This is a storyline I had running through my head a long time and when I ran into this site last week, I decided to write the story down.
It is good for you to know that English is not my main language (I'm from the Netherlands) so if you see linguistic faults in the story: please tell me. And this is the first story I've ever written, so please be patient with me! :)
This chapter is just an introduction to the story and if you guys like it, I'm gonna continue writing the story, but if you all think it's very bad, than I stop writing it. So please tell me what you think of my writing, the story and the storyline.
- I had this (not-finished) story published before, but it was deleted by fanfiction because it violated the guidelines (Main reason for removal: "Not allowed: interactive, chat/script, real person, mst, and etc.") I am publishing it again now, rewriting it and I hope it is better now and I intend not to violate the guide-lines so if you see anything that have to write in another way so I am not violating the guidelines then please PM me.
She was devastated. There is no other word for it than simply devastated. She was just completely devastated. At the moment she saw those lines appear on the test, Kensi completely broke down. Of course, somewhere deep inside, she already knew. She had morning sickness and she had missed her period. The morning sickness she shifted away as just nausea, maybe even as the pain that always came before her period began. If she had looked more clearly, she had seen that everything what was happening was telling her what was going on. The fear she had wasn't just a fear anymore. Her worst fear, from which she knew that it would turn her whole world upside down, became reality: she was pregnant.
After what had happened the last couple of weeks, she thought that the worst things were behind her. Things were looking up, thanks to her partner, who had selflessly helped her through all of it. But now, the world had threw another thing at her, pregnancy.
Her thoughts were running around in circles right now, from the child, unto the father of the child, to her job, to the team, to her partner, to everything and back again to the child and running through the whole circle again. She had no idea what she should do. There was nothing she could do to calm her mind. Whatever she did, the pregnancy kept running in her head.
What am I gonna do? There is no way that I am gonna get rid of the baby, but can I be a mom, can I raise this kid on my own? She thought. How am I gonna be bad-ass-Blye by day and a sweet loving mom by night. I even haven't seen my own mom in fifteen years. I don't have a example of how to be a mom. The baby deserves a better mom, than what I can be. The baby deserves a family, not being a family with just me. I can do no good to a child. I am to messed up.
Can I even carry this baby for nine months without harming him or her? Him or her, will it be a boy or a girl? Okay Kens, don't even go there, like that would make a difference in my ability to raise the kid. Oh my, what a mess have I created here for myself. Well, not only for myself. In a couple of months I can't work until the baby is here and I can't watch Deeks' back in the field, he's my partner and I have to have his back anytime. A big mess for Deeks too then and a big mess for the rest of the team having to function with a man down. Oh my. Those thoughts kept running through her head and after a while she was fed up by it all. It was just to much to handle.
Eventually she decided to go to bed, trying to sleep and in that way to escape reality and the agitation that came from the reality. She couldn't fall asleep until at a point she was too tired from crying and thinking, that she automatically fell asleep, exhausted by all the things that evening had brought.
The pregnancy kept running through her head even the next day when she went to work. Whatever she was doing, the pregnancy and the consequences of the pregnancy were always on her mind. Therefore Kensi hadn't been able to be fully concentrated on the job at hand. Luckily it had been an easy case and she hadn't needed her full attention on the case. Her mind just went back to the thought of being pregnant all the time. Kensi had no idea what she could do.
The responsibility of having a child, first of all the pregnancy in which she had to carry the child inside of her for another 33 weeks, and then the upbringing of the child, the responsibility is big. Beside that there was the question on how she should tell the people around her. Being pregnant, that is not just something.
How would the team react when she told them, Hetty, Sam and Callen, Eric and Nel, and her partner Deeks. She knew she had to tell them, but she had no idea how. Not that she could keep it hidden forever. You can't carry a child inside you for nine months without anyone noticing, and then like having a child would be something nobody would see.
It will take at least another six weeks before I start showing and by then at least Deeks would see something. She thought. I have another six weeks to think about how on earth I am gonna tell everybody that I am pregnant.
With thinking that she would have another six weeks to think about how to tell people she was pregnant, she hadn't counted on her partner, who had seen much earlier than those six weeks that something was going on with Kensi. Of course not by a baby bump, because there wasn't a thing to see, but by the look in her eyes, because of the worry he could see written all over her face.
Deeks had seen that Kensi was somewhere else with her mind. She hadn't been fully concentrated that day and he wondered what was bugging her. It was nothing like her to be this quiet. Kensi always talked much or at least always responded when he said something. She was always bickering with him, not that that was something negative. He instantly missed the craziness which was always there between them, the banter that was always there between them. He was worried about her and therefor, he decided to ask Kensi what was wrong. There was nobody else left in the bullpen, so they could talk without anyone hearing them.
"Kensi, are you all right?" He asked his partner, who was instantly shocked by his question and immediately went into defending mode. How on earth does he know something is wrong. She thought.
"Yeah, I'm fine, why are you asking." She answered, lying, because she didn't wanted anyone not even Deeks to know what was going on, but Deeks immediately knew that she wasn't fine. He knew she wasn't telling the truth, he knew his partner to good for that and he decided to ask more questions. He really wanted to know what was bothering his partner and help her.
"Come on Kensi, You say you're fine, but you and I both know that that's not true." Deeks said and he looked at Kensi caring. "Kens, you know you can tell me everything, right?"
She could hear the concern in his voice and when she looked up to meet his eyes tears began to fill her eyes and she broke down, tears streaming down her face. Deeks put his arm around her, trying to comfort her. Now he not only suspected that something was going, now he knew. It would take a lot for Kensi to break down like this. It took a while before Kensi finally calmed down. The hug Deeks gave her, put her at ease and she felt with the hug he gave, how much he cared about her. When she was calmer and could talk again she whispered, still with tears in her eyes: "Deeks, I, uhm," There was a short pause before she continued.
"I'm pregnant, Deeks" She finally said, with her voice almost breaking.
They were both quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say, just staring into each others eyes, Kensi biting her lower lip. Deeks was shocked by what Kensi had told him. He don't know what he had expected her to say, but it was definitely not this, this was the last thing what would have been on his mind.
He immediately thought about how Kensi and how she was feeling right now, how she was doing. What would be going on in her mind? She is most definitely not happy about it. She looked worried today and if this is what has been on her mind, then she is worried about being pregnant. He was really worried about her. She has been the centre of his life for the past four years and she is the person he cares about most on this planet. He doesn't know when exactly, but he fell in love with her somewhere in those four years. Now she is pregnant and the kid can't be his, but he isn't concerned about that, he isn't thinking about that right now.
There is not a moment when he is thinking about the relationship with his partner, which had been just friends at that point, while he was hoping for something more in the future. His only concern for this moment is the well-being of his partner. That is the most important thing at all times.
Given the fact that she just bursted into tears, he knows the pregnancy wasn't planned. He knows that there isn't a guy in Kensi's life at the moment after those six difficult weeks which are behind them. If that had been the case, she would have told him, right? How on earth could she have gotten pregnant in those weeks? Deeks wonders what exactly happened and what is making Kensi this upset. It is Kensi they are talking about, bass-ass Kensi. You can't get her confused this easy.
"Who is the father?" He asked. It is the first question that popped up in his mind. The answer to that question would make a lot of things about this situation a lot clearer. Kensi looks at him and he sees how much pain is in her eyes when she thinks about the father of her child. Maybe it was the wrong question to begin with. He thinks, but he doesn't take his question back. He just waits and gives her the time to answer. He put his arm around her. It comforts her a little bit. Because of the pain involved with this question it took a while before she answered his question.
"Frank" she said hesitatingly, making Deeks shock bigger than it was before, but also giving him an explanation of the pain he saw in her eyes when he asked her.
"Frank as in the guy who after you slept with him tried to kill us?" He asked astonished. He thinks back at that moment six weeks ago, that had changed their life's forever.
"Yes" she said and her eyes started to water again.
"O Kens, Come here." he said when he took her in his arms and tried to comfort her.
"It's okay" He said and he feels Kensi's body become still again.
"It is gonna be okay. I'm here."
