Slut,

Whore,

Desperate,

Ugly,

Worthless,

Freak,

Greedy,

Fat,

Useless,

Mistake

Demon.

The words were running all over my head, and they wouldn't stop for a second. Those voices overpowered me. They controlled my life, and no matter how hard I try to stop it, it will never budge. I have tried. So many times, but nothing has worked.

As i'm sitting here, on the edge of my bed with silky red sheets, I stare blankly down at my hands which were in my lap. My eyes traced the palmar flexion creases, and then towards my veins on my wrists which are covered in scars and new(ish) cuts.

The cuts have only been frequently nowadays. I did used to do them before, but not as frequently. I had my life together back then with only small problems that I could deal with, but this? I have lost everything. My father is a abusive and a drinker, I lost my friendship group, I am getting pushed into lockers, people are finding out about my past and nobody cares enough to stop it. Nobody.

My eyes left my arms and hands, and go towards my legs and feet. My thighs, they are too big. I barely eat anything, and they aren't getting any smaller. I slowly raise my foot off the floor, bringing up my thigh and getting away the fat that had exploded from them when I sat down, and then lowering it to see it reappear. My feet also are too big, but I am a big person overall, so why didn't I expect that?

I take a deep breath before slowly standing up and slowly walking over towards my bedside table. Once I reached, I grabbed the black pen and my notebook before sitting on my bed. I made a list of who needed a note:

Father,

Camielle,

Izzy,

Simon,

Clary,

Jace

Alexander.

Dear Father,

I am truly sorry. I am sorry for not being the "child" you wanted, I am sorry for not being their to cook your food when you were too lazy to get up, I am sorry that I wasn't there to pleasure you, I am sorry for being an abomination, I am sorry for being fucked up and I am sorry for not being good enough for you to be called your child. To be raised properly.

Every name you've called me, every duty you have given me, every order, every blame. They all hurt me in ways you don't understand. They have all hurt me, but they also made me who I am today. Insecure, depressed and lonely.

You've made me push people away because I didn't want anyone having to deal with the pain of loving me.

I was depressed because I had to let go of people I loved.

You made me insecure to ever go near someone who is suicidal, because you wouldn't want them to end up like mom, which was my fault, isn't it?

I don't know how you thought that treating me like that was the right way, because it wasn't. You made me hate myself even more than before, and I thought that wasn't possible. But now, I have no time. I have no care. I dont care anymore. I don't have time to wait for you to be the parent you were meant to be, so I am leaving. And I am never coming back.

And through all of this shit, I still love you. I love you because you are my parent and you should love me as well. I hope you have a good life, dad. Nice knowing you.

Magnus.

….

Dear Camille,

Thank you. When we were friends, you were the perfect best friend to have. You made me smile and laugh on days I didn't want to, you helped me become confident and you helped me believe that everything was going to be okay in the end. You honestly were great.

But you aren't now. You're not the same person. You are greedy, pushy and rude. Everything you helped me with vanished into thin air in the matter of a week, all because you found someone better than me. You abused my trust, you abused my heart and you abused my body. You forced me into things I didn't want to do and I will never forgive you for that.

Through the years you acted like a good person, I loved you. But then everything changed and we were never the same, and we will never be the same. I cant thank you enough for helping me when I was at my lowest, but you are a different person now, so it doesn't matter.

Don't be the person you are now. Be the person who you were before.

Magnus.

Dear Izzy,

Hey Izzy. If you're reading this, this is a sign for I gave up. I know that you expected this to be a fuck you letter, but it isn't. It is a goodbye letter, because you would stop be from doing this, but I need to do this. For you, for Simon, Clary, Jace and especially Alexander.

I know that I have been a dick to you, but I wrote this letter because I wanted to tell you that I have always loved you, and I always will. You had been there for me when I first got picked on by the popular kids (other than you) at school, and multiple times after that, and although I told you to leave me alone and that I could handle it, you stayed. You stayed because you knew that I couldn't, and you knew that beneath my walls that I put up, you knew that I was broken and that I would end up doing something bad to myself because of it.

I know that doing this will be a shock for you, probably, because I was always smiling, and I was always happy, and although you did break my walls before, these walls were stronger. And although I would be disappointed in other people for not finding out, im not disappointed in you because I knew that these walls were too strong. But thank you, for helping me in school and being an amazing friend.

Please keep your brother happy, and dont let him be hung up on someone like me. Someone who doesn't deserve it. You have every right to throw this letter away, and burn it if you'd like, but if Alexander is upset, help him forget me. I dont want him being sad over someone who broke his heart, and someone who didn't deserve to be here in the first place.

I hope you have a good life, and have a happy and healthy relationship in the future.

I know that we are not on good terms, and you have every right to hate me but I do still love you and I always will.

Magnus xo

….

Dear Simon,

You have always been the greatest friend to me, ever since I met you, and you made me the happiest I felt in a long with you made me never me regret my life, or actions. You never made me regret being here either, and I cant thank you enough for everything you've done when others weren't there.

I wrote this letter as a goodbye, because I could never leave the world without saying a goodbye to one of the best people that have ever been in my life. From watching star wars together, to pillow fights, to singing songs we dont know the lyrics to and calling each other other names, you were always the one I would go to when I needed cheering up.

I love that you always put yourself first. Even if you are having a bad day, you make it your duty to make others happy even when you arent/weren't. But I hope in the future that you think about yourself because making people happy when you never were yourself could fuck you up, and I wish nothing bad for you in the future.

I hope that you have a good relationship, and have kids with your dream wife *cough* izzy *cough* with your dream job.

Dont be afraid to put yourself before others, especially when you need it the most.

I love you, Seamen.

Magnus xxx

Dear Clary,

I know that you probably are guessing what this letter is about, but although this will come with a bad outcome for me, this is all positive.

I have always admired your art. Although I never said it, you have a great gift and I hope you turn that into something special in the future. Although we were never close, and always argued, I did think that you were an amazing young girl. You have a girl, you are beautiful and you have a great personality. Jace is lucky to have you, and I am glad that I knew you for the time being.

I hope the future gives you good, and all positive things because you deserve the best of the best.

I love you, and dont be afraid to put your art and writing out there. From the stories I have read about your past and how you dealt with them, I know that you can change somebody's life, and possibly save one and I hope that you do do that.

Magnus xxx

…..

Dear Jace,

Before you throw this letter away by the fact that you hate me, please, dont. If you are currently reading this with the gang, then you may or may not know what this letter is about. This isn't for reconcile, this isn't for love and this isn't for you all to have me back. Its my goodbye letter, because I wont be here anymore.

You may think I am lying, which in fact I am not. I know I hurt your brother Jace, and doing this is better for you and me, but dont hate me. I have had problems left right up and down in my life and its like I can never escape. All the others have gotten positive things, but I cant with you. Because you hate me for the fact that I hurt your brother, and I get that, but now you dont have to hate me because there will be no me. This is all very dramatic but I am being serious.

I love your brother, I do, I just dont know how to handle with everything. You should know by now that I dont like having relationships because they will always end in heartbreak, so you should've know I would've handled that situation dramatically. I am a messed up person, Jace, and thats why I am leaving. To put you, Alexander and the rest at peace.

Anyways, I think that Alec will be upset that I done this, so if he is, then please take care of him. I know that you dont want to take orders from me and all that shit, but please, this is your brother. The brother you love. Do it for him, and for me.

Take care,

Magnus

...

Dear Alexander,

I fucked up. I fucked up so much, and I am sorry for being so horrible towards you. I would do anything to make it up to you, but this is my only hope that you will forgive me, because I cant do this anymore. I cant do life anymore, not without you. And people will say thats dramatic, and I know it is, but its true. You and the group made me so fucking happy. When I was having problems dealing with things, you were all there to help me. You made me believe that everything would be okay and that I was perfect the way I was, and I love you so fucking much for that,

You are always going to be the one I love the most. The one I would do anything for. Have I told you that the reason I had a black eye the other day was because Sebastian and his group were planning on hurting you, and I told them to hurt me instead? Did you know I had a broken arm because I defended you in front of my dad and he broke my arm for it? Did you know that Camille said she would hurt you if she didn't have her way with me? It was because I love you, Al. And I would do anything in the fucking world to keep you happy, and to keep you safe, and thats why im leaving.

I dont know what to say in this other than I love you so much and I wish the best for you,

Magnus xoxoxo

...

I sighed before putting down my letters that I wrote. This is it… this is really it. I have attempted in the past, but I was never sure it was going to work and never wrote a note to anyone, but now I know that there is no turning back. Not now, and not ever. I wish I could say my goodbyes to the group face to face, but I can't do that. I have already hurt Alexander and the rest enough, and if I told them, they would never let me do it, no matter how much they hate me.

I took a deep breath before rising from my bed and going around my room, collecting items that the others might want back. For Clary, her notepad, books, and pencils. Simon, his Harry Potter book collection. Izzy, her black, grey and white nail polishes. Jace, his football. Alec, a photograph. The photo was a picture of when we were just friends back then, but it was beautiful.

Alec was wearing a green shirt and loose, baggy black jeans, trainers and had a black rucksack on his back, whereas I was wearing tight black jeans with a zigzag pattern on the side, a black vest with which lines, a dark purple coat with golden buttons and the same colour purple boots. We were in the street, and had the biggest grins on our faces. My left hand was on his shoulder while the other one was resting on his chest, looking away and he had his right hand on my waist while the other one was just hanging on his side, with him looking at me with such love. That picture was a perfect example of our relationship, even if the picture was taken before we were even together.

Tears were building behind my eyes, but I wiped them away and stuffed the picture in the bag before zipping it up and putting on some shoes before walking towards the door, turning off the light. I stopped at the door frame and took in my room for the last time. I smiled before hesitantly turning my attention back to getting out of here.

I walked downstairs and poked my head in the living room doorway to see if my father was home which, with no surprise, he wasn't. I sighed and dished out his and Camille's letter and putting it on the kitchen counter. I walked towards the front door and without looking back, walked out, slamming the door behind me.

It was 9:46pm when I got to Simon's house. His house was new, with clean glass, 2 floors and an amazing front yard. On the inside though, it just seemed like any normal house. Nothing was old fashioned besides some of the paintings that were hung up in the living room but they were beautiful.

I opened the front gate to his house as silently as I could before slipping inside and walking towards the door. My steps were slow, and hesitant. Do I want to do this? Is it worth is? I thought, but they were quickly pushed aside before I remembered that they all hated me. My father and Camille added onto that list.

I got to the black door, and slowly opened the mail receiver and immediately hearing noise from the inside. The sound of laughter, music and video games were being played in the background. I smiled, remembering what it was like back then, when I was joined in that group.

I got the letters out of my bag, before placing my bag on the floor, leaning against the wall. I let go of the mail receiver, and quickly put the letters on the floor, just in front of the door. I stood up straight, closing my eyes and taking a deep breathe. I opened my eyes, and brought my fist up to the door, knocked 4 times, before running off and out of the gate. Just as I made it to the edge of his house, where the wall blocked the view for the person from the inside, and peeked my head around the corner.

Simon was there. He bent down, his eyes scanning over the letters, clearly confused on whos they were, before his eyes landed on the bag. He gets back up and calls something that I couldn't hear to the other people inside and soon they were all at the door, looking down. I leaned closer,

"Doesn't that bag belong to Magnus?" Izzy, I presume, guessed. I looked over to see Simon nodding and picking up the letters, handing them out.

"Guys, this doesn't seem good. What if he done something?" Clary asked, opening the letter.

"He wouldn't do anything, but even if he did, would anyone give a shit?" Jace growled. I looked down at my shoes when I heard laughter coming out of peoples mouths. There were a couple minutes of silence before I heard a gasp. I looked back up to see Simon with his hand over his mouth.

"Simon? What's wrong?" Isabelle asked, putting her hand on his shoulder. He stumbled backwards towards the group before spinning around to face them.

"Jace, call 911. Izzy, get Alec! Now!" He said, pushing Jace inside. He shook his head, eyebrows coming together in confusion.

"Why? Did he kill someone or something?" Jace asked. Simon shook his head, and when Clary finally got what he meant, she put her shaking hand over her mouth.

"He's going to kill himself…" She said. They all gasped before Jace ran inside, followed by Izzy. Almost a second later, Izzy came out of the door with Alec trailing behind her. He had a line on his forehead, meaning he was confused before asking what was going on.

"He is going to kill himself, Alec. You have to help him!" Clary said, tears falling down her eyes, but before I could hear anymore, I ran off into the distance of the Brooklyn Bridge.

I made it to the Brooklyn Bridge, breathless. My phone was buzzing a thousand times while I was running here, but I ignored it. I went to the middle, before walking to the railing and peeking over the side and looked at the water rushing below him. I took a deep breath, shaking my hands while jumping on the spot. Come on, Magnus. Just get over the railing and jump, I thought.

After a couple moments of debating on what to do, I took the easy answer and put my right leg onto the other side of the railing, with my other leg following. Just as my foot lowered onto the ground, my phone started buzzing again. I sighed, gripping onto the railing with my right hand before taking my phone out of my pocket with my left. I looked at the ID and almost fainted, it was Alexander. I took a deep breath before answering the call.

"Magnus, tell me where you are right now!" Alec yelled. He sounded heartbroken with a mix of anger and regret, or… guilt? Why would he be guilty?

"Alexander…" I said, in barely a whisper. A tear fell from my felt so good to hear him, to hear him say my name… Muttered chatter came from the other side of the phone,

"Magnus… please. Tell me where you are, and I will help..." He replied, voice cracking. I debated on telling him anything, before sighing. Another tear fell,

"Brooklyn Bridge. I… Im gone in 5 minutes, Alexander. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, and I love you." I hung up. Taking a deep breathe, I looked at the time. 10:23pm. 10:28pm will be the time of my death, and there is nothing holding me back.

I was staring at the water below me when I heard a car pull up and a million doors slamming shut. I quickly looked at the time on my phone, 10:26pm. Damn. I tightened my grip on the railing when I heard footsteps behind me. 10:27pm. The footsteps were getting closer.

"MAGNUS!" A girl yelled. I heard Sirens coming closer and closer. The footsteps stopped. I slowly brought myself back to the railing and turned around to be greeted the with people. They all had worried, concerned and guilty looks on their faces. Alec stepped forward and grabbed my hand. I pushed it away from mine and checked the time. Still 10:27pm…

"Magnus… please. Don't do this…" He cried. A tear fell down his face and I hesitantly brought my shaking hand to his face, cupping it, and wiping away the tear. I saw the ambulance and cop cars pull up and I looked back at my phone to see it was still the same fucking time.

"You know I can't do that, Alec. I can't. I betrayed you. I betrayed your trust. I betrayed your heart and your fucking heart. I broke you. You heard Jace say it, who cares if something fucking happens to me? I am horrible. I am a horrible person and I don't deserve to be here. Not anymore." I wiped a tear from my eye, my grip loosening a bit, "You need to find someone good. Someone better than me. Hell, everyone is better than me, Alec. Choose someone else." I said, tears falling down my eyes.

"No… Mags, I love you and only you. I can't do that. Please, just let me help you… I can't do this without you!" He said with his voice cracking at certain points. I looked down at my phone, 10:28pm. I looked up to see him staring wide eyed at the phone. I turned it off and threw it into the direction of the group,

"There are 7 billion people in the world. Who would care if you lost one?" I asked rhetorically. He looked up at me, shaking his head, "I love you, Alexander." I said, pulling him into the last kiss. It was full of desperation, care, and… love. I broke it off, leaning my forehead against his before kissing his cheek, pushing him away.

He was shaking his head at me, before I mouthed I love you. I closed my eyes, let go of the railing and began falling backwards. I heard screaming in the back, but they got quieter and quieter. I felt like I was flying, but I felt a hand grabbing mine and I snapped my eyes open.

The group and some police officers were all bending over the railing to see me. They all had scared expressions on their faces, some were crying but some were shown emotionless. I looked over to see Jace grabbing my hand with Alec by his side,

"Jace, if you don't fucking let me go I swear to god!" I yelled, pulling at my hand. The water sounded violent beneath me, crashing into each other and getting everything wet around it. I looked beneath me and felt my arm being pulled and my face crashing into a chest. Before I could react, hands were on my waist and I felt myself being lifted over the railing. Once I was placed onto the floor, I pushed the person off me, onto to be greeted with a crying Alec.

"Let me do this, goddamnit! I don't deserve to be here! Let me be free for once and not break people's hearts! Let me leave so I don't have to be called the school slut again, let me leave so I don't have to have people raping me and taking advantage of me, let me leave so I don't do damage, and let me fucking leave for myself! Because I hate me! I don't want to be fucking me and I know that you all hate me!" I yelled, wiping tears from my eyes. I scanned my eyes over the group only to be met with silence. I looked down and turned around, wiping tears from my eyes. Police tape were on either side of the bridge, with a group of many people looking in.

I started walking off the pavement and onto the road, only to be hit with a wave of nausea and dizziness. I played it off, and continued walking to the other side of bridge to the railing. When I lifted my leg up, I felt even more dizzy and leaned against it for support. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up to see Izzy. She was saying something but I couldn't hear her. I paid my attention back to the matter at hand and pushed myself onto the railing.

When I looked back, everyone was blurry. A tear fell from Alec's face, and I reached up to wipe it off. He smiled and grabbed onto my hand. He said something. I said something. I don't even know what I said, but the last thing I saw was Alec's scared face and people crowding around him before blackness overtook.


hihihihihihihihihihihihi

i was dead for like a week or something ayayayyayay for bad schedules!

okay no that wasn't what happened. for my other story, i started off really strong and i really did have inspiration for it but now i have lost interest and have no fucking clue what to do next in the story. im not good with stories unless they are like 2 chapters.

so im sorry if you enjoyed that story but once i find the insperation to do the next chapter then i will!

btw if u want this to have another chapter than comment or something idk bc idk if i wanna continue it or not

okay baiii