5 of Downton Abbey Series 2, I give you a little antidote for your heartache. I wrote this on Downton Day before episode 5 aired. Matthew behaves a little badly at one point so it seemed a bit wrong to post it once I saw the episode. Hopefully it will help tide us all over until the (inevitable, I hope) happy ending. Copyright disclaimer yada yada.

Matthew's stoicism in the face of his injury was widely admired by the family. What they didn't know was that he was prone to bursts of anger, frustration and despair that seemed to come from nowhere. While she understood it, Mary had been with him almost every hour of every day since he arrived at the hospital three months ago and her own forbearance was being sorely tested, particularly as he seemed to save these outbursts for Mary and, less often, Isobel.

They were taking a turn around the grounds, Matthew in his wheelchair, to escape the clamour of the house. Everyone around him, led by Isobel and Mary, was determined that he could and would walk again. So, on a particularly warm morning they found themselves under the tree where so many of their best and worst moments had played out. Whenever they were there the air seemed to crackle with tension so what transpired on this day was perhaps not surprising.

Mary helped Matthew out of his chair and held his hands as he took the few steps to the bench, offering words of encouragement along the way. His legs buckled as he turned to sit. He managed to land on the bench but to say it was ungainly would be kind. It clearly hurt, but Mary could see it was his pride that was most assaulted.

Mary took a very deep breath. She could sense his anger rising. Her heart was breaking for him but lately, as the rehabilitation became more intense, these eruptions were becoming more frequent and thus more trying.

She handed him his cane so he could steady himself. He smacked it away and it hit Mary on the bridge of her nose.

"Don't treat me like a bloody child!"

Her own blood was boiling now but she remained outwardly calm, if firm, when she replied.

"Matthew, for heaven's sake, you're alive and you have an army of people who care for you and love you."

"Really! What about you? Do you love me? Or are you just hanging around the cripple because no one else will have you?" He had no idea why he said it, any of it.

In his rages he really knew how to hurt her but this was a new low – taunting her not only with questions of love but also the scandal that nearly broke her family. After more than two years of burying her feelings so deep they were surely surfacing in Australia by now, Mary was heartily sick of it. And Matthew behaving as the jilted lover when he was engaged, and she was not, was simply too much. It was with barely concealed rage that she stood abruptly and answered him.

"I love you now, I loved you then and I've loved you every day in between. I will always love you, and I think you know that so please don't be so cruel as to ask me again."

She stalked off. It was all she could do not to run into the house. She was wild with anger, indignation and heartache.

"Nurse Stevens, Captain Crawley will need some assistance to return to the house. Will you see to him please."

As she took the stairs briskly, Isobel, who had heard her instructions, dismissed the nurse and said she would attend to Captain Crawley. She waited several minutes before approaching him. When she did he was staring straight ahead; it was not the thousand yard stare she was used to now, his eyes were full of shock and confusion. At least he's feeling something other than rage or despair, Isobel thought to herself. In fact he looked more like her boy than he had for months, if not years.

She put her hand over his and asked, gently: "Matthew, what is it?"

He broke from his trance and looked at her, a desperate question in his eyes.

"Mary," he said. "Did you know?"

Isobel understood exactly what he was asking.

"Matthew, I think it's as clear to everyone else as it is invisible to you….What are you going to do?"

"There's nothing to do, I'm engaged to Lavinia," he said, with a hint of frustration.

Isobel ventured, carefully: "I notice that you say you're engaged to Lavinia, not that you love her."

"Mother! I do…care very much about Lavinia. And I've made a promise to her. She's stood by me through all this, even when I tried to break it off."

"Yes. And Mary has nursed you almost singlehandedly. She has supported you, comforted you, challenged you. She has been there for you in your darkest hours. She has taken your petulance and impatience. And she has done it without any hope of a future with you."

Matthew put his head in his hands.

"Over the past two years she has been a true friend to Lavinia and protected her from the scheming of her aunt and grandmother. She has never burdened you with her feelings. She has done all of this for you, because she loves you and above all else she wants you to be happy…and she believes you love Lavinia above all others."

At this statement he looked up and met Isobel's eyes.

Matthew slumped against the back of the bench. He shook his head slowly, as though resigned.

"I've made a promise. Are you really suggesting I break it and betray Lavinia."

"No matter what you choose to do, my dear boy, someone will be hurt. What you have to decide is whether three hearts are broken or one."