A/N: A few things before we begin. First, this is my first multi-chapter fic, so no promises on the quality. Second, I'm a total sucker for time travel/second chance fics, especially stories like this one in which so much of what happens to our beloved characters is completely out of their control. Hopefully I'll do it justice. Third, I'm hoping to update this regularly on a weekly schedule. Most importantly, I need to send a huge thank you to my future sister-in-law emmaintherye because she is absolutely incredible and this story couldn't be half what it is without her amazing editing and suggestions. You should check her out. Love you Emmy!
Disclaimer: As always with fanfiction, I don't own the story or characters. You will occasionally see pieces lines in this story that have been lifted directly from the text. That credit goes to Suzanne Collins.
Prologue: Peeta POV
"You love me. Real or not real?"
Katniss lifts her head head from my bare chest to meet my eyes. I had expected her to tense up, to see panic reflected in her gray eyes. Instead, I'm surprised to see the look there is resolute, confident, not the slightest bit surprised. It looks like she had been expecting this for a while.
"Real," she answers simply, but unwaveringly, as she presses a soft kiss to my lips before returning to her previous position.
To anyone else, that one word wouldn't sound like much, but for me it is more than enough That one word is an admission that means everything, that for a long time I believed could never be true. I'm blissfully content in this moment.
I'm surprised when she speaks again. In her own words, she isn't "good at saying something". She has never been particularly loquacious, so her unexpected speech surprises me.
"My parents had an epic love, the kind they wrote stories about before the Dark Days. The handsome, charming young man from the wrong side of town who swept the beauty from above his station off her feet so thoroughly that she ran off with him, never dreaming of looking back. As a child I admired them. They never had enough of anything living in the Seam, but the love they shared more than made up for it."
Having already been infatuated with Katniss at the age of five, I had watched the Everdeen family and witnessed the love between her parents. My parents got by alright, but my mother was standoffish, trying to protect herself from the pain of knowing she could only ever be my father's second choice. The difference between our parents' marriages was clear to me from a very young age. I always swore I would love Katniss in the unwavering way Mr. Everdeen had loved his wife.
"When my dad died though, I saw how love, once lost, could break a person. My parents had given irretrievable pieces of themselves to each other, and my mother had essentially died with him because of it. She couldn't take care of herself anymore, let alone her young children, even though they needed her," she takes a ragged breath, likely shaking off thoughts of those dark times. I don't say anything, knowing she needs to get this off her chest at her own pace.
"I knew then that love meant another person having the power to break you. To me, our world was a dangerous place, where nothing could be counted on. I knew I couldn't afford to risk that, even if I had wanted to. I could never allow myself to be at risk of becoming my mother."
My heart breaks for her when I hear this. Her parents' love really had been magical. To know that Katniss was so beaten down by everything that she could only see the pain and not the beauty in it speaks volumes about how hard her life was even before the games.
She gives a wry, bitter chuckle before continuing, "It was both very astute and foolish of me. I had been right to think that love was dangerous, that it meant handing over control, that it had the power to turn me into my mother. I was a fool to think I had any control to stop it from happening though."
She looks up at me again then, eyes locking onto mine with a serious, clear gaze. My breath catches in my throat as I, too, feel the pain of her past. While Katniss was not always the most transparent, her eyes revealed pure emotion. Tonight, it is vulnerability; a state not at all familiar to the strong woman who had competed beside me during the games.
"You snuck up on me. I didn't realize it was happening, that it had been happening for years." She smiles softly, her gaze getting distant. "Apparently everyone else could see it. Finnick did. He told me not long after we had gotten to Thirteen…"
She trails off and smiles wistfully as she remembers Finnick. I do too. We both miss him.
She shakes her head, getting back to her original train of thought. Her eyes darken, become hard, at the next part.
"Snow saw it too. That's why he did what he did to you. He wanted to break me." The look in her eyes is haunted as she continues, "He very nearly succeeded. I did become a version of my mother when you were gone. I spent weeks barely functioning, hiding in closets and clutching the pearl you gave me as if it were your life in my hands, and if I could protect it, then I could protect you…" As I watch Katniss struggle, yet determined, to reveal herself to me, I feel warmth rise from the tips of my toes to the depth of my chest. I can't truly place the source of the warmth, (Pride? Love? Admiration? All of the above?) yet I squeeze Katniss closer to me and nod, reminding her that I am listening. While her experiences are hard, and I still suffer the repercussions of my torture in the Capitol, Katniss' strength and determination provides a glimmer of hope that we can do this together.
Regaining her composure, she continues, "But he went too far with the hijacking. I couldn't let the things he did to you go unpunished. He had to pay for his crimes before I could give up."
Despite the horrible memories surfacing from my time in the Capitol, I'm able to fight off the potential flashbacks because I'm overwhelmed with sadness for her. Sadness and guilt, because I was so confused when I finally got back to her. She had hurt me in the past, with her lies and omissions, but I had done worse. She was in a fragile state, but I couldn't see that at the time. Instead of being understanding, I had attacked and blamed her repeatedly. Now, looking into Katniss' eyes, I wish more than anything I could change what I had done; if only I could absolve her of her pain as her mere presence does to me.
Katniss is oblivious to my thoughts, stuck in her own feelings of guilt and regret. She sighs before returning to her original point.
"I wish things had been different. I wish I would have seen what had so obviously been happening. What had been happening for years really, ever since the day you threw me that bread."
I cringe remembering that horrible day. It had been a bad couple of months to be honest, watching Katniss grow thinner and more withdrawn following her father's death, but I don't think I had ever known true fear until that day. As I watched her collapse under the apple tree, it was painfully clear that she had given up. Her face was too thin, her eyes too vacant. She could die. The thought felt like poison in my veins. I knew I had to do something.
I am drawn back to the present when she speaks again.
"I know you remember that clearly, and the next day with the dandelion." I nod. "What you couldn't know is that it was that dandelion, the one I found looking down because I was too afraid to thank you, that made me remember all the things that my father had taught me. It was that first dandelion of Spring that gave me hope that we could actually survive. From that day forward, I could never shake the connection that was you, the bread that saved my life when I was ready to give up, and the dandelion that gave me hope that things could be good again."
I am left utterly speechless by the revelation. I knew that the bread was important to her, she had often hinted at it before eventually outright telling me it had saved the lives of her and her family. I had been amazed then that it had made such an impact, but to hear it was the catalyst that turned her into the self-sufficient provider she became is astounding. And I finally understand the significance of the dandelion she picked and the look on her face as she gazed at it.
Despite all this. I still have one lingering doubt. I don't want to ruin the moment, but I need to know.
"What about Gale?" Is this just because he isn't here? Because you blame him for what happened to Prim?
She sighs in resignation, as if this too was something she had been expecting.
"Gale… Gale was my best friend. Before the Games, he was pretty much the only person I could count on. We helped each other survive. Surviving the day, taking care of Prim… it was the only thing that mattered to me then.
"I cared about Gale. He was important to me. I never consciously thought about it, but there were probably some feelings or expectations there. At the very least, everyone else thought so."
It's not great hearing her admit she had some feelings for him, even if I already knew it. It's certainly true about everyone else. It was commonly thought throughout the district that they were together and would eventually marry. It made sense, the hunter and the huntress, always seemingly by each other's sides.
"After the games, it became clear that he had feelings for me. At the time, I couldn't entertain the thought of Gale's romance at all, considering the circumstances. Between the fact that you and I still weren't talking and the threat of Snow and the Capitol's expectations of us, it was too much to have to worry about.
"I did love him... I didn't know how or in what way. I just knew that I never wanted to lose him and I didn't want to hurt him the way I had hurt you too."
Ouch. These are all things I did know already, but I still hurts. What she says next fills me with relief.
"It took a while, but I realized was never in love with him though. If we weren't so overwhelmed with everything, maybe I could have recognized that sooner, and spared us all some heartache."
"We're here now." I gently remind her.
I'm rewarded with a smile as she cups my cheek with her hand.
"Yes, we are. It was a long road, but we managed to find our way back together. I think I've always known it would be you. That this would have happened anyway. You are my dandelion in the Spring, what I need to survive."
My heart swells. I'm so filled with love and happiness that I can't take it anymore. I take her face in my hands and press a kiss to her lips.
It was meant to be soft and sweet, but it escalates quickly when she responds by deepening it. We're quickly swept away with emotion and need as my fingers tangle in her hair and my hips press against hers, reenacting our earlier activities.
Pure connection, pure validation. Isn't this what I've been waiting for? How am I going to learn self-control? I'm a man after all - and apparently, one who is crazy for a woman I had previously empowered without realization. Did I, in any way, help to make her who she is today? Is that even possible? Suddenly, my chest becomes warm again - this time with pride.. When finally slow down and pull apart, I give her one more quick kiss, the kiss I originally intended to give her.
"Thank you," I breathe against her mouth before pulling back to look into her eyes. "I love you."
For the first time ever, she says, "I love you, too. Always."
We fall into silence, just enjoying everything that has passed between us tonight. Eventually, Katniss starts humming a tune I recognize as being from before Dark Days. It's not until she graces me with her mesmerizing voice, singing a few lines, that I understand why she it is on her mind at this moment. I smile and pull her closer, enjoying the voice that enthralled me even as a boy.
"I've always lived like this,
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness,
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
But you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception…"
Later, as we drift to sleep, I contemplate what she had said. It was a long road getting here. A long, painful, gutting road really, but somehow I ended up where I could have only ever dreamed of being in my younger years: with Katniss, wrapped together in our shared bed with no barriers of any kind left between us. I wish it could have happened sooner, but in this moment, and every moment after this, I know all I can do is be grateful to be here now.
