November 15, 2005

Want to know what's better than teaching sex education to a bunch of spoiled brats and social deviants? That's easy... anything! I mean literally anything! I can't think of anything worse than what I do on a day-to-day basis. The things I have to put up with would blow you away.

When the highlight of your year is taking notes about how all the idiots you went to school with have officially spawned even bigger idiots, you know you've got a problem; you know your life is in the shitter.

And I know what they say about me. Ever since the day I took masking tape and taped the "Ms." in front of the name on my desk, the rumors started. My husband left me for another man. My husband is transitioning to be the other Mrs. Hauser. At least the latter is creative. I give them points for originality. It's totally something I'd have spread around about my divorced teacher back in high school. Karma's a bitch, and now so am I. And bitter. And the shit of it is, if I let it get to me, my car will be the next one gracing the quad's flagpole.

Believe it or not, there's nothing in You're Forty and He's Gone that tells a person how to deal with a situation like this. The situation that I am in. I'm surrounded by spoiled brats who insist that chlamydia is a flower and that everyone in the world has a housekeeper, and I am the one tasked with cutting down on teen pregnancy when everyone around me is entitled and idiotic.

It's a thankless job. And I'm stuck with it. I'm stuck with lots of things. I'm stuck with my—let's just say it, he's weird—son, Albert. I'm stuck with students who don't know the difference between plants and diseases. I'm stuck with an ex-husband who is midlife crisis-ing to the point that he isn't paying child support. Which also, I might add, leaves me stuck with the aging Black Lab, Shadow, who has diabetes and kidney failure. Do you know how expensive dialysis is for dogs? Nevermind, you don't want to know! Suffice it to say, I need to come up with a plan to fill in the gaps in my financial situation. I have a feeling the solution will come in the form of Pep Squad Pie. And I won't feel the least bit guilty, because they can go to Magic Mountain for their senior trip. And as I look in the mirror right now on my way to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction, I can recall all the crap I put up with from those kids on a daily basis and tell myself I'm worth it.

And so is Shadow.