Buteriel :
A crazy parody of Sabriel
A/n I would like to give proper thanks to "Lirael" for doing this with me. Also, I don't own "Lego" or any other brand name mentioned in the book, so sorry if that upsets anyone. Also, Garth Nix owns the original text, and any phrases copied in this work also belong to him. So sorry, I'm trying to parody not plagiarize, but I claim no rights to any of Garth's original work.
" When the butter do walk, seek ovens run,
for this the butter will always shun, Butter will melt into a broad lake,
to spread on bread, which you'll freshly bake,
If oven's broken, Microwaves thy friend,
if both are bunk, it will be thy end!"
Prologue
It was little more than three miles into the OldCheese Kingdom, actually it was more like four miles. Bright sun could be seen shining across the legowall in Auntcellerstair. Here it was raining and the people who couldn't get tents up quick enough got wet, very wet.
The midwife pulled her damp rag of a robe up over her head. She then bent over the woman, at least thats what she thought it was, rain and snot dripping from her nose onto the upturned face below. The midwife exhaled, then giggled as it came out in a puff of white. But no white came from the other woman's mouth. So she was ether dead, or didn't feel like breathing.
The midwife scratched her head, then stood up. She did this too quickly and got dizzy. She then looked at the other Campers. Telling them everything they needed to know in less than ten words.
The woman who had stumbled into their camp was DEAD!!! Just hanging on long enough to give birth to a skimpy baby.
"The Kid too?" Asked one of the campers, a man who wore the mark of the cheddar freshly drawn in cheese spread on his forehead. "Then we won't need to baptize it...Her. WA HOO!" As he raised a napkin to wipe the mark from his forehead, a random hand shot out and gripped his. Pushing it down.
"Peace all you kiddies!" Said an overly calm voice. "I mean not to...um... ok screw this! I am not going to eat you or anythin' !" The hand released its grip and floated back to its owner. Then the speaker stepped into the ring of fire, yelped as his boot caught alight, then stepped back next to the Cheddar priest. The campers giggled, but hands that had sprung to forks and string cheese did not relax. The man strode over to the bodies, looked at them in disgust, then turned back to the campers. He whipped off his tye-dye hood. His skin was pale, showing no summer tan. Ugh.
"I am called, ABUTTERSEN!" He said. Several campers jumped, as though he had pinched them. "And I say that there will be a um....a... um.... Baptism. Yea, a baptism tonight!"
The priest looked at the pathetically small bundle of rags and baby that the Midwife was holding. "The kid's dead, Abuttersen. We are campers, our lives lived in crummy nylon tents, we know death...um...lord."
"Not like I do." replied Abuttersen, grinning maniacally, so his paper white face crinkled back, reveling teeth stained from eating so much butter. "And I say the childs not yet dead."
The man looked at Abuttersen, then at his campers, then back again. Made up his mind and groaned. Then a woman said.
"So it is easily done. Sign the child, Anvil. We will make a new camp at Levi Jeans ford. Join us when you're done." The cheddar priest bowed, then the campers began to pack. Piling Coleman lanterns and folding picnic tables and putting them on x-cargo horsetop carriers. The priest stayed by Abuttersen reluctantly, because his name was one of secrets, and unnamed flavors.
When the midwife prepared to go Abuttersen said.
"Hey! You! Don't leave, we'll need you.
The midwife nodded, then looked at the baby, noticing it was a girl. Except for the fact that it was dead, she could have just been sleeping. She then held the baby out to the cheddar priest.
"If the Cheddar does not-"began the man, stopping so Abuttersen could interrupt.
"Let us see what the Cheddar spills, I mean wills." The man looked at the child again and sighed. Then he took a small flask from his side, took a swig, then held it aloft, crying out a chant that was the beginning of the Cheddar, one that listed life, the universe and everything. (A/n Douglas Adams rocks!) As he spoke the bottle began to flash with whirly lights, he then touched it to the ground, his forehead, then poured it over the baby. Nothing happened, except a Cheddar mark appeared on the child's forehead. Other than that, nothing. The priest shrugged, then continued,
"By the Cheddar eaten by all things, we name thee-" Normally the childs parents would say a name, but only Abuttersen spoke, and he said:
"Buteriel" As he said this the campers exchanged confused looks, what type of name was that?! But the Cheddar had accepted the baptism.
"BUT SHE WAS....IS DEAD!?" screamed the Cheddar Priest. He looked over at Abuttersen, and Abuttersen looked at, nothing. He reminded everyone of a stupid cat staring at a wall. Except his body was becoming drenched in a covering of molten butter.
He could hear the baby crying, which told him she had not yet passed beyond the first floor. The current was strong, but he knew this branch of the river. He waded on until he came across the baby, and the creature that was holding her. It was a few feet taller than Abuttersen, and had pale flashlights glowing where one might expect eyes. Abuttersen approached the creature slowly, keeping his eyes on the baby in the creatures hand. Slowly, he drew a small silver butter knife from the bandolier he wore across his chest. It was coated in pale yellow butter. But when he prepared to flick the butter at the creature, it spoke.
"Spirit of your high school Abuttersen. You can't butter me up while I hold her. And perhaps I shall take her beyond this floor." Abuttersen frowned, then stopped for risk of wrinkles, and replaced the butter knife.
"You have a new form Kerritop. And you are on this first floor. What bell boy helped you?" "One of the usual type. Inexperienced. I fired him. But now you have come to help me."
"I who stuck you in a crappy room on the seventh floor? With no view of the park?!"
"Yes, the iron does not escape you." He made as though to throw the baby down to the next floor, but she started crying. he got so startled that he promptly dropped her. Abuttersen scooped her up and headed back to the real world. The baby began to cry just seconds before Abuttersen returned. So the Midwife had time to push blankets around the tiny bare kid. As he returned to reality, Abuttersen wiped dripping butter from his lips.
"Yummy. How's the kid?" He asked. The midwife, still slightly surprised replied.
"Good. As you can see. But you are, a....a...."
"A butterimancer? Yes but only of a sort. I melt those things of butter that normal butterimancers would solidify. I am Abuttersen, Dad, of Buteriel."
A/N There, you like it? Keep your eyes open for more Buteriel Adventures. Where you will meet Maggot, Touchurne, and many more. Please Please please review!!!
A crazy parody of Sabriel
A/n I would like to give proper thanks to "Lirael" for doing this with me. Also, I don't own "Lego" or any other brand name mentioned in the book, so sorry if that upsets anyone. Also, Garth Nix owns the original text, and any phrases copied in this work also belong to him. So sorry, I'm trying to parody not plagiarize, but I claim no rights to any of Garth's original work.
" When the butter do walk, seek ovens run,
for this the butter will always shun, Butter will melt into a broad lake,
to spread on bread, which you'll freshly bake,
If oven's broken, Microwaves thy friend,
if both are bunk, it will be thy end!"
Prologue
It was little more than three miles into the OldCheese Kingdom, actually it was more like four miles. Bright sun could be seen shining across the legowall in Auntcellerstair. Here it was raining and the people who couldn't get tents up quick enough got wet, very wet.
The midwife pulled her damp rag of a robe up over her head. She then bent over the woman, at least thats what she thought it was, rain and snot dripping from her nose onto the upturned face below. The midwife exhaled, then giggled as it came out in a puff of white. But no white came from the other woman's mouth. So she was ether dead, or didn't feel like breathing.
The midwife scratched her head, then stood up. She did this too quickly and got dizzy. She then looked at the other Campers. Telling them everything they needed to know in less than ten words.
The woman who had stumbled into their camp was DEAD!!! Just hanging on long enough to give birth to a skimpy baby.
"The Kid too?" Asked one of the campers, a man who wore the mark of the cheddar freshly drawn in cheese spread on his forehead. "Then we won't need to baptize it...Her. WA HOO!" As he raised a napkin to wipe the mark from his forehead, a random hand shot out and gripped his. Pushing it down.
"Peace all you kiddies!" Said an overly calm voice. "I mean not to...um... ok screw this! I am not going to eat you or anythin' !" The hand released its grip and floated back to its owner. Then the speaker stepped into the ring of fire, yelped as his boot caught alight, then stepped back next to the Cheddar priest. The campers giggled, but hands that had sprung to forks and string cheese did not relax. The man strode over to the bodies, looked at them in disgust, then turned back to the campers. He whipped off his tye-dye hood. His skin was pale, showing no summer tan. Ugh.
"I am called, ABUTTERSEN!" He said. Several campers jumped, as though he had pinched them. "And I say that there will be a um....a... um.... Baptism. Yea, a baptism tonight!"
The priest looked at the pathetically small bundle of rags and baby that the Midwife was holding. "The kid's dead, Abuttersen. We are campers, our lives lived in crummy nylon tents, we know death...um...lord."
"Not like I do." replied Abuttersen, grinning maniacally, so his paper white face crinkled back, reveling teeth stained from eating so much butter. "And I say the childs not yet dead."
The man looked at Abuttersen, then at his campers, then back again. Made up his mind and groaned. Then a woman said.
"So it is easily done. Sign the child, Anvil. We will make a new camp at Levi Jeans ford. Join us when you're done." The cheddar priest bowed, then the campers began to pack. Piling Coleman lanterns and folding picnic tables and putting them on x-cargo horsetop carriers. The priest stayed by Abuttersen reluctantly, because his name was one of secrets, and unnamed flavors.
When the midwife prepared to go Abuttersen said.
"Hey! You! Don't leave, we'll need you.
The midwife nodded, then looked at the baby, noticing it was a girl. Except for the fact that it was dead, she could have just been sleeping. She then held the baby out to the cheddar priest.
"If the Cheddar does not-"began the man, stopping so Abuttersen could interrupt.
"Let us see what the Cheddar spills, I mean wills." The man looked at the child again and sighed. Then he took a small flask from his side, took a swig, then held it aloft, crying out a chant that was the beginning of the Cheddar, one that listed life, the universe and everything. (A/n Douglas Adams rocks!) As he spoke the bottle began to flash with whirly lights, he then touched it to the ground, his forehead, then poured it over the baby. Nothing happened, except a Cheddar mark appeared on the child's forehead. Other than that, nothing. The priest shrugged, then continued,
"By the Cheddar eaten by all things, we name thee-" Normally the childs parents would say a name, but only Abuttersen spoke, and he said:
"Buteriel" As he said this the campers exchanged confused looks, what type of name was that?! But the Cheddar had accepted the baptism.
"BUT SHE WAS....IS DEAD!?" screamed the Cheddar Priest. He looked over at Abuttersen, and Abuttersen looked at, nothing. He reminded everyone of a stupid cat staring at a wall. Except his body was becoming drenched in a covering of molten butter.
He could hear the baby crying, which told him she had not yet passed beyond the first floor. The current was strong, but he knew this branch of the river. He waded on until he came across the baby, and the creature that was holding her. It was a few feet taller than Abuttersen, and had pale flashlights glowing where one might expect eyes. Abuttersen approached the creature slowly, keeping his eyes on the baby in the creatures hand. Slowly, he drew a small silver butter knife from the bandolier he wore across his chest. It was coated in pale yellow butter. But when he prepared to flick the butter at the creature, it spoke.
"Spirit of your high school Abuttersen. You can't butter me up while I hold her. And perhaps I shall take her beyond this floor." Abuttersen frowned, then stopped for risk of wrinkles, and replaced the butter knife.
"You have a new form Kerritop. And you are on this first floor. What bell boy helped you?" "One of the usual type. Inexperienced. I fired him. But now you have come to help me."
"I who stuck you in a crappy room on the seventh floor? With no view of the park?!"
"Yes, the iron does not escape you." He made as though to throw the baby down to the next floor, but she started crying. he got so startled that he promptly dropped her. Abuttersen scooped her up and headed back to the real world. The baby began to cry just seconds before Abuttersen returned. So the Midwife had time to push blankets around the tiny bare kid. As he returned to reality, Abuttersen wiped dripping butter from his lips.
"Yummy. How's the kid?" He asked. The midwife, still slightly surprised replied.
"Good. As you can see. But you are, a....a...."
"A butterimancer? Yes but only of a sort. I melt those things of butter that normal butterimancers would solidify. I am Abuttersen, Dad, of Buteriel."
A/N There, you like it? Keep your eyes open for more Buteriel Adventures. Where you will meet Maggot, Touchurne, and many more. Please Please please review!!!
