Title: In My Hands
Author: Courtney
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com
Rating: R
Category: Bella/Scout, future-fic
Disclaimer: Mine . . . send money.
Summary: When they were young, Bella rejected Scout in favor of trying life on her own. Now, after 15 years, she's tracked him down again to ask for another chance. Can things ever be the same?
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Fuel from the song Hemorrhage off their forthcoming new cd, Something Like Human.
------------------------------
Part One
Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember everything I said when I said,
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands,
Love lies bleeding...
"What exactly are you looking for?" he asked her.
"Something more," she told him. And, with those words, she finally managed to break his heart. She needed more . . . more than he had to offer. He wasn't enough for her and he never would be. It was in that instant that he realized he would have to let her go. If he ever wanted her to find true happiness, he would have to let her go.
Scout Calhoun woke with a start from the familiar dream. He still called it a dream after all these years, even though it had become like more of a recurring nightmare over the thousands of nights that it had woken him in a cold sweat with that same ache in his chest. Would he ever get over this . . . get over her? He was beginning to think it was impossible.
He sighed as he got out of bed and walked bleary eyed to the bathroom to relieve himself. He then splashed some cold water on his face, trying to wake himself up rather than returning to sleep. The prospect of dreams hadn't appealed to him in a very long time; not since that day so long ago when all of his dreams walked out the door.
They'd only been, what? Eighteen? It had been in June, just days before his graduation from Rawley Academy. The public schools had had their graduation a week before and he'd been there . . . watching her, his heart bursting with pride as she smiled and waved up to him. He remembered that day as the last time they were really happy together. They'd made love that night; not for the first time but it had turned out to be the last. And he'd woken up beside a girl he didn't know; a girl who had changed somehow overnight.
Was it that night that had changed her? He'd often wondered. After that night in his bedroom when Will had bunked with one of the other guys and Scout had held his beloved Bella all night, things had never been the same. It had never made much sense to him.
Of course, he'd always known that she was in a hurry to get out of that town. She'd been content enough to stay when they met, but that had soon changed. She'd grown up and learned more about the world and the things she was missing by living in that tiny lakeside town her entire life. Ironically, it was he who had told her a lot of those tales of far off places. He'd filled her head with images of things she had yet to see and made her long to go to those places he described, to know what he already knew. He had always assumed they would experience those things together. He had assumed wrong.
The day she left it had been no less than 95 degrees out, but Scout still recalled it as a cold day. It wasn't the weather that he remembered, but rather the way he felt when he thought back to it. Classes were already over for him so when she arrived on campus he was in his dorm room, packing.
The door was half-opened and when she knocked on the frame she said his name. He turned to her and smiled. "Hey beautiful." She smiled back.
"I need to talk to you," she said as she came further into the room and closed the door behind her. He nodded and followed her to the bed to sit down. "I've made a decision, Scout." Her smile was gone then, replaced by a worried, anxious look.
His face fell as he looked at her. "Something's wrong," he said. He could already feel that he wasn't going to like what she had to say.
"I'm leaving New Rawley," she announced.
"Well, of course you are," he replied. "At the end of the summer we're both going to be in Providence, in school." His father hated the idea, but he was going to the University of Rhode Island because that was where she'd gotten a scholarship. It wasn't nearly as good of a school as he probably could have gotten into, but it was close to her and that was all that mattered.
"I'm not going, Scout," she said softly, as if trying to cushion the blow even while she pulled the rug out from under him.
"But . . . Bella, why?" He couldn't understand this. There was no longer a reason for them not to be together. They had been sure a long time ago that they weren't related. And he loved her . . . didn't she love him, too?
"I need something else, Scout. Something I have to find on my own," she tried to explain.
"What exactly are you looking for?" he asked her.
"Something more." That was all she said. Something more . . . that was the point when he always awoke from the dream that was really a memory. That was when his perfect world crumbled all over again and he lost the most important part of himself . . . her love. He knew that she couldn't love him and still let him go. His heart wouldn't let him believe that she could.
In the years that had passed since that day, he'd grown to hate her. He hated her for leaving him, hated her for hurting him and hated her for never coming back to him. He hated that she was still in his thoughts and his dreams, hated that she still tormented him after so long, and, most of all, he hated that he couldn't make himself stop loving her. He figured he never would. He'd never be happy because his memories of Bella would never let him be.
* * * * *
She stopped to read the street map again. Was she even going the right way? Even after all this time, she would have thought that she'd sense him . . . but she felt nothing. Perhaps this was a bad idea after all . . .
Still, it felt right. She knew that he was what she needed now. He was the only one she'd ever really *needed* in all her life. If only he could forgive her, she was sure that things would be okay again.
She decided that she was going the right way and started her car up again. After driving for a few blocks, she spotted the street sign she'd been looking for and turned down it. A quarter mile down, she spotted his building. The lights were on. It was 4 o'clock in the morning . . . could he still be up?
She decided that she'd just have to find out . . .
She parked her car and took a deep breath. "You can do this," she told herself aloud. She checked her appearance in the mirror, fluffing her hair a little and being sure that her lipstick was on straight. Finally satisfied, she opened the car door and looked up at the front door.
It was her first time in New York. She'd always imagined that this city would be exciting, that it would make her feel alive, even in the middle of the night. But she didn't feel alive or excited or even the least bit happy to be there. It was actually the last place she wanted to be at that moment . . . and the only place she had left to go.
With one more deep breath, she made herself move forward to the front porch. She rang the doorbell and waited.
* * * * *
He heard the bell and looked at the clock. It was after four; who on earth could possibly be coming by this early? He put on his robe and walked to the door to see. Not bothering with the peephole, he opened the door wide. The sight of his visitor made him gasp.
"Hello Scout," she said with an unsure smile. She prayed that he wouldn't yell at her or tell her to go away. She couldn't handle that now.
"B-b-bella?" he stammered. She nodded. "Wh-what are you doing here?" he asked.
"I didn't know where else to go," she admitted.
"What's wrong?" he immediately asked.
"What's not?" she countered with a lopsided smirk.
Every ounce of willpower he possessed told him to shut the door in her face. She'd caused him so much grief; why should he help her now? What concern was she of his anymore? He owed her nothing and she had to know that.
Still, he loved her and he knew it. He stepped aside to let her enter.
* * * * *
Author: Courtney
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com
Rating: R
Category: Bella/Scout, future-fic
Disclaimer: Mine . . . send money.
Summary: When they were young, Bella rejected Scout in favor of trying life on her own. Now, after 15 years, she's tracked him down again to ask for another chance. Can things ever be the same?
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Fuel from the song Hemorrhage off their forthcoming new cd, Something Like Human.
------------------------------
Part One
Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember everything I said when I said,
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands again,
Leave love bleeding in my hands,
In my hands,
Love lies bleeding...
"What exactly are you looking for?" he asked her.
"Something more," she told him. And, with those words, she finally managed to break his heart. She needed more . . . more than he had to offer. He wasn't enough for her and he never would be. It was in that instant that he realized he would have to let her go. If he ever wanted her to find true happiness, he would have to let her go.
Scout Calhoun woke with a start from the familiar dream. He still called it a dream after all these years, even though it had become like more of a recurring nightmare over the thousands of nights that it had woken him in a cold sweat with that same ache in his chest. Would he ever get over this . . . get over her? He was beginning to think it was impossible.
He sighed as he got out of bed and walked bleary eyed to the bathroom to relieve himself. He then splashed some cold water on his face, trying to wake himself up rather than returning to sleep. The prospect of dreams hadn't appealed to him in a very long time; not since that day so long ago when all of his dreams walked out the door.
They'd only been, what? Eighteen? It had been in June, just days before his graduation from Rawley Academy. The public schools had had their graduation a week before and he'd been there . . . watching her, his heart bursting with pride as she smiled and waved up to him. He remembered that day as the last time they were really happy together. They'd made love that night; not for the first time but it had turned out to be the last. And he'd woken up beside a girl he didn't know; a girl who had changed somehow overnight.
Was it that night that had changed her? He'd often wondered. After that night in his bedroom when Will had bunked with one of the other guys and Scout had held his beloved Bella all night, things had never been the same. It had never made much sense to him.
Of course, he'd always known that she was in a hurry to get out of that town. She'd been content enough to stay when they met, but that had soon changed. She'd grown up and learned more about the world and the things she was missing by living in that tiny lakeside town her entire life. Ironically, it was he who had told her a lot of those tales of far off places. He'd filled her head with images of things she had yet to see and made her long to go to those places he described, to know what he already knew. He had always assumed they would experience those things together. He had assumed wrong.
The day she left it had been no less than 95 degrees out, but Scout still recalled it as a cold day. It wasn't the weather that he remembered, but rather the way he felt when he thought back to it. Classes were already over for him so when she arrived on campus he was in his dorm room, packing.
The door was half-opened and when she knocked on the frame she said his name. He turned to her and smiled. "Hey beautiful." She smiled back.
"I need to talk to you," she said as she came further into the room and closed the door behind her. He nodded and followed her to the bed to sit down. "I've made a decision, Scout." Her smile was gone then, replaced by a worried, anxious look.
His face fell as he looked at her. "Something's wrong," he said. He could already feel that he wasn't going to like what she had to say.
"I'm leaving New Rawley," she announced.
"Well, of course you are," he replied. "At the end of the summer we're both going to be in Providence, in school." His father hated the idea, but he was going to the University of Rhode Island because that was where she'd gotten a scholarship. It wasn't nearly as good of a school as he probably could have gotten into, but it was close to her and that was all that mattered.
"I'm not going, Scout," she said softly, as if trying to cushion the blow even while she pulled the rug out from under him.
"But . . . Bella, why?" He couldn't understand this. There was no longer a reason for them not to be together. They had been sure a long time ago that they weren't related. And he loved her . . . didn't she love him, too?
"I need something else, Scout. Something I have to find on my own," she tried to explain.
"What exactly are you looking for?" he asked her.
"Something more." That was all she said. Something more . . . that was the point when he always awoke from the dream that was really a memory. That was when his perfect world crumbled all over again and he lost the most important part of himself . . . her love. He knew that she couldn't love him and still let him go. His heart wouldn't let him believe that she could.
In the years that had passed since that day, he'd grown to hate her. He hated her for leaving him, hated her for hurting him and hated her for never coming back to him. He hated that she was still in his thoughts and his dreams, hated that she still tormented him after so long, and, most of all, he hated that he couldn't make himself stop loving her. He figured he never would. He'd never be happy because his memories of Bella would never let him be.
* * * * *
She stopped to read the street map again. Was she even going the right way? Even after all this time, she would have thought that she'd sense him . . . but she felt nothing. Perhaps this was a bad idea after all . . .
Still, it felt right. She knew that he was what she needed now. He was the only one she'd ever really *needed* in all her life. If only he could forgive her, she was sure that things would be okay again.
She decided that she was going the right way and started her car up again. After driving for a few blocks, she spotted the street sign she'd been looking for and turned down it. A quarter mile down, she spotted his building. The lights were on. It was 4 o'clock in the morning . . . could he still be up?
She decided that she'd just have to find out . . .
She parked her car and took a deep breath. "You can do this," she told herself aloud. She checked her appearance in the mirror, fluffing her hair a little and being sure that her lipstick was on straight. Finally satisfied, she opened the car door and looked up at the front door.
It was her first time in New York. She'd always imagined that this city would be exciting, that it would make her feel alive, even in the middle of the night. But she didn't feel alive or excited or even the least bit happy to be there. It was actually the last place she wanted to be at that moment . . . and the only place she had left to go.
With one more deep breath, she made herself move forward to the front porch. She rang the doorbell and waited.
* * * * *
He heard the bell and looked at the clock. It was after four; who on earth could possibly be coming by this early? He put on his robe and walked to the door to see. Not bothering with the peephole, he opened the door wide. The sight of his visitor made him gasp.
"Hello Scout," she said with an unsure smile. She prayed that he wouldn't yell at her or tell her to go away. She couldn't handle that now.
"B-b-bella?" he stammered. She nodded. "Wh-what are you doing here?" he asked.
"I didn't know where else to go," she admitted.
"What's wrong?" he immediately asked.
"What's not?" she countered with a lopsided smirk.
Every ounce of willpower he possessed told him to shut the door in her face. She'd caused him so much grief; why should he help her now? What concern was she of his anymore? He owed her nothing and she had to know that.
Still, he loved her and he knew it. He stepped aside to let her enter.
* * * * *
