AUTHOR: Smurfette
E-MAIL: smurfette3001@yahoo.com, purple_smurf@bigpond.com
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine! 'How The Ginch Stole Christmas' was written by Dr. Suess, is copyrighted to Dr. Suess Enterprises, L.P., and has something to do with Random House and HaperCollins, maybe Universal Pictures, too. All things Buffy-like belong to the WB (who stole them!), Fox, UPN, Mutant Enemy, Joss, Marti, David, Tim, and anyone else I might have forgotten. TBPH, I wouldn't even want to lay claim to what they're supposed to be showing at the moment.
SPOILERS: Just general stuff... S/B and C/A... the chip...
SYNOPSIS: General wrongness inspired by Dr. Suess' classic 1957 tale, 'How The Grinch Stole Christmas'.
DISTRIBUTION: snort> you want this? Feel free! Just drop me a line, or link here.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is wrong! I can't begin to say how wrong this is! Yet, I couldn't resist. I don't normally write, and most of my efforts end up on the scrap-heap, but I figured that this was such a bad idea it couldn't get any worse! I was reading 'Grinch' for the first time ever (yes, it is possible) and the line about 'heart two sizes too small' made me immediately think of the no-crossovers thing, and how they like to grind our hearts into the dirt at every available opportunity... and I know S/B is on UPN, and it was going to be How The Joss Stole Shipperness, or Marti, or something, but... this worked... I think...
FEEDBACK: As the Laziest Feedback Person Online, I don't think I can make any demands... But feel free, all the same!
RATING: Erm, it's from Dr. Suess. I think anyone can handle it!
Every Shipper
Down in Shipper-ville
Liked Buffy/Angel a lot...
But WB
Who screened one of the shows,
Did NOT!
The WB hated Buffy and Angel!
And all B/A seasons!
Now, please don't ask why. No one
quite knows the reasons.
It could be their heads weren't screwed
on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that their
fists were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason
of all
May have been that their hearts were two
sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
Their hearts or their cash,
They hated B/A-ness like a very bad rash.
They stared down at Shippers with
stories to kill
Trying to douse all warm hearts living in
Shipper-ville.
For they knew every Shipper walked
round with a strut
And spent their nights reading stories filled
with good smut.
"And they're filling the web!" they snarled
with a sneer.
"Soon it is Sweeps time! It's practically
here!"
So they spent all their time busily hyping,
And trying to keep those Shippers
from typing.
For,
Left alone, they knew...
... Any Shipper not at the end of
their rope,
Without desperate measures, they'd continue
to hope!
And then! Oh, the Fics! Fics!
Fics! Fics!
That's one thing they hated! The FICS! FICS!
FICS! FICS!
Then the Shippers, new and old, would
expect a reunion.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!
And they'd feast upon watching, and oh,
the confusion!
And the joy they would feel no longer illusions!
And THEN
They'd do something
WB liked least of all!
Every Shipper in Shipper-ville,
the tall and the small,
Would find perfect happiness inside the
shows.
And where happiness lurks, no audience grows.
They'd type! And they'd type!
AND they'd TYPE! TYPE! TYPE! TYPE!
And the more the WB thought of this Shipper-happy-type,
The more the WB thought, "We must need more
hype!
"Why, for five long years we've put up with
it now!
"We MUST stop this continuous hope!
... But HOW?"
Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE WB
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The WB started
to race,
And they made a quick Spike-like body and
face.
And they chuckled, and clucked, "And to
think they might trust!
We know all good 'ships depend only on lust!"
"Now all we need is a soul..."
The WB looked around.
But, since souls are still scarce, there
was none to be found.
Did that stop evil WB...?
No! The WB simply said,
"If we can't find a soul, we'll make
one instead!"
So they called their IT, and read all the
chip-guides,
And they took their false-Spike and hid
that chip deep inside.
THEN
They loaded some stories,
And suspended repeats
And hoped that the paintwork
Wouldn't crack under heat.
The WB cried out, "Action!"
And they started to hype;
The boom slowly lowered to
Where the Shippers still typed.
The computers went dark. Quiet hope
filled the air.
All the Shippers were dreaming sweet
dreams without care,
When horrors beyond horrors filled each
TV's square.
"We'll corrupt all their hope," the WB spat
and they hissed
And clenched all their savings in their
tight little fist.
So Spike fell for Buffy. Good sense
took a hike.
But, if Angel could do it, then so could
their Spike!
They stalled only once, for a moment or
two,
Then character doubts and plot holes?
Out the window they flew.
All the Shippery dreams stood neat
in a row,
"These dreams," they grinned, "are the first
things to go!"
They hacked and they butchered, destroying
the dreams;
Pulled the mythology they built apart at
the seams!
The curse! And evilness! Remorse,
and redemption!
Who cares if Buffy wouldn't -- it got the
attention!
They stuffed all the past in old plastic
bags;
Pushed them into the closet with mouldy
old rags.
Then they slunk to LA, carving away more
of the hope,
And tied Angel/Cordy with incestuous rope.
They cleaned up the past as quick as a flash;
Soon there wouldn't be anything left to
rehash.
They stuffed brooding Angel in the garbage
with glee
Giving legions of fans good reason to flee.
The WB grabbed Spike, then Cordy, and started
to shove
It all down the throats, and claimed it
was love.
Then they turned, and saw innocence there;
A little young Shipper with bright
curling hair.
She asked, "Why are you forcing us all of
this muck?"
She'd asked this before, and was hoping
for luck.
She stared at the WB and asked, "Mr. WB,
why?
"Why are you taking our Forever away?
WHY?"
But, you know, that old WB was so smart and
so slick,
They thought up a lie, and they thought
it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little fan," the Evils Ones
lied,
"Forever's so long, and we've already
tried...
"This isn't forever; it's just for a while..."
Their voice trailed off, so they stood there
and smiled.
Their fibs unconvincing, but they were all
power
And stared down the child 'till she started
to cower.
They went back to work, annoyed by distractions,
Sweeps were so close -- it was time for
some actions!
The last thing they took
Was the will for their sight!
Shippers wished to be blind when
B/S turned out the light.
(Though Buffy and Angel had shone twice
as bright...)
And the one speck of hope
They left on the show
Flecked and flickered and out it would go.
Then
They continued
week after week
Leaving only hope
Far too small
For others to seek.
And so the WB...
Took out all the trash
(Hoping that lust would stop the backlash);
They threw out the hope! The love!
All the past!
They threw it all out, and threw it out
fast!
Three thousand feet down, the pit of no return;
Into the Hellmouth, and there it could burn!
"Thank God for B/Sers," they laughed out
with glee,
"They made it all possible, don't you all
see!
"As for the Shippers -- we know just
what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or
two
"Then the Shippers in
Shipper-ville
will all cry BOO-HOO!
"That's a noise," warbled WB,
"That we simply MUST hear!"
So they paused. And the WB put their
hands to their ears,
And they did hear a noise come out
over the air...
And when they did hear it, it caused them
to stare.
For the sound wasn't sad!
But what more could they do?
They thought of everything
They'd put Shippers through.
Curses and hell, death
And separation survived;
It would need something else
For this hope to divide.
For every Shipper in Shipper-ville,
the tall and the small,
Were typing and hoping, with no cause at
all!
They HADN'T stop hope in forever!
IT WAS STAYING!
Somehow or another, repeats were still playing!
And for deluded WB, epiphany came slow,
They stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could
it be so?
"They go without hope! They go without
reason!
"They go without contact a whole friggin'
season!"
And they puzzled three hours, till their
puzzlers were sore,
Then the WB thought of something
they hadn't before!
"Maybe hope and denial," they thought, "Is
right at their core.
"It's gone through curses, and hell, and
even much more!"
And what happened then...? Well, in
Shipper-ville
they say
That the WB's heart let them be from that
day!
They realized forever can't be taken on
lightly
And let B/A's star shine a little more brightly.
They called up a truce, without any laughter...
And they...
allowed us
to hope for our happily after.
