Dear Miranda,

I know when you write a diary it is supposed to say 'Dear Diary' but that just seems ridiculous to me because it isn't an inanimate object that I want to talk to you. It's you. Then again that shouldn't come as a surprise because it's always you. It's you I want to talk to. It's you that i want to see. It's you that I want to love. It's you that I want to be with.

You. Just you. Well you and those beautiful girls. I love all three of you. I know it is probably a little delusional because let's face it… you will never see me in the way I wish and pray you to. You will never look at me with the love in your eyes for me as I do for you. There is even less of a chance of it now though as I made what may have been the biggest mistake of my life.

I left. I left you in Paris when I know I should have stayed because I know you needed me. Yet I could not be what you needed me to be. I could not stand by your side and be strong whilst pretending I'm not deeply in love with you. I could not stand there and pretend any longer that you aren't everything to me.

When I close my eyes at night I dream of a world where I didn't leave you and where I had the guts to tell you how much I love you. I dream of a perfect world where you say 'I love you' back and where I can love you freely. I used to dream of it being just us and the girls but now there's another bundle in the picture. I imagine you holding a baby wrapped in a blanket; sometimes the blanket is pink and sometimes it's blue.

That's the reason I decided to write this even though I haven't written in my diary for such a long time. I'm pregnant. I wanted to write this to you even though I know that you will never read it because you are the one that I want to tell. The moment that I realised I was pregnant I wanted to go straight to you and tell you, isn't that silly? I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it so, that's another reason I am writing this to you, I suppose.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I wish it was your baby instead of his. I know that isn't quite… possible but in a perfect world this baby would have your DNA flowing through him or her rather than that slimy rat's. I want to ignore that though… ignore his relation to my precious baby because he will never ever ever have anything to do with them. Not now. Not ever.

I'm going to go to bed, I'm so tired and I need to be up early in the morning for when Nigel comes to breakfast. Should I tell him? About the baby?

I look forward to seeing you in my dreams, my love. I hope I dream of you, Caroline, Cassidy, and this new little baby. I wish I could live in my dream world forever.

All my love, forever and always,

Andrea x