An Ode to Donuts

Your soft insides seem to melt within my mouth

Sometimes filled with delight

Custard or Jelly

Which will you be?

Your outsides so crisp

Covered in the most delicious things.

Cinnamon, sugar, glaze, chocolate

How can I decide?


"Sit down, fatty."

"Did she seriously just read that?"

Did I?

Why the hell did I do that?

"Class, class, the assignment was to write on something you know and enjoy."

"Should have just written it on bacon grease, Oink."

Well, I do enjoy a bacon dressing.

"It was lovely Ashley, why don't you sit down."

Why do the put these desks so close together?

It has to be a fire hazard.

"Careful, chubby."

"Watch where you're going."

"Class!"

I make it to my seat with only one attempted leg tripping. Which makes today a pretty good day.

"Lily, why don't you read your poem?"

Lily Jackson.

She gave me the nickname Oink two years ago.

It stuck. Like a cinabon left in its box in the car overnight.

"I don't know how I'd possibly beat donuts, Mrs. Martin."

The class laughs.

I chuckle as well.

Well, it was kind of funny.


"Watch where your fat ass swings, Oink."

I walk down the halls.

I don't think the school board took my hallway widening proposal seriously.

I'll have to rewrite it more persuasively.

I recently read an entire blog on persuasive writing.

It was written by someone with an .edu email address so they really know what they're talking about.

I've also read a blog on Portuguese style chicken.

I'm thinking of moving to Portugal now.

I should have noticed Michael Porter and Darren Kennedy waking up behind me but I'm highly distracted by the fact that I'm certain I can smell the chicken.

Somewhere.

I wonder if I've mastered creating matter in my head.

I sure hope so. It would save a lot of walking.

I feel the ribbon being pulled out of my hair.

"Hey! Give it back."

Michael holds the ribbon over his head.

Stupid boys, I can't jump.

"It's not like you don't have a million more, Oink."

But that one matches this shirt!

"Not in this color."

"Trust us. We're doing you a favor."

They begin to walk away.

Now, I could follow after them or I could go and see if they're serving fried chicken for lunch.

I pick the latter.


"Ms. Davies, you're wanted in Ms. Parker's office."

Ms. Parker is my guidance counselor.

I'm pretty sure she likes to call me to her office just to have me walk to her office.

I can't prove it, but when I get there she often just talks about my day and I know she has my cell phone number.

"Don't trip, Davies."

Well, there's my second leg trip of the day.

Still a semi-okay day.


I walk into the room.

I should have known it would be an ambush.

The last time my guidance counselor and my PE teacher were in the same room together they tried to switch my Coca-Cola to the diet variety.

How could I turn my back on the original?

I'm its most avid fan.

Though, I'm sure if they tried they can splurge on a little more sugar per can.

But, I don't know, maybe they're hurting for cash lately.

Ms. Parker smiles at me

"Ms. Davies, why don't you have a seat?"

Mr. Wood snorts. "If you can fit, Davies."

Mr. Wood is my least favorite teacher.

"That's unnecessary, John."

Yes, especially because Ms. Parker happens to have extra wide cushioned seats.

Ms. Parker is one of my favorite, well; she's not a teacher, but people in the school.

"As you know it's the last week of school."

I nod.

I'm so excited. I'll be able to watch all three hours of daytime dramas now.

Well, at their right time slots. I do have TiVo and Soapnet.

But, now I can take part in the daily message board discussion.

I've been trying to create a good username and everything.

"We spoke to your mother."

"You spoke to my mother?"

Wow, how'd you manage that?

"Are you sure?"

"Davies, did the fat get to your ears?"

For his information, my ears are the smallest thing on me.

"No sir."

"Mr. Wood." She clears her throat. "Like I was saying, she has signed all the paperwork."

So, she was here physically?

"Paperwork?"

"Don't you remember our last discussion, Ashley?"

We talked about pajama pants at school and how no one really gets followers on twitter.

Oh.

That's right.

I zoned out when she started talking about how I didn't run the mile.

I kept hearing that "I would walk 500 miles and then I would walk 500 more."

That's 1000 miles! He must really like her.

I think you can get to Disneyland on those miles.

I'd much prefer Disneyworld but it's on the other side of the world.

"Ashley?"

"Hello, Davies, you home?"

"Mr. Wood, that's unnecessary. Ashley, remember we talked about Camp Edwards."

"Like Twilight?'

"No."

Then why would I want to go there?

"It's a camp to get you in shape, Davies."

Ms. Parker sighs. "We're just highly concerned for your health, Ashley."

"Wait. You're sending me to a fat camp?"

"Well, I wouldn't call it a fat…"

"Yeah, Davies, we're sending you to a fat camp. You can thank us later."

But, half of this is because I'm big boned! Ask Nonna.

"Do I get a say?"

"Oh, you'll enjoy it. I promise."

Ms. Parker, you were my favorite and now you are not.

"We're saving your life, Davies."

"Your mother has promised to take you tomorrow."

My mother promised to be in a car with me?

Maybe they replaced her with a robot.

Maybe it was an imposter.

I'd much rather be kidnapped at this point anyways

"But, that's tomorrow!"

Ms. Parker elbows Mr. Wood before he can retort.

"The camp likes to get an early start on the summer."

I bet it doesn't even have TiVo!

"Why don't you take off early and start packing."

I nod in defeat. "Okay."

I wiggle my way out of the chair.

"I would just like both of you to know I find this undoubtably unfair."

"I don't care, Davies."

"It's noted, Ashley. I have your cell number, I'll keep in touch."

I make my way out of the room and to the hallway. The bell must have rung for the end of the day.

So much for an early dismissal.

I'll never be able to pack properly in time.

"Watch it, Oink."

Third leg tripping of the day.

It's a terrible day.