Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. This fanfic was only made in jest.


A loud echoing crack broke the sleepy silence like a gunshot; a cat streaked out from under a parked car and flew out of sight; a shriek; a bellowed oath and the sound of breaking china came from the Dursleys' living room, and as though this was the signal Harry had been waiting for he jumped to his feet, at the same time pulling from the waistband of his jeans a thin wooden wang as if he was unsheathing a sword – but before he could draw himself up to full height, the top of his head collided with the Dursleys' open window.

For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncle's sausage like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang; then, as the pain in the top of Harry's head gave a particularly nasty throb, Uncle Vernon yelped and released Harry as though he had received an electric shock.

Harry stuffed his wang hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.

He wouldn't want to lose face in front of the gang, but he'd be terrified of provoking Harry ... it would be really fun to watch Dudley's dilemma, to taunt him, watch him, with him powerless to respond ... and if any of the others tried hitting Harry, he was ready – he had his wang.

'Think you're a big man carrying that thing, don't you?' Dudley said after a few seconds.

'What thing?'

'That – that thing you are hiding.'

Harry grinned again.

'Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s'pose, if you were, you wouldn't be able to walk and talk at the same time.'

Harry pulled out his wang. He saw Dudley look sideways at it.

'You're not allowed,' Dudley said at once. 'I know you're not. You'd get expelled from that freak school you go to.'

'How'd you know they haven't changed the rules, Big D?'

'They haven't,' said Dudley though he didn't sound completely convinced.

Harry laughed softly.

...

'He was sixteen, for your information,' snarled Dudley,' and he was out could for twenty minutes after I'd finished with him and he was as twice as heavy as you. You just wait till i tell Dad you had that thing out –'

'Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's wang?'

'DUDLEY, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! WHATEVER YOU DO, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Wang!' Harry muttered frantically, his hands flying over the ground like spiders.

'Where's – wang – come on – lumos!'

He said the spell automatically, desperate for light to help him in his search – and to his disbelieving relief, light flares inches from his right hand – the wang tip had ignited.

Stumbling backwards, Harry raised his wang.

A silver wisp of vapour shot from the tip of his wang.

Another wisp of silver smoke, feebler than the last, drifted from the wang – he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't work the spell.

An enormous silver stag erupted from the tip of Harry's wang.

Harry made to stow his wang hurriedly out of sight, but –

'Don't put it away, idiot boy!' she shrieked.