Mood music: Goodbye and End, both by Secondhand Serenade

Dear Diary,

I broke water. I woke up the other day and I can't seem to lose the awareness. It is sharp, much sharper than I think it would be had I not spent the last four months in a haze of numbness. But why the sudden change? What does it accomplish? It just brings the pain into focus, acute and piercing. But why now? Why do I have to feel now? I think I would rather step back into the haze, the pain seems like it is too much for one person to bear. I don't understand it either. Why is it that I can feel the hole in my chest but I can't feel my heart beat?

I guess I do know. I mean, if I really stop to consider it it makes sense that I cannot feel my heart beat. It's not mine. It belongs to him, so it makes sense that it would disappear when he did. That it would go with him wherever he went. But he doesn't want it, so why can't he give it back?

How does it work when you have ended your life? When you have done all but physically stopped your heart, how can you be expected to continue living as though nothing has happened? How do you put into words the numbness that takes over? I gave up my life, all but ended it. Once I made my choice, I did not expect to continue living so what do I do with the unexpected consequence? I can't continue on my merry way, I can't pretend that I did not make my choices to tie my myself completely to another person in death because that is exactly what I did. Like a person with a gun to their head you just pray that it doesn't hurt because at that point you know that death is pretty much inevitable. So how then, once you have reconciled yourself for a death that didn't come, do you get up off of your knees and walk away? You can't, because regardless of the fact that you are still breathing, a part of you died there that day. You lost something that is to never come back, maybe it is a loss of innocence but maybe it is something more. Perhaps a certain piece of you does die and no matter what , no matter how hard you wish and pray and plead nothing will revive it except to have it all taken back. Nothing except to finally die the way you always expected.

But why then do I try? It is hard to pinpoint the moment that my life ended. I guess, if I had to declare a certain moment it would have to be the moment that I first saw him. I tied my life to him, so now what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Emptiness. Pain. I am drowning in it. Drowning in the memories of what could have been, the family and the life that I had chosen, the love that I have for someone who does not return it. No matter what, I can't get him out of my head and I honestly don't think that I want to…