A/n don't own the boys or the song. Please review
"It's Beginning To Get To Me"
I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were
It's not there now
Ineloquence and anger
Are all we have
Oh god! Thought Dean, as the next song filled the car, what is it with Sam and his music, he was so gonna have to change his rule about driver picks music shotgun shuts his cakehole. The song has only just started and he was thinking about it. Songs like this should be banned thought Dean. He started to think about when they were younger especially Sam, he tried so hard to protect his little brother from this life, protect him from hunting, from killing. Sammy shouldn't have to live this life, he was so innocent and now only vestiges of that innocence remain. With Jess gone his Sammy has become cold, hard and angry and he doesn't know for the first time in his life how to fix his little brother.
Like Saturn's rings
An icy loop around me
Too hard to hold
Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand
After the way Sam lashed out in the asylum, it was the first time Dean had been scared of his brother. While he forgave Sam he just couldn't get past it, couldn't get over what was said and done. Every time he thought about it, it hit him again.
And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed
Are you beginning to get get my point
That all this fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about
Dean knows that Sam is not telling him things about Jess, and what happened in the lead up to her death. Sam is having nightmares every night and trying to hide them from his big brother. Sam should know that he could never fool Dean like he could their Dad. It's like he has to start again, to rebuild their relationship. And then there is the fighting, not just against spirits and other stiff but between themselves, they never did that before. Maybe it is just living so close to one another again, maybe it's not, he really doesn't know anymore.
The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time
I only need
The compass that you gave me
To guide me on
He rang Sam when he was at Stanford, just to hear his voice on the answer machine. It was so hard living without him, and now he has him back he doesn't know what he needs to do with himself to become accustomed to the fact that his little brother is back. Dean wonders if Sam feels at home. And while Dean has worries about his relationship with Sam, he knows that he feels more at home now than he has done in four years.
And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed
Are you beginning to get get my point
That all this fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about
It's so thrilling but also wrong
Don't have to prove that you are so strong
'Cause I can carry you on my back
After our enemies attack
Dean knows that what happened with Jess is killing Sam. He knows it but every time he tries to bring it up Sam blocks him out. He just wishes Sammy would tell him, and he would gladly carry that weight for him. He needs to talk to Sam about Jess, and maybe while Sam was driving he could broach the tabooed subject.
'Sam we need to talk.' Dean said turning to face Sam.
I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense
'Sam we need to talk.' Sam heard Dean say so he turned to face him.
'We need to talk about Jess'
'NO DEAN WE DON'T' Sam shouted
'Yes we do, you might not realize this but I do and you are gonna got yourself killed or me killed' Dean retorted
'What could be so awful that you would keep it from me?' Dean asked careful not to raise his voice
'You don't wanna know' Sam growled
'Yes I really do wanna know' Dean replied
Suddenly Sam slams the breaks on, causing Dean to almost fly through the windscreen. Before Dean can give Sam hell about that, Sam has already left the car and is walking down the road.
'Sam come on, walking away won't mean that it won't be here when you get back' Dean shouted getting out of the car and jogging to catch Sam up.
'Hey Sam' Dean says grabbing Sam's arm.
Sam whirls round at the contact and punches Dean to the floor, and looms over him. 'Go on Sammy tell me… Hell! Take another punch if you need to, but you need to get this off your chest'
'you don't know when to stop do you?' Sam roared in Dean's direction
'Yes Sam I do, but I have been letting this go for months!' Dean said getting up.
'Fine! You want to know, I had nightmares of Jess's death before it happened and I did nothing! I knew what was going to happen before it happened Dean! Tell me then I am not responsible when I could have stopped it!'
We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost
'You're not responsible Sam, and we will figure things out' Dean said coming to stand near Sam.
'I just want her back, I want her back so bad' Sam whispered brokenly
Dean's arms went around Sam like they used to when they were little and were able to chase all the demon's away.
'Shh…it's gonna be okay…I'm here' were the only words of comfort Dean could offer to his brother as he finally broke in his big brothers arm's. However while Sam mourned the loss of Jess and the life he could have had, he also knew that he had come home.
We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost
Fin
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