Now that it was settled, why did the prospect of going to DC feel so wrong ? She had said "yes" on an impulse, after the stressful interview with Abbot. She had been suddendly tired of being dragged in Jane's tortuous schemes, tired of lying to his superiors. Life with Pike was safety, the possibility to be again a normal cop, with no nonsense, careful methods of investigation.

But now, listening to Pike speaking about their new life, she felt as if she was being trapped, with the looming impression she was forgetting something, something final. After dinner, pretending to be tired, she came back home alone. She felt bad about disappointing Pike, but she needed time alone to ponder over her too sudden decision, and to find out what kind of important factor it seemed she was missing.

At home, she went for seeking taking a beer in the fridge, but then decided for a cup of herbal tea. Better for having clear thoughts, she decided. But she was fully aware it was just one of the many things that proved how much Jane had rubbed off on her.

Jane. She suddenly remembered her moment of utter panic when he had been arrested in front of her in the FBI bullpen. The prospect of Jane being sent to jail for years this time had chased any other thought in his head. During the long hours she had spent thinking of the way she would answer to the grand jury, she had been unable even to anwer to Pike's many phonecalls, ignoring them as she turned in her head, again and again, her worst fears and the best answers she could imagine to the incoming questioning. How would Jane cope with this new imprisonment ? He didn't seem to be that fine in the previous weeks, sleeping more and more often in the bullpen, taking more and more unnecessary risks, imagining some of the most devious schemes he'd ever had, and above all, being more withdrawn and secretive than he had ever been.… And in front of the jury, what could she answer if she was asked if Jane had ever told her that he planned to kill Red John ? What would Fisher say when she'd be asked about that fateful day ?

Lisbon sudenly straightened on her couch, her cup of tea forgotten. How well she remembered what kind of overwhelming feeling she had had for a moment. It was then, in that waiting room, while she was expecting to be summoned in front of the grand jury, that she had realised that she would never feel at peace and happy if she couldn't be sure that Jane felt the same. She would never feel safe as long as she would worry for Jane's safety and mental health. In spite of her nice relationship with Pike, Jane was still the most important person in her life, and it seemed that nothing could change that.

Then of course, she had learnt that all this had been a scam and that Jane, once more, had left her in the dark, as if she meant nothing for him, as if he didn't trust her at all. Later, she had forgiven him, well aware herself that she was not such a good actress that she could have concealed her lack of worry about the trial's outcome. She had forgiven him, but not completely, and she had dismissed the memory of what she had felt before the trial as an overreaction to Jane's predicament.

But then, he had shown up at her door, bringing canolis at a very unsuitable hour, telling her in that hoarse voice, loaded with repressed emotions, that all what he wanted was her to be happy. It didn't take a mentalist's insight to understand what it meant. Jane was miserable at the idea of her departure, but willing to endure it for her sake.

But what if the prospect of going to DC with Pike didn't make her that happy ? What if she told him so ?

She had tried once, when she had sat at his side on his couch, a very revealing gesture in itself, as she did it very seldom, and had never done it since she was with Pike. But then, her phone had rung and he had quietly told her to answer, as if he had not a clue about what she wanted to tell him.

Yet in fact, he knew it perfectly. He just didn't want her to say it.

Maybe it was at that very moment, and not when Pike had asked her again, that she had taken her decision to go to DC. Jane didn't want to talk about her feelings for him, because he'd never feel the same for her. As his ring testified it, he was forever in love with his dead wife, forever unable to move on because he felt responsible for her death. She was his friend, the most important person in his life, her incoming departure was eating him inside, but he'd never be able to offer what Pike could give her : a romantic relationship, a stable couple, possibly a family.

She had interpreted it that way, and had decided she had nothing left to do than to move on. For she wanted all this, before it was too late. Pike was a nice guy, she was attracted to him, and in time she may truly love him.

But then, it was Jane she was dealing with. What if she was wrong ? What if he had deceived her once again, for her own good, or so he thought ?

How could she have discarded, all along these last months, how damaged he was, whereas she was the one who knew him the best ?

Let's see.

On one hand, he had somehow avoided her, teaming with Fisher instead of her. He had flirted with Krystal, taken unnecessary risks on that case and on many other ones, knowing very well that she hated it, had decided to live in an airstream as if he wanted the possiblility to be elsewhere on a whim. He had kept from her that his indictment for murder was a scam, knowing that it would disappoint her a lot. It was as if he had purposefully pushed her away from him by showing her that he had not changed at all.

On another hand, he was still wearing, day after day, the socks she had given to him, which meant he had to wash them every evening, That kind of absurd, but somehow touching gesture was really a sign of how messed up he really was. And she had spent too much time with him to be fooled by his collected, smiling facade. It was not hard for her to see that the real zest for life, the capacity to enjoy small things and to live on them seemed to have deserted him. As well as his sleep. She had learnt long ago how to detect the signs of his worst periods of insomnia.

Whether it was because he was upset to lose his best friend of because he concealed different kind of feelings, Jane wasn't all right at all. And she had to face the truth : she had waited for him to step forward first, but he's never do it. He was too broken to move on by his own. And it seems that she couldn't do as if she didnt know it.

Yes, she suddenly realised that she couldn't go to DC without knowing exactly what was happening in that messed up head of his. For long, she had refrained from telling him about her true feelings, because she was afraid to cause him more pain by forcing him to deny her what she wanted of him. But now that she was going anyway, what was the point ? If she was only a friend for him, they would be both relieved that she was leaving. If he was in love with her, this was her last chance to find it out. She knew that what she was about to do didn't seem very fair to Pike. But in fact, even for him, she had to do it, because only that way she could have an honest relationship with him.

Lisbon stood up, exited and headed to the FBI bullpen. She knew Jane would be here.

It was now or never.

TBC