Hello everyone, I've completely forgotten I had this account on this shithole of a website. You may wonder what I do? Well, I'm simply a troll. And this is a pasture, this website. What resides in this pasture? Lolcows And you know what we do we to lolcows, right? We milk them. And I've encountered no bigger lolcow in authors than Sai Kunai Blade. Go ahead and ban me but the only joy in this site is how much shit it gets. Now drown in it in this shitpost. Let's have fun until the admins wake up. This is Lolcows of FanFiction.
There's something adorable about weeaboos, natures most common modern specimen of lolcow. They take fictional characters way too seriously yet are smart enough to realize their best option in wahmen is their waifus. Body pillows, fleshlights, and grease form the staples of their diets. They seek attention in anyway daddy wouldn't give it to them. On forums arguing who is the best waifu so they can feel major satisfaction when they fuck her pillowed visage. In YouTube comments because literally anyone who drops a YouTube comment has absolutely no life. And sexually because their frustration is to the point one stroke of their might, ham-laden fist could drop a skyscraper.
You may wonder what weeaboos have to do with Sai (a topic we'll expand upon in future trips to the farm,) but it is safe to say he is among the most preeminent lolcows I've encountered on FanFiction of weeaboos. For the uninitiated, a lolcow is a person you troll and visit purely for laughs in how they conduct themselves. For some, it makes them feel better about themselves, making them ironic lolcows because of how easily trolled they are in return. For some, it's a sport, like soccer, checkers, or getting out of the bed without the forklift. For others, like myself, it's cheap and plentiful entertainment. And it's all the more fun when the lolcow does their tasks straight-faced and as if it's normal. Truly adorable.
Weebs cluster to certain franchises and shun others, but the most popular tend to attract nearly all weebs to them, whether to praise and masturbate over or to rage and get in assblasted threads about why High School DxD is better than Dragon Ball Z. I can hear thighs chaffing and grown men panting across the nation as they run to their keyboards to get angry at an opinoin that doesn't matter. But the irony is enough to cure even the most brutal of spousal bruises when one considers that they are blissfully ignorant of how irrelevant their opinions are. Not even those who agree with you give a shit, deep down. They feign these feelings of camaraderie much like their waifus feign orgasm as they think of getting taken by Tyron or Jamal at the same time. Weeaboos are hollow, empty shells of power armor that feel nothing. They have been programmed by the god of the farm to be able to authentically simulate emotions but not feel anything but autistic rage.
Weeaboo anger is their only true emotion, aside from possible lust, which is among the many sins of their lives. One false opinion or even a half-hearted remark about a character you like can send a weeaboo into a rage. They bring their mighty sausage fingers down with the collective force of a diabetic banhammer with every stroke of the keyboard, typing faster than you can say, "M'lady," and tip your fedora. It is unknown if all weeaboos are born autistic or if they eventually transition into it once their genes kick in around puberty. Their pubescence is an unusual one as it only goes so far as to allow them to sprout a pathetic neckbeard, horrible acne, enough grease to satisfy their hunger for a half hour, and sustain a pathetic erection. Lacking in this transition is pubic hair, penal growth, deepening of the voice, dropping of the testicles, or maturing beyond the point of being a mewling manchild.
As I've alluded to previously, your best bet to find weebs is to frequent any of the anime storyboards. To differentiate between a weeb and a regular fan of anime is difficult because anyone who likes anime is already retarded. But regular anime fans smell noticeably better, tend to be in good shape, and have had sex. Weebs tend to be virgins (no, desperate anal sex doesn't count and neither do your pets, you degenerates), obese, stink with the force of a thousand Indian streets, and either wear fedoras unironically or adhere to atheism, the second biggest lolcow in religion. Another factor is how well they socialize, anime fans can assimilate among normal people, much like a sociopath searching for a target. Weebs will sit in a corner like that 4chan meme, people staying far away to avoid his stench and gravitational pull, all the while brooding in his own undeserved self-satisfaction. On a side note, some believe that weebs hide a nipple beneath one of their innumerable chins, hence why they are a lolcow. Yet, this is an unconfirmed rumor and will require the work of our best scientists and spelunkers to find the truth.
Finally, weebs are odd creatures, socially. Not just for how they turn vaginas drier than an African lake, but in general, they're just fucking bizarre. Weebs are antisocial by nature, staying in their mom's basement, surviving by day on a steady diet of their parent's wifi, their disappointment, and tendies. By night, they usually switch to a different position to sit so their gout doesn't act up. But, much like the mighty wildebeest, these massive creatures can migrate en-masse, provided the stair lift doesn't jam again. For they head to fan conventions, a literal market for exchanging lolcow goods for more lolcow goods. All they are is bad smells, cosplay straight out of their parent's pilfered bank accounts, and plastic crap. That's it. Unfortunately, there are less and less crocodiles known as Chads to prey upon these might beasts, for they've started to die out since the great Beta Uprising.
So this brings us to Sai Kunai Blade, the lolcow of weebs. This is an honor of distinction for one simple fact: his level of self-importance is the only thing that casts a shadow over his colossal, amorphous frame. This is embodied by his own OC, aptly codenamed S.A.I., which stands for Such an Incel. S.A.I., much like his author, is denoted for his bulging stomach, unwashed body, brand-new fedora, copy of The God Delusion with an unworn spine, and Jew talons. He eats babies, scares away women, and fondles only the finest of Peruvian pool boy genitalia. Much of S.A.I.'s physical characteristics are a mystery but, with subtle clues, we can assume zim to be a gender fluid Syrian migrant with three clitorises instead of testicles and 145 pizza crusts to comprise zis skeleton. When S.A.I. is not being a hog of vital oxygen literally anyone else is entitled to deserve, he does literally nothing else. He embodies his creator perfectly, as he is a smug, unfunny, uninteresting, self-important douchebag.
His attempts at humor and cynicism are just waiting for Diogenese to tell him to get his bulbous ass out of his sun, a process that may take days. This man is to humor what snapping turtles are to blowjobs. His way establishing an interesting character is to give them depth in backstory, complex growth and development into adulthood, and hard decisions to make them into who they are. No, just fucking with you, he's a Mary Sue who hangs out with established, actually existing characters of fiction that are only included to juxtapose good and bad characters, like S.A.I. He just kicks it with Dante, Bayonetta, and mad anime bitches because, hey, if the cool kids accept me, then everyone has to, right? Nothing hurts him. Nothing. Because he never faces a challenge because he's just so much better. What do you want, character development? Writing difficulty is hard! He's essentially Superman. Finally, the first two big pinnings of S.A.I. as a character make his attempts to matter fall flatter than Sai does into bed each night to have a good cry and Hot Pocket. He's not funny, he's not a good brooding character, nothing about him as a character is established well other than he knows how to associate with famous people more than a scientologist.
The most arrogant thing of all is the fact his stories are written in first person when dealing with S.A.I. To the mongoloids drooling over this (all, I assume, are involved in his expanded universe of OC lolcows), what more do you need to see this is a Mary Sue? All the kid does is beat everything in his path, earn the love and adoration of all his favorite characters, and even star in his own spin-off series serving the same purpose as YouTube commentators who use avatars: mask the hideous she-beast that creates the content like a building project in 1946 Hiroshima. But what makes him a lolcow of an even higher pedigree is not just his ego of his importance but of his opinions. Like his Death Battles Done Right or Correction series, books that caused Hitler to write Mein Kampf. To draw to my former point, differing opinions are to weebs what sun is to vampires and gingers. The assblasting he pumps out is equivalent to the force that created our universe, which is sad to think he can create life over shit that doesn't matter. It's almost a philosophical answer to the meaning of life: bitching on fifth-tier social media site.
Sai is not only convinced his subpar character has gotten him over like the Stone Cold Steve Austin of the website, but he's convinced he himself has done it as a personality, despite the fact he wouldn't get personality if got AIDS and named his band Queen. Full disclosure, where he keeps his OC out of his stories and writes about other characters, they're actually pretty good. Which makes it all the more adorable that it's his own creation holding him back. He is a self-sabotaging lolcow. But onto his character, Sai makes the fatal mistake many a lolcow makes: his ego inflates more than his colostomy bag and he's convinced he is a personality. The irony is lost on lolcows, for they are myopic to the point of blindness, that he lacks personality just as much as his OC. No one fucking cares about who wins in Death Battle, the creators did a long time ago when controversy and spectacle serve them better. Way to help their cause, you fucking idiot, you showed them by obsessively watching their videos and getting them more revenue. No one cares about how badly you want to toss Goku's salad and be reamed by him. Goku is the musings of one of the many artistic pedophiles of Nippon that combine stupid haircuts, overt homosexual tension, and is essentially Jesus for the mentally inferior: he gets the shit kicked out of him, comes back stronger than ever, and pop confetti, because a winner is you!
Let's just get down to the truth. Last Thursday, Sai saw Deadpool, missed all the caveats to why it was a decent movie and character, and set to make an OC like Deadpool. Ignoring the fact Deadpool comics are shit and his fans are lolcows, Sai misses the one thing that redeems Deadpool: he's genuinely funny. Sai's attempt at comedy is breaking the fourth wall and then addressing he has broken the fourth wall, exhale forcefully from your nostrils, you filthy casuals! Then he saw the Red Trailer, pulled up his Batman loosey brownies and declared, "Mom, come quick, I want that one!" But the idea of a spectacle fighter is lost on him since it turns out writing rather than visually displaying fight scenes is harder than Sai's cock for S.A.I. Then, much like he does for his gym appointments, Sai phones it in when it comes to characterization beyond being unfunny and a self-serving anti-hero Mary Sue. You'd think he would have picked up some personality hanging out with diverse and very charismatic characters across fiction. It's almost worth praise how consistently he refuses to build character, it's like a parable to the exact opposite of what you should do. And, yay, his mom ordered right away and got the good characters bundle thrown in for free, just one payment of $29.95, just pay shipping and handling.
But none of this is anything new about weeaboos, so what distinguishes Sai? Ah, good question, my young padawan. For, you see, lolcows need a territory to roam and graze upon the fruits of shit no one cares for. When that territory is insufficient, they need to expand. Fortunately for Sai's parents' health insurance, it was not he that expanded to greatly, though his asshole has done so dangerously from all the butthurt of Knuckles getting fisted and Goku get curbstomped. It is because of a fox in the tendie house, Critics United, THE lolcows of FanFiction. They realized, like anyone with two brain cells that could rub one out, that reaction stories are fucking stupid. No one even likes reaction videos and those are still more engaging than half assing the charade of keeping your characters in character. Here's the proof: dress up as Goku, react to Death Battle on camera, and then try not to hate yourself for what a shadow of humanity you've become. Pro tip: you can't. Normally, I hate Critics United for being puritanical cunts but the enemy of my enemy is my friend. When his butt buddy, Israel Pena, forgot to pay his shekels to the gods of FanFiction, Yahweh gave him the banhammer and scooped his shit out of the pen. Many lulz were had as lolcows wondered where they could read the opinions of other people vicariously through their favorite non-existant beings.
Sai is the greatest lolcow for thinking he's important enough to need to expand his sphere of influence. The issue is, aside from his mom when she can be fucked, no one gives a shit about him. It was purely a power play to get people to follow him there, too, since he's uploaded all his other stories there as well. It's like when a girl has a Snapchat and Instagram, it's because she's a massive, self-conscious attention whore. And Sai fits the bill perfectly: he misuses his talents, he makes the mistake of thinking people actually like him for who he is and not what he does, and he hasn't paid his taxes in years. S.A.I. is literally his worst enemy, he's Hamlet'd himself and, thus, he has no choice but to kill the king or an hero, so an hero probability is a 1. I'd tell Sai to stick to stories and less on his own FanFiction lore but he's too addicted to the smell and taste of his own farts to come off that high horse safely. It's an easily escapable corner he's written himself into he refuses to leave because it's the closest thing he's had to a fulfilling childhood. At least the bullies can't hurt me online...oh, wait...well, they can't hurt me in my stories, I do that all myself!
So, Sai, conglaturations on your position as the first entrant into FanFiction's vaunted Hall of Lolcows! Enjoy your stay beside gay slash writers and anyone who thinks My Immortal is real.
Hall of Lolcows
Sai Kunai Blade: The tryhard weeb of FanFiction.
