Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter…he's too expensive at Pet Co

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter…he's too expensive at Pet Co.

Uncle Vernon's Fat Adventure

"Harry! For the last time, check on the bloody bacon!" yelled Uncle Vernon from the sitting room. He was just finishing writing his essay: "Fat Man in Crisis: Need Donut Stat" and was feeling…a bit famished.

"All right, Fatso!" Harry yelled as he jumped down the stairs. He tripped on Dudley's…toy truck (aka dildo) and swore loudly.

"WHAT WAS THAT, BOY?" Vernon slammed his penis down and stomped over to the landing. Small craters appeared with every step he took. And by small, I mean huge. And by huge I mean massive. He puts the 'ass' in 'massive'. F'rlz this gai be HUEG D:.

ANYWAY, so Harry was standing there, waving Dudley's dildo in Vernon's face.

"WHAT is Dudley doing with THIS?!" Harry wiggled the thing a bit. "And how come I don't get one?! I'm a growing boy, too, you know!"

"YOU are an ungreatful little brat!" Vernon spat at him. He was so close to hitting Harry…or eating him..whichever. I don't really care about Harry and his Uncle's relationship. "Plus…Dudley needs this more than you do! Anyway, where's the damn bacon!?"

"In the kitchen, your favorite place!" Harry stomped out of the…room that the stairs were in and into the kitchen. Boy, Harry was being a dick today! Vernon was about to follow Harry when he stopped. He suddenly had very bad stomach pains.

"Oh…-er-…PETUNIA!"

"What was that?" Harry was halfway into the main room with the stairs and shit. He was about to throw the bacon at Vernon and say "EAT IT DAMMIT!" when he noticed the baby squirming between Vernon's fleshy hot ankles.

"PETUNIA!" Vernon called. Harry was surprised to find his fat Uncle not freaking out. "YOU WERE RIGHT! I WAS PREGNANT!"

"Oh SNAP!" Harry exclaimed.

Fin.

"Headmaster, I need to speak to you about certain issues-" Snape stopped as he walked over to Dumbledore's desk. "WHAT are you writing?"

"Oh –er-…I get bored, too you know!" Dumbledore took his fanfic and hid it in a special spot…right next to the dildo.

Fin fr rlz