Disclaimer: All rights belong to JK Rowling.


No one should ask themselves that: Why am I unhappy?
The question carries within it the virus that will destroy everything.
If we ask that question, it means we want to find out what makes us happy.
If what makes us happy is different from what we have now,
then we must either change once and for all or stay as we are,
feeling even more unhappy.

- The Zahir


November 1, 2024

Love, reliance, life. Life happens. Frustration, vulnerability, tears, more tears. Possible hatred? Acceptance? No, that's the hardest part.

It's a vicious cycle and everyone's trapped in it.

I look around and I see trees swaying back and fort. Casting my eye downwards, I find myself staring at the grass that linger beneath my fingers. I brush the grass with my fingers and lift my gaze up to watch the lake, it's calm and if it was visible in human form, I'd envy it. I feel the wind brush through my face and it's supposed to make me feel calm, shouldn't it? Wind sure does that to most people. I feel cold and I like it. I mean, physical pain should overcome emotional pain. Right? You'd rather get hit by the Whomping Willow than go through this. My hands quiver and my heart uncontrollably hammers, pounds so hard like it wants to break through the sternum and out of my chest. I close my eyes and I'm brought to a flashback of yesterday. The sun rises and it starts to brighten the entire field. Looking around, I suddenly realize why they call this morning.

I can hear someone scream my name from behind. The image of him suddenly flashes in my mind and I wonder if it's him. I don't look back but I can hear the person rushing closer.

"Rose!"

I felt my heart sink.

It's not him.

"Are you out of your mind? It's freezing out here and you don't even have your cloak on."

I stand and straighten my skirt and turn around to face my cousin. He's got this look I've come to know so well, concern.

"Albus," is all I manage to say.

He heaves a sigh and mutters, "we should get you inside, you look like you could get something to eat."

I'm not really hungry but decide that it is way too early to argue with my cousin. Instead, I offer to walk back to the castle. He doesn't speak, he doesn't ask and somewhere between his sneering and scowling (which is his way of showing disappointment) we managed to safely get inside the Great Hall. I automatically glance at the Slytherin table and the first person, the insane part of me, that is, wants to see isn't there. I mean, I just got through a horrific break up. The last person I need to see is him.

Albus tugs my arm as he notices where and what I'm staring at. I look at him and his expression is calm. Okay, this is just unfair. How come everyone but me can look so calm effortlessly? He opens his mouth and is about to say something but hesitates. He looks like he's having a mini argument with himself whether it would do me good or bad to hear what he is about to say.

"Just say it Al," I wait.

"You should still sit with us," he continues, "you know Scorpius, he'll figure when something's up."

I roll my eyes and mutter, "No shit Al, we practically live together."

"I don't know how you do it" he creases his brow utterly confused, "I mean seven years and he's—"

I cut him off before he starts filling me up with details part of me probably already knows. "I appreciate the concern Al, but I think I'm going to sit with Louis now".

He looked at me with a discerning expression. "You know you have to end up telling him someday."

"No I don't," I whisper, "I shouldn't have told you."

With that said I leave Albus and hurried towards the Ravenclaw table. I already see Louis' stand out red hair which looks slightly lighter than mine and managed to quicken my pace. He must have heard my footsteps coming since he kindly moves to leave a space for me to sit beside him. I look at my cousin and he's smiling, his blue eyes looking as genuine as ever. No wonder almost the entire female population in Hogwarts go gaga over him. He has the tendency to charm his way into your senses with one look. Too bad he's taken and not to mention very faithful. Everyone practically melts at the sight of Louis Weasley, well, except for me of course and probably Haley, since she should probably be used to it by now.

"I'm glad you decided to sit with me today," he speaks up, "I was starting to believe that you forgot about your good-looking best friend". Can I rewind that? Quote on quote "bestfriend" slash only present when Haley's MIA. I mentally smile at myself. Who knew Muggle abbreviations could actually humor me?

When I look at Louis, I manage to let a short giggle and smile. I sigh at the thought of my lips still capable of forming the said expression. I automatically glance, once again at the Slytherin table. Part of me is hoping that he's not there so I wouldn't have to look every now and then, but the better or should I say again, insane part of me wants him to be there. I catch a glimpse of Albus and Felix Zabini. They were talking apprehensively with each other until someone interrupted their—from the looks of it—meaningful conversation.

It's him.

The core reason why I'm trapped in this vicious cycle.

The reason why I've been trapped for the past, oh I don't know, seven years?

It's him.

Scorpius Malfoy. Scorpius bloody Malfoy.

I stare and I cannot find the strength to look away. I stare at the way his blonde hair looks a little untidy and the way his Slytherin robe just flows and fits with his body naturally, like it always does. He looks like those male models you see in Muggle magazines dressed up in uniforms. You know that they aren't actually the ones who wear the uniforms but are chosen to advertise them because of their looks. I look at his pale face, showing no sign of emotion whatsoever. Even though I'm already used to seeing his face always wearing the same emotionless expression, I still stare. I stare and stare. I bloody stare like I always do. Stare and stare until he looks up and catches me staring at him. I try to look away, but I can't. Those grey eyes which I'm currently staring at won't let me. He holds my gaze and doesn't let it go. He holds my gaze and doesn't let it go. He holds my bloody gaze and doesn't let go.

"Rose," at the sound of Louis' voice I flinch, "you haven't touched your food yet. You should at least eat."

I don't even bother to look at my food. I've lost my appetite and all the willingness to eat has been sucked out of me. I tell Louis that I'm not hungry and I should just go. I have to go because I feel those certain grey eyes staring at me, staring me hard. He knows that I'm aware of his staring and doesn't bother to look away. I don't have to look at him to see if I'm correct. I have developed this instinct which only applies to him, for the past seven years. I have to leave before pain starts to hit me again. I have to leave before the pain gets worse. I compose myself together, ready to leave. But before I stand Louis swiftly grabs my right wrist.

"We have Potions in five minutes, you'll be late if you go anywhere else." He insists, convincing me to stay, "and no one wants Head Girl skipping a class."

Head girl arriving late for one bloody class, big deal. I look at Louis and he has that you-know-I'm-right look. My mind almost gives in but my heart doesn't. My heart wants to get the hell out of here and run for it. Run until I can feel the calmness I've been imploring for. I tell Louis that I'll be there on time. I wait until he finally lets go of my wrist, slightly convinced that I'm not planning on cutting potions. At this, I break free and run and I can hear people watching me from behind and I don't look back, I just run. I run along the corridors and jump my way up the moving staircases. I run to the left side into the hallways. I run, as fast as I can until I see the narrowed staircase heading up the Astronomy Tower. I race up and each step I take feels endless. After what seemed like forever, I'm finally able to breathe meticulously. I walk up to the balcony and let the wind brush through every single sensory motor I have on my skin. I feel the wind, and I feel its calmness and I envy its calmness.

I hear footsteps coming and suddenly—

"Rose,"

I close my eyes and breathe, heart sinking. Inhale, exhale, inhale and exhale. I turn around and try to pull off a convincing smile.

"Scorpius!" I act surprised.

He remains silent and I think about what I should say.

"You're not planning on skipping class are you? Head boys should set students a good example."

He rolls his eyes and plants that smirk I've come to love so much.

"Head boy doesn't give shit about those students," his smirk widens, "head boy sees that his fellow head girl is sad and wants to know why."

I look at him and heave a sigh, wait for that brave moment to come until I spill everything out—well, not exactly everything.

"I.. I have been thinking about Miles and Bryan and I feel like there's this alarm in their heads that goes on whenever they're with me."

I look at him.

"I don't even know what made me go out with them. I mean, Miles, well," I pause for a moment. How do I even begin with Miles? And to mention he's in Ravenclaw with me. And Bryan, he was in Slytherin and he was sweet. But, the thing is, they both didn't work out for the same reason. "They all seem to think that I never loved them or was never really in love with them in the first place." I sigh, "I've been a faithful girlfriend don't you think?"

He smiles and averts his gaze. He seems to be thinking what to say next. Contemplating if what he wants to say is right or—

"Just say it Scorp," I interrupt his train of thoughts. Sometimes he and Albus can be so much alike, thinking through every detail before they eventually speak up.

"Did you? Love them?" he asks uncertain. And maybe I'm just hallucinating, or living in my own imaginary euphoria, but I could have sworn there was something about his eyes when he asked that.

Oh, I don't know. I don't answer. I mean, can't someone just flash it? Unless he's probably reading my mind right now. But why Rose? Why? No matter how hard I tried to rebuff and run away, it always seemed to haunt me. It even appalls me how you can love someone so much and keep it a secret from yourself and the rest of the world.

The answer's so evident I don't even want to say it. Of course I don't. You want to know why? Because of you. Wasn't it always you for seven bloody years?

He looks back at me. I silently beg that he won't run away again. I silently beg for him to just stay here.

He holds my gaze and we stare at each other. Piercing gray and pale blue sheltered and burdened.

If you only knew.


R&R!