Chapter
1
"Life is built by the choices we make."
- Alex Matthews
"Max?", an unfamiliar voice called out. It's haunting echoes burrowing deep in my skull. "Max? I need you to answer me.", the voice continued. "Max, will you do what needs to be done?", "I don- I can't...please stop! I don't know what you want from me?!", I cried out hoping to sway the voice's intentions. "Max! Will you do what we've asked, will you do the right thing even if it's not the best thing? I need to know if you'll do what needs to be done.", a different voice called out. The voice was deep and strident, making me wince at every word. But the deep voice did remind me of my father, only slightly. "W-who are you?", "Open your eyes and look Max, look into me.", the deep voice's words becoming more cryptic as the evocative nightmare continued. That's when I realized that my eyes had been closed the entire time. I couldn't possible face the nightmare that had crept into my sleep. "I know you're scared, but you have to face me.", the voice whispered into my ear followed by a long pause. "Face me!", the deep voice commanded. Suddenly, with no indication, my eyes opened without a moments notice. Except, everything was still black, a void of nothing surrounding me. "I can't see anything.", "Look closer.", the deep voice insisted. "I don't understand, It's just nothing.", "Max. Look. Closer.", the deep voice grew more impatient. I squinted my eyes, trying to find something. Maybe she missed something, or she wasn't looking hard enough, maybe the voices were playing tricks on her or maybe...this was all in her head. "Look, I don't know what you want, I can't see anythi-", "I told you to look closer." The voice grew angry. "I'm trying bu-", "You're not trying!", the deep voice shouted. "Please, I can't see anything I swear! Why won't you help me?", "Look Max!" I felt a sting in my eyes. A cold wetness streamed down my cheeks. "I can't see anything! Please...please stop!", I said in between sobs. "Finally, you see.", the deep voice was calmer and softer. The sharpness of his voice had gone away. I felt like I could open my eyes again, immediately taking in my surroundings. The first thing I noticed were the trees that were outstretched wide as far as the eye could see. But something about the forest was recognizable to me. The type of trees, the way the branches were twisted around each other into a jumbled mess of nature. I noticed the black dirt under me. Then I noticed myself. I wasn't me, I felt different. I felt smaller, weak and afraid. My hands were tiny and very thin. My skin was tight around my bones, as if I had no muscles. Just skin and bones. "Do you see, Max?", the deep voice said to me. But it wasn't just a deep voice, it was man. Long and slender, clothed with dirty rags. His long bleached hair covered his face. "Now I must ask you a question. "Will you do what needs to be done, Max?", the bleached man asked again. "If I say yes, will you help me?", "Yes, I will save you.". "I'll do it. Ok? I'll do the right thing, just please help me get out of here.", I finally submitted bring the bleached man closer to me. He swayed from left to right, holding something in his hand. My mind went blank, I couldn't think or feel. I just sat there, watching as the bleached man held the blade up over his head. I wanted to say something, scream and kick. I would do anything to just make him stop. "You made up your mind, this was your choice Max.". Those were the final words he said to me before jamming the blade into my stomach.
"Please stop!", I screamed into the bed, making me jump to my knees. My eyes started watering, my heart thumping hard. My head felt worse, like it was being violently shaken. "Max? Max what the hell...?", a feminine voice whispered. "Riley? Riley?", I cried out. I felt warm, soft hands wrap around my head. I saw my sister, Riley's, deep blue eyes greeting mine. It made me feel utter tranquility, but also strength, a comfort not found often these days. She had a presence, a fearsome, unspoken loyalty that bonded us. I just sat there, in awe of my sister who had brought me back from the nightmare. "Okay?", Riley asked. "What?", I broke the silence. "What the hell is wrong with you? You almost got us caught.", "I don't...shit I'm sorry Riley. I was in this...awful place, almost coming straight out of those books you love to read. I mean, this was some...", I explained to her the night mare that had occurred just moments before she woke me. "Hey hey hey, alright alright...enough. You're fine, I'm here and you're here and we're still not safe. So I can't have this happen again, yeah?", Riley cut me off. Giving me a hard, dour, stony face. I could tell she was worried, not so much in her expression or lack there of, but more so in her voice. Reassurance, I must have scarred the shit out of her. "Hey, we clear?", "Last I check, yeah, Joel and his gang were gone. But you, screaming your fucking head off, could've gotten us killed.", she paused momentarily. "What the hell happened Max?", she asked sympathetically. Riley always does this, worry, about me. She'll always have a hundred different things on her mind but I'm the constant, the pattern in her head the will inevitably drive her insane. I felt a knot growing in my stomach, my senses were heightened. Their was a violent turning in my gut, my throat felt tighter. I started gagging, I leaped off the bed and onto the floor. A sick fluid with chunks started tunneling up my throat, my nose started burning and my vision grew blurry. The fluid blew out of my mouth, chunks falling out of my nose and tears streaming down my face. "Shit Max, what the hell?", "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry...sorry...sorry", I kept repeating to myself in between involuntary, violent gags and sobs.
I'm guessing at some point I had stopped, but it felt so surreal, like the nightmare had never ended and this was just the intermission. "Come on, get up, we're leaving.", "L-leaving...leaving to where?", I turned to Riley in complete disbelief. "The main road, all the way to Blackwater City.", Riley said with a slight grin on her face. "Um, I don't know if you remember but Joel knows exactly where Blackwater is and we don't.", "Christ Max I forgot how much of a wimp you are." "I'm not a wimp!", I protested. "Ok, then get the caps under the bed and let's fucking go.", she demanded like usual. The funniest part of this all was that I loved it. It wasn't just a road trip with the only person in my life who doesn't completely hate me, it was exciting. Sure you can worry about the ghouls and the supermutants and even the raiders, but I won't worry. Worry has gotten me no where in life, it's time to start living while it's still worth it. While I can still say I tried, maybe it won't be what I want. We could die within minutes of leaving and I wouldn't care, I was fearless.
The fear had set in, I couldn't avoid it. I don't even know when it started. Probably the first encounter we had with a mirelurk, tough bastard took a full magazine before going down. "You still okay?", Riley asked. She had asked me several times in the past hour. "Yeah, nothing I can't handle but my fucking hands are numb." I said looking down at my bruised and bloody hands. I noticed I was shaking violently. "Their is only one other time I've felt like this before, home.", I looked back at Riley who was bandaging a cut on her shoulder. "Yeah, mom was a real piece of work, huh?", "Remember that time she'd slap are hands because we wouldn't eat her disgusting cooking, I mean come on, it was inedible. But she just slapping...over...and over...and over...over." "She didn't beat you nearly as much as me though, you were the better one. She said that a lot, that's what I remember from home.". I could feel Riley glare at me, I couldn't look back at her so I just stared into the fire. I let the flames take over, I didn't want to have to think anymore. "I remember when you took that gun from mom an-", "Alright stop it Riley, I don't...", I took a deep breath and released. "I don't want to talk about it.", "Too many painful memories, Max? Well while you live in the past with your good intentions, just remember those who are living in the present. Those who don't forget or ignore the things we've done. We accept it, hate ourselves, and move on.". She was right, I couldn't just let go of what I'd done. Every time I tried to think about it, I just see a fuzzy memories that play on repeat. "Yeah, you sure did raise a good one mom.", I whispered sarcastically while looking down at the black dirt.
It had been a couple of days since we last camped, my feet were sore and my headache was getting worse with every step. "If I were to rate this against all the other bullshit you've put me through, I'd say this is on par with the worst one.", I said quietly. My bloodshot eyes glaring at Riley who was writing a note, at the time. "If you want to say something, say it.", "Okay Riley, where to begin? Well we've run out of food because you decided it was a good idea to leave it in the bag outside of the tent. We have no clue where we're going because you've never been this far north, AND we're all cut up and bruised because you wanted to check out the cave that was CLEARLY INFESTED with MOLE RATS!", I growled making Riley stop dead in her tracks. "What do you suggest? I'm all fucking ears Max, please tell me what it is that makes you think you'll get anywhere without me.", she whispered cruelly. I just stared, thinking of what I'd do in this situation. Who am I kidding, I'd never make it this far. I'd die alone, nothing but nothingness outstretched so far you'd think that the world was truly gone. I'd choke on my own blood, praying that I'd see my family again. No one would mourn for me, no one would even notice. I'd just be one less problem in someone's way. It was in that moment, that thought, I knew I needed Riley more than food or comfort. I needed her to acknowledge my existence and laugh at my jokes, I needed her to care enough to not leave me behind. I needed my sister. "You're right, let's keep moving.", "I'm right? That's it, that's all you can say?", she asked. Baffled by what I'd said. "What else is there to say?", "Oh I don't know, maybe an apology or something." "You want me to say sorry after speaking the truth? Fuck that Riley.", I spouted flashing her an apathetic look. "The truth? We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you, that's the truth.", "Me? What the fuck else could I have done? He almost killed me." "Because you stole from the armory, and then pointed a fucking gun at him. Don't give me this bullshit poor me speech, you started this whole thing and now he wants us dead. I told you we could've asked...", Riley continued. Truth after truth and after another truth until it all felt like jumbled lies thinly put together to keep myself from breaking down. And the breakdown was coming, I could feel the overwhelming hatred that brewed deep inside my memories. I felt a cold wind in my chest, circling my heart. My mind went blank, I couldn't think or do anything. That's when a loud high-pitched ringing entered my ears, vibrating the inside of my skull. Everything all at once. The ringing in my ears, the coldness of my heart, and the hatred. All of it was building, I could feel it rising inside me. What's...happening...to me... "STOP!", I screamed in agony. A strong wind emanating from my scream. A wind so strong it threw Riley into a nearby ditch. I could hear the cracking of bones as one of Riley's arms slapped into the side of a rock at the bottom of the ditch. I tried running after her but the ringing in my ears returned. And I had a horrible pounding ache in my head. I could feel a cold stream running down my nose, blood. Was I going to...
When I came to my senses the headache was gone and my nose had stopped bleeding. But I was still disoriented, not knowing where I am or if Riley was still with me. As far as I can see, I'm all alone in the middle of a trashed classroom. Chairs and desks were thrown around everywhere and the bright blue paint on the walls had turned gray and faded. "Riley!", "Max? Max are you awake?", Riley came bursting into the room. She seemed to have taken some of the arm rests from the chairs and some tape to make a homemade splint. "Riley, holy shit I am so sorry...I didn't-", "It's fine Max, I'm fine. Just glad you finally woke up.", she said with a glowing smile. "But...what about your arm? And our fight...? Holy shit, I blew you away!", "My arm is fine, I'm more worried about you anyway.", she reassured me. "Wait, what about me?", "You've been unconscious for days Max, we're almost there.", she said leaving me with more doubts and questions. "Riley, this is fucking serious. Did I or did I not do that to your arm?", I asked pointing to the splint. Riley paused for a moment, their was something different about her. She looked almost...scarred. Did I really do this? "Jesus Riley, I...I didn't know. I would have stopped but I couldn't, I swear I didn't know...".
I use to smile, I thought to myself as I looked face down into a puddle of water. I was tempted to just drink it and deal with the rads later but I chose not to. I needed my strength to help Riley. Riley...the one thing that kept me going couldn't even look me in the eyes. Maybe I did deserve all of this, the painful reminder that I screwed up. I never should have left the compound, I never should have stolen that stupid fucking gun. And now the power I have, the hatred deep inside me made my head pound with pain. "Fuck it." I said punching the face in the puddle.
I could smell it first, Blackwater. I was hoping to see it first, the big, dilapidated buildings with big neon signs. The massive groups of people in the markets. All of them going about their day like nothing ever happened. Instead, I could smell it. The smell of smoke burning in your lungs. Dirt and grass growing on the sidewalks and in the street, going up the buildings and around the markets. I could smell the dirt and sweat of all the filthy people. I hated it.
The gate itself was very impressive, the way it's arms extended outwards to lift it up. I'd never seen anything like it. And of course the only person to greet us was a deep, gravely voice over the intercom. Once inside though, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. People walking in and out of buildings, minding their own business. And the streets were long and wide, stretching on for what seemed like forever. I hadn't felt this feeling for so long. Pure happiness, the ability to let your guard down and just smile. A new life waiting to be...well...lived in. But all of that was ruined when a tall, chubby man strolled over to us. He started picking up our bags. "What the hell man?", Riley question the chubby man. "Sorry mate, just tell me where to put them.", "Put them the fuck down asshole.", Riley demanded pulling her gun out. I swiftly reacted, putting my hand in front of the gun. "Hey, we've been walking for days. We just...we just wanna rest.", I said trying to defuse the situation. "Right then, follow me, I'll take you to the motel.", the chubby man said motioning for them to follow.
"So, you gals staying here long?", the chubby man whose name was Ray asked. I looked back at Riley who was picking at a scab. "W-we don't...know yet, p-probably not.", I said taking a deep breath. "Well if you do, be sure to stop by my shop. I'll give you two the newcomer discount.", "Oh, thank you.", I said. Making him look back at me. "Don't need to be nervous, Ellie's a nice girl. She'll take good care of you two.", "We don't need taken care of.", Riley interjected. "Riley, come on...", "Look, no offense Ray, but we're better off alone.".
"Well, this is the room.", Ellie, the motel owner, said. "Thank you.", I repeated for like, the third time. "Well if you need anything don't be afraid to ask.", "Oh, Max won't be.", Riley said as Ellie closed the door. "Jesus Riley, why did you say that for?", "Because you're practically drooling over her.", Riley mocked me. "Yeah because I totally know she wants me, the nervous girl who couldn't stop saying thank you.", I said laying down. "Well that's the fun part, Max.", "What is?", I asked her. "The mystery, my sweet little sister, the mystery indeed."
