Title: Held Back

A/N: Set three years after the war is over and Severus survives.


"What's wrong?" Hermione asked softly, breaking their kiss.

Feigning a confused expression, Severus murmured in response, "Nothing at all." He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, hoping to avert the subject. Hermione permitted his inquiring tongue and for a second, Severus thought he was in the clear.

Hermione broke away and shook her head. "No. Something's… off. Are you okay?"

"Hermione," Severus sighed. "I've already told you: nothing's the matter. What makes you think otherwise?"

"Something just seems to be troubling you, that's all." Her hands that were clasped around his neck found their way to his arms, where they rested lightly. She could feel his grip around her waist loosen.

"Does our past still bother you? Are you still getting looks from people about us being—"

"—No and no."

"Then, what is it?" She searched his face for an answer.

Her deep brown eyes gleamed in the sun with a tinge of sadness in its depths. Her hair, the color of a rich field of wheat on a summer day, elegantly framed her petite face in loose waves. As delicate as the features on her face were, the years had blessed her with a mature definition that exuded her confidence and womanhood.

Severus gently caressed her cheeks, brushing her hair aside to admire her beauty. And yet, as beautiful as she was and as much as he wanted to give her all of himself, something was holding him back. Hermione's hair wasn't a fiery crimson that could be spotted kilometers away. Nor did her eyes put emeralds to shame. She hadn't spent childhood summers with him lying beneath a willow tree for hours, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Nor had she gingerly placed ice on the bruises of his face as a teenager when his father chose him as the object of his drunken wrath. No, Hermione was beautiful and Hermione was amazing but she wasn't—

"Lily."

Severus blinked.

Hermione glanced over at the small desk calendar positioned by the stack of ungraded essays. It read October 31, 2001. "I know you loved her," she began quietly. "But it's been twenty years."

"Hermione…"

"It's okay, Severus," she said, letting out a sad smile. She broke away from his arms and grabbed her coat from his desk. "I should be getting back to work. My lunch hour is almost over."

Severus reached for her hand but she quickly pulled it away to wipe the tears from her eyes. He pulled Hermione in and squeezed her tightly in an attempt to convince her of his love for her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Perhaps he was the one who needed convincing. "Really."

Hermione nodded and pulled away. "I'll be going now." He watched her walk out of his classroom with her head hung a little lower than when she first came in. With a sigh, Severus made his way to his desk. After sliding the top left drawer open, he pulled out a small Muggle photograph. Pictured were Severus and Lily beaming, the summer before their fifth year of school. Her mother insisted on taking the photo before they boarded the train. Severus had his long, thin arm around Lily's shoulder. He could still remember how his heart skipped a beat when she placed her hand on the small of his back.

He had to let her go. But no matter how hard he tried to move on, the memories of her held him back.