Chapter 1

This story is one hundred percent true. Not even kidding. I'm not kidding about the backpacks, the salad dressing, the port-a-potty, or even the graveyard.

I'm completely convinced that my life is a Saturday Night Live skit.

Why?

Because we just moved.

We moved to this nice little town in Colorado, way up high in the mountains. We have friends who live up here, too. We live on the same mountain as them, but about a mile away.

Our friends, the Gellars, have the perfect neighbours.

The neighbours who invite you over to dinner, plow your driveway when it's snowy, and go grocery shopping for you when they're in town.

But guess who we got?

We got the neighbours from Hell.

This is my incredibly true memoirs of living near… them.

We pull right up to our new house.

Only here's the thing: It's winter and the driveway is covered in snow.

Our car gets stuck right at the bottom, and our mum decides just to park the car at the bottom of the driveway.

My brother, Shane, is just about to die from anticipation. It had been a really long car ride from our old house in Texas to here, and Shane jumps out of the car right when it stops and starts running to the house.

Jason turns to me. "He obviously doesn't realize that snow is cold when you're wearing shorts and tennis shoes."

We hear Shane scream and run back over to us, hopping back in the car through the window, chanting, "Cold! Cold, cold, cold!"

Jason hands him a blanket. "That's why the rest of us didn't hop out like you, you idiot."

"I know, I know," Shane says, "but I wanted to claim the best room for myself!"

"Calm down, Shane," Mum tells him. "All the rooms are exactly the same."

"Nuh huh!" Shane sings.

Jason nods. "They are, Shane. I saw the floor plans."

"Well I want one upstairs."

"They're all on the second floor."

"Well… good then."

Mum called someone to plow our driveway, but they said that it's negative six out and the fuel for the plowing machine type device froze and it could be awhile before it thaws out.

"So what do you want to do?" Mum asks.

"Run like the wind up to our house!" Shane exclaims, grabs the house keys, and runs as fast as he can up the driveway, screaming. Only he trips and falls a bit, but makes it to the top and opens the garage, running inside.

Mum, Jason, and I all exchange glances.

And that's when we saw them.

The neighbours from Hell.

They came walking through the forest from their house – they didn't even bother to use the plowed street – carrying these giant backpacks on their backs.

And the backpacks had these antennas on them and they were wearing green goggles.

So the first thing I thought was, "Oh my god! Aliens!"

Oh, how I was so… right.