This chapter is dedicated to every time socially awkward people are dragged into public places...

The bartenders were sorting the forty-ish questionnaires, probably by 'gay', 'lesbian', 'straight boy', and 'straight girl' and ignoring the rest, but while it didn't promise to take that long, The Bite was giving the people there the privilege of ordering, and paying, for anything on the menu.

And the pretty people were all taking advantage of it, which Merlin thought was weird. He thought pretty people were all anorexic or something, but maybe that was just models.

Lance was letting Merlin share his nachos, which was awfully nice of the guy who just had his heart broken and had been dragged to a speed dating service.

Merlin was half-way done with the beer and wishing it was stronger so he could at least pretend that he was drunk. Maybe he should leave. Lance was strong. He could survive on his own. Merlin, not so much.

Merlin's cell phone vibrated in his pants pocket, which caused Merlin to jump. At least he didn't fall off his stool. He'd done that before. It was a struggle to reach the phone, but it provided the perfect I'm-not-a-loser-who's-just-sitting-here-doing-nothing excuse Merlin needed.

It was Will. A text. hows it goin?

Merlin sighed and replied, fine.

that bad?

rescue me please let me tell lance ur aunt died or smthng

met anyone?

it hasnt exactly started

then merlin im not rescuing U give it a chance

Lance leaned over Merlin's shoulder, but Merlin snapped the phone shut before he saw the message. "Just Will," Merlin said.

"Cool," Lance replied because he wasn't paying much attention anyways. "What do you think of that girl?" He indicated with his head.

First, Merlin had no idea who he was referring two and second, Merlin had no idea about girls. He made a guess, considering the people they were surrounded by, and said in what he hoped was an enthusiastic voice, "Stunning. Totally, you like her?"

"Not the girl in the purple dress, the one picking her teeth." Lance was grinning.

Okay, so that was not where Lance had been going with that. But now he pointed her out, so Merlin could see her.

She was a pale, red headed girl at least twenty years old. She was wearing a nice dress, high heeled shoes, and was currently picking perfectly straight, white teeth with a perfectly manicured pinky nail. Great, even the gross person was gorgeous.

"Ew?" Merlin tried.

Lance snorted. "Wonder what she was eating, her last boyfriend?"

Ah. So he was trying to joke around. "More like victim," Merlin added.

"Black widow," Lance said in a spooky voice, "the stalks the speed dating scene to seek out her prey."

"Speaking of which, are you sure you picked the right diet for Charlene?" He and Lance fell into a nice, ill-python related conversation that was just starting to become interesting when the too cheery lady arrived and announced that the questionnaires were sorted.

Merlin's heart started to race and his blood began to rush to his cheekbones in anticipation of embarrassment. The bartender gave him an odd look.

Merlin was too busy downing the last of his beer to notice.

So there were twenty four tables, all with large cards indicating their number. Everyone had a card with numbers on it telling them where to go in order, a list with names where they could put a check or an 'x' by someones name and, if they were lucky, a number or an email address.

They had five minutes to determine if the person was worthy of their name or email, or if they wanted to hang out later when the chairs were removed and The Bite opened for real. It was supposed to be done in an hour, which meant they all had to suffer for twelve dates.

And because they were interested in a completely different sort of people, this was likely to be the last Merlin saw of Lance.

Dear God, why was he doing this again?

The first guy was probably a model. He had a pin striped shirt, a black vest, boardwalk shorts, and perfect hair.

Merlin was wearing jeans, a blue shirt, and a scarf, which happened to be what he wore almost every day. He was underdressed. Merlin held back a long, pitiful, sigh.

"Tomas Kaine," the handsome man said, pursing his lips.

"Merlin Em…" Merlin paused as the man clearly wrote an 'x' next to his name.

"No offense," the man said, looking anywhere but at Merlin.

"It's fine," Merlin replied because that was the polite response and not because he was actually not taking offense. Frankly, it was impossible not to. Jerk, Merlin thought and he wished he could sink into a hold in the ground and never come out.

The next was a woman, and she seemed as surprised to see Merlin as he was. They double checked their cards, looked at the table, and then confirmed that they were where they were supposed to be.

"Er," Merlin muttered, wondering how to start a conversation.

"Don't talk to me," she snapped, "I'm lesbian."

"I'm gay," Merlin said.

Then she smiled at him and Merlin smiled back. After an exchange of 'sorry' and 'isn't this weird' they told each other their names and drew an 'x' on their papers with a pencil. At least she was nice about it.

Then a really, really handsome man with skin like Will Smith, dreadlocked hair, and a body like Johnny Depp, all dangerous and pirate like, sat down and looked at Merlin with a critical eye.

Merlin's throat grew dry. He should probably say something shouldn't he? He… he should… say…?

"Jean Caser," the handsome man said.

"Merlin Emrys."

At least he let Merlin finish his name before he drew the 'x'.

Three in a row. Merlin just lost tic tac toe. Or, well, whatever. He was never coming back to this part of town again.

Lance gave Merlin a smile as they crossed paths and Merlin tried to smile back. He was now six dates in and six 'x's as well. This was likely the most humiliating evening Merlin ever had.

Well, actually Merlin could think of a worse time, the night he begged James to stay and James had laughed.

But then, there was probably nothing worse then when he was in the school play when he was twelve as the dog, and then the school bully had stolen his dog costume and the teacher was yelling at him from behind the stage for loosing it and everyone had heard him and then she'd thrown cat ears on him and forced Merlin to crawl out onto the stage in his underwear because his clothes were gone along with the costume. Yes. He'd made the worst Toto ever.

Merlin was definitely not in the mood to sit down across a handsome, blond man with a fit body, strong broad shoulders, wearing a black v-neck shirt that should have been illegal, looking like he'd just come from a meeting of the-most-good-looking-people-in-the-world.

The stunning, drop-dead, blessed with unholy looks, mothered by an angel, Adonis, looked at Merlin awkwardly. "I'm Arthur," he said.

Even his voice was perfect. This was the best looking man Merlin had ever not dated.

"Merlin," Merlin replied. And because the exchange of names always meant 'x', he didn't wait for Arthur to do it first. He penciled in the 'x' beside the name Arthur Pendragon.

Arthur was staring at him. "What was that for?" He asked, sitting back in his chair and lifting up his chin.

"I'm not an idiot-" Merlin began.

"Apparently, you are, if you're missing out on me." Arthur smirked.

Merlin snorted. "Yeah, sure." He shrugged and said, "I know when someone is out of my league, and considering I've been out of my league with everyone here. It just stands to reason." Merlin rested his elbows on the table and mumbled into the awkward silence, "Lance had better appreciate this."

"Ah." Arthur took a handful of Trail Mix from the bowl in the center of the table and began to pick through it for the M&M's. "So, you're someone's wingman." It wasn't a question so Merlin didn't bother answering, but Arthur urged on the conversation with, "He go through a bad breakup?"

"Unreciprocated love," Merlin replied.

Arthur paused for Merlin to explain and when he didn't asked, "And?"

"Just some girl he liked. He was too embarrassed to ask her out and then he waited to long," Merlin explained. "And he's not gay, sorry."

"What?" Arthur's perfect forehead wrinkled slightly in confusion.

"If you're asking me questions to find out if he's available, trust me, he's not," Merlin said grumpily. And he reached for the Trail Mix to pick out the peanuts.

"I don't even know who your friend is," Arthur replied, insulted, "why would I be using you to get to him? Besides, obviously you've tried, so I guess it didn't work."

Merlin flushed. "Prat," he muttered.

"You're the one who didn't give me a chance," Arthur pointed out.

Merlin glared at him. Clutching his pencil so tight his pale knuckles were was white as the paper; he grudgingly erased the 'x' by the name 'Arthur Pendragon'. "There," Merlin announced.

Arthur smugly nodded. "There, see? Much better not to just write people off, isn't it?"

"Right, not like people haven't been doing that to me the moment I walked I here." Merlin crossed his arms.

"People are idiots," Arthur offered.

Merlin chuckled. "Right."

"So." Arthur took Merlin's paper.

"Hey!" Merlin yelled.

"Wait a moment." Arthur took out a pen, writing a large check by his name. "There," he gave Merlin a crooked grin.

Merlin raised an eyebrow incredulously.

"Oh, don't worry," Arthur took the pen and began to write down his phone number.

Merlin felt ill. "My God, is this some pity thing?"

"No," Arthur explained, "I've gotten the number of everyone I've met so far and I don't want to tarnish my paper." Arthur dangled his own, check mark, phone number, e-mail filled paper in front of Merlin's face. He had a look which was so aggravatingly self-important that Merlin knew he wasn't kidding.

"No thanks," Merlin snapped, and he grabbed his paper back from Arthur just as the bell rang which meant they had to leave.

Arthur, at the very least, was polite enough to look disappointed.

The next man was good-looking, but seemed to have been badly sunburnt and his haircut was abysmal. Merlin felt comfortable enough in that unattractiveness to at least sat hi.

The man smiled. Crooked teeth. Maybe he was at Merlin's level, despite his handsomeness.

This might work, Merlin dared to think. And then, of course, it didn't.

"Go to table six," Arthur ordered, tapping the man on the shoulder.

The man looked up at Arthur, then back at Merlin as if Arthur's interest had suddenly made Merlin much more attractive.

But he stood up, to Merlin's disbelief, and left.

Arthur slid down into the now vacant seat. "Alright," he said, his tone business like, "why won't you give me your number?"

"Are you kidding me?" Merlin stared. Was Arthur someone important, did he know that guy, or did Arthur have a gun or something? At that thought, Merlin inched his chair back.

Arthur shook his head. "I asked first, so answer my question."

"Because you're acting like a jerk," Merlin clarified, "leave me alone."

"You seem to be a jerk too, you haven't been at all nice to me," Arthur said, looking at Merlin with a smug expression.

Merlin glared at him.

"So," Arthur ordered, "You be nice to me and I'll be nice to you, starting now." Then, with all the grace of an actor, Arthur gave Merlin an interested smile and leaned forward. "So… Merlin Emrys, what are your hobbies?" He asked. And his hand rifled through the Trail Mix bowl in the center of the table, picking the M&Ms.

Merlin sighed. "Um…" He thought for a moment, running a hand through his hair. "I…" Merlin's mind finally granted him an idea, "I explore caves."
Arthur actually moved closer. "Really? That's interesting. I spend a lot of time in caves myself."

"Doing what? Stashing dead bodies of victims you met at speed dating?" Merlin crossed his arms and frowned.

Arthur laughed. And damn him, he had a really nice laugh.

Merlin stared at him in disbelief. This, Greek god, well, he wasn't that good looking but still, he wasn't, he couldn't, actually maybe be interested? Merlin thought back to the number Arthur'd written on his paper and he blushed.

Arthur licked his lips. Then he shook his head as if to remind himself of something. "Spelunking, you know, cave diving? It's like BASE jumping but normally not illegal."

Merlin raised an eyebrow. "I'm not exactly a sports person," he confessed, judging Arthur's reaction.

Arthur shrugged like he expected it, and, considering Merlin's pale complexion and lack of muscular structure he probably had. "What do you do in caves?"

This was a weird conversation.

"Research, I work at the Camelot Zoo, I'm a supervisor for the Dark House. Its best to get the research from the source, rather than from our exhibits," Merlin finished lamely, "My hobby's my job."

Arthur nodded, "So, what do you research?"

"I work mostly with vampires-" Merlin began.

But then Arthur turned red and actually chocked on an M&M. He managed to swallow right away, but panted for a moment before blood rushed to his face.

Merlin was rather glad that happened, because he felt like much less of an idiot now that Arthur had embarrassed himself too.

Arthur took a long moment to apparently reclaim his wits, and when he spoke his voice cracked, "Vampires, huh?" He coughed, then repeated in a normal tone, "So. Vampires?"

"Vampire bats," Merlin informed him, "not like… Edward Cullen."

"I knew that," Arthur said, a bit too fast. Then he chuckled. "Yeah," Arthur muttered, "the bats. So…" He fiddled with his collar. "There's an exhibit at the Camelot Zoo?"

"Yeah, six vampire bats." Then Merlin added, "At last count."

"Oh?" Arthur raised an eyebrow.

"Well," Merlin stopped, but Arthur made an encouraging gesture so he reluctantly explained. "A few months ago, I found this one extra bat, a seventh, in the cage. It had a broken wing and was barely breathing, like some kind of thing had attacked it. I know our bats wouldn't they're fed and there are only two able to reproduce and they already mates, so it just appeared out of nowhere."

"That's… very interesting. What happened to the bat?" Arthur's eyes seemed rather too eager.

But Merlin shrugged. "It took me hours, and I forgot to punch out so I got a huge lecture from my boss about misusing overtime, but I was able to fix up the poor thing. I had to take it home, to make sure it was alright, but in four weeks it was flying about the exhibit like nothing ever happened. Then it was just gone." Merlin paused and then added, "Weird, right?"

"Very weird," Arthur said thoughtfully. Then, like a conspirator, he leaned forward and whispered, "Do you happen to know a Percival Night?"

Percy. The Janitor. Merlin nodded. "I work with him in the Dark House."

"Small world," Arthur commented, staring at Merlin with unabashed curiosity.

Suddenly a white light flashed in front of Merlin's eyes. His head pounded and his eyes blinked rapidly in the aftermath of the shock, trying to adjust to the lighting in The Bite. Merlin, unable to control himself, blurted out, "Watch your back when you're in the hall of mirrors, he'll be there when you let your guard down."

Arthur blinked. "What?"

And the bell rang which signaled the end.

Merlin sat down at the next table across from yet another very good looking person. Of course, he was looking at his face in the mirror and ignoring Merlin.

After about a minute, he looked up. "I saw you talking to Arthur Pendragon," he said.

"Um… yeah," Merlin said.

"Did he mention anything about a Jon Chaters?" The vain man, though not vain without reason, asked.

"Er… yes, yes he did. You should probably talk to him later," Merlin said because he had no idea what was going on anymore.

The vain man sniffed. "What are you, B positive?"

Merlin moved his chair back several inches and looked around the room for Lance. "Um… I don't know," he mumbled.

The vain man sniffed again. "No, B negative," he nodded. Then he pulled out a phone and began to fiddle with it. "Not my taste."

What the hell? Merlin thought.

The last date was a guy who also looked like he wanted nothing to do with Merlin. And Merlin expected that, because out of the whole night he just had a lot of 'x' and only one check and he hadn't been the one to write the check in the first place.

Be over, Merlin thought, looking at the clock. Just be over.

And eventually it was over, and after Lance spent ten minutes talking to four of the girls he had apparently speed dated, in addition to the light skinned girl in the purple dress, he seemed to notice that Merlin wanted nothing more to do then leave. If Merlin hadn't needed Lance to drive him home, because at eleven thirty the bus downtown, where his apartment was, wouldn't be arriving until twelve, he would have left the moment he could.

"I had a good time," Lance said cheerfully, turning back to look out the rear mirror.

Merlin tried to smile and failed miserably, and eventually settled for a half-hearted "Yeah."

His phone vibrated. Another text from Will. howd it go?

How did Will know the thing was done? Unless… Merlin looked at Lance, then at his phone, and pieces started coming together.

"Did you meet anyone?" Lance asked with a far too interested tone.

"Bloody hell," Merlin growled, "did you and Will arrange this to get me on a date?"

Lance said nothing, and his silence answered Merlin's question.

"I'm going to kill you both," Merlin said, crossing his arms and sitting miserably back in the car.

"Look, Merlin, Will and I just thought that you needed to get out, get back on the dating scene. After all, you're nineteen years old and yesterday you told me you were thinking of getting four cats," Lance argued.

"Four kittens, because my neighbor's cat had twelve babies and they couldn't find owners for the rest! I can't let them drown!" Merlin glared at his reflection in the window, as Camelot's night scene passed by.

"Merlin, it was eight months since your last boyfriend, and you haven't gone on a date since, and you're thinking of adopting cats." Lance surmised, "What did you expect Will and I to think?"

"Not, 'lets go make Merlin miserable', that's for sure," Merlin grumbled.

"I'm your friend, Merlin, not your enemy." Lance, to Merlin's dismay, pulled over and parked the car. He turned, facing Merlin, so they could have a real conversation.

"Take me home," Merlin ordered.

"Did you meet someone?"

"No, take me home."

"Merlin-"

"Lance Lot, if you do not take me home this instant I will call my mother and tell you you're kidnapping me with all intents of raping me and then cutting my throat and leaving my body in the woods-"

"This is Camelot, there aren't any woods," Lance reminded him.

"Fine, a dumpster then!" Merlin snapped, "I don't need you and Will making dates for me!"

Lance sighed, resting his hands on the wheel. "Look, Will told me about the teacher in high school. You put way too much into James, and if he had been someone else that might have been okay, but he wasn't, alright, and you know he's not coming back."

"I don't want him to come back," Merlin growled.

Lance looked at Merlin carefully. "Really?" He said; his voice thick with disbelief.

Merlin looked down at his shoes.

"It's been eight months, and you're young. Look, I get it, your first great love, and maybe I don't get it as much, because I never got that close to someone but…" Lance sighed, running a hand through his long black hair. "Merlin, you need something in your life that isn't just bats or spiders."

Merlin glared at him. "Take me home," he repeated.

"Really?" Lance asked, disappointed.

"Look, I'll think about it, really, just take me home." And Merlin, miserably, looked out the window.

Lance, kindly, started the car and didn't speak again.

...

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