Disclaimer: practically nothing belongs to me. Really. No money made. Ehh, the life of a fangirl.. -_-
Smiles.
"You can smile, Fai", Mokona said. "No one will blame you."
He knew . Perhaps, nobody else would. But what about himself? How could he smile freely and sincerely, knowing who he was?
Putting on a mask of warm smiles to cover the unexisting sincere warm smiles. Paradox? A joke of fate? A silly choice of a silly person? Is it, perhaps, what should be done to answer for a mistake long committed? Is it, really?
Nothing can ever be received without something else being given in return. Does a smile of a person really have the same value? Fai doesn't think so.
At least, not his own smile.
Syaoran would sell his soul for Sakura's happy expression. She is worth it.
And Sakura tries so hard to make Syaoran give at least a hint of a smiling face, however faint.
They are sincere with their feelings. They might not say everything aloud, but they let everything show on their faces. In their eyes. Their whole auras are shining with the colors of their emotions. Fai can tell, he sees those colors. The bright kaleidoscopes, forever swirling and changing tones, never staying the same, always giving away stories of sadness and guilt, love and disappointment, wonder and desperation.
His own never changes.
"You, Kurogane, Syaoran too. You're all lonely, somehow."
Fai knows that well. It's just that hearing about it from someone else is always a bit different that hearing your inner voice repeat it over and over. Alone. Alone. Alone.
Especially when it comes from someone who is supposedly not very bright, in the sense of reason at least.
But Mokona is not stupid, or unsuspecting, or anything of the sort, not in the least.
Here, Fai and Mokona are very alike. Both make others see them as easy, always having fun, eternally happily walking the roads of life with a smile, no hardships met on their way. When, in reality, inside their souls are clawing and screaming so loud it rings in their ears. But they still put on warm smiles.
They are lying? Hardly. They are not telling the truth. That's different.
Fai is sure of that. Others believe in the masks they put on and see the masks as them. But that's not Fai's fault, is it?
He's no good at showing emotions. He prefers to hide them. It's just that, he chooses not to become a cold bastard snipping at others, that would be unbeneficial: there are always those who think the bastard hides a soft sweet heart inside and just needs love and warmth.
Fai isn't like that. What he needs cannot be given. He has nothing to give in exchange. Therefore he will be left without that what he desires. And he knows.
He doesn't need people lurking around and watching into him. The best way to make sure they stay away is to make them believe there's nothing hidden. People lose interest when there's nothing they don't know.
He gives away fake smiles over and over. When he shows a real one no one notices it as anything special.
His smiles are not worth anything.
Worthless? Hardly.
When he stops smiling, Kurogane sighs softly and looks away. As if letting Fai have some privacy with his own thoughts, giving him time to hide the reality that Fai wants to keep hidden, as if it is shameful to show your true self to others. As if you are undeserving of that knowledge.
Or is it they who are undeserving?
Kurogane never says anything.
He knows?
Fai chooses not to answer that.
But he knows. Somewhere deep, deep inside, where his own little half-broken reality sleeps calmly, the answers are buried. They will not come out of course. They are like the smiles: fake and unneeded being given away, treasured ones kept securely inside, forever out of reach or sight.
Not worth anything?
Hardly.
Fai should know.
Fai knows.
