A/N: Since watching the 200th episode, I have been wondering how JJ is going to come back to the team. I am afraid the writers are just going to pretend that she's fine, but after everything she went through, I don't believe she can come back to work as if nothing happened. So that's where this story is coming from. It might stay a one-shot, or I might add more chapters.
I don't own criminal minds!
''Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.''
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
He watched her from a distance as she walked into the bullpen. The look on her face was as if everything had gone back to normal. She greeted every team member with open arms and a smile on her face. But Hotch couldn't help but feel that she was hiding her true pain. He had seen it with Emily, not to mention that he did it himself. The ordeal with Foyet chased him for months, and he just pretended like he was fine. But he wasn't and neither was JJ.
He had seen what Askari did to his victims. He used all the standard torture techniques and Hotch knew exactly what that meant. He couldn't even imagine how she managed to get through it, but there she was. In the bullpen surrounded by her friends. Her family.
In the past two months he hadn't been able to escape the images of JJ's throat nearly being slashed. If they had been one second later, Askari would've killed her and the team would've lost another member. He would've lost her. He couldn't imagine what that would've been like. So he forced himself away from the window and to the door. He opened it slowly and leaned on the catwalk and gave Rossi a small smile as he hugged JJ.
JJ pulled away from Rossi and walked to her desk slowly but surely. She put down her purse and looked up at the catwalk, making eye contact with her boss. She gave him a weak smile because it felt like he was looking right through her. His face was as stoic as ever. She just couldn't help but wonder why he had barely talked to her in the past few weeks. She had been in contact with everyone but him. He only responded to her email when she asked for two months off before she returned to duty.
''JJ, do you mind coming into my office for a moment?'' Hotch asked simply. He received a nod from JJ so he turned around and walked into his office. He closed the door behind him when JJ stepped inside. ''Have a seat.'' he offered.
She took a seat on the end of his couch as he sat down in a chair that was next to her. She could feel the slight tension between them. She didn't know why, but he almost looked upset about something. ''I wanted to thank you for everything you did.'' JJ blurted out to break the silence between them.
''You don't have to thank me!''
She moved to the edge of her seat, gathering herself. To keep herself from falling apart in front of him. She had been keeping all of her pain and fears inside for weeks, and she didn't know how much longer that was going to last. ''You saved my life, Hotch. If you and Emily had come into that room a second later, I would've been dead.'' she croaked out. ''You saved me…''
''I would do it all over again, JJ.'' he said. ''You're a part of this family, of this team and losing you would be unbearable for all of us. Too much has happened.''
She turned her gaze to the floor, acknowledging his words. She felt truly guilty for never telling them about her time away from them. It was another lie that could threaten to tear the family apart. Lying about Emily had been hard enough and the consequences were harsh. It took Reid a while to forgive and move on from the pain he had experienced because of the loss of a friends.
''I just need to know how you are, JJ.'' Hotch whispered as he eyes snapped up to meet his. ''How are you?''
''I am good.'' she lied as a fake smile appeared on her face.
Hotch moved to the edge of his seat, prepared to do whatever it took for JJ to be comfortable. He could easily see she was lying. The weak smile and the pain in her blue eyes gave it all away. ''Oh come on, JJ!'' he said. ''I might not have been helping you out of the chains because I was with Cruz, but I saw you!'' he croaked out with pain in his voice. He had seen it, and wanted to give JJ time to talk about it herself, but she hadn't. With anyone. ''I saw you.''
She put her arms on her knees and rested hear head on her hands as the first tear slipped from her eyes. ''Please, don't!'' she begged.
''JJ, your shirt and trousers were unbuttoned when we came into the room.'' he breathed out. Everything inside of him felt sick at the thought of what Askari or Hastings did to the sweet woman he knew. But killing them was no longer an option. They were dead, yet there was still a part of him that felt angry, enraged even.
A chill coursed through her body. She felt his hands on her body all over again. Touching her stomach, grazing her breasts as he unbuttoned her blouse and opened her trousers. The memory and feeling sickened her. She wished she could forget the sound of her own voice as she told Matt that she fine. She wasn't fine. But he saved her from far worse. ''Nothing happened, Hotch.''
''Good.'' he said. ''I just want you to know that you can talk to me whenever you want to!''
''Thank you!'' JJ said as she was about to stand up, but the voice of her boss stopped her.
''I am going to tell you the same thing, I told Emily when she returned.'' he announced with concern. ''When you have a bad day, I want you to come to me.''
''Of course.'' she said as she rose from the chair. She had wiped the tears away, hoping Hotch hadn't seen it. But from the look on his face he had seen them.
''JJ, I would like to think that I know you and that we're friends.'' he said as she turned around. ''Right now, you don't look fine to me. You're hiding your pain and I can't let you into the field like this.''
''Hotch,'' she began as she folded her arms across her chest as if she was trying to protect herself. ''This job is all I have to keep me sane right now. Please, don't take this away from me!''
He walked towards her and stopped at an appropriate distance when he was across from her. ''After Foyet stabbed me, I went back to work because I believed it would help me, but it didn't. I was on edge, I put the team on the line and I put my own life in danger.'' he explained with a saddened expression. He never talked about his experience with Foyet. Not to anyone. ''I know what it's like to dive into work too quickly. It isn't the right way.''
Hotch watched as she froze in the spot she stood. Her face went cold and he immediately knew she was distancing herself from him, from the truth. He couldn't put JJ in the field when she hadn't worked through her problems, but even he knew she would never forget it. She would eventually learn to live with it, but she was never going to forget the horror she had to face. She was betrayed by the people she trusted. She was tortured by them, and nearly raped. No one would get over that. ''JJ, talk to me!'' he pleaded, putting every ounce of emotion into his voice. And it worked. JJ's eyes met his and for the first time, he saw the tears falling down her face.
''I feel like I am in this haze, you know. Like a part of me is here, but at the same time I'm not.'' she whispered as she stumbled through the words. Her sight was blurry as the tears kept coming. ''Will believes I am fine. He believes I told him everything. He thinks I am happy and back to normal.''
Hotch stepped forward and pulled her into his embrace. He felt her head on his shoulders, and her shaking body in his arms. He wished he could've held her when he was standing next to the ambulance. She looked so broken, so tired, so hurt. He just didn't want to cross a certain line with his subordinate. But now they were in private and it felt appropriate to console her. ''I am so sorry, JJ!'' he whispered against her hair. ''I wish you didn't have to go through all of that.''
The warm embrace did JJ a lot of good. It made her realize that people cared enough to help her, to talk to her and to just be there for her when things became hard.
''Do you want to sit down?'' he asked, his voice warm and tender. He received a nod, so he led her back to the couch and waited for her to sit down. He sat down next to her.
She turned her head up to look at him. ''I can't sleep.'' she admitted. ''When I close my eyes, I see his face. I feel his hands on my body and I feel the pain I went through. The electrocution, the waterboarding, the drugs…'' she cried out. ''I relive it every night. I am so afraid in my own home and in my own bed.'' she went on in tears. She felt Hotch take her hand and he squeezed it softly as breathed in and out with difficulty. ''Those people took everything from me. My sense of security, my trust, my home and my baby.''
''What? Your baby?'' Hotch repeated in complete shock. ''Were you pregnant?''
She nodded. ''I was pregnant in Afghanistan, but I lost the baby in an ambush.''
''So, that's why Cruz said it was personal for you?'' he guessed.
''Yeah,''
''I am so sorry.'' he said again. He didn't know what else he could say to her. He felt blessed enough that JJ opened up to him. He wanted to help her with whatever she needed. She deserved that much from him. ''You can come back to work, but when we go out into the field, I want you to stay with me. How does that sound?''
''That's great!'' she said as she smiled through the tears. ''Thanks, Hotch.''
''You never have to thank me. I am glad that you're here, JJ.'' he said, rising from the couch. ''I'll give you a minute. We're in the conference room when you're ready.''
''Sure,'' she said. She watched him leave his own office to give her some space. She felt relieved and a little better, but she realized her recovery was still far away. She was going to need a lot of time to heal from what she went through. And talking to Hotch had given her a new perspective. It felt right to talk to him. It cleared her mind for a bit. She just hoped she could do the same with Will.
''Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.''
~ John Barrymore
