Change Of Heart

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in Ouran High School Host Club. Nor do I own the song entitled "Change of Heart" since this one's by Jim Brickman. Another song in this fic is entitled "I'm Still Here" and it was one of the songs in the "Treasure Planet" movie.

Change Of Heart


I feel that I'm at a crossroads

I don't know which way to go

You say that I am changing

Into someone that you don't know


Kaoru watched as his brother engaged in another fight with Tamaki. Seriously, with the way things were going, Kaoru was surprised Tamaki still have his voice considering that he has been shouting for three hours now. Can the man be any stupider? Hikaru's face could probably burst with all the smiling he's been doing but Tamaki still hasn't realized that his reactions were only fueling Hikaru's teasing. Kaoru grinned to himself and was about to join his brother when Haruhi decided to put a stop to the bickering.

"Stop it, both of you!" Haruhi bit out, annoyance clearly seen in her face. "I don't belong to anyone but to myself and secondly, you're not my father, Tamaki-sempai!"

"What?" Tamaki brought his hands to his chest in mock hurt. He turned to Kyouya. "Okaasan!!! Daughter's being so mean!!!"

Hikaru laughed as Kyouya ignored the blonde guy. He would have said something to further annoy the blonde when Haruhi gave him a look. Kaoru shook his head, smiling. That wouldn't work. Hikaru would probably tease the girl now.

However, Kaoru was surprised when Hikaru smiled sheepishly and stopped his teasing.

"It looks like your brother's finally learning," Kyouya remarked softly as he stepped beside Kaoru.

They watched Tamaki trying to get Haruhi's attention while the girl talked with Hikaru.

"It seems," Kyouya continued, "he learned to be more mature now."

"Ah," Kaoru agreed. Inside, he was bothered by the thoughts that had surfaced. It's true that sometime soon, he and Hikaru would have to grow up and be more mature, but Kaoru always thought that when that happens, he'd be aware of the changes and still be able to share the world with his twin. After all, they would be growing up together, right? Kaoru always thought that if Hikaru were to grow more mature, it'd be because of Kaoru's influence. Not anyone else's. However, it seemed as though Hikaru had grown more mature because of Haruhi. Kaoru smiled sadly.

'It seems,' he thought, 'I don't know you anymore.'


Who I am and who I'll be

Is locked inside, inside of me


Kaoru plopped down the bed he shared with Hikaru, not bothering to change into more comfortable clothes. He stared at the ceiling, lost in thought. He recalled the events that had occurred just recently.

'Not just awhile ago,' Kaoru realized. 'It's been happening a lot lately.'

What was happening was that Hikaru was acting differently. Kaoru could no longer predict what his brother would do. Back then, Kaoru always knew what his brother would say or do and vice versa. This was why they always pulled their acts well. They always knew what the other was thinking so synchronization was no problem. Neither was impromptu dialogues. However, those were all things of the past. Now, Kaoru can't even tell whether his brother would stop teasing someone. He wasn't so sure about half of what his brother's thoughts are these days. And sometimes, Kaoru wasn't so sure if he still mattered to his brother at all.

Indeed, Hikaru has matured… a little. Nevertheless, shouldn't Kaoru be able to still tell what his twin is thinking or how his twin would react to certain situations? They were still together; they had their world even though they've talked to people more than they did as children. Nothing was different except that they met a person who could actually tell them apart. So why do things seem different?

…. Why… does Hikaru feel so far away? ….


And if I follow my heart

Will you still be my friend

If we break apart?

How do I make, how will you take

My change of heart?


Kaoru didn't move from his position even as Hikaru entered the room.

"Oi, Kaoru," Hikaru sat down the bed beside Kaoru. "Guess what happened?"

"Hmm?" Kaoru just looked at his twin.

Hikaru grinned, holding up a victory sign.

"I've got a date with Haruhi this Saturday!" he said excitedly.

"Eh?" Kaoru tried to sound enthusiastic. "How did you get Tono to agree? Scratch that, how did you convince Haruhi?"

"Hmm…. Didn't take much," Hikaru smirked. "Tono actually helped me by making a complete fool of himself, which led Haruhi to me."

"Heheh…." Kaoru tried to join his laughing twin. However, as Hikaru left to take a bath, Kaoru's smile faded.

'He didn't even notice….'

Kaoru turned to one side, facing the window.

'Things are really different now,' Kaoru smiled sadly. 'But then, I was the one who pushed him to step forward. At least I think that was what I did.'

. And I want a moment to be real

Wanna touch things I don't feel

Wanna hold on, and feel I belong

And how, can the world want me to change?

They're the ones that stay the same

They can't see me, but I'm still here….

'Tch,' Kaoru thought. 'Stupid song. Haruhi's fault for making us watch that cartoon – no wait! That was Tono forcing us to watch that cartoon as to understand the commoner's choice of entertainment. But still… the song makes sense…. I guess everyone wants to feel belonged. Always wishing for good things, always dreaming and wishing things were real…. I guess that's just the way humans are. But then…. I never really cared before. Because every moment I had with Hikaru… even if it were just the two of us in our own world… every moment was real to me. And I always felt that I belong to that world. That was why it didn't matter if no else could understand. It didn't matter if that world was apart from everyone else's world. So why did I start the change? Why did I push him forward? When did I decide that our world wasn't enough? When did I decide that things needed to change? Was… I really the one who changed?'

Kaoru lost himself in his thoughts as the song from the cartoon replayd itself in his mind. Indeed, he felt like the character being described in the song. Lately, Hikaru has been ignoring him. It seemed so real then, that one line in that song. After all, Hikaru never seems to notice him lately… even though Kaoru was just next to him.

…. He can't see me, but I'm still here….


For years you have been my best friend

I thought that would always be


Saturday came quickly. Now, Kaoru was watching Hikaru rummage through the closet.

"If you plan to ever develop the relationship, you have to remember to be considerate," Kaoru reminded his twin.

"I know," Hikaru rolled his eyes and then grinned, slinging an arm around Kaoru's shoulders. "Come on, give me a little credit, Kaoru. I'm not THAT stupid."

"Heh," Kaoru smiled. "Says he who left the girl just because he got jealous."

"That was different!" Hikaru said defensively.

"Uh huh," Kaoru grinned.

"Besides, everyone does strange things when they're jealous," Hikaru reasoned out.

"So you do admit that you were jealous," Kaoru smiled.

"That was just once. I won't get jealous now…. I think."

Laughter filled the room.

"At least Tamaki–sempai won't be around to ruin anything," Kaoru said as he watched his brother go back to rummaging through the closet for clothes.

"Hmm?" Hikaru poked his head out of the closet to look at his twin. "What are you talking about?"

"Ah!" Kaoru held his hands upward. "Nothing! Hehehe…."

Hikaru frowned.

"Saying that just makes it clear that something's going on," Hikaru muttered, returning to his task of finding the right clothes to wear.

Kaoru sighed with relief. If Hikaru found out that they had tailed him during his first "date" with Haruhi….

"I knew the ice cream vendor looked a little too familiar then," Hikaru muttered. "It was Tamaki–sempai, wasn't it?"

"Ah, hehehe," Kaoru grinned sheepishly. "You know how much of an idiot he can be."

"Yeah," Hikaru agreed. "And you are, too."

"Huh?" Kaoru stopped smiling as he looked at his twin brother.

Hikaru just looked at Kaoru, seriously.

"How long do you plan to keep whatever it is bothering you to yourself?" Hikaru asked. "And did you really think I won't notice?"


You know that I just can't pretend

It's written all over me


"H–how long have you known?" Kaoru stammered. "How did you find out?"

Hikaru rolled his eyes.

"Since you started becoming troubled," Hikaru answered.

Kaoru's heart skipped a beat.

"… because you don't normally fuss this much," Hikaru continued.

Kaoru's heart sank.

"So what's wrong?" Hikaru finished.

"It's nothing," Kaoru forced a grin.

"Kaoru," Hikaru said warningly.

"Look at the time!" Kaoru pushed Hikaru towards the bathroom, pulling some random clothes and pushing them into Hikaru's hands. "You can't be late for the date! Meanwhile, I need to go somewhere. Have fun!"

"Kao–!" Hikaru didn't finish the sentence when Kaoru closed the door of the bathroom.

"Fine!" he huffed, making sure that his voice was loud enough for Kaoru to hear. "But we're talking about this when I get back."

"Aa," Kaoru said softly, leaning against the wall beside the bathroom.

So, Hikaru didn't notice after all. Kaoru thought that his brother actually noticed that he has been having trouble for quite some time now. Apparently, he thought wrong. Hikaru only thought he was troubled just recently – meaning just today. He didn't want to tell Hikaru what was worrying him, but if his brother remembers to ask him about this after the date, Kaoru was willing to tell his twin everything. That is, if Hikaru will remember to ask.

"But…" Kaoru pushed himself off the wall and started to walk towards the door, "I know you won't remember at all."


'Cuz where I'll go

And what I'll do, I just can't see

My life without you


Kaoru watched from the window as Hikaru got in one of their many cars and drove off. He sighed and looked around.

Now what? What was he supposed to do now? He wasn't used to being alone in the house… or anywhere for the matter. He always had Hikaru. Somehow, they always found a way to make things fun no matter where they were. Now that he was alone, Kaoru didn't know what to do.

Kaoru didn't hear the second car coming in, nor did he hear the front door open and the servants greeting the person who entered the house. He was too engrossed in his thoughts and only snapped out of them when a soft voice called his name.

"Kaoru?"

Kaoru looked to the side and saw his mother who just returned from a trip abroad.

"Ah," Kaoru smiled, moving to hug his mother, "welcome back, mom."

When he reached his mother, he hugged her and felt her hug him back. Just as Kaoru was about to pull away, his mother whispered to him.

"What's wrong, dear?" Mrs. Hitachiin asked softly.

Kaoru froze. He pulled away completely and looked at his mother.

"How did you know?" he asked, timidly.

"I'm your mother," Mrs. Hitachiin said simply.

Kaoru laughed softly. His parents, especially his mother, never cease to amaze him. It's true that they were rarely around since work required them to travel constantly. Yet, despite the fact that their parents have not seen much of them as they grew up, it was only their parents who could still tell them apart. They always said the same thing when asked how: "I'm your father" or "I'm your mother." It never occurred to the twins to ask for more explanation. It was as though such reason were enough. And now, this same reason was enough for Kaoru. Still, for his mother to know that he was troubled just when she arrived after being away for months and for Hikaru to only notice when he has been around since forever….

"Would you like to talk about it?" his mother asked, kindly.

"Maybe later," Kaoru said, hoping that later, his mother would forget. "You should rest. You just arrived after all. I'll have the cook prepare something for you."

His mother didn't say anything more than a soft "thank you" and followed Kaoru, who helped her to her room. However, when Kaoru turned to leave, his mother squeezed his hand in reassurance. It was enough to make Kaoru want to cry.


If I follow my heart

Will you still be my friend?


During the evening, it was only Kaoru and his mother eating dinner since Hikaru was still on his date while Mr. Hitachiin was out of the country. They had a pleasant conversation; Mrs. Hitachiin asking about Kaoru's current hobbies and about school while Kaoru asked his mother about her trip to Singapore.

"There wasn't much to see," Mrs. Hitachiin said. "Nothing much has changed since we last went there for a holiday."

"I guess that means Singapore won't be the next item in my list of places to spend my summers in then," Kaoru smiled.

"Well," Mrs. Hitachiin said wryly, "it shouldn't be boring for you. I remember how you and your brother nearly gave me a heart attack when both of you decided to cross the street while the light was still showing a go signal for the cars. I remember both of you laughing so hard and planning your next adventure while you were there."

"But, mom," Kaoru laughed. "It wasn't my fault! Hikaru decided he wanted to see the arcade across the street."

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault," Mrs. Hitachiin said, sarcasm evident in her voice. "Just as it wasn't your fault when the police approached your father to talk about the cigarette pack found on your hands?"

"Oh, that was for an experiment," Kaoru grinned. "Hikaru and I were going to extract the nicotine from the cigarettes and see which brand contains the most."

"That would be believable, dear," Mrs. Hitachiin said, patiently, "if both of you hadn't done those at five years old. After all, even at your age now, I doubt you'd have an experiment that deals with extraction of nicotine or if you do, it'd be a new experiment for you. Not an experiment five–year–olds can do, actually. Secondly, you didn't have any extraction apparatus with you at that time."

"Hehehe…." Kaoru grinned sheepishly. His brother was much better at making excuses as compared to Kaoru. Why, if he were around now….

Kaoru's smile became smaller.

'Aa, if he WERE here,' Kaoru thought. 'But that's highly unlikely.'

"Want to talk about it now?" Mrs. Hitachiin asked softly.

Kaoru snapped out of his thoughts, smiling at his mother.

"I've been waiting the whole time," Mrs. Hitachiin continued. "Since you didn't say anything, I thought maybe you weren't quite as ready to tell so I tried to get your mind off of things. However, I think it's still troubling you. You can tell me anything, dear."

"I know, mom," Kaoru said. "It's just that…."

"Yes?" Mrs. Hitachiin asked when Kaoru didn't continue.

"…. Mom, did I change?"


If we break apart?

How do I make, how will you take

My change of heart?


"What do you mean?" Mrs. Hitachiin asked.

"I…. am I different?" Kaoru asked. "In any way?"

"Of course you are," Mrs. Hitachiin answered. "You're growing up. It's normal if you find yourself different from before."

Oh.

"But you're not the only one different," Mrs. Hitachiin continued. "Hikaru, too, is a little different now. But who says it's a bad thing?"

"It just feels strange," Kaoru admitted. "I'm used to having him beside me all the time. I'm used to hearing him talk about the tricks we've pulled. I'm so used to being with him that these changes are already making me lost. But then, I can't fault Hikaru for anything."

"Why?" Mrs. Hitachiin asked.

"Because it's my fault," Kaoru admitted.

"How can both of you growing up be your fault?"

"Because I was the one who pushed him forward," Kaoru said sadly.

"You had a good reason for doing that, right, dear?" Mrs. Hitachiin asked.

"I thought I did," Kaoru laughed.

"May I ask what the reason was?"

"It was for both of us," Kaoru answered softly. "I knew… I knew that regardless of how we loved our own world, regardless of how we didn't care about others as long as we had each other, I knew that there's no denying the fact that a world of people existed out there. I knew that somehow, we had to learn to live with others."

"And you knew that your brother would have a problem with that, right?"

It was more of a statement than it was a question.

"Because you knew then," Mrs. Hitachiin continued, "that Hikaru only knew how to force his feelings into others."

"I thought he needed to learn to respect others and be more sensitive to others' feelings," Kaoru confirmed. "This was the only way for us to be able to step forward. After all, if we decide to join the real world, what would happen to Hikaru if he couldn't get along with anyone simply because of his insensitivity? So I pushed him on a date with Haruhi because I knew he'd somehow learn how to respect others if he were with her."

"You did the right thing, Kaoru," the boy's mother said softly, putting her hand on top of Kaoru's.

"Then why does it hurt?" Kaoru whispered, pain evident in his voice and in his face. "If I did the right thing, why do I feel lost? Why does it hurt?"

"Oh, Kaoru!" Mrs. Hitachiin pulled her son close and hugged him tightly. "I'm so sorry. But you really did do the right thing. You were right when you realized that there was a world filled with people beyond that of your own world with Hikaru. And you were right when you decided that both of you needed to step forward. You were right to help your brother."

Mrs. Hitachiin looked at her son in the eye.

"But, dear, perhaps, if you made a mistake somewhere," she continued, "then that mistake would be that you were so focused on helping your brother, you forgot that you needed to step forward, too."

In the end, Mrs. Hitachiin could only hold her son close as he tried to hide his tears in vain.

TBC

Author's Notes: This is my first time writing a fic in this category. After watching the show, this idea just won't stop bothering me. I guess this is partly because I've felt the same way before. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading the fic. Please leave a review if you have the time. Thank you!