*I hate being reminded of me not owning Sam, Cas, or Dean. .*
After the night's strange events, Castiel was left feeling restless. He flashed around the globe, visiting the great sights. He saw the stars reflected on the twinkling Pacific surf. He witnessed a sunrise in Paris, sitting on the edge of a building. He leaned against the Great Wall of China. He stood at the top of a Great Pyramid in Egypt. He flitted in and out of all the amazing sights on this Earth that before, he'd only viewed from Heaven…but he wasn't satisfied. Because every place he went, if he saw other people…
They were always with someone else. And they looked much happier than he felt.
At last, Castiel decided he couldn't take it. He flashed to the town the brothers had last been in.
The phone beeped and rang, and then Cas heard the familiar voice, saying, "Who's this?" It almost made Cas smile. Dean'd never give his name out immediately on the phone, even when he recognized the number.
"It's Castiel," he said, surprised at the weird way his own voice sounded. "Dean, I need to talk to you."
"What about?" Dean sounded wary. "Have you found us a job?"
Cas ignored the question. "Where are you?"
Dean said the name of some town he'd never heard of, but Cas's mind was instantly awash with images from Dean's own head. He knew where to go.
"I'm there," Castiel told Dean, and in a second, he was.
Castiel now stood behind a gas station, about two steps from Dean. Both still held their cell phones raised to their ears, and they both simultaneously hung up. Dean was the first to speak.
"God, Cas, you're lucky it was my turn to take the trash to the dumpster –"
"I want to do it again," Cas interrupted.
Dean looked at Castiel warily. "Do what?"
"What we did last night."
Dean looked deliberately shifty. "Drink beer? Eat pie? What?"
Cas's gaze hardened. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."
Dean couldn't look him in the eye. "I'd had a lot of beer. Refresh my memory. Tell me."
Cas sighed in frustration. "Oh, I'll refresh your memory," he said, and, taking Dean by surprise, he reached out with both hands to grab the sides of Dean's open jacket and bring him close. Castiel had to tilt his head to meet his lips to Dean's, but he pressed hard against the man he thought he was in love with. It felt and tasted better than he remembered. This time, there was no stain of beer on Dean's soft lips which yielded to Cas's urgent ones. Dean's body fit perfectly against Castiel's. This is better than heaven, thought Cas.
At first, Dean was surprised. His eyes were wide open as he watched Castiel – who'd started out looking shaken and disheveled for some reason – pull him closer. He saw the need and joy, which made his own heart leap, in Castiel's face. And then as he felt Castiel's tongue against his mouth, he closed his eyes and pressed back. His hands were no longer awkwardly hanging, one was in Castiel's hair and the other was around his waist. He stood there, and, for the moment, he wasn't thinking about Sam, or the end of the world. He was thinking about how amazing it felt to be there, with an angel's lips on his, and an angel's hair beneath his hand, and an angel's warm, comforting body against his.
Dean stopped kissing Castiel to rest his forehead against his. He kept his eyes closed; he didn't want to open them and be met with reality. Then he thought about what he'd been doing and screwed up his face in confusion and anger at his confusion. Anger at not being able to tell what he was feeling.
\"God," he said through grit teeth, and then he pushed Cas away and opened his eyes, feeling his heart sink and shatter. "This doesn't change anything," he lied. He realized he was trembling.
"You're wrong, Dean," Castiel said. And, unlike usual, his voice was filled with emotion. A powerful emotion that Dean had felt and tasted only moments before. "Everything is changed."
"Listen, if you like guys, or whatever, or if you want to experiment with human feelings, go to a bar and pick someone up," he told Cas, even though the thought of those hands and that mouth on someone else made him angrier than he'd ever been before. But he couldn't be with Castiel. Absolutely not. It was wrong. "Don't bring me into it.
Castiel looked at Dean and tried to figure out what the man was feeling. All this time on Earth, and he still didn't fully understand them. "I think I love you, Dean," said Castiel. "And by the way you kissed me, I think you love me, too. Why are you denying what we both are feeling?"
"I didn't kiss you. I didn't want to kiss you," Dean lied. He'd wanted to, and still wanted to. "You're imagining things.
The hurt in Castiel's wide, innocent gaze made Dean hurt so much. But this had to be done.
"I don't feel anything for you," Dean said, and the lie hurt almost more than letting go of his angel had. "Not a thing," said Dean, more forcefully.
"Why?"
This simple question took Dean by surprise. It was so typical of Cas to ask his usual, eager question. But this time, instead of hearing pure curiousity in the angel's voice, he heard hurt, confusion, and anger.
"Well…a man isn't supposed to love another man. It's not natural," Dean told Cas. In his head, he was yelling the same thing at himself. It wasn't convincing there, either. "I mean, doesn't your God hate homosexuality or whatever? Isn't it a sin that people go to hell for? I've already been to hell. Don't want to go back."
Now Cas looked confused. "God…wouldn't concern himself with petty mortal love affairs. No one's ever gone to hell for something like this."
"So now this is a petty mortal love affair," said Dean bitterly.
"No, Dean, that's not what I mean," sad Cas, and he said it with such tenderness that Dean wanted to pull the angel into his arms again. "Dean, it wouldn't be wrong for us to be together," said Cas, reaching out to comfort Dean and stroke his face.
"Don't touch me!" said Dean sharply, stepping back. Because if Cas touched him, he wouldn't be able to help allowing him to touch him. And no matter what Castiel said, it was wrong. "Don't touch me," he repeated.
"I –," Cas started to say, and then choked. He started again, several times, and Dean 's heart ached as he watched him wrestling with his emotions. Then Castiel seemed to gain control and he finally said, "I'm going to change your mind."
And he was gone.
I have more coming up, never fear. : )
